Never ending depression

[JiltedJane]

For the past three and a half years I feel as though I cannot get better. I have felt like I am stuck in a fog or a bad dream. I feel completely empty. When I do feel emotion it comes in the form of anger, sadness, or panic. For the past year and a half, I have been told by at least a dozen people that I’m cold and emotionless. That even when I’m being funny and social, there’s still a little black rain cloud following me. I am not suicidal, but I keep hoping that I’ll die in my sleep.

For the past several weeks I have not been able to sleep well. When I do sleep, I wake up right at 3am on the dot and have crazy, twisted dreams. This past week I woke up repeatedly almost convulsing and twice it was because I was trying to rip my hair out in my sleep.

I want to be alone and yet around people at the same time. Everything I used to love is a giant stressor to me. My body feels like it weighs a ton and that I am dragging myself through life. There is nothing to look forward to, only an empty, lonely life. I feel like I no longer have any love to give. Whatever little pieces were left of my heart have been scraped up and destroyed.

I constantly feel the urge to cry-but nothing comes out. It’s like I’m stuck in a nightmare.

I've done practical things to cope: I've gone to therapy, tried anti-depressants to stop the crying and numb the pain, threw myself into my career, tried meditation.

 

I've done things in the other extreme... I've gone to psychics, cleansed my home with sage and Santo Palo, "realigned" my chakras, visited a shaman in Nepal, etc

I know my depression is probably linked to these situations below:

Grad school- completely isolating

Friends: I have friends, but no one to talk to. Even if I did have a shoulder to cry on, I would not want to bother them. The few times I did try to talk to someone I was told “stop feeling sorry for yourself.” All but two of my friends are coupled up. The one does not want to go out or do anything ever, and the other is constantly trying to make each hangout her own therapy session. If we go out in public, she NEEDS to have every man’s attention and will go to great lengths to get it.

Parents:  My parents do not believe in mental illness. I’ve reached out to them multiple times and I either get yelled at or ignored. My mother is the textbook definition of a narcissist and my father is emotionally closed off and detached. I suffered an eating disorder for more than a decade and was hospitalized for it. My mother insists I did it just to hurt her and my dad thinks I did it because I’m desperate for attention and he should’ve “beaten my ass” when I was a kid. (for the record- I was not physically abused as a child). My entire life I was encouraged to be a doormat because I wouldn’t want people to think I am a bitch. “Everyone loves a nice girl.” Instead of emotional support my mom will started screaming like a banshee or buy me useless crap that I don’t want or need. They “borrowed” my life savings to buy a beach house. Have no intention of paying it back and are in fact looking for a second beach house. They are also trying to pressure me into buying my own house with a terrible mortgage plan because they are embarrassed I still rent.

Love: I’ve gone through so much heartache in the last 8.5 years. I had to leave my 5 year relationship when I found out my bf did not want to marry me ever because we were not the same nationality. He got engaged a year after our breakup to a woman he knew for 6 months. In the meantime, I started a relationship with a psychotic alcoholic who abused me in every way possible. While my 5 yr ex was off taken engagement photos in Paris, I was being assaulted on a daily basis. I kept deluding myself into thinking that life would only get better and my true love was around the corner….

Since that breakup 6 years ago, I have dated and met nothing but jerks. Almost every guy I meet only wants to sleep with me. In between each relationship, the dating pool gets worse and worse.  I was with one person for 9 months who I genuinely thought was “the one” but I was blindsided by his breakup. Everyone was. For the last three years he haunts my dreams (when I do sleep). The next guy was a friend I knew for 6 years, 2 where we dated, who stole almost $4k and then ghosted me after we made plans to marry. Found out after taking him to court that he’s a repeat felon.

The only thing that has lasted more than a few months was a drug addict and a waiter looking for a sugar mama. And a third strange guy who 1. Did not want to have sex at all and 2. Was constantly criticizing, telling me what a terrible person I was, and making rules for me. He thought I was a terrible person- but proposed to me via text and threatened to hurt himself if I left him. *shrug*

Again, in between, its only been aggressively sexual men who are completely dishonest about what they want. It doesn’t matter if they’re in their 20s, 30s, or 40s. This week alone I’ve been rejected by one guy for not putting out on the third date and ghosted by another without reason.

At this point, I am almost terrified to meet anyone. No one tells the truth. The thought of getting attached and going through the process of meeting family, friends, etc makes me sick. I don’t even want anyone to touch me. I almost don’t care if I’m ever physically intimate with anyone ever again.

I just want to be happy but I feel like it’s completely out of reach. I don’t even know what kind of advice or feedback I’m looking for. I just need someone to listen.

I’m just so tired of feeling this way. I’m afraid of what is going to happen to me. I know there are others out there with much worse lives than me, but it just sucks going through life feeling completely heartbroken. Everytime I think I've hit rock bottom, I just keep falling deeper and deeper.

 

[d0nnivain]

I began to control my depression & come out of it through a combination of the following: 

1.  returning to my religion.  Going back to Church & praying gave me more then all the therapy, meds & meditation combined

2.  Keeping busy -- just moving & accomplishing things, even small things helped me feel a sense of success which begets more success.  One technique my therapist recommended was keeping a log of my activities.  Even though I'm on LS now -- not working -- I will still manage to get several hours of productive time on my log.  Seeing the numbers helped me value myself more because I saw the accomplishments even when mixed with fun things.  Do not discount the importance of fun & relaxation to your mental health 

3.  exercise -- even just taking a walk but if you can manage to sweat you will get those endorphin's going 

4.  Keeping a gratitude journal -- every morning write 3 things you are grateful for & 3 mire at night before bed.  They can be big or small, profound or trivial.   Then read your journal once per week.  It's hard to remain down when you see the good things in your life.  For example my 3 things this morning are 1).  finding a clean pair of pressed dress pants in my closet so I didn't have iron  2).  that my client accepted a deal that I had been waiting to close & 3).  that I was able to give my friend 2 good job leads.  

