Love77 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 I've been with my husband for a very long time and married for almost 4 years. Ever since we got married, he put no boundaries between us and his mother. His mom wants to know what we are doing every second. I wouldn't be surprised if she asked him how often we F****, even though we hardly ever. I'm a successful, young, and attractive woman. I should not feel this way. I want to have a baby and I'm ready to give another human being a great life, but I can't see that happening with my husband. I want out of this marriage but I'm scared I'll regret it in the end. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago and all I see when I look at my husband is the child I could have had. I've been cleansing myself by eating healthy and exercising to try to have another baby, but I feel like he's just playing with my emotions. I'm giving this man my fertile years and I want out of it ASAP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Please accept my condolences on the miscarriage & the loss of the baby. Would you be willing to stay if he put boundaries between you & mom? If so you need to tell him that you are thinking about divorcing because he picks mom. he still might pick her but at least give him the choice. If he doesn't change his ways, by all means don't waste your fertile years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) is this how you feel for the moment, with years of cascading feelings putting pressure on you... you know, like a moment where it just popped? the most important question you have to ask yourself is... do you love him, do you see yourself being happy with him? and you guys def need better boundaries with his mother. It should be you TWO, then the next circle should be your families, then the next circle your friends. I wish you luck. Edited February 20, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love77 Posted February 20, 2020 Author Share Posted February 20, 2020 Thank you for the replies. I never thought that I would turn to blogs for comfort. I feel like I'm going crazy and it's so easy for my husband to say "you need to stay calm if you want to have another baby." I was 16 weeks pregnant when I had my miscarriage and even the LOSS OF MY BABY was about his mom. Somehow she wants to be the center of our marriage. I love my husband, but I'm starting to HATE my life. If I divorce him, my whole family will turn their back on me. Sometimes, I wish I could find true love again and start something new with a man who wants to cherish me and appreciate all that I can do for him. Is marriage suppose to be THIS DEPRESSING???? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Having a baby doesn't fix your marriage. It will likely make it worse. Maybe you just can't have his baby. If you're unhappy you should just get out. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 How was the loss of your baby about his mom? Agree with preraph that having a baby won't fix your marriage. You state that you love your H. Guess you've talked with him about boundaries with his mom? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 His mom is calling her a lot of stress and it would me too. Tell your husband to keep his mom out of your business and if she has a key to your place change the locks.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love77 Posted February 20, 2020 Author Share Posted February 20, 2020 When I lost the baby, his mom kept comparing my experience with hers and how they did it back in her day. She went on and on about hers when all I wanted to do was rest and not hear about it. It was to the point when my husband told her "You were 6 weeks NOT 15." My fetus has a heart, brain, fingers, and toes Yes, I talked to him about boundaries. He said he doesn't share our personal life with her anymore, yet I catch him emailing stuff about me to his mom. I've told him I check his emails BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST HIM. Am I going crazy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love77 Posted February 20, 2020 Author Share Posted February 20, 2020 3 minutes ago, preraph said: His mom is calling her a lot of stress and it would me too. Tell your husband to keep his mom out of your business and if she has a key to your place change the locks.. Oh I would never let that b**** have a key to my house lol. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 4 minutes ago, ScrewMyMarriage said: When I lost the baby, his mom kept comparing my experience with hers and how they did it back in her day. She went on and on about hers when all I wanted to do was rest and not hear about it. It was to the point when my husband told her "You were 6 weeks NOT 15." My fetus has a heart, brain, fingers, and toes Yes, I talked to him about boundaries. He said he doesn't share our personal life with her anymore, yet I catch him emailing stuff about me to his mom. I've told him I check his emails BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST HIM. Am I going crazy? well, if he betrays your trust and lies to you... it doesn't necessarily create trust, does it? Trust is a two way street. again, you need to figure this out... do you love him? do you see happiness with him, if he found proper boundaries with his mother? if so, then seek counseling...but it'll only work if both of you are into salvaging your marriage b/c it seems like you're at the rope's end. don't act out on feelings, think this thru so you will have no regrets