I told my best guy friend I love him

[Bunny1234]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this thread but if not I apologise 

I'm a 29/F. I've been best friends with this guy for almost 2 years. We have been through alot together: break ups, family problems and jobs. He has always been there and so have I. There have been times when we have been together 24/7, texting, meeting, eating out. We used to beat the hell out of each other, annoy each other, pull each orher's leg. This phase continued for almost 1-1.5 years. All our friends at work and off work, including his individual friends and mine assumed we would end up together. Everyone at work thought we were a couple. We used to laugh at the stupidity. Our parents wanted us to get married and everyone used to keep pushing us together. None of us paid heed to that.

A while ago, infact 6-8 months ago, I started having romantic feelings for him. I pushed that thought aside because I thought it was all because of the constant nudging our friends used to do. Until the thought kept eating away in my head. It's very rare for me to feel that since my last break up almost 2 years ago. I thought I'd try to talk to him about this in an indirect way but it didn't go planned and I ended up telling him I had a crush on him. He laughed, things got a little weird for a few days but then we had huge argument over this, he thought I was thinking this because of our friends and I was consumed by that thought. The argument took a toll on me and I ended up lying to him stating that I no longer have feelings for him.

Gradually things got normal between us. We started hanging out everyday again. I didn't realize my feelings for him gradually started increasing into love. I would do anything he'd suggest, if he asked me to come over I'd drop everything and go. It was strictly platonic from both of our sides. There were instances when he would lash out on me and I would keep quite and not give it back to him because I believe my love overpowered it and I felt it was misdirected. A week ago, we went for dinner and he told me about this girl who he knew from work. The girl was fairly new and had just started working a week ago and is way younger to him. He told me he could see her as a prospect and was trying to get to know her. He said he could see something serious with her in the long run. These words were the trigger to everything and I couldn't keep anything in and just had a moment where I told him everything that was going on in my head. I ended up telling him I loved him. And I couldn't stop crying because it hurt alot knowing he didn't reciprocate. I rushed home and spoke to him the day. I had decided that I would take time off him and try to get over him because it hurt alot more than I expected. 

He texted me the next day to talk and have a conversation with him about what I told him. I was too embarrassed to talk about it so I told him I was embarrassed. He said he wanted to meet up and have lunch so we could talk. I told him I won't be seeing him ever after this which I thought was right on my part. The problem is, that he is not letting me go, he wants us to be the same way as before. He told me that even though I loved him I can still have other relationships and be happy with someone else. I can't. I can't picture anyone other than him. He made me meet him the next day and acted all cool and normal. In my heart, I can't. I was constantly torn thinking he is trying to be with that girl from work who he hardly knows and I'm here, he doesn't care.  I know I can't force my feelings on anyone. But I really don't know what to do here. If I stop talking to him it will hurt because I'll not only loose my best friend but the person I love. Second, he doesn't want me to go. I really don't know. I have not been happy since then, I have lost my appetite, I keep crying. If I see him online all I keep thinking is , he is pursuing her. 

 

PS: I forgot to add, he also told me he actually gave a thought about us months ago but he thinks it's a bad idea for us to be together. I just don't understand why. 

Edited February 22, 2020 by Bunny1234
Added information

[MeadowFlower]

This is a very hurtful situation. And in a short answer, the best thing to do though it will hurt, is to say your goodbyes to him for good. Say anything you feel you need to say and then go. Don't allow him to contact you. 

Essentially, you are breaking up with him.

[Piddy]

This sounds like a Matthew McConaughey / Kate Hudson movie.  Tough thing.  Funny he thought about you two being together and decided against it.  It's too bad because you two are obviously compatible and that's the number one thing in a long term relationship. 

However, if he doesn't have romantic feelings for you and you have them for him, it's going to be tough for you to remain friends.

Each time you see him with a girl it'll eat you alive.  I'm afraid if you can't put your romantic feelings aside then you may have to cut him out of your life.  In the movie McConaughey would see the light and choose Hudson, but the movies aren't real life.  Good luck.

