Affairs Happen in a Vacuum

[Lady Cathryn]

I honestly don’t think most affairs are about “just sex” ... there’s something else going on in the marriage. Just as there is most likely something going on with the third wheel in the whole situation.

This is what I ponder. Why did you meet this specific person in a specific time and place to spark? To combust? Is it utilizing one another? As opposed to using? 

[Lady Cathryn]

Which brings me to multi-verses and quantum physics and mechanics.

What if you are having a perfect relationship with this person in a parallel universe? My AP and I touched on that in convos. 

[Lady Cathryn]

But if you study parallel universes and quantum .... this is absolutely possible 

[heartwhole2]

So do you mean to say that affairs don't happen in a vacuum?

I agree that most affairs aren't just about sex; we are wired to bond and develop intimacy with our lovers. I disagree that affairs happen because of something going on the marriage; rather, affairs happen because of a WS's lack of impulse control, empathy, maturity, coping skills, communication skills, self-awareness, etc. A person who is unaware of the affair - the BS - cannot be choosing it or causing it. I agree that affairs happen because of something going on with the AP, often a lack of a healthy framework for relationships, poor self-esteem, poor impulse control, etc..

Humans enjoy falling in love. We are wired for it. It hits all the pleasure spots in our brains. We don't become capable of these things because our marriage is unfulfilling. Whether we find our marriages fulfilling may contribute to whether we would do something that most of us agree is wrong, but the truth is that the grass is greenest where we water it. For every adulterer who apparently couldn't figure out a healthy way to deal with a stale marriage and decided a secret lover would fix everything, there are five who thought their marriages were fine until they felt that spark with someone else, that spark that any of us could feel at any time. And then the brain that is craving another dopamine hit constructs a narrative in which the marriage is the problem to justify continuing to get those hits.

The only things that separates cheaters and non-cheaters are boundaries and self-awareness. I know how I am wired so I avoid letting a spark catch into a flame. I choose healthy relationships and those don't include lying and exposing my partner sexually to someone else without his knowledge or consent . If there's some magical person out there would be a better fit for me than my spouse (which I don't believe because we have many suitable partners and it's on me to make the investment in my marriage to make it what I desire and deserve) then I will deal with ending my marriage like an adult before forming that relationship.

There are plenty of people out there with whom I could fan a spark into a flame. I'm sure I pass them all the time. But when I get that possibly probing text or that intense gaze, I go, "Yeah, thanks but no thanks." Am I impressed that some dude could want something with me? Of course not. I'm a fabulous person after all. 

I was very much surprised to learn how little self-esteem my husband had when he had his affair. He was actually surprised and flattered that a single woman with a ticking clock would be interested in him. I remember saying on DDay, "I don't get it. Why would a single woman who lives that far away WANT to have a secret relationship with you?" And he fumbled for words and then said, "Well . . . she has really low self-esteem." So then I said, "Right, so then why would YOU want to have a relationship with her?" This cyclone of dysfunction just did not make sense to me. I had to step back and realize just how powerful those love hormones are because logically you are unlikely to wind up with a healthy, monogamous relationship by entering an affair, and the fact that this other person is willing to have an affair is a huge red flag about their suitability as a partner.

It really sucks to then find yourself married to Mr. Red Flags Galore. At least the AP knows she is choosing to have a relationship with someone willing to cheat and betray and lie. Though to be clear, I don't think it's useful to label cheaters are some sort of "other" who are different than the rest of us. We all struggle with self-esteem, boundaries, self-awareness, aging, truthfulness, etc. The issue with infidelity is that adding an affair to those issues is like taking a small cut and instead of cleaning and bandaging it, you rip it open further with a rusty nail and let it get gangrene. Now the wound is life-threatening and traumatic. Like I told my husband, you made this choice so that the best case scenario was tons of pain and hurting and personal work and clawing our way back. It sucks, but it is what it is. I write here because I hope others will take stock of their lives when they are just dealing with a little cut. A dose of love hormones, while fun, is never an excuse to inflict trauma on an unsuspecting spouse. If the universe is really willing the two of you together, surely it expects you to come together honestly and openly, without robbing a third or fourth party of their personal autonomy and agency.

[gaius]

Astronauts do seem to cheat on their partners quite a bit. So you might be onto something.

But I'm not sure a man getting a little too intimate with his Dyson while his partner is away counts as cheating.

[2.50 a gallon]

heartwhole 2

I used to have a friend who cheated on his wife all the time.  The reason, after the last child was born the wife announced no more sex, that sex was a sin, if it was not for the making of childern.  Even had their Catholic priest try to tell her otherwise, and eventually told him to just cheat

[lana-banana]

On 2/20/2020 at 7:08 PM, Lady Cathryn said:

Which brings me to multi-verses and quantum physics and mechanics.

What if you are having a perfect relationship with this person in a parallel universe? My AP and I touched on that in convos. 

Who cares? The only thing that matters is the universe you reside in, here, right now. I could be a billionaire in a parallel universe but that's not going to help me pay my bills. It's not healthy to focus on imaginary possibilities, especially where affairs (or anything with the potential to cause so much harm) are concerned.

