Updated can I fix my relationship

[daisy1333]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But you expect your boyfriend to understand this, and to be solely responsible for your happiness?

That isn't reasonable or fair. Even if he decides to give things another try, that sort of mentality will eventually erode your relationship. 

I expect him to understand some. His friends sister has this so he knows some things and he said he read all about it that night I was diagnosed. But I don’t expect him to under the misery I go through every day. 

but my happiness depends on if we stay together. Might not be fair, but it’s the way it is. We stay together or if we don’t I already have my future figured out bc I’m not going through this Alone. And no I’m not planning to do anything to myself. 
 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, daisy1333 said:

but my happiness depends on if we stay together. Might not be fair, but it’s the way it is. 

Then understand you're actively taking an enormous gamble with your relationship. Understand that this sort of dynamic will likely create further problems for you down the road with him, and generally isn't sustainable long-term. 

You're setting yourself up to create what you fear most. 

[daisy1333]

15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then understand you're actively taking an enormous gamble with your relationship. Understand that this sort of dynamic will likely create further problems for you down the road with him, and generally isn't sustainable long-term. 

You're setting yourself up to create what you fear most. 

I don’t see it that way. He’s the only reason I haven’t been to Switzerland yet. Without him I have no reason to not go. 
 

the only thing that made these past 18 months bearable was him. Without him I have nothing. 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry you are going through this.  It's very difficult to learn to live with a chronic and potentially progressive illness. 

That said, even though you are the one suffering from the illness, you still need to bring your best to any relationship that you want to maintain.  You felt terrible and crashed when you were first diagnosed.  I imagine many of us here would do the same.  Your BF was good for the first year and a half following that, right?  That's a significant amount of time.  

If I have the timeline correct,  18 months ago he told you he was not feeling in love.  I don't know if he'll change, but what is clear from this post is that you are not in an emotional place to be in any relationship.  

Being with an ill partner is extremely draining even at best.   Your partner will still want to enjoy you, and have joy in their own life.  That means that you will have to be in a state where you can contribute positively to a relationship.  Being absolutely needy is not ok.  Knowing that ones partner is going to Switzerland for assisted suicide if you're not in love with them is pushing them to RUN.  So is your refusal to seek help for yourself so you'll be better equipped to enjoy your current good health and the life you have before you.  

MS is not shameful.  My ex wife had colon cancer and still has a colostomy bag. Many people would find that embarrassing.  Her husband is supportive but she is also continuing to be a good partner for him and positively engaged in all areas of her life.  It was not easy for her, she became seriously depressed, as you seem to be.  She needed counseling to get where she is today.  You can do it too, and it needs to be done for YOURSELF and not to get a boyfriend back. 

I wish you the very best.  Embrace your life.  

[Dimjo9]

3 hours ago, daisy1333 said:

I hope so because I’m in so much pain I can barely breath at times. 

You will pass this stage.. the emotional pain you are feeling is the deep resentment that you have hurt him with same.

Both of you are faithful with your marital vows, no cheating on part of both spouses.
 

Constantly assure him that he is the best H a wife can have.. Reciprocate his kindness in your own way.

Love is sweeter the 2 time around !! At the end of the tunnel is a bright light for the 2 of you !! Grow old together & walk in the sunset !! 🌹

 

[daisy1333]

2 minutes ago, Dimjo9 said:

You will pass this stage.. the emotional pain you are feeling is the deep resentment that you have hurt him with same.

Both of you are faithful with your marital vows, no cheating on part of both spouses.
 

Constantly assure him that he is the best H a wife can have.. Reciprocate his kindness in your own way.

Love is sweeter the 2 time around !! At the end of the tunnel is a bright light for the 2 of you !! Grow old together & walk in the sunset !! 🌹

 

I hope so because I’ve had to pull over when driving to the store because I was crying so much. I’m having panic attacks and can’t breathe some days: I hate myself for this and I just want for him to tell me he loves me and forgives me: 

 

I know we’d still have a lot to work on but I’m willing to do anything to make this work. He’s my forever person. 

