Updated can I fix my relationship

[schlumpy]

Why don't you "show" him how much you care along with telling him.

Does it turn him on to come home and find you are drinking? If not, then why not cut back to where you can retain the use of your logic and reason. Take your emotional turmoil and use it as fuel to make yourself a better partner in his eyes. If it doesn't work then at least you tried and that's much better then letting worry eat a hole in your belly.

[daisy1333]

Just now, schlumpy said:

Why don't you "show" him how much you care along with telling him.

Does it turn him on to come home and find you are drinking? If not, then why not cut back to where you can retain the use of your logic and reason. Take your emotional turmoil and use it as fuel to make yourself a better partner in his eyes. If it doesn't work then at least you tried and that's much better then letting worry eat a hole in your belly.

I don;t start drinking until later in the evening. ( a "normal" I guess time). We spend time together almost every night (we never spent every night together) , still have sex , go out with friends , talk about "future" plans, and I have done everything to show him. I just don't know if a month is a long time , short time , or how long I should be expecting this to go on for.

[schlumpy]

OK Daisy. I would see him signing the year lease as only a chance that things will work out in the long run. The one thing you can read into it is that he won't be leaving you for someone else in the short term.

The above post is much more positive then your first one. It looks like you have a lot to work with that is in your favor.

May I ask you about your own feelings of happiness? Sometimes we get a gut feeling that our SO is not "feeling it" anymore and many times that is right but in your case I get the inkling that your dissatisfaction is self generated. Are you happy with the relationship? Are you getting what you need out of it?

I think that couples counseling might clear the air for you. 

[daisy1333]

9 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

OK Daisy. I would see him signing the year lease as only a chance that things will work out in the long run. The one thing you can read into it is that he won't be leaving you for someone else in the short term.

The above post is much more positive then your first one. It looks like you have a lot to work with that is in your favor.

May I ask you about your own feelings of happiness? Sometimes we get a gut feeling that our SO is not "feeling it" anymore and many times that is right but in your case I get the inkling that your dissatisfaction is self generated. Are you happy with the relationship? Are you getting what you need out of it?

I think that couples counseling might clear the air for you. 

I’m 100% in love and was happy before this. My gut feeling is this is some sick revenge fir how I was. I don’t know how long I can take this though. 

[schlumpy]

Only two choices Daisy. You leave or you stay. Leave if you feel this is going to wreck you emotionally. Stay if you want this to work and are giving it your all. Just know when it's time to give up and that's hard to assess.

Keep the radar up but don't look for reasons to leave. Look for reasons to stay.

[daisy1333]

2 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Only two choices Daisy. You leave or you stay. Leave if you feel this is going to wreck you emotionally. Stay if you want this to work and are giving it your all. Just know when it's time to give up and that's hard to assess.

Keep the radar up but don't look for reasons to leave. Look for reasons to stay.

I want to stay. I love this man and want to spend forever with him. This not knowing is killing me. I just don’t see why he would renew the lease if there wasn’t at least something still there. 

[daisy1333]

Has anyone else gone through this? How long did it take for your so to figure out if they still loved you? 
 

positives 

we renewed the lease 

we still do things together 

we still plan things In the future 

we still have sex 

he still sometimes says little things that hint that he’s just doing this to let me see how he felt 

 

negative 

he hasn’t said he loves me

Edited February 20, 2020 by daisy1333

[daisy1333]

And now we just had a conversation about the air conditioner and how nice it will be that we have a new  one This summer (last summer it died for like 3 days) 

Why would he talk about next summer if he’s not planning on being here.

Edited February 21, 2020 by daisy1333

[ExpatInItaly]

The reality is that none of us have a crystal ball, of course. 

There are positive signs, yes. But we have no way of knowing whether he's making a serious effort to reconnect or just going with the flow because it's comfortable and familiar. 

The question is still: how long can you live with the uncertainty? And what will make you feel reassured - just him saying the words "I love you", or will you need something more? 

I don't recall if I mentioned it in this thread, but I went through something vaguely similar with an ex. We wound up staying together after that first upheaval, but my sense of security in the relationship was compromised and I always wondered in the back of my mind when that would come back to bite us. It finally did end, 4 years later. I think in some ways I had known for those final years that he wasn't truly invested, and I do believe we both tried. It just wasn't meant to be between us. 

[daisy1333]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The reality is that none of us have a crystal ball, of course. 

