Cheated on yet again....

[poizon74]

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on this forum, so long in fact that I forgot I still had an account here...

Last time I was on here it was because I had been cheated on by my now ex-wife.  Well I just found out that I’ve been cheated on again, and so obviously I’m back.

The situation is completely different this time, and yet it feels like deja vu.  Just a very short outline, my partner of then 10 years cheated on my while we were in a LDR.  She ended up sleeping with someone else and then telling me about it some weeks later, citing her growing frustrations with the LDR.  I decided to forgive her because I was still in love with her and wanted to be with her still.  Well, that didn’t work out so well.  I maintained my cool for years to follow but always had an underlying sadness/resentment I had to struggle with.  I ended up moving to live with her again, thinking I would remove the problem that cause it, and we even got married a few years later, but it eventually fell apart.  She wanted to move away again and neither of us would not do an LDR again, so she left me...

I was very depressed at the onset but, for whatever reason, got past it quickly (maybe because I had already dealt with heartbreak in that relationship) once I knew she was gone for good and started dating rather soon after our divorce.

I met my current g/f (of about 5 years now) around then and we even had a child together (my daughter who is now almost

4 yo).  My new relationship has been harder from the get go.  Families don’t get along, some of our friend circles don’t get along, we have very different approaches to many things and get into arguments relatively often.  Still we have a lot of great moments together and constantly profess our love for one another and our little family.  We work very well together in many ways.  We did break up briefly once before, because of a fight, and almost broke up another time, because of a fight.  I’m used to being mad at her at times when we fight, but we always just cool down and after a day or two talk it all out and we’re fine again.

So just last week (literally 2 days before Valentine’s Day) she texts me that she kissed another guy at her work.  She told her sister who threatened to tell me so she told me first.  Says she would have told me about it eventually, but immediately she knew it was a mistake and didn’t want to hurt me or bring it up around Valentines.  We also just so happened to have planned a romantic getaway trip for the next weekend (this coming weekend).  

My initial reaction was to brush it off.  It was only a kiss and she did a good job that day of talking it down and putting blame on her sister for threatening to blab.  I was at work when I found out so I couldn’t quite digest it all, but I didn’t want it to ruin our valentines plans and I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.  Well I got home from work and just totally broke down, thinking about it more on the car ride home.  It was just a kiss sure but it really really affected me.  I had told her that in the past I had been cheated on and how much that hurt me and that that one thing was the hot button not to push with me, and here we are and she did it.

The situation feels so similar because here I am again, I still love this person and she’s the only one I want to be with.  I really really do not want to lose her over a mistake like that.  But I just can’t shake this terrible feeling that I know so well.  I feel like it would be stupid and devastating to my daughter and our family to end it over this, but I’m also worried that I’ll never really get passed it.  I’m not mad at her really, I’m just so saddened and hurt by the whole thing.

We did still go on our date valentines night, and I gave her her flowers and some jewelry I got for her, and she wore this sexy dress that she knew I liked out to dinner and we pretended like it never happened for a few hours.  But when we got back it basically sunk back in and we were completely distant from one another.  Barely spoke a word and didn’t touch one another for another day or so.

The only saving grace may be that it was only a kiss, whereas before my ex slept with the guy... I am a rational person and obviously the two do not equate.  And yet I cannot shake the feeling, like a deep sadness and lose like someone or something has died (the perfect trust in the relationship has died).

I honestly don’t know if I can get over it because of my past but over the last several days I’m just doing my best.  We can’t cancel the trip, so it’s certainly going to be awkward but perhaps some kind of emotional clarity will come of it either way.

I know everyone is different, but my basic question is how terrible does everyone else see an incident like this?  They didn’t make out, it was one kiss during an intimate conversation and both parties immediately felt bad and that it was a mistake (he’s dating someone else at her office now).  She said she came home that night and saw me and our daughter playing and knew for sure that she made a horrible mistake and didn’t want that other guy at all and only wants me etc.  Maybe that should make me feel better but it really doesn’t.  Is it worth breaking up with this person that I truly love and disrupting my family over one mistake like that?  My brain tells me certainly not, yet my heart is just so completely crushed...

I know neither of these incidents are “my fault” but I have to see myself as the common denominator in some regard.  Perhaps I’m just really not cut out for relationships.... not able to sense what my partner needs and give it to them, not able to read the tea leaves when things are bad, and maybe not able to take the heartache that comes with even just a “small” infraction of fidelity. 