Edited February 22, 2020 by Piddy

[preraph]

All guys at least give a thought about their women friends, because most guys are that focused on sex, so they at least think about what it would be like.  He thinks it's a bad idea because he doesn't feel the same way.  It sounds like he is looking for a certain type woman and you're not it.  It's not unusual for people to NOT be able to feel sexual toward their platonic friends.  You get to where you have more of a sibling relationship and it starts to just feel wrong.  

 

It doesn't matter what HE wants at this point.  You have to do what is good for you -- and you are never going to give up hope on him as long as you are seeing him.  And you are never going to be okay with him seeing other women or hearing about it, as you just learned.  So your instinct to cut it off is correct -- and you're the one who will suffer if you don't.  He isn't invested enough to be hearbroken about you leaving.  He is just selfishly wanting to keep you there as a friend -- and guess what?  No girlfriend of his is going to tolerate that, so it is only a matter of time before HE cuts you off to keep a girlfriend from leaving.  That's the reality.  The sooner you cut him off, the fewer years you will spend pining over him in the long run.  

 

He is not the only guy you will love.  The first requirement for you to love a man is for them to love you back.  If not, they aren't the one.  Period.  That's the reality.  

 

You've given him two chances and all he wants you for is a cooperative sounding board.  Why would he want to lose you?  Like you said, you let him get away with things unquestioned that others wouldn't tolerate!  THAT was a mistake.  A big mistake.  

 

I'm sorry you're miserable, but the longer you let him have contact, the longer that will last.    

[Bunny1234]

2 minutes ago, Piddy said:

This sounds like a Matthew McConaughey / Kate Hudson movie.  Tough thing.  Funny he thought about you two being together and decided against it.  It's too bad because you two are obviously compatible and that's the number one thing in a long term relationship. 

However, if he doesn't have romantic feelings for you and you have them for him, it's going to be tough for you to remain friends.

Each time you see him with a girl it'll eat you alive.  I'm afraid if you can't put your romantic feelings aside then you may have to cut him out of your life.  In the movie McConaughey would see the light and choose you, but the movies aren't real life.  Good luck.

I asked him why he thought we were not a good match, he said that he has lashed out on me a couple of times and when he has done that I have kept my mouth shut and not reciprocated. Secondly, he feels when these instances happened he hadn't respected me that point of time. He said it was not a kind of life he wanted for either of us. Also, I quote, he said 'when we spend 24/7 together we have more fights and arguments'. I felt arguing over the answer would be of no use and I felt he was just letting me down easy. 

Secondly, I believe this was more in my head and the constant nudging of my friends creating the scenarios that he feels the same and that we were in denial. Also, I had a few prospects of my own last year. There were 2-3 guys who showed romantic interest in me but he ruined it all for me to an extent of talking me into pushing them away. There is one more guy who is trying to pursue me, while I was out with him he texted me and my friend asks me to stay away and not trust the guy without even knowing him. All these instances kept giving me hope. There were times when he used to joke about us getting married and making our parents happy. And again I blame myself for thinking too much over it.

I have tried to stop contact with him but he said he wants us the same way as before and he says I'm abandoning him and us. He made us hang out together after my confession to prove we can be friends. I had to act throughout bit the thought of him with someone else kept killing me. Even a small gesture as him taking his phone out and texting someone sent me to an extreme though that he was talking to her. 

 

It really hurts. I don't know what to do. 

[preraph]

Nonsense.  It's not UP to him.  He can't make you let him stay!  He's not even thinking of your own welfare, just being selfish, and there's nothing good behind it.  And now you tell us he's blocking you from other men.  Well, he doesn't want you and he doesn't want anyone else taking up your time either.  Does that seem like a friend to you?  Does that seem like someone who cares about your wellbeing or just their own?  