[daisy1333]

59 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm sorry you are going through this.  It's very difficult to learn to live with a chronic and potentially progressive illness. 

That said, even though you are the one suffering from the illness, you still need to bring your best to any relationship that you want to maintain.  You felt terrible and crashed when you were first diagnosed.  I imagine many of us here would do the same.  Your BF was good for the first year and a half following that, right?  That's a significant amount of time.  

If I have the timeline correct,  18 months ago he told you he was not feeling in love.  I don't know if he'll change, but what is clear from this post is that you are not in an emotional place to be in any relationship.  

Being with an ill partner is extremely draining even at best.   Your partner will still want to enjoy you, and have joy in their own life.  That means that you will have to be in a state where you can contribute positively to a relationship.  Being absolutely needy is not ok.  Knowing that ones partner is going to Switzerland for assisted suicide if you're not in love with them is pushing them to RUN.  So is your refusal to seek help for yourself so you'll be better equipped to enjoy your current good health and the life you have before you.  

MS is not shameful.  My ex wife had colon cancer and still has a colostomy bag. Many people would find that embarrassing.  Her husband is supportive but she is also continuing to be a good partner for him and positively engaged in all areas of her life.  It was not easy for her, she became seriously depressed, as you seem to be.  She needed counseling to get where she is today.  You can do it too, and it needs to be done for YOURSELF and not to get a boyfriend back. 

I wish you the very best.  Embrace your life.  

He doesn Know my Switzerland plans. And it was 2 weeks ago he told me this. I’m being the best partner I can be and I’m doing everything I can to show him my love, but If I lose him I don’t plan to stick around to die alone: 

[Dimjo9]

1 minute ago, daisy1333 said:

I hope so because I’ve had to pull over when driving to the store because I was crying so much. I’m having panic attacks and can’t breathe some days: I hate myself for this and I just want for him to tell me he loves me and forgives me: 

 

I know we’d still have a lot to work on but I’m willing to do anything to make this work. He’s my forever person. 

I pray that God- “jehovah rapha”  heals you of your pain & resentment, chronic illness..

He restore marriage as long as the 10 commandments are not broken.. Thou shall not covet other mans wife, Thou shall not commit adultery.

Both of you have not done it.. celebrate your bday with him alone.. You will have a very good life..

Prayer transcend boundaries, Heaven can hear the goodness in both of your hearts. How do we pray ? Go to a quiet place, kneel down.. whatever name you call Him, we have only one God the creator of heaven & earth..

Speak to him “ask & it shall be given”.. 

 

[Dimjo9]

3 minutes ago, Dimjo9 said:

I pray that God- “jehovah rapha”  heals you of your pain & resentment, chronic illness..

He restore marriage as long as the 10 commandments are not broken.. Thou shall not covet other mans wife, Thou shall not commit adultery.

Both of you have not done it.. celebrate your bday with him alone.. You will have a very good life..

Prayer transcend boundaries, Heaven can hear the goodness in both of your hearts. How do we pray ? Go to a quiet place, kneel down.. whatever name you call Him, we have only one God the creator of heaven & earth..

Speak to him “ask & it shall be given”.. 

 

I will teach you how to breathe to control your panic attack & anxiety..

1. Dress comfortably 

2. sit on a lotus position

3. coil your tongue, touch your upper pallet & inner front teeth

4. Breathe slowly Tru Nose, & exhale tru mouth-you should not hear your breathing..

5. You will sweat profusely if u do it right.

 

[daisy1333]

52 minutes ago, Dimjo9 said:

I pray that God- “jehovah rapha”  heals you of your pain & resentment, chronic illness..

He restore marriage as long as the 10 commandments are not broken.. Thou shall not covet other mans wife, Thou shall not commit adultery.

Both of you have not done it.. celebrate your bday with him alone.. You will have a very good life..

Prayer transcend boundaries, Heaven can hear the goodness in both of your hearts. How do we pray ? Go to a quiet place, kneel down.. whatever name you call Him, we have only one God the creator of heaven & earth..

