wtm78 Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 hi, when my wife says, she just wants to be alone to eliminate the negative emotions within her. what does that means? and what am i suppose to do? I gave her the space she needed, she is upset, i approach her to talk to her, she gets upset. what am i suppose to do? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 At this point she may not be sure of what she wants. What she knows is that she's unhappy. What do you want? If you want to reconcile, suggest MC. If you are done, start taking steps to extricate yourself from the marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtm78 Posted February 21, 2020 Author Share Posted February 21, 2020 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: At this point she may not be sure of what she wants. What she knows is that she's unhappy. What do you want? If you want to reconcile, suggest MC. If you are done, start taking steps to extricate yourself from the marriage. Thanks for the reply. May I know What is MC? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 (edited) To be clear, is she wanting to divorce? Or are you? If divorce is on the table and she wants to be left alone, it seems the best course of action would be to give her space to process whats happening. If you want to reconcile and not divorce, tell her. But then dont keep pestering/bugging her to talk. Right now she doesn't want to by the sounds of your post. To me, if I wanted to divorce, and I did, the very last thing that would have helped was being bothered and pestered when I asked for space (so that's where my advice comes from.) It would have fueled my confusion and anger more. Has there been infidelity? I guess I am only asking because your original post is in Separation and Divorce but you've provided very little info about how you got to this place. MC is Marriage Counselling Edited February 21, 2020 by Daisydooks Spelling 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 you should also, do as Daisy says and tell her your mind/heart, but after that... give her the time n space to contemplate her life. but yeah, a background would give this situation a context. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 2 hours ago, wtm78 said: Thanks for the reply. May I know What is MC? Marriage counseling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 Give her space. Let her spew and listen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 I guess it depends on what is causing the negative feelings. If it is your presence then I guess it's - "Houston, We have a problem." Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, wtm78 said: hi, when my wife says, she just wants to be alone to eliminate the negative emotions within her. what does that means? and what am i suppose to do? I gave her the space she needed, she is upset, i approach her to talk to her, she gets upset. what am i suppose to do? I read your other post. If I were you, I would tell her she is sending you mixed signals and you are inclined to go no contact and move forward with the lawyers. She does not get to have it both ways by telling you she needs to be alone, but then get mad at you because you will not accompany her to her family's dinners so she does not have to explain herself to them AND also getting mad at you for not telling her your grandmother passed. Tell her you are going to give her space by going completely no contact and will not respond to her texts, etc. Maybe you can give her a time frame and tell her that if you do not hear back from her, she runs the risk of losing you for good because you're not going to hang around indefinitely, waiting for her to make up her mind. Edited February 21, 2020 by vla1120 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) Yep... the above is good advice. (Since I didn't read the other thread) My EX was asking for space... but she couldn't tell me what that was. She couldn't give me a time frame, she wouldn't leave the house, and many days she acted like nothing was wrong. TO me... that was a load of horse $hit. I even said... Xmas is for family... if you don't want to be part of my family... then you don't need to come to my brother's house, and I won't go to your niece's house. Later that day she said she understood, and that she would like to go, and for m to come. I thought that was a sign she had thought things through. Nope... it was just one more level of crap. I tried to be "Her Husband" but she acted like I was some stranger... and later it came out that it was "Just for the kids". The truth is... she didn't feel like answering a lot of questions. (My family knew the truth already) Because... the reality was... the kids will eventually know, and they will eventually have an Xmas without mom. (that was this year) I know it may feel cold... but you will just get your heart pounded more if you don't take a stance... because it sounds like she has already made her mind up... and is just trying to make her escape plan. I was with my ex for 20 years, and I was trying to give her everything she was asking for... in turn... she just used that to extend her comfort, and find her way. Edited February 22, 2020 by Blind-Sided 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtm78 Posted February 29, 2020 Author Share Posted February 29, 2020 On 2/21/2020 at 10:20 PM, Daisydooks said: To be clear, is she wanting to divorce? Or are you? If divorce is on the table and she wants to be left alone, it seems the best course of action would be to give her space to process whats happening. If you want to reconcile and not divorce, tell her. But then dont keep pestering/bugging her to talk. Right now she doesn't want to by the sounds of your post. To me, if I wanted to divorce, and I did, the very last thing that would have helped was being bothered and pestered when I asked for space (so that's where my advice comes from.) It would have fueled my confusion and anger more. Has there been infidelity? I guess I am only asking because your original post is in Separation and Divorce but you've provided very little info about how you got to this place. MC is Marriage Counselling Thanks for the reply. Hmm.. it's not clear cut. We had issues for a while which I have been trying to resolve with her. But I could not get through to her what I'm feeling. Or perhaps she knows but doesn't know what to do. Over time the lack of acknowledgement and shutting down and closed of communication, I got really jaded and frustrated with the marriage. So I told her if you don't want to settle the issues or rather if you don't want to cooperate then leave. I didnt enjoy feeling like I am the only one trying to fix the marriage but she is not with me and is against me all the time. Perhaps she was also stress up to her neck and didn't know what else to do. She chose to hear that I was the one who chase her out and she left. After she left, I did try to meet up with her to work things out but while she is willing to talk and go out. She was not willing to come home. Months passed that way, and I got really frustrated. Somehow I felt that I was been arm twist. I don't know why I felt that