 

Best wishes.  I hope you find something that works for you. Good luck in grad school. To make that less isolating can you join a campus club or study group?  

[JiltedJane]

It’s an online program 

[d0nnivain]

Will the on line program accept credits from other schools?  Maybe you can take one class in a brick & mortar setting just to not be so isolated.  

[JiltedJane]

I’ll actually be done by next week, LOL

[d0nnivain]

Congratulations!  Maybe the isolation will subside once you have more time

[Ellener]

@JiltedJane sounds to me like you have done very well given your half-assed parents taking your money...and much of your confidence.

On 2/21/2020 at 10:56 AM, JiltedJane said:

I just want to be happy but I feel like it’s completely out of reach. I don’t even know what kind of advice or feedback I’m looking for. I just need someone to listen.

Write away, like Frasier Crane 'I'm listening'!

Here's a huge virtual hug ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[mortensorchid]

You are not alone, please understand that.  While I am not in grad school, I lead a very isolated life as well.  I am a teacher, which is the loneliest job on earth (you are constantly around people but you are not one of them as a sub - either staff or students and don't try to be one of them) and I am about to start teaching online where I will work from home and be really isolated.  I have friends, like you, but we don't see each other much unless I reach out to them.  And I'm sure you have experienced this as well - when you leave jobs, organizations, or graduate / leave schools, you never hear a word from anyone again.  Why?  I guess because life is very fast paced now, and they figure you have nothing in common anymore so that's that.  It's disappointing, but it's what it is.  How are we communicating with others anymore be it business or personal?  Through electronics.  It's depressing as all hell.

I see a shrink (have been seeing one for 20 years) and I have gotten a lot of this off my chest with her.  She said the loneliness is out of control, the suicide rates are higher than ever, and all we ever do is stare at screens all day.  Yup, we do.  And don't pretend you aren't.  And I also know that the answers you are getting from your parents will be different than the answers from your friends.  My Dad used to scream at me years ago to go to my high school or my college for friends.  He seemed to think that if I went to alumni events, there would be a huge pool of very sad, very lonely alumni who were so eager and desperate to reconnect with one another than they would all be there and be ready for friendship.  True?  He pushed me to one of them where there were 6 couples all in their 60s and I was in my early 20s.  Same with the internet, OLDing and internet events when it came along.  Not only do people not come, they don't even bother to respond to you and they sit here and whine about how they are so sad and so lonely.  And they don't even bother to leave the house.  

Exercise, take meds, and when the weather is nicer get outside rather than stay in.  Volunteer and become part of your community more, it will make you feel better. 

[E-mc2]

I just want to encourage you that there is hope.  There was a period in my life about 10 years ago that I was depressed.  I beat it and it never came back.   It's hard for people to understand it who have never experienced it themselves.  I know what you're going through is real.

I won't give advice on what to do because everyone is different.  That's important to know because you need to keep an open mind to find what works best for you.  Without an open mind you may never find it.

 

[vla1120]

Don't give up! Here are my thoughts after reading your post:

Number one - don't even worry about having a man in your life right now. You have some things to work on for yourself (like loving yourself and being comfortable in your own skin) that could keep you from recognizing a good, healthy relationship right now. 

Number two - You need some new friends and try not to go out very often with the one who demands all the attention! Since you are about to finish your online program, hopefully, you'll have an opportunity to start meeting other people in your field of work/interest?

Number three - Don't give up on therapy and meds. I have quite a few ongoing stressful situations in my life. I had a weekly therapist who was very helpful to me, but then she moved away. I didn't realize how much I relied on her to keep my sanity in check until I didn't have her for a few months. I'm still trying to find someone to take her place. I need a very specific type of therapist (basically, someone who calls me on my crap and doesn't let me use excuses for not taking care of myself, etc.) Maybe you just haven't found someone who is helpful. Keep trying. 

Number four - I'm sorry about your parents. We cannot pick our parents, but we CAN be successful in our lives DESPITE what our parents have done/said to us. 

Number five - I'm going to repeat that you do NOT need a man in your life right now. What you DO need is to learn how to be your own best friend. 

Number six - as someone else suggested, start keeping a journal. I cannot stress how much it helps me to look back at what I wrote in the past. Sometimes it is to be able to say "Look how far I've come!" and sometimes it's to say "Uh oh. I'm slipping again." - reminding myself how to use my coping mechanisms to get through the tough times.

At the very least, go out on the internet and start researching "coping mechanisms." There is a wealth of information out there. Some might work for you, some might not.

Take care of yourself. This is just a temporary situation. It WILL get better. You ARE worthy of happiness, and it works so much better if we can first find it in ourselves!❤️

[E-mc2]

Peace and happiness come from within.  Some find it and some don't.  There are religious people that are happy and some that aren't.  There are people in good relationships that are happy and some aren't.  There are people who have wealth and are happy and some aren't.  There are people in prison who are happy and some aren't.  Your mind is not your friend.    

 

Edited February 27, 2020 by E-mc2

[Pleasant-Sage]

@Ellener is right. Plenty of people here willing to listen and support you.

Your story is truly heartbreaking and I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself either. I know my life will be better in time. Wish I had a time machine to zoom ahead 5 or 6 months or perhaps 2 years. 🙃

Sounds like you make good money so that's a plus. I know money isn't everything but it's one less thing to stress about.

Do you at least enjoy your job?

Anything else about your life that you enjoy? Pets? Hobbies?

Also sounds like you've visited some interesting places.