LoKey Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 I'm asking for a friend. I think it's a brick wall. But she has this 'thing' for a guy who is a drunkard. He's not always drunk but you'd have to be blind not to realize he likes the booze a bit too much. She's a pretty strong woman, has grown through a lot, and if he were to get abusive or something I see her dumping him fast. But is getting involved with a drunk "worth" the it if you would. Can they actually change (yes I understand they gotta want to change) or is the attempts to get them to change more draining than successful. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) No one can get them to stop. It has to be them wanting to stop and they usually don't want to. A friend of mine wouldn't go to AA until his wife divorced him and he had a toddler at the time. And then he resumed drinking and ended up on the street in his old age, so a friend is trying to help him to be in a halfway house, but I mean, you can't make them change. There are people who drink socially but are not addicted to alcohol. I was one of those when young. I drank a lot, but I was always able to stop for months at a time to go on a diet or whatever. Once I wasn't out partying, I had no desire to drink anymore. So there are drinkers who are not addicts. My red flag was if a person would get up in the morning and drink and just not ever go days at a time, but there is such a thing as weekend alchoholics too who get in a lot of trouble and won't stop. There are functioning alcoholics all over. I think one of my exes is one. He can't go to a concert without first tanking up at the bar. He works hard, but known him for decades and never seen him not drink. Also, consider the age of the person. Young people party and drink and then when they get to working full-time and get into their career, they may slow down. But if a person is still drinking hard after 40, they're probably pretty dedicated to it. But just as she can't make him stop drinking if he doesn't want to, YOU can't make decisions for your friend. People usually have to make their own mistakes and learn from them. What is your interest in this? Is this someone you want to be with but who isn't interested in you this way? Edited February 22, 2020 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 9 minutes ago, LoKey said: he likes the booze a bit too much. Well, like most things, that can be subjective. Can he hold down a job, does he have good family and friend relationships? Is he irresponsible, get into fights, drive drunk? Only your friend can decide if she's ok with being involved with him and dealing with whatever his drinking "too much" entails. As for the question of changing him? That's the easy question - NEVER get involved with someone thinking you can change anything at all about them. Either take them as they are right now, or move along. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Addicts change for themselves, usually. At least long term change. OP, what's friend's relationship history? Is this a pattern? Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 A while back, I was dating this woman. She was fun, but she drank a little too much for my liking. Her drinking just became a little too much to deal with. The final straw was when she was over my house and I ran out of Tequila, she was already pretty drunk but wanted more. It was late at night, and I didn't want to make a run to the store for more, but she kept bugging me. She, then started to become angry, so to keep things from escalating; I went out and got her more Tequila. At that point, I knew I had to get her out of my life... so I broke up with her the next day (after she went home). Initially, I wondered about my decision to break up with her, but I found someone much better that I am more compatible with. Dealing with a problematic drinker is a "tough row to hoe", tell your friend to think twice before getting involved with this individual. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoKey Posted February 22, 2020 Author Share Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) 42 minutes ago, FMW said: Well, like most things, that can be subjective. Can he hold down a job, does he have good family and friend relationships? Is he irresponsible, get into fights, drive drunk? Only your friend can decide if she's ok with being involved with him and dealing with whatever his drinking "too much" entails. He's a habitual drunk. Can he hold down a job? Yes. But he's the sort that'll end a day with a few beers. I'm not against that, I've had days where I just need a beer myself. But he'll sit in his apartment, on a weekend, & drink for no other reason than he can. Family / friends, 50/50 rapport. 41 minutes ago, carhill said: Addicts change for themselves, usually. At least long term change. OP, what's friend's relationship history? Is this a pattern? No, not a pattern. She likes what she sees. I'll give him he seems decent enough but the drinking... err... Edited February 22, 2020 by LoKey Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoKey Posted February 22, 2020 Author Share Posted February 22, 2020 9 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: A while back, I was dating this woman. She was fun, but she drank a little too much for my liking. Her drinking just became a little too much to deal with. The final straw was when she was over my house and I ran out of Tequila, she was already pretty drunk but wanted more. It was late at night, and I didn't want to make a run to the store for more, but she kept bugging me. She, then started to become angry, so to keep things from escalating; I went out and got her more Tequila. At that point, I knew I had to get her out of my life... so I broke up with her the next day (after she went home). Initially, I wondered about my decision to break up with her, but I found someone much better that I am more compatible with. Dealing with a problematic drinker is a "tough row to hoe", tell your friend to think twice before getting involved with this individual. That's what I'm worried about in particular. Habitual drunks are, in many ways, just like any old addict. When they can't get their "fix" the attitude changes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Alcoholism is an addiction, a vice, and many people consider it a dealbreaker. A person who is a good catch does not have major problems. Alcoholism is usually a major problem. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 Define drunkard. Does he drink every day? Does he go weekends without sometimes? If he really is a drunkard she should RUN. No - never worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 It would not be worth it for you, OP. It might be worth it for her. She appreciates qualities in him that you can't see past. It would also depend on how serious the addiction is. A true alcoholic is a problem; I'm not sure what a drunkard is. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 They've got to want to change, and as preraph put it, most of them don't. It's addictive. It's the ultimate uphill battle and it's almost never ending. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 26, 2020 Share Posted February 26, 2020 Does she carry on about saving or changing him? Link to post Share on other sites
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