Speak to him “ask & it shall be given”.. 

 

I hope things get restored. I’m not ok at all right now. The thing that makes this hard is he is acting like everything is normal so idk what to think 

[daisy1333]

6 hours ago, Dimjo9 said:

I will teach you how to breathe to control your panic attack & anxiety..

1. Dress comfortably 

2. sit on a lotus position

3. coil your tongue, touch your upper pallet & inner front teeth

4. Breathe slowly Tru Nose, & exhale tru mouth-you should not hear your breathing..

5. You will sweat profusely if u do it right.

 

Thank you for this. I’ve tried things like this and it hasn’t helped yet. Maybe this will.... so far lots of alcohol and sleeping pills and cbd stuff is the only way I’m functioning. Alcohol and cbd gets expensive though and I can’t refill my meds early. Guess it’s a “good” thing I had almost stopped two of them. Nothing like an extra three month supply to help me sleep until this blows over and one way or the other I know my next step. 

[daisy1333]

7 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Being with an ill partner is extremely draining even at best.   Your partner will still want to enjoy you, and have joy in their own life.  That means that you will have to be in a state where you can contribute positively to a relationship.  

MS is not shameful. 

I’m not needy and take care of myself 100%. The only time I needed his help with this was to drive me to my follow up mri bc I had to take heavy sedatives to be calm enough to be in that small thing. 
 

and yeah this curse is shameful. I wish America was as advanced as Switzerland so I could wait until it gets bad. Now I’m gonna have to go early if I want to avoid end stage of this or if we end up breaking up. I prefer us to stay together, but if I’m meant to go now it is what it is. 

 

[Art_Critic]

Hi Daisy,

If you feel like things are getting too hard for you to handle don't hesitate to ask for help, this thread I'm going to link has some numbers of hotlines.

Many times talking with someone who can understand what you are feeling can help.

***Hugz***

[introverted1]

 

On 1/8/2020 at 6:52 PM, daisy1333 said:

he’s been such a strong supporter. He changed his eating habits and is cooking for us (still is), is supporting me with a potential career goal, got super mad when he found out I signed up for something in Switzerland. He just doesn’t seem like the type who would leave over this unless it was right away. He even helped me put in plastic retainers on my 18 piercings twice and that’s not something I see him doing it he had one foot out the door.

8 hours ago, daisy1333 said:

He doesn Know my Switzerland plans. And it was 2 weeks ago he told me this.

Which is it?

At the risk of sounding hard-hearted, I don't really understand what's been going on.  MS is not a fatal disease and, by your own account, you have not had any symptoms as yet.  I understand that living with a chronic condition is difficult, and I am not minimizing MS, but what is unclear is why it took you 18 months to learn more about your prognosis and why you shut out your partner for so long. And now you're in a panic. Is there more to this story?

Edited January 27, 2020 by introverted1

[daisy1333]

8 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

 

Which is it?

At the risk of sounding hard-hearted, I don't really understand what's been going on.  MS is not a fatal disease and, by your own account, you have not had any symptoms as yet.  I understand that living with a chronic condition is difficult, and I am not minimizing MS, but what is unclear is why it took you 18 months to learn more about your prognosis and why you shut out your partner for so long. And now you're in a panic. Is there more to this story?

I learned about it 18 months ago. That’s when I shut everyone out:  this curse might as well be fatal bc I’m not sticking around to be a blind cripple. I shut him out bc I thought it would be easier that way since the drs made it sound like I’d be disabled in months. And I still think of this curse the same way I did 18 months ago. I just don’t want to lose my boyfriend because of it. 
 

he knew about my original Switzerland plans... he doesn’t know I’ll still head that way if we split. He will find out eventually it that happens not that he’ll care if he does leave me. I’d rather it not come to that, but again not living with this curse alone: 

Edited January 27, 2020 by daisy1333

[introverted1]

Pretty sure Dignitas won't provide services to an asymptomatic client who is suffering from depression.