And to be honest, if someone is not willing to commit themselves completely and wholeheartedly to you in this, the only existence which we can recognize as real, my guess is they're probably not more inclined to do it in any other number of alternate realities.

[carhill]

Humans vary widely. IDK about affairs happening in isolation, presuming one definition of vacuum, but they do happen and humans make choices at some point in the process. Then again, some humans are like vacuums, sucking up anything in their path. I used to call them attention/love/sex/whatever hoovers, like the vacuum. I've seen some who are popular and have, even on closer inspection, loving and healthy family lives but, for them that's not enough. They desire more. The word 'need' is sometimes used but IMO it's more a desire. They don't need sex/attention/love to exist and, often, ironically, get more than their fair share. Every moment their desires aren't fulfilled they're still existing, still alive. They want more. With billions on the planet, there's always another potential well coming along they can dip their ladle in to quench their thirst, even if having a reliable and constantly refilled well at home.

Perhaps, for some humans, to the extent they can compartmentalize their psyche, an affair can be a parallel universe. A separate reality. IDK. I've run into the gamut and will likely die in ignorance.

 

[Prudence V]

On 2/21/2020 at 4:24 AM, gaius said:

I'm not sure a man getting a little too intimate with his Dyson

Dysons use fans, not vacuums, to create suction. #punfail. 

[gaius]

14 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

Dysons use fans, not vacuums, to create suction. #punfail. 

Vacuum cleaners generally don't use the vacuum of space to create suction, they all use fans or some other source, but they all call themselves vacuums.

So perfect pun, despite the attempt at twitteresque criticism.

[stillafool]

On 2/22/2020 at 8:16 AM, 2.50 a gallon said:

heartwhole 2

Even had their Catholic priest try to tell her otherwise, and eventually told him to just cheat

Why not divorce?

[2.50 a gallon]

Divorce was too expensive.  Bay Area!  He would have had to pay for I forget whether it was 3 or 4 kids, plus wife who had never worked, plus the mortgage on the house, etc.   Leaving him almost not able to afford a studio apartment, and not being able to see the kids every night

[Amethyst68]

On 2/22/2020 at 1:16 PM, 2.50 a gallon said:

heartwhole 2

I used to have a friend who cheated on his wife all the time.  The reason, after the last child was born the wife announced no more sex, that sex was a sin, if it was not for the making of childern.  Even had their Catholic priest try to tell her otherwise, and eventually told him to just cheat

Oh please, this NEVER happened. No Catholic priest is going to tell one of their parishioners to break one of God's Commandments and risk eternal damnation (to use the rhetoric lol), but I bet it sounded good when he told you, more validation for what is basically poor decision making and extremely lax boundaries and from what a source!

As for your multi verse theory, IMO of course you're going to like that, it's just another version of star crossed lovers kept apart by this cruel world and his cruel wife, while in those other worlds she somehow disappeared and you lived happily ever after. It's your version of a modern day fairy tale.

[simpycurious]

On 2/20/2020 at 6:08 PM, Lady Cathryn said:

Which brings me to multi-verses and quantum physics and mechanics.

What if you are having a perfect relationship with this person in a parallel universe? My AP and I touched on that in convos. 

I don't get this at all

[2.50 a gallon]

Amethyst

You are right I myself did not talk to the priest.  But, there were other witnesses who did.  The man was definitely what some would classify as an alpha.  Boots on the ground in Vietnam, won several medals, saw some pretty nasty things, and word was he had some sort of drug problem while overseas.  Was an outdoors man, hunter and had a large collection of weapons.  And his life began to come off the rails and had became obsessed with carrying his weapons.  In our state it is legal and not uncommon to see someone carrying a hand gun while out shopping.  He began to carry a rifle and sometimes a shot gun.  

I did see the night he had too much to drink and the police took him away and took some of his guns.   But had to return them within a week.

I was told that there was an intervention with family and close friends and the priest. 

All agreed the priest had averted a possible tragedy

As for eternal damnation, my Ex MIL was a devote catholic.  Husband was a mean drunk.  One night he blew the kids cat away in the house with a shot gun.  After that incident, one of many, a priest told her to leave the state and divorce him.  That way she could get child support for her last 3 kids.  

Edited February 29, 2020 by 2.50 a gallon
mispelled

[Amethyst68]

Quote

As for eternal damnation, my Ex MIL was a devote catholic.  Husband was a mean drunk.  One night he blew the kids cat away in the house with a shot gun.  After that incident, one of many, a priest told her to leave the state and divorce him.  That way she could get child support for her last 3 kids.  

No priest should advocate staying in that situation. My family is Roman Catholic, we have priests (and nuns) in the family so I have a fair idea of how they operate and how it's changed through the generation. The bible allows for marriages to be dissolved on the grounds of infidelity. As for divorce, it's re-marriage that's not permitted, not allowed in the church and a civil marriage not recognised. The person involved would need to apply for an annulment. It doesn't stop them from separating or divorcing.