My boyfriend is still having occasional lingering feeling for a coworker who never liked him back

[Brace girl]

My boyfriend of 1 year is still having occasional lingering feeling for a coworker who never liked him back as more than a friend.  Please let me know any suggestions of how to get out of our rut. 

Background 

My boyfriend (age 25) has anxiety, depression, and panic attacks which he sees a therapist biweekly for and is the reason we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I (age 24) also had depressions and anxiety in the past but never had treatment. Before our relationship he was in a ”dark place” where he liked a coworker and the feelings where never mutual. Instead they remained friends and it was causing him a lot of pain. He is very unhappy with his job and would gladly work some where else but his work pays for his master's and his thesis is connected to his work. When we met he was able to slowly get over his coworker and was at the point of no longer having feelings. He told me about her about like 5 months into the relationship and I understood his pain because I had unrequited love before and worked with someone I dated after a year of braking up and started to have some lingering feelings pop up again. I am in my first year of a 5 year grad program and he knows I don't want to get married until after that. He doesn’t want to get married until he is in his 30s which is 5 years from now. So I am in no hurry to move in but he is the one I see myself living with. We decided to move in this summer which will be 1.5 years together but start trial runs after our vacation in January 2020. For the past 3 months I had a key to his apartment for our convenience and I stay over on the majority of weekends. We went on our first week long vacation last month. He is a little tight on money right now because of his new jeep, new apartment, starting braces again without insurance coverage for dental pain, the expensive holidays, our vacation, and his booked flights for his friend’s batchelor party. I was waiting to tell him I love him on our one year anniversary but I accidentally told him I loved him 2 months early. He said he wants to be absolutely certain when he says the L word back because he said it too early in his last relationship.

 

Situation 

Lately he has been hanging out with his coworkers more in including the coworker he used to like. When he us out with co-workers after work I am usually with them. He has been appearing off since our vacation last month. He has slowly been making plans without me lately. And he has been too tired for sex (but has general fatigue the past 4 months most likely from his depression and sleeping problems from anxiety). Since our vacation, I have a lot of stress with school and so does he at work and with his thesis. Whenever I complain about living with my parents he suggests I get my own place now but we used to talk about moving in together. I started worrying I did something wrong so now he doesn't want me to move in any more or money is making it a bad time to move in this summer. But every time I tried to bring it up this last week he was having a bad day or was about to hang out with family or friends and I didn't want to ruin his plans.

 

Yesterday he texted me at work he needs to talk. He even went home early because what he wanted to talk about was bothering him so much he couldn't work. I told him I knew something was off with him. He said he started having those occasional lingeringfeelings again about his coworker and feels very bad a bout it. He frequently reassures me that he would never cheat (I believe it because he is extremely shy to flirt and she clearly looks like she has no interest in him when I see her). He feels so bad that the guilt has been bothering him for the past month or so and has to tell me. He feels also very bad that he thought he would be ready to say the L word and ready to live together by now. He said he wants me to know because I am very certain about my feelings and he doesn’t want to waste my time because there is no guarantee if he can ever be certain about his feelings to say I love you back and want me to move in. He said if his co worker ever started having feelings for him he would without a doubt chose me. His other concern is that our conversations have been a little more forced lately and I think it could be that we both have depression which makes us not fully engaged in the conversations, we are both stressed, we are very comfortable with each other now, we see each other a lot so we already talked about everything, or I tend to ramble on about any thing and everything especially if there is a lull in the conversation (which my family notices and constantly picks on me about it). He has expressed that quality conversations are his favorite part about being with me.

 

He said I have been a perfect girlfriend and he has been a bad boyfriend because he has lingering feelings for someone that he still has as a friend. We agreed to stay together because we both want to be with each other and decided agent living together for the next few years. I added on that I will not say I love you anymore because it bothers him that he can’t say it back. But I will still say words simular to I love you. This weekend we have plans we made a long time ago with different people so we won’t see each other much. I fear he will over think things alone this weekend and decide to break up with trying to work things out. I also am afraid that this conversation has made it a bit awkward to talk with each other now and will ruin us because our deep conversations are his favorite part of being together. 

