Girlfriend is friends with all her ex's and doesn't set boundaries....

[Daisydooks]

15 hours ago, Baman said:

Why should she be enemies with all her exes?

Sorry but i think you are being insecure. Men should be able to have female friends and women male friends. 'Ex' or not.

She's not meeting them, not replying. So she's not handling it the way YOU want... Time to put away the patriarchy. She is not destroying the relationship, your reactions are.

 

Mainly because she hasnt mentioned her boyfriend that she lives with, and he hits on her and tries to ger her back. 

Her relationships are inappropriate and she lacks boundaries 

[Baman]

Interesting how everyone jumps on the ''she's wrong and encouraging the attention and probably cheating to boot bandwagon''.

Sounds to me like a lot of insecure people trying to keep the patriarchy alive.

Still, this IS an opinion forum... that's just mine

 

[kendahke]

10 minutes ago, Baman said:

Interesting how everyone jumps on the ''she's wrong and encouraging the attention and probably cheating to boot bandwagon''.

Sounds to me like a lot of insecure people trying to keep the patriarchy alive.

Still, this IS an opinion forum... that's just mine

 

you will find, on a cheating, flirting and jealousy board on any relationship website, that people have little tolerance for adults who cannot respect the esteem of the one they're supposed to be committed to while in an exclusive relationship and their apologists. That extends to willfully encouraging orbiters and exes. It has nothing to do with insecurity, but basic common sense. No one with a healthy sense of themselves likes to be made a fool of.

Edited February 23, 2020 by kendahke

[littleblackheart]

Whatever is going on (or not) with your partner and all seemingly very many exes, the bottom line is that she is ignoring your concerns, and is not being considerate of your feelings.

 

That is a huge red flag in itself; not the sign of a good partner.

[HappySenior]

Particularly hard on the female who does this different from what I've read here in the past.

A few comments. They've been together two years? Is that right?
Maybe she's wondering about his commitment in the permanent sense. He can bail at any time as far as she knows - just like he's being encouraged to do here. (If she's actually encouraging these guys, of course I agree he should bail. But he should be certain about that first.) 

To the poster who said people can't and don't change.  Of course they can. SOME people, when they lose enough, hurt enough, hit bottom; they change. But what does it take to get there? Losing =  what it takes. Then a lot of self-examination.  Personal experience talking. But they still have to lose someone they love for that to occur. Doesn't happen often, but it does happen. Usually the one who left doesn't get to see it though.

 

 

[Baman]

6 hours ago, kendahke said:

you will find, on a cheating, flirting and jealousy board on any relationship website, that people have little tolerance for adults who cannot respect the esteem of the one they're supposed to be committed to while in an exclusive relationship and their apologists. That extends to willfully encouraging orbiters and exes. It has nothing to do with insecurity, but basic common sense. No one with a healthy sense of themselves likes to be made a fool of.

I am not seeking to make a fool of anyone. I do however have a tendency to at least show a different perspective otherwise this place just becomes an echo chamber. A healthy discussion board has dissenting views among the many of same opinions. This is an opinion board if nothing else.

I was really only saying maybe he is being TOO jealous TOO controlling, but if the OP only wants an echo chamber of his blame all on her so be it.

[S2B]

30 minutes ago, Baman said:

I am not seeking to make a fool of anyone. I do however have a tendency to at least show a different perspective otherwise this place just becomes an echo chamber. A healthy discussion board has dissenting views among the many of same opinions. This is an opinion board if nothing else.

I was really only saying maybe he is being TOO jealous TOO controlling, but if the OP only wants an echo chamber of his blame all on her so be it.

Here’s a newsflash... anyone trying to date and lacks a healthy boundary causes issues within the relationship - every single time.

boundaries are essential. 

[Buffer]

So is it ok if you recurved these messages from your exgfs and how would she act?

[Baman]

53 minutes ago, S2B said:

Here’s a newsflash... anyone trying to date and lacks a healthy boundary causes issues within the relationship - every single time.

boundaries are essential. 

We are poly and open. We understand rules and boundaries quite well. And yes, boundary breaking and pushing does cause issues. But so does jealousy and unrealistic expectations on another persons rights to have friends, even if they are ex partners.

24 minutes ago, Buffer said:

So is it ok if you recurved these messages from your exgfs and how would she act?