way, but there was definitely a shift in power and she is closed up and unwilling to negotiate. In that case I set up a joint counseling session with her and in that session, while she was willing to attend and she say she is willing to work on the marriage, she also say in the counseling session she is not keen in counseling and that somehow we don't get each other. At the end of the session, the counselor asked both of us what do we want. I said I want to settle our issues fast, whatever the outcome. What I meant was, if we can't learn to cooperate, then leaving is inevitable. But she chose to hear that I wanted to divorce her and abandoned her so she told the counselor she will agree to my divorce. I was so jaded by then and disappointed. I just couldn't believe how stubborn and selective she hears things. I left the counseling center. That was last Oct. Till this day she insisted that I left her, I abandoned her, I wanted to divorce her and she is hurt to the core. And she claimed that she asked the counselor if I wanted to divorce her and the counselor said yes. - this I did clarify with the counselor this week and he say that was not what he said to her. While I don't want to divorce her, I also don't know how to live with her. 💔 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 43 minutes ago, wtm78 said: Thanks for the reply. Hmm.. it's not clear cut. We had issues for a while which I have been trying to resolve with her. But I could not get through to her what I'm feeling. Or perhaps she knows but doesn't know what to do. Over time the lack of acknowledgement and shutting down and closed of communication, I got really jaded and frustrated with the marriage. So I told her if you don't want to settle the issues or rather if you don't want to cooperate then leave. I didnt enjoy feeling like I am the only one trying to fix the marriage but she is not with me and is against me all the time. Perhaps she was also stress up to her neck and didn't know what else to do. She chose to hear that I was the one who chase her out and she left. After she left, I did try to meet up with her to work things out but while she is willing to talk and go out. She was not willing to come home. Months passed that way, and I got really frustrated. Somehow I felt that I was been arm twist. I don't know why I felt that way, but there was definitely a shift in power and she is closed up and unwilling to negotiate. In that case I set up a joint counseling session with her and in that session, while she was willing to attend and she say she is willing to work on the marriage, she also say in the counseling session she is not keen in counseling and that somehow we don't get each other. At the end of the session, the counselor asked both of us what do we want. I said I want to settle our issues fast, whatever the outcome. What I meant was, if we can't learn to cooperate, then leaving is inevitable. But she chose to hear that I wanted to divorce her and abandoned her so she told the counselor she will agree to my divorce. I was so jaded by then and disappointed. I just couldn't believe how stubborn and selective she hears things. I left the counseling center. That was last Oct. Till this day she insisted that I left her, I abandoned her, I wanted to divorce her and she is hurt to the core. And she claimed that she asked the counselor if I wanted to divorce her and the counselor said yes. - this I did clarify with the counselor this week and he say that was not what he said to her. While I don't want to divorce her, I also don't know how to live with her. 💔 I have read back through your threads. I would proceed with divorce. It's time. This is nonsense, it has always be nonsense, and it will always be nonsense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 29, 2020 Share Posted February 29, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, wtm78 said: ... We had issues for a while which I have been trying to resolve with her. But I could not get through to her what I'm feeling....... I didnt enjoy feeling like I am the only one trying to fix the marriage but she is not with me and is against me all the time. ..... After she left, I did try to meet up with her to work things out ....... she is closed up and unwilling to negotiate. ....... she chose to hear that I wanted to divorce her and abandoned her so she told the counselor she will agree to my divorce...... Till this day she insisted that I left her, I abandoned her, I wanted to divorce her and she is hurt to the core. .......... While I don't want to divorce her, I also don't know how to live with her. 💔 I know I chopped that up... but this echo's of the end of my relationship. My ex was mad... she blamed me for things that were 20 years old... she blamed me for things like I didn't change enough diapers when our oldest kid was a baby. (but never asked me to back them) Anyway... it was the same way... we would talk, and there was times where she would even agree that we needed to try for the sake of the kids. But the next day... she would just be pissed off again. (for no real reason) But most of the time... she just wanted to blame, and be angry for things that couldn't be fixed. (because it was all in the past) Ultimatly... was unwilling to try to talk. My ex is the same way... right now... I know she still says to the "Girl Scout Moms" that I threw her out... I was evil... I beat her and the kids... I made her lose her faith... I forced her to stop seeing her counselor... and all kinds of crap like that. But that has also caused her to have issues with her and our teen daughter. By the way... I got blamed for that too. The one point that I wouldn't bend on... was the divorce. I wanted to fix things because everything was so trivial... so if she wanted out... she needed to fill out the paperwork. Your stbXw twisted it into making it sound like it was your choice. But because that has happed... an because you have dealt with so much anger, and heartache... you need to do yourself a favor, and just allow this to happen. Go to the courthouse, and file. If she has been out of the house as long as you said she has... that is your "Seperation" period... and you may be able to have the divorce granted in just a few days. Where I'm at... the legal cooling down period is 90 days. But every state and/or country is different. Also... just because you file... that doesn't mean you have to finalize it. But the sooner you get this done... the sooner you will have peace in your life. I have said this a bunch of times... it's like a bad tooth. You may want to save it, but if there is too much damage... pulling it is the best way to deal with it. And once it's done... the healing can begin. I was you not so long ago... but I'm sitting here now basically as happy person. My kids are with me most of the time, and love me (the ex told me they were scared and afraid of me) and I'm seeing a few women (although that feels strange after being in a 20 year relationship) My "House" is in order again... and life is ok. Edited February 29, 2020 by Blind-Sided 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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