 

Please let me know any suggestions of how to get out of our rut. 

[preraph]

His therapist needs to be giving him a reality check, because that coworker couldn't care less about him.  She probably only thinks it's safe to be around him because now he has a girlfriend.  I don't believe for a moment he wouldn't dump you for her though, but it's never going to happen because she is not attracted to him or interested in him.  So his therapist needs to be working on why he's hanging on to someone who doesn't care about him.  

 

Anyway, I wouldn't be comfortable being committed to him when his eyes are always wandering elsewhere.  Maybe it would wake him up a little if you decided to start dating other guys and not just him and got out of the commitment.  He might even get desperate enough to embarrass himself with her again and get rejected again and maybe it would wake him up.  Or not.  But why commit to a guy who has a woman at work he pines after every single day?  That's kind of crazy.

[d0nnivain]

I don't have any suggestions for you because I don't see this lasting. 

He needs to pull on his big boy pants.  Being so upset over an unrequited crush that has been going on for more then a year is ridiculous.  Being so upset about this that you have to go home from work is insane & immature. 

I hate to break this to you but if you have been together for almost a year, vacationed together, have a key to his apartment & have talked about moving in together but he hasn't said I love you & still uses childish phrases like "the L word"  I doubt he will ever be able to say it to you.  He's hung up on the co-worker & you are just a place holder because he doesn't want to be alone.  He says & does enough nice stuff for you to keep you hanging on because being with you is better then nothing but the reality is he's using you. He is lying to you about choosing you if the co-worker ever gave him the time of day. 

This rut will end when you stop accepting the scraps he feeds you & find a real partner who actually cares about you.  Don't be worried about him breaking up with you.  Break up with him. Being free will be the best thing that happened to you because it will untether you from this dysfunctional relationship & open you up to something more fulfilling. 

 

[schlumpy]

It's time to take care of yourself and find someone who wants to build a life with you. If he dumps his "friend" then maybe that's a sign he's serious about you. Until then, keep your options open.

[Brace girl]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

So his therapist needs to be working on why he's hanging on to someone who doesn't care about him.  

That’s the reason he started seeing the therapist in the first place. The therapist doesn’t like her. He hates hurting people and wants to be friends with everyone. I told him staying friends with her is only going to hurt you. He does act like a boy, he is a very emotional guy and tends to ruminate on minor things because of his anxiety. 

Quote

He's hung up on the co-worker & you are just a place holder because he doesn't want to be alone.  He says & does enough nice stuff for you to keep you hanging on because being with you is better then nothing but the reality is he's using you.

He said he is afraid he might be using me to get over her but really doesn’t know. But I am not sure if he is using me to get over her. I think he likes me because I understand him and I help him cope with all his stressors. I am a nurse so know how to help him with his mental health. His issue with her is one of is meany stressors. And if he can’t be with someone because of his mental health then I will never be meant for some with my anxiety and depression. 
 

I am probably going to give him some space but probably won’t give up till after a good attempt to fix it from both of us. 

[Brace girl]

24 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

It's time to take care of yourself and find someone who wants to build a life with you. If he dumps his "friend" then maybe that's a sign he's serious about you. Until then, keep your options open.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. That’s a good idea if I ask him to not be friends with her outside of work. It will really hurt but it will be more like ripping a bandaid off quickly for him. Than the eventual slow tear that is happening right now. 

[S2B]

He doesn’t have any idea what a healthy boundary looks like.

that indicates he will have unhealthy choices for himself until he gets professional help to understand how he is harming himself by the choices he makes/by allowing things.

[Brace girl]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

Maybe it would wake him up a little if you decided to start dating other guys and not just him and got out of the commitment.  He might even get desperate enough to embarrass himself with her again and get rejected again and maybe it would wake him up. 

I would never try to hurt him on purpose. If I was to brake up I don’t have any internet in dating again. 

[Brace girl]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

He is lying to you about choosing you if the co-worker ever gave him the time of day. 