There are positive signs, yes. But we have no way of knowing whether he's making a serious effort to reconnect or just going with the flow because it's comfortable and familiar. 

The question is still: how long can you live with the uncertainty? And what will make you feel reassured - just him saying the words "I love you", or will you need something more? 

I don't recall if I mentioned it in this thread, but I went through something vaguely similar with an ex. We wound up staying together after that first upheaval, but my sense of security in the relationship was compromised and I always wondered in the back of my mind when that would come back to bite us. It finally did end, 4 years later. I think in some ways I had known for those final years that he wasn't truly invested, and I do believe we both tried. It just wasn't meant to be between us. 

I do feel like he is making somewhat of an effort on most days. If he tells me he loves me I would feel at least a little reassured. I would know we had a long way to go, but I would know that he was there and willing to try.

For now him saying "I love you" would be enough. I want this to work so hopefully one day soon he will tell me he loves me and wants to work on our relationship.

Edited February 21, 2020 by daisy1333

[ExpatInItaly]

22 hours ago, daisy1333 said:

For now him saying "I love you" would be enough. I want this to work so hopefully one day soon he will tell me he loves me and wants to work on our relationship.

Then the only thing you can really do is set a mental deadline for yourself, concerning how long you'd be willing to stay in the current limbo. Let's say another 2 or 3 months passes, and with no "I love you." Or 6 months. What are you then prepared to do? 

[daisy1333]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then the only thing you can really do is set a mental deadline for yourself, concerning how long you'd be willing to stay in the current limbo. Let's say another 2 or 3 months passes, and with no "I love you." Or 6 months. What are you then prepared to do? 

Idk to be honest. He did tell me he loved me last night, but he had gone out with his brother and he was pretty drunk. I woke up and he was still awake and I kinda helped him to bed since he was have asleep and half drunk. (Well I’m not sure how much of it was asleep and how much was drunk). 
 

but he gave me a big hug and said I love you. He hasn’t mentioned it today, and I’m afraid to bring it up because the past two days we’ve had such good days. I’m terrified he’ll say he was drunk and didn’t mean it. I’ll probably just tell him I love him at some point and see what he says. 
 

I think if this wasn’t causing my to lose sleep and hurting my performance at work I could handle this for longer. We’ve had some pretty decent fights over the years. I think the longest one lasted a little over a month. So this one is just a little over that. 
 

I’m hoping something he told me when we first started dating is true. He said something like what’s on a sober man’s mind is said on a drunk man’s mouth. So idk I’m trying not to get my hopes up to much. 

[daisy1333]

I hate this so much. I can’t sleep no matter what I do. This is all I think about. I have no interest in anything anymore. I’m trying to fake it around him which is easy because our work schedules are different. We have plans to do some things tomorrow. I don’t think I’ll be ok if things do end.just the amount of pain I’m in from the possibility of it ending is killing me. 

Edited February 23, 2020 by daisy1333

[daisy1333]

So he told me today he is still in love with me, but he’s just not sure if he wants to be with me because he got so used to being by himself..

I get where he’s coming from, but at the same time I went from on top of the world. Amazing friends, job I love and was going to start working on a really cool advancement , and the most amazing SO. I was getting caught up on student loans, paid off my car 2 years early. 

Now I don’t talk to my friends except through text , Gave up on my work thing because in 5 years I could be a blind cripple that doesn’t even remember her name.. and then there’s the SO Problem. He’s my forever person and I don’t know if I can do life without him. I know I want to be with him and spend the rest of my life with him.

 

i was just so afraid of becoming a burden on him I thought pushing him away was best. Although he’s the most amazing man so I should have trusted him. 
 

not sure what to do from here. We’ve been spending more time together, he’s more affectionate, we made plans for March and May. I feel like this is a step forward. I already knew both of these things. 
 

idk... what do you guys think. Is this a step up? Should I just keep doing like I am? 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, daisy1333 said:

what do you guys think. Is this a step up? Should I just keep doing like I am? 

Honestly, you need to ask him these questions at this point. 

Does he feel like this is a step up? Is there something he wants you to do differently? 

Reading what you'd already posted about this rupture to your relationship, I don't really think anything has changed with regards to his underlying doubts. He's evidently still telling you he isn't sure he wants to be with you, which doesn't sound like significant progress from his position when he first told you he wasn't very happy anymore. 

[daisy1333]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Honestly, you need to ask him these questions at this point. 