 

I would be furious if he talked you out of dating other guys!  You MUST date other guys and block this guy.  He's just thinking of himself and no one else.  

[Piddy]

7 minutes ago, Bunny1234 said:

I asked him why he thought we were not a good match, he said that he has lashed out on me a couple of times and when he has done that I have kept my mouth shut and not reciprocated. Secondly, he feels when these instances happened he hadn't respected me that point of time. He said it was not a kind of life he wanted for either of us. Also, I quote, he said 'when we spend 24/7 together we have more fights and arguments'. I felt arguing over the answer would be of no use and I felt he was just letting me down easy. 

Secondly, I believe this was more in my head and the constant nudging of my friends creating the scenarios that he feels the same and that we were in denial. Also, I had a few prospects of my own last year. There were 2-3 guys who showed romantic interest in me but he ruined it all for me to an extent of talking me into pushing them away. There is one more guy who is trying to pursue me, while I was out with him he texted me and my friend asks me to stay away and not trust the guy without even knowing him. All these instances kept giving me hope. There were times when he used to joke about us getting married and making our parents happy. And again I blame myself for thinking too much over it.

I have tried to stop contact with him but he said he wants us the same way as before and he says I'm abandoning him and us. He made us hang out together after my confession to prove we can be friends. I had to act throughout bit the thought of him with someone else kept killing me. Even a small gesture as him taking his phone out and texting someone sent me to an extreme though that he was talking to her. 

 

It really hurts. I don't know what to do. 

Tell him the truth.  That you have romantic feelings and you can't stay friends with him.  It'll hurt too much.  Tell him there's no going back for you.  You've crossed the Rubicon and can't go back to the way it was.  You need to look out for yourself and your feelings.  Find someone who will love you.  He sounds like he's not that guy.

Edited February 22, 2020 by Piddy

[Bunny1234]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

Nonsense.  It's not UP to him.  He can't make you let him stay!  He's not even thinking of your own welfare, just being selfish, and there's nothing good behind it.  And now you tell us he's blocking you from other men.  Well, he doesn't want you and he doesn't want anyone else taking up your time either.  Does that seem like a friend to you?  Does that seem like someone who cares about your wellbeing or just their own?  

 

I would be furious if he talked you out of dating other guys!  You MUST date other guys and block this guy.  He's just thinking of himself and no one else.  

Thank you for replying. 

There have been such instances after my first confession which is what kept giving me hope. I think it was more in my head and I was seeing what I wanted to see. There have been many occasions he had said we were a couple in public. I kept thinking maybe he feels the same. I feel embarrassed and stupid. Honestly, our lives are so much intertwined that he is everywhere and I know so am I for him. It's going to be so hard. I read a thread about NC. I'm not sure how much will that work considering we were best friends.  

[Bunny1234]

4 minutes ago, Piddy said:

Tell him the truth.  That you have romantic feelings and you can't stay friends with him.  It'll hurt too much.  Tell him there's no going back for you.  You've crossed the Rubicon and can't go back to the way it was.  You need to look out for yourself and your feelings.  Find someone who will love you.  He sounds like he's not that guy.

I'm more scared of the fact that I'm too easy to forget and how can it not impact him at all. Do you know he wasn't surprised when I told him j loved him, he said he had seen it coming and he just didn't expect me to confess so soon. I was taken aback because if he knew why not say something? He said I was handling it well. 

[Piddy]

1 minute ago, Bunny1234 said:

I'm more scared of the fact that I'm too easy to forget and how can it not impact him at all. Do you know he wasn't surprised when I told him j loved him, he said he had seen it coming and he just didn't expect me to confess so soon. I was taken aback because if he knew why not say something? He said I was handling it well. 

My cousin had romantic feelings for a friend of his.  He told her and she said she wasn't interested.  They weren't best friends, but he was able to remain friends with her.  In your case he is your best friend.  So that's going to be tough.  Maybe then give it a try and see if your feelings will subside.  If they don't then you can't be friends for the reasons I and others have already said.

