Are you still in love, or just used to having them around?

[ElecLibre]

A question for the married folks on here! I had a long discussion with my friends the other night about how some couples stay together out of convenience or just out of habit. I myself am not married and my longest relationship was for 4 years so I thought I'd ask on this forum what your opinions/experience is in this. Does "love" really last or at some point do you just get used to having that other person in your life? Are there couples out there who still wake up next to their partners with that feeling of being in love after many years of marriage?

[Rosieroo17]

I've been with my husband 5 years and yes I still have that feeling I love him and find him extremely attractive. 

Be interesting to hear from others who have been married longer. 

I think every marriage and partnership is different and some may  not have that feeling I do but have a bond and friendship

[Soxfaninfl]

I’ve been married to my wife for 5 years also, and I love her very much! I also still find her attractive even though she’s put on weight. She is my best friend and the love of my life, and I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Our marriage isn’t perfect. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I’ve never stopped loving her and never will. 

Edited February 24, 2020 by Soxfaninfl

[Woggle]

I have been married for 14 years and I am even more in love now than I was back then and unless she is a really really good actress which I seriously doubt she feels the same.

[carhill]

I've seen relationships of convenience and image. Personally I could never do that. When our M got to the point my love bank was empty I took steps to ensure I was secure to take care of my terminally ill mother then disconnected the wife. She apparently was insufficiently loving to deal with that reality. We got MC and I accepted reality and we got divorced. The divorce was final and my mother died the same month just about ten years ago. I haven't had a relationship since. Still believe in the bonds of love and attachment though. I'm happy for those so gifted, even my exW, who immediately moved on to another guy she's still with today. Some people are fortunate in that way. 👍

[SJS]

When he walks into a room, I still feel that little flutter and automatically smile. I figure once that's gone and I'd rather not see him, then I'm there just for convenience. (together since we were teenagers in the 90's). 

[Els]

H and I have been together for (oh gosh) 11+ years, definitely still in love. Of course there are ups and downs, and I don't necessarily feel that way 24/7, but it's very much still present. I miss him when he goes away even if it's only for a few days, and I look forward to our time together after work most days. He's also still incredibly attractive, at least in my (very biased) opinion.

[gaius]

I'm only 5 years in but every day with my wife still feels like a gift. We've had fights and disagreements like everyone else but every second we've been together I've had a fire burning inside me for her and she's the one and only for me.

I've been very lucky to find someone who can stir that kind of emotion. It doesn't always happen but it's possible.

[ElecLibre]

Thanks for the responses! It's nice to hear some positive stories 😊

[Blind-Sided]

It's kind of a question that can be seen from both sides.

I was with my exW for 20 years.  I still loved her before she went nutz.  Was it the kind of romantic love that gave you butterflies??  NO.  But it was familiar love that you were glad to see someone... and happy to know that deep in your soul you could depend on that person.   And after a long time... that's just how it is. (like the love for a brother, or your mom/dad) And I fought to try to make things right, even when everyone here was telling me to stop being nice.  (that's what you do when you love someone, and you know they are having problems)

At the end, she said she didn't love me and hadn't for a long time.  But she has a family history of mental issues... and since she was on Zoloft for 9 years without my knowledge... I'm guessing there was a chemical issue keeping her from seeing that. (because she's just angry now and it's having an effect on the kids. Kind of sad really)

Edited February 25, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[RecentChange]

We have been together for 19 years.

And yes I still love him! 

Just the other day - he wasn't feeling well, and I cancelled plans, and instead stayed home so I could rub his head and do what I could to help him feel better.

And I thought to myself "gosh I love him so much". His pain is my pain, his joy is my joy etc.