I have talked to her about it and she basically said any and everything you could  possibly want to try and make it right.  Profuse apology, telling me it’s not my fault, offering to never speak to this person again and even suggested she’d quit her job (which is crazy talk cause she really needs that job), she’s told me that anything I want, anything I need from her she will do it.

In a small way that almost makes me feel empowered sometimes like I’m on the high ground now.  But really deep down the whole thing has just completely deflated my self esteem.  After a few days the ideas I’ve come up with to work it out basically involve me offering more to her and trying to give more in an apparent unconscious effort to “win her back” or “show her why I’m such a good partner”.  But then at the same time I feel like that’s essentially rewarding this terrible behavior.  
Im really at a loss here once again... and so once again I’m back on this forum looking for advice.    

[Marc878]

Admitted kissing usually means sex in an affair.

you tend to ignore red flags 

dating is a try out, she failed

now you are making her a priority when you obviously were an option

why?

your current actions are the infamous “pick me dance” which lowers your status

Edited February 20, 2020 by Marc878

[oldtruck]

polygraph test. WW lie 99.9% of the time.

most often used lie it only just a kiss. 

odds are it was a make out session with heavy hands at the minimum.

because a trip was payed for does not mean that you have to go on it.

[kendahke]

On 2/20/2020 at 4:53 PM, poizon74 said:

 I really really do not want to lose her over a mistake like that.  

A mistake is using salt instead of sugar in the cake batter recipe. What she did was a willful act---at no time when his face was coming at her did she step away, play him to the left or say "no". They both have been feeding this fever for some time--this didn't just hatch last week--it's been brewing for months while she's been smiling in your face.

She ok'd it with herself to take this step, so no, it wasn't a mistake. It was a calculated decision on her part and I'll bet dollars to donuts his hands were between her legs and her bra was half off.

Get clear on that first and stop lying to yourself.

Quote

offering to never speak to this person again

that's not going to happen. I know it, you know, she knows it, he knows it. Just saying that made her look stupid.

Quote

she’s told me that anything I want, anything I need from her she will do it.

Including leave the house and your child with you so she can go be with this guy she has been plotting with for months? Yeah, no, not anything. Again, stupid people do and say stupid things.

Edited February 22, 2020 by kendahke

[Marc878]

Yep, one thing all cheaters have in common. They lie a lot

[Daisydooks]

Read up on the 180. Start implementing it. 

Right now, you're being played like a damn fiddle. 

You only know about this because her sister threatened her. If she didnt, you would NEVER be told. God only knows what's been going on, but you got the "tip of the iceburg" story. She TEXTED you???? She went with the least offensive thing she could confess to, and I can guarentee it has gone further than this, and probably more than once. 

[smackie9]

So how many times did she tell you she wanted to end things but you talked her out of it?

Edited February 22, 2020 by smackie9

[Jill2]

Have you actually asked the sister to what your wife confessed to?  If she’s confessed a kiss to the sister, then she just may be telling the truth. But she also could of confessed the whole truth... like sex was or has been involved, once or more. So I’d be asking sister exactly what she confessed to. Obviously not in ear shot of the wife. 
 

I think you are in a bit of a loss state because deep down you know the truth. But you are TRYING to believe it was just a kiss as you don’t want admit it was Possibly full on sexual cheating AGAIN done to you. You want to believe her as you have a child together & don’t want that unit to break up. But a lot of people do jump to conclusions too quickly. A kiss MUST of meant sex. Not always (most of the time though sadly) 
 

Did you say it happened at some party? Alcohol involved? It may of been just one kiss, but you only have her words. Have you looked at her phone? Has she been open enough for you to look at her phone whenever you want? Look at EVERYTHING. Not just messages. Look at social media. Messenger, Instagram, Snapchat. (The messaging part), all the apps to see what others she can communicate to OP through. Go through photos. Emails, deleted emails...everything. If she has nothing to hide, Luke history of communication with this guy OR others, then this shouldn’t be a problem. 
 

So ask the sister, get transparency from your wife & any evidence if there is any  & maybe look into marriage counselling. I think that could help anyway, as it sounds you two may not be a perfect fit. With all the arguments & not talking until a day or two later. 
 

