feel as though I will never meet the right person for me, difficulty with relationships

[cgal91]

I am 27 years old and have struggled with dating and relationships since I was 18. I deal with anxiety disorders and depression. My biggest anxiety is social anxiety, and it affects me day to day. I don’t say the following to come across in a narcissistic way, but I am an attractive girl. Many people would have no idea that I deal with anxiety or have so much trouble with dating. I have seen therapists on and off since I was 18. I haven’t been able to see someone in the last two years since I was a broke graduate student! However, I am in the process of seeing a therapist that specializes in CBT therapy and possibly exposure therapy. Other traumatic events have taken place in my life and unfortunately, I feel like all of this has made me doomed in succeeding in relationships.

I have never had a serious/long term relationship, only small “relationships” (2-3months) and flings. I seem to be attracted to unavailable guys. I have dated guys who have been flaky or didn’t truly respect me. There were times I was okay with hookups or casual due to being lonely. Many times, I wanted a relationship, but I chose someone who was not interested in that. On my end, I can be overly sensitive and always questioning myself and how the guy feels about me. I also have difficulty with eating in front of others, fear of intimacy and can be shy. Not all fun things to bring to a date or relationship.

I guess my reason for writing all of this is that there is a large part of me that believes I will never meet someone right for me. I just feel broken and scarred from who I am and my experiences. Like everyone else in this world, I want to find love in this lifetime.  

[preraph]

Working on your anxiety in an active way such as behavior therapy is probably your best bet.  Some meds might help too, but best to just overcome it through that therapy.  

 

I think most of us had broken man pickers in our 20s, honestly.  I'm 67 and even though I can see the logic in certain things, it doesn't really change who I was attracted to.  But just as a starting point (and ask your therapist if this is a good idea), you might 1) kind of write down the basics of your brief relationships, why you chose them, what you overlooked or turned a blind eye to, whether you got invested before finding out if they were a good person, and what made it end.  Then compare all of them and look for patterns.  

Then also, once you've done that, you might want to make a list of what should be anyone's standards generally speaking to keep someone in their life, basics like, they're not sponging off you, they have goals and work toward them, they aren't verbally or physically mean to you or have some abrasive personality, just basics that are common sense.  

 

Then you can go beyond that to list the things you yourself might require, like respect, someone who is organized and on time, somene who likes kids or pets, whatever.  

 

The point being, you need to start having standards and boundaries.  Dates are simply to get to know what someone is like to decide if you want to keep seeing them or not.  They're not a deal where you ought to just throw yourselves together regardless of the fit.  So you need to go into it with standards and boundaries and once someone isn't making the cut -- cut them out and move on.  

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

12 minutes ago, cgal91 said:

I am 27 years old and have struggled with dating and relationships since I was 18. I deal with anxiety disorders and depression. My biggest anxiety is social anxiety, and it affects me day to day. I don’t say the following to come across in a narcissistic way, but I am an attractive girl. Many people would have no idea that I deal with anxiety or have so much trouble with dating. I have seen therapists on and off since I was 18. I haven’t been able to see someone in the last two years since I was a broke graduate student! However, I am in the process of seeing a therapist that specializes in CBT therapy and possibly exposure therapy. Other traumatic events have taken place in my life and unfortunately, I feel like all of this has made me doomed in succeeding in relationships.

I have never had a serious/long term relationship, only small “relationships” (2-3months) and flings. I seem to be attracted to unavailable guys. I have dated guys who have been flaky or didn’t truly respect me. There were times I was okay with hookups or casual due to being lonely. Many times, I wanted a relationship, but I chose someone who was not interested in that. On my end, I can be overly sensitive and always questioning myself and how the guy feels about me. I also have difficulty with eating in front of others, fear of intimacy and can be shy. Not all fun things to bring to a date or relationship.

I guess my reason for writing all of this is that there is a large part of me that believes I will never meet someone right for me. I just feel broken and scarred from who I am and my experiences. Like everyone else in this world, I want to find love in this lifetime.  

 

 

Well, the missing puzzle pieces make this thread quite risky to even reply to.

 

The missing pieces to which you allude are critical in selecting your best course of action.  (re:  "other traumatic events" )

 

IF, say, you were merely an attractive woman  with little more complex than social anxiety...    then I'd want to coax you  with the reality that there are a lot of great people  who didn't rush themselves... who were still stymied by their social anxieties toward and through age 30, and who just let life wander by, and never ever did gain a long-term lover.

Now that isn't the end of the world... but IF you were merely someone who is just dealing with that, the answer might lie somewhere near to putting yourself in settings where SOME (but not overt  social interaction happens in a light-natured scenario  this early...  so that IT becomes "routine" for you...

That at least affords the chance that something romantic could arise from a setting like that...  because you are 'comfortable' and 'long-term familiar  with that environment (and many of the people IN it).

***  it would NOT be too early to just... get your toes wet in such an environment.  (find it, near you)

 

The greater concern is that the "traumatic events" are such that they dictate the vast amount of the fears you report...  and it is entirely likely that they should !! 

Still again, though, is the motivation for you to take charge of those setbacks...  dedicate yourself to therapy now...   so that you can go at your own pace and find your way past the traumatic events... with plenty of TIME to (take future social arenas slowly but surely) and perhaps avail yourself of a mate down the road.

 

The sooner you inspire yourself to keep taking the initial small steps, the more you'll be able to go at a pace comfortable to you down the path.      (OR you could put it all off until you're 42... and only then face snowballed fears, and less chance of finding the social successes that you want)

 

take small steps now, and envision for yourself a PATH which is attainable at your pace because you dedicated yourself early enough.

 

 

 

 

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with Preraph. The first step would be to get your anxiety and depression under control. Stick with the CBT. 