My wife would be fine with it am I. In fact she is in regular contact with her previous lover. She had coffee with him last week. She reads me her text messages and shows me his social media posts. I have access to her phone and her to mine. It's a non issue because we choose it to be so.

[Daisydooks]

8 hours ago, Baman said:

Interesting how everyone jumps on the ''she's wrong and encouraging the attention and probably cheating to boot bandwagon''.

Sounds to me like a lot of insecure people trying to keep the patriarchy alive.

Still, this IS an opinion forum... that's just mine

 

To be clear, in THIS situation, with the information provided, this was my advice. 

I am not an insecure FBW. I could be easily. My advice is and always will be case by case. I am personally out of town this weekend, and my fiance is home this weekend. He went out with an ex and other friends tonight. He also exercises proper boundaries, I know her well, I know he doesnt hide messages, I have no reason to feel there is anything inappropriate between them and I know she isnt attempting to get him back. I am often included in outings and if I were home, I'd have been with everyone this evening. I am not some jaded person who feels all exs are bad or all female/male friends are bad for the opposite sex

Dont treat everyone like a betrayed and bitter human because you have reason to trust your wife. I also have every reason to trust my partner and I do. We both should because it sounds as though both of them exercise proper boundaries. 

I am stating she lacks boundaries BECAUSE SHE LACKS BOUNDARIES not because I have some twisted view of all exs. In THIS situation, this was my advice. If I sincerely felt OP was being too controlling and she was exercising proper boundaries, my advice would be very different. 

[Daisydooks]

14 minutes ago, Baman said:

My wife would be fine with it am I. In fact she is in regular contact with her previous lover. She had coffee with him last week. She reads me her text messages and shows me his social media posts. I have access to her phone and her to mine. It's a non issue because we choose it to be so.

Your wife has healthy boundaries by the sounds of things. Thats the difference here. If you were to come here, share this and act controlling, my advice for you would be very different and I would tell you you were being controlling. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Baman said:

We are poly and open. We understand rules and boundaries quite well. And yes, boundary breaking and pushing does cause issues. But so does jealousy and unrealistic expectations on another persons rights to have friends, even if they are ex partners.

That seems to work well for you, but it is not OP's situation. 

Being friends with an ex-partner is one thing. Not even making them aware you are in another relationship doesn't sound like much of a friendship, though. Surely if one were friends with an ex, they wouldn't conceal their relationship status. And surely she would reply to these guys, if they were truly friends. 

[kendahke]

10 hours ago, Baman said:

was really only saying maybe he is being TOO jealous TOO controlling, but if the OP only wants an echo chamber of his blame all on her so be it.

We offer advice based upon what is written in a post. Just because you don't agree based on how you choose to manage your relationship (which we aren't discussing) doesn't make it an echo chamber.

The OP isn't in a poly relationship, they don't have an agreement to allow others into each other's intimacy, so therein lies a universe of difference of what I'm saying  about her behavior in contrast to what he has asked of her and what you're doubling down on.

[elaine567]

NO woman is that special that guys and exes just keep contacting her for years to little or no response from her.
She is fooling you and you are tolerating it.
Which is bad enough from a bf point of view, but you are a father.
You need to take back control of your own life for the sake of your child.
Do you really think this woman with her pack of partying orbiters, is step mother material?

[Baman]

Obviously my comments are not appreciated by many so I'll bow out then. Not butt hurt.

My mentions of poly, boundaries, friends with ex etc were only to throw a different light on the same basic situation. The OP is experiencing jealousy and his boundaries being pushed, she probably feels he's being too controlling. All that s*** can be sorted without being open or poly. We all give opinions from our own perspective and experience. It's the OP's job to sort through the comments and take what he can. 

Of course I know the OP isnt poly, I'm not an idiot, nor am I suggesting it's right for him/ them.

While we all have a fight about what I say, I note the OP is silent.

[contel3]

Im not sure if I missed something. She's not friends with these guys, never meets them, gets an occasional text every few months to which she doesn't reply...she's not really doing anything wrong.

Also, I agree with the poster who said she probably likes the drama. If you get too worked up about this you'll just create a bigger incentive for her to continue acting the same way. I don't think she's cheating, but receiving the texts and then discussing them with you probably gets her off. Nothing better than a jealous boyfriend to feed the attention metre.