Good Luck 

[vengfulone]

It was just a kiss that's all.Did you ever stop to think what was going on with them that lead up to them kissing. Probably not just one kiss like she make's it out to be. Dude they work together they will see each other all the time. Your going to be thinking about that kiss every time she goes to work and she kisses you on the cheek and leave's. Sex with someone always start's with a kiss.99.9% of all cheating happen's at the work place. There's a lot more going on with them then what she's telling you If you don't dump her another year of your life will be wasted with her. By the way she's not going to tell her sister anything anymore. She wasn't going to tell you about it. She told you to give the sugar coated version! Go talk to her sister and get the XXX rated version 

[kendahke]

Leave her sister out of it.  She'd have already said something to you by now if she was of the mind to tell you. All you have is this chick's word that she said something to her sister-, and you already know she's a liar-chances are, the person who threatened to tell you was the guy she was cheating with.

 

[JTSW]

She only told you because her sister threatened to tell you.

God knows what else she has been doing with this guy.

Time for some detective work.

[Sinful]

On 2/25/2020 at 11:45 AM, Jill2 said:

Did you say it happened at some party? Alcohol involved? It may of been just one kiss, but you only have her words. Have you looked at her phone? Has she been open enough for you to look at her phone whenever you want? Look at EVERYTHING. Not just messages. Look at social media. Messenger, Instagram, Snapchat. (The messaging part), all the apps to see what others she can communicate to OP through. Go through photos. Emails, deleted emails...everything. If she has nothing to hide, Luke history of communication with this guy OR others, then this shouldn’t be a problem.

Gotta agree with Jill here. You gotta know if this is just some 1 time drunk lapse of judgement (not that that's an excuse) or if this goes further with her having communication and relations with him and/or others.

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, Sinful said:

You gotta know if this is just some 1 time drunk lapse of judgement

If this is the sort of thing that happens when she's drunk then this could have happened many times.

[AngieH]

On 2/25/2020 at 4:45 PM, Jill2 said:

Did you say it happened at some party? Alcohol involved? It may of been just one kiss, but you only have her words. Have you looked at her phone? Has she been open enough for you to look at her phone whenever you want? Look at EVERYTHING. Not just messages. Look at social media. Messenger, Instagram, Snapchat. (The messaging part), all the apps to see what others she can communicate to OP through. Go through photos. Emails, deleted emails...everything. If she has nothing to hide, Luke history of communication with this guy OR others, then this shouldn’t be a problem.

 

22 hours ago, Sinful said:

Gotta agree with Jill here. You gotta know if this is just some 1 time drunk lapse of judgement (not that that's an excuse) or if this goes further with her having communication and relations with him and/or others.

Sorry, but this just isn't right.  Two wrongs do not make a right.  Snooping is simply unacceptable and is no way to resolve the issue.  The two of you need to communicate and discuss your feelings. My bf recently snooped on me and I can tell you that it really makes you question things and can destroy all trust in the relationship.

Just be open and honest and encourage her to do the same.

[simpycurious]

20 minutes ago, AngieH said:

 

Sorry, but this just isn't right.  Two wrongs do not make a right.  Snooping is simply unacceptable and is no way to resolve the issue.  The two of you need to communicate and discuss your feelings. My bf recently snooped on me and I can tell you that it really makes you question things and can destroy all trust in the relationship.

Just be open and honest and encourage her to do the same.

I agree with Angie.  What's the point in being with someone that you don't trust or who doesn't trust you.  It seems warped and destined for failure if there

is not at least mutual trust. 

[Sinful]

36 minutes ago, AngieH said:

 

Sorry, but this just isn't right.  Two wrongs do not make a right.  Snooping is simply unacceptable and is no way to resolve the issue.  The two of you need to communicate and discuss your feelings. My bf recently snooped on me and I can tell you that it really makes you question things and can destroy all trust in the relationship.

Just be open and honest and encourage her to do the same.

Given the situation he has a legitimate right not to snoop, but "ask" to look at her messages. And if she has nothing to hide then she should have no problem showing them. My SO can't just tell me due to sibling pressure that she made out with some guy at a party and then I have to accept her at her word, which she wasn't going to tell me to begin with. If there's nothing there then I can decide if I can forgive the makeout session, or not.

Edited March 13, 2020 by Sinful