[Pastypop]

I love him but, don’t think he’s really ever loved me honestly.  He’s told me that I’ve just made him miserable over the years.  We were going to get a divorce 10 years ago and he decided to work on the marriage.  He told me it was for the kids.  That hurt.  I’m pretty sure it was because he had a pretty good feeling that I would write child support checks and bolt on the rest of it.  He did not want to be a single dad to a 2,3 and 5 year old.  Now, I am stuck with those kids in a crappy bottom apartment that we all hate while he lives alone in our home.  He won’t even lift a finger to clean or maintain it.  He said he would come live with with us if I cleaned out/fixed the house, and find him a new job.  Hmmm...I am now stuck raising three teenagers, working and having to look for jobs quite often myself. How am I supposed to do all that other stuff? He looks so happy now that he has a fine house to live in, no wife or kids to deal with.  He hangs out with all his work buddies, watches tv and plays video games all the time.  Life is good for him for now.   In three years, I hope to have time to clean out that house.  I plan on reactivating my real estate license and selling that house right from underneath him and making his butt homeless.   The kids and I will go buy ourselves a nice big house of our own to live in.  He can go find his own job and his own place to live.  Maybe he can rent our crappy bottom floor apartment.  One can only hope.

[IndigoNight]

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. Yes, we still love each other, deeply. Sometimes, how much we like one another at a given time can vary.  After 20+ years together, there are times that we drive each other a little crazy. So, sure, there are times that we both wonder if we're still happy, and in love with one another. We are. Do we get bored? How could we not! Sometimes life is boring. 

Love waxes and wanes. When our day to day life is stressful, it can bring up the little petty things in our relationship, that are otherwise not problematic. At times, those little petty things seem like they are a much bigger deal than they are. So, we argue, we contemplate our relationship, and wonder if this will be the fight that breaks our bond.

Then, we touch. That touch, that soft gentle hug, or sweet kiss, reminds us that, while we may not be particularly happy with one another at the time, the love is still there; deep, strong, and solid. 

When our daily lives are going smoothly, it seems like out love flourishes. It's easy to feel more emotions when things are going well in other areas of our lives. The happiness just overflows from one aspect of our relationship to another.  The sex is better. The petty things stop mattering, and life is just good.

I think it is pretty normal for people in a long term relationship to wonder about the state of things. Is the love still there? How about the passion? Am I happy? To me, it's not a bad thing to take the time to assess the emotional health of a relationship. It is far more beneficial to question one's happiness, than to just assume everything is alright. So long as the questioning is not intrusive, or obsessive.  The times I wonder "am I still in love" I often realize that there are things I could be doing that would be beneficial in my marriage. So, I do them.

It's easy to forget the little things we do for our partners that mean so much. It's easy to lose sight of the things our partners do for us that make them so wonderful and loving. The big, grand, gestures are hard to miss, or forget. The little intricacies that we do for one another, like knowing how to make our partner the perfect cup of coffee, or knowing when they need a hug, or an ear to hear their worries, or any of the 100 little things that show how well you know what it takes to make a loved one happy, are there easiest to overlook. That's when the love wanes; when we stop doing the little things that mean so much.

You can say "I love you," without a single word. My husband brings me coffee, perfect every time, every morning. It is how he shows me that he is thinking about me. Sure, it's simple. That's what makes it matter so much. It's a little thing that he doesn't have to do for me, but does anyway because I enjoy, and appreciate, it. 

Just my take on things. Everyone is different.

 

[ElecLibre]

1 hour ago, IndigoNight said:

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. Yes, we still love each other, deeply. Sometimes, how much we like one another at a given time can vary.  After 20+ years together, there are times that we drive each other a little crazy. So, sure, there are times that we both wonder if we're still happy, and in love with one another. We are. Do we get bored? How could we not! Sometimes life is boring. 

Love waxes and wanes. When our day to day life is stressful, it can bring up the little petty things in our relationship, that are otherwise not problematic. At times, those little petty things seem like they are a much bigger deal than they are. So, we argue, we contemplate our relationship, and wonder if this will be the fight that breaks our bond.

Then, we touch. That touch, that soft gentle hug, or sweet kiss, reminds us that, while we may not be particularly happy with one another at the time, the love is still there; deep, strong, and solid. 