I don’t think he is lying. He has told me this before in the past. If he was lying he would have told me because when he does lie he feels extremely guilty and eventually tells me the truth. This whole talk yesterday is because he feels guilty and has to tell me the whole truth. He honestly believes he would chose me. It might not be the real truth but it’s what he thinks is true. 

[preraph]

It sounds to me like you are more of a motherly role to him than romantic. 

 

And I'm afraid that one of these days you're going to regret choosing to be this altruistic because you're basically choosing to be the one who gets hurt. he doesn't want to hurt her and you don't want to hurt him. Truth is he has more power to hurt you than you have to hurt him or he has to hurt her. 

Edited February 21, 2020 by preraph

[S2B]

IF he would choose you - and stay with you... and he’s still thinking of her... you only get a fraction of him. Mainly because his mind and thoughts are consumed with her.

so he’s being honest with you... but that’s not good enough because he’s still consumed with her.

let him miss YOU! End it so he can get a realistic idea of who he SHOULD be thinking about!

[d0nnivain]

If it's any consolation he thinks he is being truthful.  But if push comes to shove, if this co-worker shows any interest in him, he will not be able to resist.  

[lana-banana]

He realizes he's already made a mess out of things, and he knows if you move in together it's only going to get worse. Even if nothing ever happens with this coworker, the point is he is having stronger feelings for other women. You cannot stay with someone who doesn't feel like they can put you first.

Listen. This is him desperately trying to extricate himself without hurting you any more. He is practically begging for you to break it off. Do the right thing: let him go, wish him well, and start rebuilding your life.

[preraph]

But she's not going to. she's so probably only being as social with them as she is now because she thinks it's safe since he has a girlfriend. I'm quite sure she knows what's going on.

[spiderowl]

Oh dear, I really feel for you! You obviously adore this guy and are prepared to wait for him. Unfortunately, I feel that is just going to leave you both in limbo for even longer.

If this guy cannot decide you are the one  for him now, what makes you think he will a year or several years down the road? You deserve someone who loves you and who knows he wants to build a future with you. I know you don’t want to give up on this but this guy will dither forever while you wait around for him. He will have less respect for you and will not experience missing you.

Are you comfortable with waiting for an undetermined time for him to commit? What if you wait and he becomes less interested? There is a whole road of pain ahead of you if you hang onto this guy without teaching him that you are prepared to move on if he is not ready for commitment. 

Please consider your own needs and feelings not just his. 

Edited February 21, 2020 by spiderowl

[MsJayne]

I'm sorry to hear you've both been experiencing anxiety and depression, even sorrier to hear you've built a relationship which sounds like it's based in mutual sadness. My suggestion on how to get out of your rut is....stop waiting for this guy's eyes to open because they're not going to,  and ditch him as quickly as possible.  You've been used to fill a void in his life and he's withdrawing a little now because he no longer needs you as his support system.  He possibly doesn't even realise that he's using you because he sees you as a good friend, but by telling you about his feelings for Miss Unattainable he's already delivered the news to you that he's never going to make you his one and only,  you're just refusing to accept it.  He's put off moving in together because she's in his orbit again and he's living in hope, (fantasy is probably a more accurate word). The only two questions you should be asking are;  1. Why am I content to be with a guy who actually thinks it's OK to bleat about his unrequited feelings for another woman?, and 2. How much of my depression is being caused by the emotional abuse?    Because emotional abuse is what he's been doing to you.  Just because it's quietly and subtly applied, presented as "just being honest", doesn't make it any less damaging.  

What he's doing at the moment, making plans without you, doesn't want sex, etc......he's pining after a woman who barely remembers his name, possibly even tells her girlfriends that he gives her the creeps.  The best thing you can do is be the one to end it so you take back some power and keep your dignity.  

[Brace girl]

14 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

The only two questions you should be asking are;  1. Why am I content to be with a guy who actually thinks it's OK to bleat about his unrequited feelings for another woman?, and 2. How much of my depression is being caused by the emotional abuse?    Because emotional abuse is what he's been doing to you.  Just because it's quietly and subtly applied, presented as "just being honest", doesn't make it any less damaging.  