looking back, whatever you decide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 You are not going crazy. One of the things they talked about in the premarital counseling sessions DH & I attended before we got married was how each spouse had to separate from their family of origin (mom & dad) because they new spouse & one day children had to be primary. Maybe your husband didn't fully comprehend that message. I don't hear you saying that you don't love him. I hear the lack of trust & the desire to get his mom out of your marriage. Perhaps give some MC a chance so that he understands the consequences of not changing his ways. I do wholeheartedly agree that you would be unwise indeed to bring a baby into the present situation. If you think your MIL is bad now, wait until their is a grandchild. She needs to be put in her place by her son before you have kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 58 minutes ago, ScrewMyMarriage said: I wouldn't be surprised if she asked him how often we F****, even though we hardly ever. Why is that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Try marriage counseling and maybe someone can let him know he needs to stop. If you love him. If you are ambivalent, then by all means, leave. No kids. I'd hate for you to have a kid and find out you really need to leave now. And guess what, his mother is going to be more invasive than ever once you give her a grandchild. She'll be telling him how to tell you to raise it and probably be demanding things. So think carefully about if you want to have her for a grandmother to your kid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love77 Posted February 20, 2020 Author Share Posted February 20, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: Why is that? We were on our honeymoon and she got upset that we didn't contact her or send her any pictures. She wants EVERYTHING to be about her. On top of it all, she keeps saying "oh I pray for you both every day." and "I'm not like those nosy mother in laws, I leave you alone." THIS BITCH IS MIND F****G ME. My husband doesn't see it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love77 Posted February 20, 2020 Author Share Posted February 20, 2020 I can't thank you all enough for your great advice. I read every single one of them. Thank you for not judging me. I will try couples counseling. However, I feel so much hatred and anger I just want to walk out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Sounds like your only problem with your husband is his mother, and his inability to set boundaries for his mother. I'm not sure you will be ok with divorcing him down the road for external reasons. Yes, his mother is external, and she sounds narcissistic. What you have to try and understand is he has spent his whole life dealing with her so it will be very difficult for him to see the obvious. Going to therapy may help him see that she is damaging your marriage. Have you explained to him that his mother is driving you to want out? It's only fair that you make him understand the significance of her involvement. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love77 Posted February 20, 2020 Author Share Posted February 20, 2020 1 minute ago, DKT3 said: Sounds like your only problem with your husband is his mother, and his inability to set boundaries for his mother. I'm not sure you will be ok with divorcing him down the road for external reasons. Yes, his mother is external, and she sounds narcissistic. What you have to try and understand is he has spent his whole life dealing with her so it will be very difficult for him to see the obvious. Going to therapy may help him see that she is damaging your marriage. Have you explained to him that his mother is driving you to want out? It's only fair that you make him understand the significance of her involvement. Yes, I've told him many many many times. There's been so many fights about her and all he says is "my mom really cares about you. She's not doing anything wrong. You are paranoid and it's not normal that you want to hide everything from her. So what if she wants to talk to us when we are on a trip?" I'm trying to be realistic now. I want to have a baby and I always believed that a child should have both parents loving each other and not divorced. What if he's the only chance I have to becoming a mom? What if I divorce him, and by the time I find someone I truly love that it's too late for me to get pregnant? At the same time, I know I'm being selfish and maybe I am not meant to have a child of my own. I never thought my marriage would turn out like this. I've been crying every single day since I had my miscarriage. It's too hard and the worst part was explaining to my inlaws what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK CROOK Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 Marriage Counseling is definitely needed here, guy needs to establish some boundaries. