Girlfriend is friends with all her ex's and doesn't set boundaries....

[davidtx1980]

Hey All -

Some background first and then if I could get some advice that would be great...

I'm 39 and my gf of 2 years is 34, we both have been divorced once and the reason for our prior marriages failing was that the other person cheated.    Early on during the dating phase I recall a few of her guy "friends" always trying to take her out to house parties or to the bar to hang out.   I didn't object initially as we were very much into the getting to know each other phase and were not exclusive.  Fast forward a year, an ex "I'll call him Brian" reached out and she told me about it but she never replied to him.   I suggested that she may want to let "Brian" know that she's in a relationship and that he may want to focus elsewhere.    She didn't do it and didn't appreciate my suggestion.

Fast forward again to about 3 months ago, day before new years - her phone was blowing up and it was a few different ex's all wanting to meet up, hang out and such.   She told me, but never replied and never set boundaries (as I call it) with them.

Lastly, a week ago - a group text was sent by her ex who has tried for years to get back with her - he sent it to about 10 different people on the text for a house party.   She didn't tell me about it but I saw the messages come across her phone as it was next to me (no, I didn't snoop).  I told her that I'm tired of these guys coming out of the woodwork and that its time to set expectations with them.  She said I'm not changing my phone number and can't control who messages me.   I said, I never asked you to change your number but you can tell them that you're in a serious relationship and that it's not appropriate or that I'll check with my boyfriend and see if we can make it or something along those lines.  She didn't want to do it and said she doesn't like feeling like her every move is under a watchful eye.   

We've barely spoken in the past several days.   I don't know if it's insecurity on my part given how I've been cheated on or if I have unreleastic expectations.    What I'm asking for seems quite normal and respectful but apparently it isn't.  If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't hesitate to do so.

Any thoughts?

 

Thanks

[JS84]

I'm a few years younger than you and I learned in my 20s not to mess around with women who either 1) Have too many guy friends around or 2) Are involved with their exes on any level (unless it's like a co-parenting thing).

It doesn't sound like you guys are compatible. You should have put a fork in that relationship a long time ago seeing how you felt about it when you first started dating, she knew about it, and apparently couldn't care less and still doesn't.

Cut your losses, learn from the experience, and in the future avoid women like that. Someone who has piss poor boundaries with orbiters and exes crawling around does not make good relationship material.

Also just curious, you know for a fact she was cheated on in her marriage? Or is that just what she told you?

Edited February 21, 2020 by JS84

[davidtx1980]

JS84,  I don't know for certain but her claim was that he cheated on her while he was out of town and got his current wife knocked up while she was married to him.  Basically he cheated during the marriage and married the person he cheated on her with.   I assume it's true given the age of their child and all.

I'm just really conflicted... on one hand, I can't tell her what to do.. she's an adult and she should make her own decisions and whatever consequences come along with them.  For me, it's a bitter pill to swallow that this most recent guy has tried multiple times to get back with her... and she doesn't shoot that stuff down.   

I'm leaning towards she either A) Likes the attention B) Something was not fully closed/finished.. regardless it appears my opinion doesn't matter and she doesn't care if it bothers me.  All I get is I'm overreacting to it and she can't control who messages her and she won't change her number to avoid it.      What she COULD do is block him, tell him to leave her alone or that she's got a long term relationship.

After 2 years her child and mine (from our previous marriages) are integrated into a family unit and I'm not sure if this is worth disrupting that or not.

Conflicted to say the least...guess I either have to learn to live with it or tell her either she sets some boundaries with these guys or keep doing what she's doing but without me involved.

 

[Redhead14]

4 hours ago, davidtx1980 said:

Girlfriend is friends with all her ex's and doesn't set boundaries....

You can't control what she does with her boundaries or lack thereof, what you can do is enforce yours.  You tell her that how she handles these guys makes you uncomfortable.  If she doesn't respect your feelings/needs, then you tell her that you've enjoyed the time you two have spent together but this is a deal breaker for you and you are moving on.  PERIOD.  No looking back.  No ultimatum, no second chances.  This is ongoing not a one off thing.  Would she tolerate it if you were the one maintaining contact with multiple women????

This is not about you feeling insecure.  I might say that were the case if it were just one guy and she'd handled that situation in a more satisfactory way or at the very least acknowledged your concern, but this is about multiple men and her refusal to draw lines.  She isn't going to change.  So, move on.  Sorry, but that the hard truth.