Edited February 24, 2020 by contel3

[Cali4Dude]

8 hours ago, contel3 said:

Im not sure if I missed something. She's not friends with these guys, never meets them, gets an occasional text every few months to which she doesn't reply...she's not really doing anything wrong.

Also, I agree with the poster who said she probably likes the drama. If you get too worked up about this you'll just create a bigger incentive for her to continue acting the same way. I don't think she's cheating, but receiving the texts and then discussing them with you probably gets her off. Nothing better than a jealous boyfriend to feed the attention metre.

I also agree with this standpoint...she seems to like either the attention or keeping her options open.  My current GF has had nightmarish scenarios with obsessed ex's, including two restraining orders.  The downside to dating a sexy, hot woman is that she will always attract attention both from former boyfriends and horny dudes.   She is a master at shutting down both, but the ex's have been a problem and she establishes good boundaries not for my sake, but for hers.

[JTSW]

On 2/21/2020 at 5:09 PM, davidtx1980 said:

her claim was that he cheated on her while he was out of town and got his current wife knocked up while she was married to him.  Basically he cheated during the marriage and married the person he cheated on her with. 

Maybe he was fed up of the same bullcrap from her just like you are.

Maybe he moved on to someone who was more respectful to his feelings.

On 2/21/2020 at 5:09 PM, davidtx1980 said:

regardless it appears my opinion doesn't matter and she doesn't care if it bothers me.  All I get is I'm overreacting to it and she can't control who messages her and she won't change her number to avoid it. 

She CAN control who messages her.

She just doesn't WANT to control it.

She wants them to message her and has no respect for you feelings about it.

You are perfectly reasonable asking for boundaries.

She just doesn't care enough to oblige. 

[scotchnstout]

On 2/21/2020 at 1:09 PM, davidtx1980 said:

I'm just really conflicted... on one hand, I can't tell her what to do.. she's an adult and she should make her own decisions and whatever consequences come along with them.  For me, it's a bitter pill to swallow that this most recent guy has tried multiple times to get back with her... and she doesn't shoot that stuff down.  

 

C'mon dude,really. Can't stand up for yourself not even a little.

[S2B]

And what’s wrong with you making that decision to end it with her?

YOU are in control of YOUR future.

since she’s proved she isn’t long term worthy - quit wasting your time with her.

take action yourself.

[Springsummer]

On 2/23/2020 at 5:02 PM, elaine567 said:

NO woman is that special that guys and exes just keep contacting her for years to little or no response from her.
She is fooling you and you are tolerating it.

Exactly. At least no one has ever kept bothering me if I don't response or/and indicate interest.

by not letting them know she is taken, she is having her options open.

[Art.at.Heart]

On 2/21/2020 at 8:16 AM, davidtx1980 said:

 

I'm 39 and my gf of 2 years is 34, we both have been divorced once and the reason for our prior marriages failing was that the other person cheated.    Early on during the dating phase I recall a few of her guy "friends" always trying to take her out to house parties or to the bar to hang out.   I didn't object initially as we were very much into the getting to know each other phase and were not exclusive.  Fast forward a year, an ex "I'll call him Brian" reached out and she told me about it but she never replied to him.   I suggested that she may want to let "Brian" know that she's in a relationship and that he may want to focus elsewhere.    She didn't do it and didn't appreciate my suggestion.

In my opinion, this part right here is where you should have evaluated the potential for a relationship with this girl. You saw well before entering a relationship with her that she had these types of people in her life. It sounds like you knew you wouldn't like it if you were in a relationship with her. So why get into a relationship with her before talking about that?

[usa1ah]

On 2/24/2020 at 4:43 AM, Baman said:

Obviously my comments are not appreciated by many so I'll bow out then. Not butt hurt.

My mentions of poly, boundaries, friends with ex etc were only to throw a different light on the same basic situation. The OP is experiencing jealousy and his boundaries being pushed, she probably feels he's being too controlling. All that s*** can be sorted without being open or poly. We all give opinions from our own perspective and experience. It's the OP's job to sort through the comments and take what he can. 

Of course I know the OP isnt poly, I'm not an idiot, nor am I suggesting it's right for him/ them.

While we all have a fight about what I say, I note the OP is silent.

Your comments and point of view are one sided from your relationship. If OP was in a poly/open relationship then it might be helpful. 
 

OP is in what is supposed to be a monogamists relationship. That is why people are having a problem with your post. What OP’s SO is doing would be fine in an open relationship.