I think you should find a doctor who understands MS and can help you gain perspective on the disease and its likely (but not guaranteed, of course) progression.  Many people with MS live well into old age with little loss of function (as compared to age-peers).

[daisy1333]

5 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Pretty sure Dignitas won't provide services to an asymptomatic client who is suffering from depression.

I think you should find a doctor who understands MS and can help you gain perspective on the disease and its likely (but not guaranteed, of course) progression.  Many people with MS live well into old age with little loss of function (as compared to age-peers).

I’ve looked Into their website in detail and I’m pretty sure they will when I can prove how much this curse has hurt me and is ruining my life. 
 

but the point of this thread is not to discuss my plans for one day...: it’s to determine if I can save my relationship. And it’s not like for 18 months I shut him out 100% I just wasn’t there like I had been. But In my defense, I went from having an entire future before me to knowing my future is over and I’m just waiting to become a burden to people. 

Edited January 27, 2020 by daisy1333

[daisy1333]

1 hour ago, Art_Critic said:

Hi Daisy,

If you feel like things are getting too hard for you to handle don't hesitate to ask for help, this thread I'm going to link has some numbers of hotlines.

Many times talking with someone who can understand what you are feeling can help.

***Hugz***

Ty for your post. I’m always paranoid about calling these places. One of my good friends did and the cops showed up and she was sent to a hospital for 2 weeks. Idk what she said though so she could have said she was actively trying to hurt herself or worse. I wasn’t with her. I just know because I had to take care of her cats while she was gone because her roommate wouldn’t do it. 

[daisy1333]

Well we renewed our lease for another year. He says he still doesn’t know if he loves me, but we have been acting like everything is normal. Why would he renew our lease if he wasn’t at least thinking that he might still love me? 
 

I’m not sure how long this will take for him to figure out. This is killing me. 

Edited February 20, 2020 by daisy1333

[basil67]

Why would he renew his lease if he wasn't at least thinking that he might love you?  Because his living situation with you is comfortable and convenient.  

I'm not sure how long you've been a couple, but if it's more than 8 months, if he doesn't know now, he likely never will.  

[daisy1333]

Just now, basil67 said:

Why would he renew his lease if he wasn't at least thinking that he might love you?  Because his living situation with you is comfortable and convenient.  

I'm not sure how long you've been a couple, but if it's more than 8 months, if he doesn't know now, he likely never will.  

18 years.... there was a longer thread further down with the back story. I thought I posted it I guess I’ll try again. But idk why he would renew our lease if he knew for sure he didn’t love me. 

[daisy1333]

Here’s the old one. I hope I did this right: is a month to long, short, how long does this type of thing take? I’m running out of pto, quit my petsitting business, and am spending way to much money on concert tickets, tattoos, alcohol, coffee, and cigarettes..

 

only plus I’ve lost 12 pounds. 

[basil67]

Ah, it was posted under a different username.   With this further information, I would say that he's renewed the lease because he's not going to bail out on you...at least in the short term.  He's probably hoping he can recover from the past.  

That said, you previously wrote "but my happiness depends on if we stay together".  Does he know you feel this way?  If so, he could also be staying out of guilt.

[Fletch Lives]

Okay, so his love level is low or he has fallen out of love. All you can do is act like you guys did when you first fell in love/started dating and perhaps his love level will rise back to where it was in the good old days.

Since he renewed the lease, it sounds like he's not leaving anytime soon, so that's good news.

[daisy1333]

5 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

 

 

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Ah, it was posted under a different username.   With this further information, I would say that he's renewed the lease because he's not going to bail out on you...at least in the short term.  He's probably hoping he can recover from the past.  

That said, you previously wrote "but my happiness depends on if we stay together".  Does he know you feel this way?  If so, he could also be staying out of guilt.

I am not sure why it swapped names. I was very confused about that. I don't think I signed up for a different account. Although with that amount of drinking I am doing it is hard to say. He has no idea I feel this way. He knows I am struggling with this whole thing, but her doesn't know HOW bad. So I should take it as a good sign that he renewed the lease and that there is hope?