When our daily lives are going smoothly, it seems like out love flourishes. It's easy to feel more emotions when things are going well in other areas of our lives. The happiness just overflows from one aspect of our relationship to another.  The sex is better. The petty things stop mattering, and life is just good.

I think it is pretty normal for people in a long term relationship to wonder about the state of things. Is the love still there? How about the passion? Am I happy? To me, it's not a bad thing to take the time to assess the emotional health of a relationship. It is far more beneficial to question one's happiness, than to just assume everything is alright. So long as the questioning is not intrusive, or obsessive.  The times I wonder "am I still in love" I often realize that there are things I could be doing that would be beneficial in my marriage. So, I do them.

It's easy to forget the little things we do for our partners that mean so much. It's easy to lose sight of the things our partners do for us that make them so wonderful and loving. The big, grand, gestures are hard to miss, or forget. The little intricacies that we do for one another, like knowing how to make our partner the perfect cup of coffee, or knowing when they need a hug, or an ear to hear their worries, or any of the 100 little things that show how well you know what it takes to make a loved one happy, are there easiest to overlook. That's when the love wanes; when we stop doing the little things that mean so much.

You can say "I love you," without a single word. My husband brings me coffee, perfect every time, every morning. It is how he shows me that he is thinking about me. Sure, it's simple. That's what makes it matter so much. It's a little thing that he doesn't have to do for me, but does anyway because I enjoy, and appreciate, it. 

Just my take on things. Everyone is different.

 

That's so beautifully put. I'm really happy you've managed to create such a strong bond together. 

[mark clemson]

So poetic... 🙂

For me, I'd say a bit of both.

"Love waxes and wanes" puts it well I think.

[LuckyM]

You are likely to get gloving positive replies because of the way the op phrases the question and because most members rather not admit weak marriages I think. My 2 cents

[Woggle]

3 hours ago, LuckyM said:

You are likely to get gloving positive replies because of the way the op phrases the question and because most members rather not admit weak marriages I think. My 2 cents

People online complain about their marriages all the time. If you went by online you would think nobody was happily married so I would say that those in this thread are telling the truth.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I'd say time has uncovered more "issues" to work through (just married a few months ago, together for about 4.5 years), but I'm more "in love" with him than ever - and it certainly seems to be mutual.

If anything, I fall more in love with him after every disagreement we have. In stark contrast to my ex (who would take ANY tiny conflict and blow it up into something ridiculous), my husband handles conflict like a real adult human being who actually loves me.

[LuckyM]

I did not say their messages are not honest. Posts s on the marriage forum are probably true too I agree. But this is the internet so take it with a grain of salt. In general most older ccouples married longer given the choice will say their LTR is ok or good. If they have a problem then yes they are often on LS. It all seems honest prima facie 😊

Edited April 5, 2020 by LuckyM
Clear

[IndigoNight]

On 4/5/2020 at 9:29 AM, LuckyM said:

You are likely to get gloving positive replies because of the way the op phrases the question and because most members rather not admit weak marriages I think. My 2 cents

You might be right. Personally, if I thought I had a weak marriage I simply wouldn't have responded to the question. My marriage has been through hell, several times, and we've managed to survive it. We don't pretend to be the perfect couple, and when asked how we've managed to be so happy together, the answer is simple. We put in the work. We've been together 21+ years because we both put in the work not only in the good times, but especially in the bad. We compromise. We adjust, adapt, and grow together. Most importantly, we truly care about one another. 

[pepperbird]

I've been married almost 23 years.

I love my husband to bits, but I am not always "in love" with him. There's also times that I really am. I really believe that's normal for people.

I think that's the key. All the butterflies, etc/ are wonderful, but when  they've flown away, so to speak, is when you find out how strong your relationship is.

That;s where the rubber hits the road.Love is easy when things are going well. It's a lot harder when times get tough. If you can come out the other side and still be together and feel liek the person is still the right one for you, you've really got something.