Does he feel like this is a step up? Is there something he wants you to do differently? 

Reading what you'd already posted about this rupture to your relationship, I don't really think anything has changed with regards to his underlying doubts. He's evidently still telling you he isn't sure he wants to be with you, which doesn't sound like significant progress from his position when he first told you he wasn't very happy anymore. 

Tbh I feel like things have gotten better. I get his point, but knowing he still loves me and Is willing to try gives me hope. If he was for sure done he would be out the door. I’m just going to hope things keep getting better slowly day by day. I know there’s no guarantee but him saying he still is in love with me is a step up. We are spending so much more time together and are getting along so much better. 
 

im hopeful but cautious 

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, if you feel okay about it, then that's all you need. 

[daisy1333]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, if you feel okay about it, then that's all you need. 

I’m far from ok. I’m having panic attacks, missing work, crying non stop, not sleeping , etc. I just feel a tiny little bit of hope when he told me this. I know we have a long way to go but this gives me hope it can happen 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, daisy1333 said:

I’m far from ok. I’m having panic attacks, missing work, crying non stop, not sleeping , etc. I just feel a tiny little bit of hope when he told me this. I know we have a long way to go but this gives me hope it can happen 

Yes, that's what I meant. Not that you're okay in general, but satisfied that this was a step in the right direction. 

[daisy1333]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, that's what I meant. Not that you're okay in general, but satisfied that this was a step in the right direction. 

It’s at least better then him not knowing if he loves me. We are basically acting like everything is the same except his not knowing what he wants. Although we have 18 months left on our lease so I’m hoping the signing the lease and saying he is In love with me is a small amount of hope that we can fix things. 

[daisy1333]

i forget exactly what was said. (I’m on every cold and cough medicine there is) but my SO made a comment about something I said. He was being obviously over the top ridiculous. I told him that and he said, “but I need to let you see how ridiculous you sounded and get my own little pay back”. 
 

we just had a great day together so this wasn’t after a fight so idk if this is his way of saying he wants me to know what I put him through or if he’s being a jerk or what. Knowing who he is it is very likely it is some sick revenge thing, but idk at this point. 

[introverted1]

On 2/19/2020 at 11:35 PM, daisy1333 said:

I’m running out of pto, quit my petsitting business, and am spending way to much money on concert tickets, tattoos, alcohol, coffee, and cigarettes..

Please tell me this is a typo.  You've been diagnosed with MS and are showing no symptoms but you shut your bf out for 18 months over worry about what might happen in future.  Yet here you are, smoking cigarettes, which pretty much guarantees a diagnosis of COPD or lung cancer down the road.  And that doesn't begin to address the health risks from "too much alcohol."

smh

[daisy1333]

10 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Please tell me this is a typo.  You've been diagnosed with MS and are showing no symptoms but you shut your bf out for 18 months over worry about what might happen in future.  Yet here you are, smoking cigarettes, which pretty much guarantees a diagnosis of COPD or lung cancer down the road.  And that doesn't begin to address the health risks from "too much alcohol."

smh

If I lose him I don’t care what happens to me. I had to cut back on the smoking because I had a nasty cold, but I might or might not start again. But my coffee and alcohol and prescription pill diet stays,. I shut him out because I was told by the dr I would be a blind cripple within a year and I didn’t want to put that on him. 

[daisy1333]

So today he made a comment about something that was kinda implying we were going to be together for the long term. 
 

he was talking about our dog and how we will still have her in 18years because she’s going to live forever. He said I’ll take such good care of her that she will be in our lives for the next 18 years. We were talking about how we wished we had got a dog earlier and then he said this. 
 

I hate not being able to ask him, but he’s a “let me come to you” type. I don’t want to pressure him and ruin what seems to be going great. 

[MJJean]

I'm about to sound mean, but I think you may need a bit of a push.

You're tossing back sleeping pills, drinking, smoking, and have pretty much completely lost interest in your own life. You're also depressed. So depressed you're thinking of suicide in Switzerland long before your condition is even noticeable, much less to the point of needing to check out. NONE of this is attractive. If you want him to love you this kind of behavior isn't how to go about it. Keep on like this and you won't be someone anyone wants to be around.

Wanna know what my niece did after she got diagnosed with MS in her 20's? Finished her degree, got a great job, got engaged, planned a wedding and honeymoon, got married, and had two children.

If you don't want to be a burden to him you need to get yourself straightened out.