Our relationship started from friendship and attraction. Then we slowly opened up about our past mental health and we ended up having deep conversations that made us very close. We work together to adhere to healthy coping strategies. I don’t tell him what to change he tells me what he wants to do differently and I keep him on track. If he has a panic attack I know how to calm him down. The mental health part is a fraction of what we do, we mainly have fun together. 
In regards to your question:
1. He doesn’t think it’s ok to have Occasional lingering feelings for someone else. He originality told me about her because he was afraid I hear an inaccurate  story about about her from a coworker. I can tolerate it because I know how awful  it is to work with someone you used to have feelings for. I am not worried about him cheating because I have seen her have no interest in him romantically also she only likes guys from her culture. 
2. I am not certainly not being emotionally abused. And I am not depressed any more. I was depressed during my undergrad and when I was working nights. But certainly not now. I am motivated and hopeful. I like my job and classes even though they are stressful. I can easily say I have not been depressed in over 2 years. I have only been sad about us this past week. That’s not depression.

 

Quote

he's pining after a woman who barely remembers his name, possibly even tells her girlfriends that he gives her the creeps.

She knows his name they are not acquaintances, they are friends. He wants to hang with his coworkers but some one else invites her. I am pretty sure she and her friends thinks of him as a little brother.  

[MsJayne]

I understand you don't want to see what's happening, but he's fallen into a relationship with you for the wrong reasons and stays in it because, as you say, you have fun together most of the time.  He says he would choose you even if the girl of his dreams showed interest,  but he wouldn't - because men aren't calibrated like that.  As someone else said in the comments above, what you describe is a guy trying to extricate himself gently from a situation he doesn't want to be in any longer. He cares about your feelings, probably loves you like a sister, and doesn't want to hurt you so is trying to push you to be the one who ends the relationship. Maybe you should just straight up ask him if he'd like some time out, time to think about where it's going. I always think that if you have to ask someone for commitment the relationship is unbalanced and doomed from the start. You're worth more than wasting your time on a guy who's "occasionally" mooning around over someone else. 

[kendahke]

12 hours ago, Brace girl said:

Please let me know any suggestions of how to get out of our rut. 

he has to want to get out of the rut and that is his heavy lift, not yours. He'll only view you trying to help as interference and will purposely stay stuck until 1. you stop and 2. he wants to get over being rejected.

Why are you settling for 2nd place?

One thing that I've been using for my anxiety and depression has been listening to binaural beats/solfeggio tones on YouTube while I sleep. They've helped me more than the therapist I've been seeing recently with getting over anxiety.

Edited February 22, 2020 by kendahke

[smackie9]

He's not ready to be completely committed to you or anyone, or has the maturity level to handle his feelings/emotions. Reality check: You have anxiety and depression...so why date someone who is the source of your discomfort. Get rid of him. That's your answer. You can't change anything about him...how he feels for this girl, or what he does about it. Nothing. BUT you can change the way you handle things for yourself. Have the courage and the knowledge that this guy isn't BF material, and girl you can do way better than him.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/21/2020 at 5:56 PM, d0nnivain said:

He needs to pull on his big boy pants.  Being so upset over an unrequited crush that has been going on for more then a year is ridiculous.  Being so upset about this that you have to go home from work is insane & immature. 

I completely agree. 

And I would take it further, too, speculating that the other reason his anxiety is so ramped up right now is because he knows he's going to hurt you, OP. He knows he doesn't feel the same way about you and doesn't really want this relationship to continue, but he hasn't yet worked up the courage to end it with you. You yourself said he hates hurting people. What he's doing here is tap-dancing around a break-up possibly even hoping you'll do his dirty work for him and end it yourself. The guilt over the pain this will bring you is consuming him, is my bet. 

I'm sorry, girl. I know you're looking for hope and trying to rationalize what's happening here, but this is probably the beginning of the end for you two. Regardless of whether this co-worker gives him the time of day, he's not invested in you and he's realizing that now. 

Edited February 22, 2020 by ExpatInItaly