nospam99 Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 Among the 'things' going on in my dating adventures at the moment is a somewhat typical contact where I think I've been ghosted and have moved on. I sent the woman an OLD message over a year ago which she ignored. But as she appears on OLD, she's a 'good enough match' that I sent another message a couple of weeks ago. This time she responded somewhat enthusiastically and we exchanged a few messages. My message was the last and I closed it with a question essentially asking ''what's next?'' It's been ten days without a response from her. Previously there had been a two-day break in communication where she did respond immediately when I sent a second consecutive message after the two days. So, simply based on ten days without a response to a leading question, I think I've been ghosted. When I think I've been ghosted I assume the lady is not interested and I 'move on'. This part of tactics in the OLD 'game' is a judgement call. Am I being reasonable on this one? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 She was probably turned off when you asked "What's next" and lost interest. You are old enough that you should know what's next -- ask her to meet. Did you do that? If a guy asks me "what's next" in the OLD world, that would make me think that he wants me to take the lead and plan something, which would be a turnoff. (I would honestly be like Durrrr....this guy seems dense.) I would probably move on to someone else, especially if I didn't hear from him again. That said, it might be salvageable if you reach out and ask her out. It seems like she was interested up until that point. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 I agree with Clia. You took a passive (but it could have come across as over confident) approach by saying “what’s next” and you put it on her to make the next move. If I were online dating, I would find that to be a real turn-off and would probably withdraw from further contact, because it shows a lack of social skills, I’m sorry to say. Why didn’t you just ask her out? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted February 21, 2020 Author Share Posted February 21, 2020 @clia and greymatter. I did not literally ask ''what's next''. Since it's not inappropriately revealing of her side of the conversation, I'll post the end of my last message ... you and I had 'sort of started' to 'talk' about ballroom dancing. Is that still 'in play'? She had indicated a POTENTIAL interest in dancing but had not committed. We had not reached the point of speaking on the phone or planning a face-to-face meeting. Still too 'passive' on my part? Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 Still too passive. I would recommend: thinking how we were talking about ballroom dancing, how about this Saturday at 7 and maybe a drink after? Or just a drink at 7 to meet, in your neck of the woods [place x] looks nice, but never been there so open to other ideas i hope you didn’t use quotes around sort of started and talk, that seems kind of wishy washy, using one quote is a delicate enough choice 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted February 21, 2020 Author Share Posted February 21, 2020 [sigh] Okay ... too passive. So should I take it I was wrong to think I was ghosted? You folks are all making assumptions about how much 'talking about ballroom dancing' had been part of the conversation. My perception is it was no more than a potential common interest that I was trying to use as a 'hook'. @sumguy. Lots of implicit assumptions on your part. To me, your recommendation is too aggressive for a proposed first meeting that the woman hasn't even agreed to yet. So I'm wondering whether other LSers agree with me that it's 'coming on too strong'. I freely use quotes around terms that are jargon or euphemisms in online communication. e.g. An exchange of OLD messages is NOT 'talking'. And a topic last mentioned several messages ago has only 'soft of started'. In terms of me trying to 'recover' (jargon quotes) this 'bite', I have no clue. To me, whatever I'd write to her at this point would be too 'Leisure Suit Larry' (euphemism quotes). Perhaps I've become too jaded and cynical about the OLD communication that occurs leading up to the agreement to meet in person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 (edited) I can appreciate the fact that you enjoy "ballroom dancing". I once dated a woman that enjoyed that, as well; but as a suggestion for a first date or even early on in the relationship -- not so much. And we all know you desire an active woman, but as a first date, you want something easy, low key and low effort. Personally, I think I would have said something like "Do you like Italian food, because I know this great place on 3rd and Main that has the best Fettuccine Alfredo." Taking her out to dinner is a nice first date, you get to sit down and talk, its not too loud and you can get to know each other better. If she didn't like Italian, then the Tex-Mex place of 5th and Central or that great Steak House on 9th Street or whatever. Just my two cents... ETA: Quick Question -- Have you talked on the phone, yet?? or are you still messaging/e-mailing?? Edited February 21, 2020 by Happy Lemming Extra Question 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 I agree with people who say too passive. Ask them out directly. Do something more low key. If you click in person, then move to dance partners. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 1 hour ago, nospam99 said: So, simply based on ten days without a response to a leading question, I think I've been ghosted. When I think I've been ghosted I assume the lady is not interested and I 'move on'. I should have answered your question in my previous post... but YES, in my opinion you have been ghosted. I also would not want to date a woman that didn't respond to my communications in a 24 hour period. Even in the days before cell phones, I ALWAYS acknowledged a communication within 24 hours (business or personal), even if I didn't have an answer. I would call back or leave a message that I didn't have an answer yet, but I'm working on it. If I was dating someone or trying to date someone, I would leave 2 voicemail messages (24 hours apart), if I didn't hear back in the next day or two, I'm assuming we are not dating and I'm moving on. I refuse to be put on the back burner and held on simmer, while a date tries to find a better offer. 