Edited February 21, 2020 by Redhead14

[JS84]

You've been together for 2 years, not 20. Leaving would be difficult but staying even longer and trying to leave would just make it more so. Also I would not take her word that is the reason she got divorced. It could be. But being on sites like this for 7 years now, it's not uncommon for people to claim they divorced because the other person cheated when that either was not the case, was in fact the opposite way around, or many important details were left out. If she was behaving the way with her ex husband and other men the way she behaves with you, I would really question her version of events. There are two sides to every story.

Also you're right you can't tell her what to do and you can't control her. And honestly I don't care for ultimatums because they usually backfire or are ineffective because the one giving the ultimatum doesn't follow through when it's broken. If you give an ultimatum  (ex: We need boundaries or I'm out) then the line is crossed and no consequences are given by whoever gave the ultimatum that just emboldens the behavior.  If you give an ultimatum, especially one she's probably going to reject, you need to 100% be prepared to walk out the door. If you don't think you're in the mindset for that, then don't give any ultimatums.

Also sounds like she's gas lighting you. Next she'll probably start telling you some of the ones you're worried about are "gay".

No offense but at 39 you seem a bit old to be falling for and putting up with this. I really think you should leave and find someone better, more understanding, and accepting of boundaries. But at the end of the day it's up to you. Hope things work out.

Edited February 21, 2020 by JS84

[Marc878]

You have a choice. You aren’t married.

Shes shown you and told you what to expect now and the future.
 

Take it or leave it.

 

[d0nnivain]

For her the boundary is not replying.  You draw it elsewhere & want her to tell these EXs to buzz off.  She won't.  So you have a choice to make:  accept where she draws the lines or walk.  You can't make her do something she doesn't want to do; all you can do is control your actions.  

[schlumpy]

You may think you are exclusive but I don't think she does. She has one foot in the relationship and the other out. 

[Fletch Lives]

Some women can't say "no" to other guys. This makes these women not a good catch.

[kendahke]

14 hours ago, davidtx1980 said:

We've barely spoken in the past several days.  

Keep it that way.

She wants the attention of other men besides you. Cut her loose and let her have it.  You don't have to be her boyfriend while she does it.

She is encouraging them by not blocking them--it's probably why she is a failure at relationships and has a string of ex's a mile long.

[kendahke]

10 hours ago, davidtx1980 said:

I'm just really conflicted... on one hand, I can't tell her what to do.. she's an adult and she should make her own decisions and whatever consequences come along with them. 

You're right--you can't tell a grown woman you're not married to what she can and cannot do. What you CAN do is to not place your person in close proximity to her. That is totally within your control, so act like it.

Quote

I don't know for certain but her claim was that he cheated on her while he was out of town

The reason why she's divorced is because she's the one who cheated--most likely she did it first and he retaliated by giving her a dose of her own medicine, but created a brand new human being in the process. Someone who is capable of monogamy and empathy doesn't behave like she does. She doesn't cherish men she's emotionally intimate with, clearly. 

Leopards can't change their spots.

Edited February 22, 2020 by kendahke

[S2B]

Her lack of boundaries is destroying your relationship - that is true.

my question is why have you dated her for two years when she is unwilling to state clearly to her friends that she is seeing you?

she likes the ego strokes so much - that she is willing to purposely hurt your feelings for the attention.

shes not good girlfriend material - no one is when the don’t set a firm boundary.

[S2B]

And this IS who she is... so you can’t EVER expect her to change.

if you don’t like it - leave her - you have good reason to. 
 

I wouldn’t be capable of trusting her. Who knows what she’s responding when you aren’t looking.

[DKT3]

It seems that she likes the idea of them reaching out to her. I dont believe she is interested in these men so she doesn't reply...but she does enjoy knowing they are interested in her.

Problem is nothing positive can come from her reluctance to inform them she is in a relationship.  It's like others have suggested,  she may not be as invested in this as you. Accept this about her or move on, nothing else you can do. 

[Daisydooks]

She has no boundaries and you have yet to set proper ones yourself. Why? Why has this been acceptable to you?  Acceptable enough to blend families together while this is going on? Surely, she has pushed your personal boundaries but you still chose to move in and move your child into this as well. Why? Answer for yourself if youre not comfy doing so here. But its worthwhile to examine why you have made these choices knowing she had no desire to cut these ties to men who have even tried to get her back. Has she ever lead you to believe she would stop speaking to them? 

She makes her choices, but its time you make yours. 

You speak of her having no boundaries, while exercising very few yourself.  

I wouldn't put up with it. It's been 2 years, not 20. You arent married. With today's technology, she has every ability to block anyone who doesnt respect her relationship with you. Since she has zero intention of doing so, and doesn't respect you, move out and move the heck on. You can set boundaries and you make your own choices. Stop making the choice to stay in this nonsensical mess

 

Edited February 22, 2020 by Daisydooks

[Baman]

Why should she be enemies with all her exes?