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 10 hours ago, ScrewMyMarriage said: Yes, I've told him many many many times. There's been so many fights about her and all he says is "my mom really cares about you. She's not doing anything wrong. You are paranoid and it's not normal that you want to hide everything from her. So what if she wants to talk to us when we are on a trip?" I'm trying to be realistic now. I want to have a baby and I always believed that a child should have both parents loving each other and not divorced. What if he's the only chance I have to becoming a mom? What if I divorce him, and by the time I find someone I truly love that it's too late for me to get pregnant? At the same time, I know I'm being selfish and maybe I am not meant to have a child of my own. I never thought my marriage would turn out like this. I've been crying every single day since I had my miscarriage. It's too hard and the worst part was explaining to my inlaws what happened. You can’t live your life by ‘what if’s’. You want a baby, fine, if hubby doesn’t and it is all about him; then D. Have you tried any IC? The big issue is communication, not speaking but being heard. kind regards Buffer 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 You better get him to see the light through marriage counseling, or if you do have a baby, that's going to be your breaking point, because his mother is for sure going to take over that child and expect all kinds of access (unless she doesn't really like kids or something) and try to dominate that whole thing -- and he'll let her. Everyone knows that it's his place to stand up for you over his mother, and it is his problem. If you ever even watch Dr. Phil this comes up a lot. It's about boundaries and it's healthy to HAVE them. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 If you think his mom is interfering in your life now, picture this a hundred times when you have a baby. It will be her grandkid so she will knock on the door whenever she wants to see it, she will give you endless advises (and maybe commands) about how to raise it, what it needs to eat and so on. This problem needs to be solved once and for all before you have a child with him. The only solution is remove her from your life. If he wants to go visit her, he can go alone, but you never talk or see her again and that's that. She has caused this to herself. Talk to him in all seriousness and tell him you have reached your breaking point and he has to accept you won't see his mom again and if he starts the excuses again, you have your answer to your question. Try this as a last chance for him and let him choose. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 Move about a hundred miles away. It can really improve relations with relatives. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 (edited) 19 hours ago, ScrewMyMarriage said: I've been crying every single day since I had my miscarriage. It's too hard and the worst part was explaining to my inlaws what happened. Like others have suggested, IC is important for you to help you through the grieving process. Couples counseling is also important for you and your husband to make HIM understand that it is HIS responsibility to enforce the boundaries with his mother. His loyalty needs to be to you first, as his wife. For 3-4 years, my mother-in-law lived with my first husband and me (imagine your MIL living with you!!) until we got to the point where I told him "Either she goes, or I go." That is when he finally took action. My husband used to tell me "She interferes because she cares." Umm. No. She interferes because she CAN. Your husband needs to understand he is allowing this to happen, and it's going to ruin his marriage if he doesn't step in. Oh, and I completely agree with Schlumpy - about 100 miles distance between you will also help.🙂 Edited February 21, 2020 by vla1120 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 On 2/20/2020 at 12:01 PM, ScrewMyMarriage said: I've been with my husband for a very long time and married for almost 4 years. Ever since we got married, he put no boundaries between us and his mother. His mom wants to know what we are doing every second. I wouldn't be surprised if she asked him how often we F****, even though we hardly ever. I'm a successful, young, and attractive woman. I should not feel this way. I want to have a baby and I'm ready to give another human being a great life, but I can't see that happening with my husband. I want out of this marriage but I'm scared I'll regret it in the end. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago and all I see when I look at my husband is the child I could have had. I've been cleansing myself by eating healthy and exercising to try to have another baby, but I feel like he's just playing with my emotions. I'm giving this man my fertile years and I want out of it ASAP. Wow, It feels so... appropriate to approach the random thread-starter here with an open mind and no bias... (not that we can succeed in all of that for a typical thread) But you, with every shred of your post (and nickname), seem to be urging us in terms of which side to take. If all you "see when you look at your husband is the child you could've had"... then you should have left the relationship years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 On 2/20/2020 at 2:15 PM, ScrewMyMarriage said: I was 16 weeks pregnant when I had my miscarriage and even the LOSS OF MY BABY was about his mom. I lost a baby at that stage once, it was devastating, I had to grieve for some time. So sorry for your loss. Hard to cope with someone else in your space. My father was always interfering and present at that stage of my life, we emigrated! The marriage didn't last anyway but I've had a great life over here. If a husband can't separate from his mother and prioritise his wife the marriage is usually not going to work I think. Decide if you even want to try, which from your user-name probably not? Make a decision and move forward. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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