10 days?? In a word... NEXT!! 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 I provided a response based on what you posted. I'm not a mind reader and I wasn't there. Anyway, yes, she ghosted you. Whatever the reason -- maybe she decided she didn't want to go ballroom dancing with someone she didn't really know and got freaked out, who knows. I also think the quotes you used come across as kind of weird. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 21 minutes ago, nospam99 said: @sumguy. Lots of implicit assumptions on your part. To me, your recommendation is too aggressive for a proposed first meeting that the woman hasn't even agreed to yet. So I'm wondering whether other LSers agree with me that it's 'coming on too strong'. I freely use quotes around terms that are jargon or euphemisms in online communication. Hey can only go off what you wrote. I think ballroom dancing or even dinner is a lot for a first meet. Hence the alternative of just meeting for a drink. Maybe asking her to dance is swinging for the fences...why not with the alternative. It’s all in how you phrase it. im just giving you my impression of using quotes, to me they are good for occasional emphasis. Too much, in my opinion, comes off as poor communication. But you aren’t trying to date me. You are trying to date someone who sees eye to eye, so do you. You did ask though if it was too passive. I myself rarely propose more than a drink for a first meet, though it usually turns into drinks and food /dinner. All I can say is I had a 100% success rate in women agreeing to meet me for a first date in OLD, and even being as selective as I am could easily have two dates within a week of getting on-line. Basically I never wait more than a few back and forth messages or a few days before I ask to meet some one who seems interesting. certainly don’t ask out everyone I message though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 Correct me if I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like you've facetimed or talked to her on the phone yet. I think most people are going to want to do that before going on a date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 (edited) 26 minutes ago, SumGuy said: All I can say is I had a 100% success rate in women agreeing to meet me for a first date in OLD, and even being as selective as I am could easily have two dates within a week of getting on-line. Wow! That is p impressive —————— My guess is that the amount of text or phone communication needed prior to asking for a date differs generationally. In particular, women who are used to dating before the internet age have always seemed a little more cautious about meeting people from the internet. I could be wrong though. It takes a good read on people to know when it’s time Edited February 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 5 minutes ago, preraph said: Correct me if I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like you've facetimed or talked to her on the phone yet. I think most people are going to want to do that before going on a date. I will say have seen a definite divide on that on LS. I've had few requests for call/face time first. For me it is almost a negative filter, those who requested a call are the ones I least saw eye to eye with. Again though OP should do OP, if a call or face/time is OPs thing go for it. Just giving the other side. I've no problem with a woman not looking like her pictures though and I only ask to meet people I think I can have an interesting conversation with in person. I put little stock in a person's ability to talk over the phone to a stranger in a non-professional context, it's not the same skill set as being able to converse in person with visual and non-verbal cues. What I do though is be cognizant of her position. I choose a place to meet near or in her turf. Easy to get to and an area she knows. I give her my first and last name so she can google me. I'm older so people often have connections to many others in their towns, as I'm almost certain to meet someone I know if go out to a place in my town. Likewise for her, it adds both a safety and convenience factor. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 16 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Wow! That is p impressive —————— My guess is that the amount of text or phone communication needed prior to asking for a date differs generationally. In particular, women who are used to dating before the internet age have always seemed a little more cautious about meeting people from the internet. I could be wrong though. It takes a good read on people to know when it’s time Not really, it's more filtering. I don't ask out women I'm not feeling that potential for conversational connection via messaging. It certainly doesn't mean that 100% progress to a second date. I'm definitively meeting women from per-internet. Almost all 50+. It actually helps as it is common back and forth that we are old school and the best way is to just meet in person. Cut to the chase so to speak. Messaging is really just a simple filter (maybe more for her to make sure my messages are not just crude propositions) and for me to ask a few ice breaker questions/topics for in person conversation. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted February 21, 2020 Author Share Posted February 21, 2020 LOL. No 'facetime' (don't know what it is but I assume it's some kind of video chat), no phone. I didn't even get to the point where I asked her to meet because I (can't BOLD the I but I would if I could) prefer a phone conversation before asking to meet. No biggy to reveal my first contact OLD message (she lists hiking as an interest) ... Hi [redacted]. Where do you hike ([redacted] for me, but there are plenty of good places closer to you, too)? Could you be charmed into adding ballroom dancing to your list of interests? In her response, she reacted favorably to the idea of dancing. She had a planned activity coming up, so our subsequent exchange of messages was about her activity. When that activity was done, I sent my aforementioned last message that ended with my question about her interest in getting back to discussing dancing. Had she continued to exchange messages, I would have attempted to negotiate a 'first meeting'. I know where she lives and I know a great Italian restaurant nearby which is also near a very good dance studio. For first meetings I like 'coffee dates' that can easily (and often do as the conversation runs into several hours) morph into a meal. When she did not respond to my last message, things didn't get that far. It sounds like the few folks who addressed my OP question agree that she ghosted me. But there is also that strong undercurrent that I was being too passive. So if people think there might be a way for me to 'tactically recover', even at this late stage (10 days), I'm interested in hearing ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 I generally don’t chase ghosts. If really intrigued I rarely will follow up with a haven’t heard, know how on line dating goes and invite her to reach out to me if in the future she doesn’t find what she is looking for. That has even worked a couple times down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 I do think the conventional wisdom is starting small. Dancing can be a big commitment, I guess. I think it's a great activity, but maybe just not the first date. Something shorter so there's not as much commitment in case it doesn't go well. Dinner is fine. And SumGuy is hitting all the right notes keeping it convenient for them only because it's more in their comfort zone, though I wouldn't do that every time because they may be burnt out on restaurants nearby them. But for a first meeting, absolutely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted February 21, 2020 Author Share Posted February 21, 2020 She may have misinterpreted my intention, which is a BIG reason why I like to get to the phone for more interaction when first contacting an OLD woman. I was NOT angling for dancing on a first meeting/first date. My intention was to focus on a fun shared activity which could be something to do together if we had met and hit it off. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 41 minutes ago, nospam99 said: Hi [redacted]. Where do you hike ([redacted] for me, but there are plenty of good places closer to you, too)? Could you be charmed into adding ballroom dancing to your list of interests? I think you scared her off by pushing the dance thing too much. When you mentioned it above, I figured it was something in her profile. I would be totally interested in ballroom dancing with my boyfriend, but when it's someone I've never met before, eh. Her favorable response to it might've been meant to mean later on down the road would be great, but when you continued to push it and you've never event met or talked on the phone, she might've freaked. I personally think keep it to coffee or drinks for the first meet. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 Were you asking her to go ballroom dancing on a first meet? That's too much for a first meet. I'd suggest coffee or a drink. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 (edited) Listen, if you make contact with a woman and you feel like you like her, then be definitive about it. Chit chat a bit, keep up the communication and then ask for a meet up. This whole thing of she hasn't responded in 10 days stuff is crap. You didn't reach out either! Suggest a meet up at specific place and time -- period. Give her a day, maybe to respond, and if she doesn't move on. Don't look at her profile and don't entertain any more communication from her if she finally does get back in touch. Set limits for yourself. The first time you meet someone from OLD, it's not a "date". It's a meet up. Something light and inexpensive. You don't spend a lot of money on this one. It's just to see if you like them enough in person to go out on a real date and get more of a sense of "who" they are and that they look like their pictures. Then you decide if you want a real date or not. You don't pick her up either. You meet somewhere convenience for you both. It would also stink if you didn't like her and then had to be stuck in the car with her both ways . . . A smart, safety-minded woman wouldn't get into a car with a stranger, but there are women out there who just don"t get it. Get it offline fairly quickly. You don't want to waste time chatting up online for a while only to be disappointed when you finally do meet. And, it would stink if you spent a lot of money on someone that isn't going to work out for you. Something short and sweet (unless of course, there are fireworks on the first meet up which would be nice, but not likely. Edited February 21, 2020 by Redhead14 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted February 21, 2020 Author Share Posted February 21, 2020 @redhead. ya know - now I'm a bit pissed off. - the context of your remark that ''she hasn't responded in 10 days stuff is crap'' is that it's 'crap' for me to complain about it. To be blunt, I disagree. It's not 'crap', merely a statement of fact. - I certainly did 'reach out' by sending the last message in the conversation and ending it with a question. - I'm not an OLD newbie. I do not, have not, and will not 'Suggest a meet up at specific place and time' via message, only over the phone. All the rest of the 'suggestions' (or roolz) in your response are things that I already know and have practiced for more than two years. My OP was about recognizing ghosting and reacting to it. I would have appreciated your having restricted your response to those questions. I feel better now ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 Okie dokie. You keep doing it your way because it's working so well for you . . . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 Go easy on Redhead please. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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