Sorry but i think you are being insecure. Men should be able to have female friends and women male friends. 'Ex' or not.

She's not meeting them, not replying. So she's not handling it the way YOU want... Time to put away the patriarchy. She is not destroying the relationship, your reactions are.

 

[d0nnivain]

6 hours ago, Baman said:

Why should she be enemies with all her exes?

Sorry but i think you are being insecure. Men should be able to have female friends and women male friends. 'Ex' or not.

She had boundaries.  She just draws them somewhere the OP does not like.  He wants the boundary to be that she cuts the EXs out of her life.  She thinks the boundary is OK with her not responding to them or meeting them.  However, they seem to keep popping up so there must be some encouragement on her part because most folks fade away after being ghosted / no response a few times so I question the veracity of her insistence that she's not responding.  

I don't think anybody is saying people have to be enemies with their EXes but unless shared children are involved any intentional on-going closeness & interaction is too much for most people.  Opposite sex platonic friendships are OK; staying in touch with people you dated is bad.   I'm all for polite & civil when you run into an EX.  But to go out of your way to call, to message on social media, to hang out, nope, that is too much for me & many other people.  Apparently it's too much for the OP but that doesn't make him insecure.  

If he doesn't like how / where she draws her own boundaries his only choice is to enforce his own.  She won't change so he either needs to trust that she's not responding or not meeting them but keeps them there as a plan B back up ego boost or he needs to walk.  

 

[smackie9]

I'm getting the impression she's pretty hot /a fine fine girl, and that is why she is getting all this attention and the reason you won't dump her. She's got all of ya under her thumb.

[Marc878]

Red flags pay heed or suffer the consequences.

[oldtruck]

6 hours ago, Baman said:

Why should she be enemies with all her exes?

Sorry but i think you are being insecure. Men should be able to have female friends and women male friends. 'Ex' or not.

She's not meeting them, not replying. So she's not handling it the way YOU want... Time to put away the patriarchy. She is not destroying the relationship, your reactions are.

 

to go NC with ex's does not require her to become enemies with them or to hate

them. red flag, she shows a lack of establishing boundaries indicates she was the

cheater in her previous marriage and she keeping men orbiting her is her keeping

her options open instead of fully committing.

[ExpatInItaly]

So all of these men continue to message her, even though she never responds?

I have a hard time believing that. 

 

[Redhead14]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So all of these men continue to message her, even though she never responds?

I have a hard time believing that. 

 

Yep.  This situation is similar to one I had with my son many years ago.  I found weed in his room.  He told me he was holding it for someone else   I said "oh, yeah"?  Then, I asked him why our grocery bill was through the roof

[CAPSLOCK CROOK]

Women who have only guy friends and cannot get along with other women, in my experience, are way more trouble than they are worth. I could understand if her female friends were issuing invitations, but yeah... Honestly if she is not willing to tell her friends she is in a relationship, it is because she believes she is not... Regardless of what she will tell you and promise you, always pay attention to actions vs. words and when there is a disconnect between action vs. words, there is 100% a problem.

[preraph]

22 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

For her the boundary is not replying.  You draw it elsewhere & want her to tell these EXs to buzz off.  She won't.  So you have a choice to make:  accept where she draws the lines or walk.  You can't make her do something she doesn't want to do; all you can do is control your actions.  

I'm actually having trouble believing she doesn't reply.  I bet she calls them or something when he's not around or why would they keep it up after being ignored?  I agree that it isn't right to keep a man (or woman) around who you know is always trying to get back with you.  That is poor boundaries.  If she doesn't want him, what is she getting out of it? This is the type of person you NEED to tell to go away and block them.  There are exes who can become friends or invite you to parties or whatever that I think is okay if you really understand the dynamic there, which you don't.  

 

But no, the guy who is always after her, she's getting something out of that.  Don't know what, but I would leave her over that one.  I don't think anything wrong with friendly exes who have obviously moved on to invite you to parties as long as you can bring your partner with you.  

 

But yeah, I don't buy she's not responding.  She is probably doing it from work or when you're not around.  Does that mean she's cheating?  No, but it's stupid to let a guy who's after you stay in your life because for one, it's unfair to the guy, giving him hope when there is none, and then it's stupid if you let that person break up your relationship. 

[kendahke]

9 hours ago, Baman said:

She's not meeting them, not replying.

You and OP don't know that. You have no idea what this woman does when she's not in OP's line of sight.

OP--get a hold of her cell phone bill.

Besides, this is non sequitur. OP has asked her to respect his feelings on how she gives an audience to these orbiters and she hoisted the bird up the mast at him.  THAT is the problem.