I'm a big fan of retro TV shows. This one really explains it well...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkbiXJ2KV38

 

[Berteau]

On 4/5/2020 at 12:29 PM, LuckyM said:

You are likely to get gloving positive replies because of the way the op phrases the question and because most members rather not admit weak marriages I think. My 2 cents

Agreed.  Love and in love are different.  Most are just admitting they just “love”their spouse which is easy to do and even people who divorce say they love their spouses. In love is much stronger and more associated with the honeymoon phase when all you think about is them.  

[5x5]

On 2/23/2020 at 5:58 AM, ElecLibre said:

A question for the married folks on here! I had a long discussion with my friends the other night about how some couples stay together out of convenience or just out of habit. I myself am not married and my longest relationship was for 4 years so I thought I'd ask on this forum what your opinions/experience is in this. Does "love" really last or at some point do you just get used to having that other person in your life? Are there couples out there who still wake up next to their partners with that feeling of being in love after many years of marriage?

Well I'm 21 years into my second marriage, with close to 24 years of being together. And my wife and I still wake up with the feeling of being in love. It certainly isn't everyday either of us feel that way, yet it is still often felt.

We still talk to each other plenty; still hangout together, still hold hands, walk arm-in-arm, still date each other, still look into each other's eyes, still hug,. Still flirt, grope, fondle, still plus kiss lots and with plenty of tongue as well. While we still share lots of sex together.

We also afford each other space and autonomy as well, plus we don't smother each other with insecurities.

Through all of our time together, we have also weathered nearly being killed together when a car mowed down 3 people including my wife. We have also weathered a house fire, a flood, separation through work when I was in the Army, other serious injury, critical illness, lots of house moves, one redundancy, with my wife also being a recent cancer survivor and other things besides. While we are currently weathering our youngest child having a mental illness with the highest mortality rate.

Yet through all of that we still like each other and love being together, which goes a long way to seeing us still feeling in love with each other as well.

[ElecLibre]

4 hours ago, 5x5 said:

Yet through all of that we still like each other and love being together, which goes a long way to seeing us still feeling in love with each other as well.

This made me smile, thank you for sharing your story, it definitely gives hope that it can last if you are willing to work for it!

[heartwhole2]

We've been married 15 years, together for more than 20. 

I would say that as I am the "thinker" and my husband is the "feeler" in our relationship, feeling perpetually in love was never a top concern of mine based on what I perceive "in love" to mean. But I would say that over our 20+ years together, we have generally felt exhilarated and grateful and content with one another. I would say our overarching feeling has been mutual amazement that we get to experience such great things together. We have a running joke that one thing we have in common is our love of congratulating ourselves on our blessings.

Even a quick google search about what "in love" means did not illuminate me. So I will just say . . . My husband and I miss each other a lot when we're apart. We are best friends. We are lovers. We make contact during work. We make each other laugh. When you're compatible, those things are easy during the good times. As someone else mentioned, I think it's what you do during the harder times that is true love. We put each other first. We try really hard to be supportive. We understand that we need to understand how the other person thinks and feels and wants to be treated, not just treat the other like we want to be treated. We give the benefit of the doubt. 

What brought me to LS is the fact that my husband had an affair 5 years ago, but looking at it in the context of 20+ years, it seems to fit the pattern of something we went through together that made us appreciate having each other all the more. And while I'd certainly choose "no affair" if I had the option, I suspect that recovering from it increased the bonding and attraction hormones between us. Though TBH my memory of my husband's treatment of me is that he was a lovesick puppy all of our years together with the exception of the affair and maybe a few months leading up to it. And as someone who puts more stock in feelings you can see how he justified the affair to himself. My flame has always burned more constantly but maybe less brightly. 

I do feel sad when I read posts by people who say they've grown apart. I understand that sometimes your spouse changes in ways that don't allow compromise or a healthy way forward -- addiction, religious conversion, etc. You cannot control your partner and as such you can not always keep your relationship fire going. But I do think there's a lot we can do if we still have those elements that brought us together -- compatibility, shared sense of humor, similar world view, etc. I don't think any marriage will remain loving and fulfilling for decades simply by coasting on feelings.