[Ellener]

Managing mental illness can seem like it takes over everything at times, all I can say is for me a holistic healthy life really helps. 

What do you do as a job?

Edited February 22, 2020 by Ellener
wording

[cgal91]

Thank you for the replies! 

I agree that therapy is my big first step. It was difficult as I was in graduate school trying to balance everything and unable to afford much. I also didn't realize the specific type of therapy I needed such as CBT and exposure. I am hopeful they will help.

As for the traumatic events, I lost a parent when I was younger and the other parent was an addict who was not fully present for most of my life. I never realized how much those events impacted me until I was older. I really struggle in relationships both romantically, and as well as professionally. It's a mix of my social anxiety and then my relationship patterns. 

I guess a big fear of mine is that people are constantly judging me. Even when I try to date, guys question why I am single or no recent boyfriend. Everyone is always questioning me and it places an immense amount of pressure. I already know I have these internal struggles, but I worry I will always be single when people realize that mentally/emotionally I am not in the best shape. 

Some of my biggest problems are assertiveness, communication, becoming emotionally attached, being very sensitive, constantly feeling judged. Obviously, these are all things to work out with a therapist. Idk i'm just upset at myself and ashamed that at 27 I still haven't figured it all out. That I am still in the same boat as 7+ years ago. I want more than anything to find a good person. I have never been someone to set a timeline for marriage, kids, etc. However, it makes me sick to my stomach that I may never even have that option if I never find a solution to my struggles. 

I want to figure out how to live a better and fulfilling life, and not fear relationships or love. I hope to meet someone who accepts me for everything I've gone through in life, but it feels impossible. 

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry your parent died young & that your other one turned to substances to cope.  That said, try spinning it around.  These aren't handicaps so much as obstacles you overcame.  Stop going woe is me & start realizing that you Survived!  You rose above.  You are in grad school.   Yeah, OK you had it rough, rougher then most but you are still here.  You need to start celebrating that & using the adversity to see yourself as stronger. 

As for people judging you, when they ask things like why are you still single.  They are not judging, you at least not in a mean way.  They ask because they are curious or they want to help. If it's your date that is asking, that person is single too.  In that context the Q is designed more to confirm that you are single rather then using them to cheat.   I didn't meet my husband until I was 39.  Don't sweat being 27.  Plus part of the answer is that you were focused on other things like school.   I used to give pithy answers like I'm single because I haven't found a man I want to spend 20 minutes with let alone 20 years.   I would also turn it around & ask the person who was doing the asking if they knew anybody.  That usually shut 'em up. 

Similarly don't be afraid to eat in front of people.  Most men like a woman with an appetite.  If you relish food with gusto they assume you will enjoy all pleasurable things in life with equal intensity  & that is really sexy.  I mean don't chew with your mouth open or anything & order foods that are neat to eat -- avoid drippy sauces & things best eaten with your hands, but the reality is most people are too self absorbed to even notice let alone care.  They will have some sense that you are eating.  It will be more awkward if you are not.  They may think gee I wish I ordered that but otherwise they don't care at all.  Just let it go & eat.   Seriously.  Try eating in front of somebody.  Pick something simple.  I promise nothing bad will happen. 

CBT is good but you could benefit from the basic concept The Power of Positive Thinking.  Get your therapist to recommend books & resources in that vein.  

Edited February 22, 2020 by d0nnivain

[FMW]

I had a wonderful and fortunate life growing up, but I've generally not been great at picking men and have often been drawn to unavailable guys.  So at least that part of your problem isn't necessarily due to your misfortune as a child.  d0nnivain is right, you should look at those struggles as proof that you are strong and a survivor.  

You aren't broken, and hey, most of us are a little scarred by SOMETHING along the way.  We all have unique struggles, often we just don't know about what others are dealing with.  The multitude of threads here on LS document that.  

As has been suggested, work on the social anxiety first and don't be in any big rush to "meet the right person".  Most of the time life has it's own timetable and doesn't follow ours!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 2/21/2020 at 7:21 PM, cgal91 said:

 

As for the traumatic events, I lost a parent when I was younger and the other parent was an addict who was not fully present for most of my life. I never realized how much those events impacted me until I was older. I really struggle in relationships both romantically, and as well as professionally. It's a mix of my social anxiety and then my relationship patterns. 

I guess a big fear of mine is that people are constantly judging me. Even when I try to date, guys question why I am single or no recent boyfriend. Everyone is always questioning me and it places an immense amount of pressure. I already know I have these internal struggles, but I worry I will always be single when people realize that mentally/emotionally I am not in the best shape. 

 

 

Thanks for the additional detail/clarity.

 

I'm now wondering IF you happened to take-on the "caretaker"  role for that other parent for any significant period of time?

Someone who didn't inherit the gene for addiction, who had a parent who is an addict, SO often plays the role of "caretaker" during early life only to replicate that in the choices they make in a mate later on.

 

SO IF you can see any of that in yourself, it is perhaps generally ideal to avoid a mate who needs a 'caretaker' - ALTHOUGH it is quite fulfilling  for many with the right mindset (sometimes NOT in a good way).

Was that 'other parent' around enough  so that their addiction was  prominent  during some points of your upbringing?

Could there be enough, uh, substance  to (the effect of that addiction ON any of your upbringing) to inspire you to look into adultchildren.org   to possibly learn some important things about yourself???

 

What IF you could bring yourself to a meeting of theirs... and just sit and listen (until/unless you are possessed to speak at some point) ??

Wouldn't it be interesting to learn whether some of the people in attendance share SOME of your traits and struggles ???

 

Maybe in the interest of learning about yourself...   you might look into that, IF there was much time spent with that addicted parent.

 

At any rate, you will do best if able to program yourself  from well in advance, to make the social efforts  which will benefit you a great deal in time.