[preraph]

9 minutes ago, Bunny1234 said:

I'm more scared of the fact that I'm too easy to forget and how can it not impact him at all. Do you know he wasn't surprised when I told him j loved him, he said he had seen it coming and he just didn't expect me to confess so soon. I was taken aback because if he knew why not say something? He said I was handling it well. 

Because he's selfish and not thinking about you or your feelings or your welfare.  You are his friend who lets him get away with being a jerk and not calling him on it.  He sounds, honestly, just mean.  People do know when someone is crushing on them.  Knowing this, he certainly had NO business discouraging you from seeing other guys!!  

 

You don't need to feel dumb.  This guy just isn't treating you right and not even like a good friend.  If you don't leave him behind now, though, then it is dumb because the only person you're hurting is yourself.  Look, as you get older, it's the time wasted on these guys that bothers you the most.  Do not waste your prime years on someone who doesn't want you!  He's let you know twice now.  Don't give him any part of you because he's not nice.  That's what you will regret.  You could be dating guys right now, and you should.  You'll forget about him soon enough if you do that. And do NOT talk to any of your dates about this guy or they will dump you for being hung up on him.  Confess to a therapist, a friend, or a priest, but NOT to any guys you are dating.  They would never believe he's not an ex and just a friend.  

Edited February 22, 2020 by preraph

[Bunny1234]

9 minutes ago, preraph said:

Because he's selfish and not thinking about you or your feelings or your welfare.  You are his friend who lets him get away with being a jerk and not calling him on it.  He sounds, honestly, just mean.  People do know when someone is crushing on them.  Knowing this, he certainly had NO business discouraging you from seeing other guys!!  

 

You don't need to feel dumb.  This guy just isn't treating you right and not even like a good friend.  If you don't leave him behind now, though, then it is dumb because the only person you're hurting is yourself.  Look, as you get older, it's the time wasted on these guys that bothers you the most.  Do not waste your prime years on someone who doesn't want you!  He's let you know twice now.  Don't give him any part of you because he's not nice.  That's what you will regret.  You could be dating guys right now, and you should.  You'll forget about him soon enough if you do that. And do NOT talk to any of your dates about this guy or they will dump you for being hung up on him.  Confess to a therapist, a friend, or a priest, but NOT to any guys you are dating.  They would never believe he's not an ex and just a friend.  

I agree. No one believes he is just a friend because of the amount we used to talk, which has now reduced since he is pursuing someone else.  There have been instances when he would just not respond to my calls or msgs now and I think I have gotten too much used to him being around.

He is a nice person regardless, he has always been there for me. He knows me well inside out and so do I. I always keep thinking to what it could have been. Even after confessing to him, when we hung out he still joked about us getting married and this time I kind of liked the idea but I don't understand why would he do that. He hangs out with me all the time and tells me everything. 

As of now, I'm not in a mindset to think of dating anyone for that matter. I don't think until I get over him, it would be fair to do that. 

I failed to mention, earlier last year he had started dating a girl (who I predicted won't last for more than 2 months with my Friends). As soon as he started dating her, he picked a fight with me over a stupid reason and stopped speaking to me for over 2 months. Even my birthday came and went in that time he didn't bother wishing either. I was a mess back then. After his break up he came and started talking to me again and hanging out again. He apologized said he was going through some stuff he couldn't share. I let it go considering he needed his space. He failed to tell me he broke up until after we both were back to same old. Technically I got to know about the break up after 3 months of rekindled friendship. That's when I realized he stopped talking to me because of her. But he never admitted. 

Inshort, I believe I'm scared of that happening too. Because I know once he gets steady with a girl, I'll be pushed away anyway. 

[preraph]

Neither one of you can date while keeping up this farce of a friendship.  He is NOT nice.  He is a jerk.  He thought nothing of cutting you off to keep his girlfriend, and that is exactly what will keep happening.  He couldn't "share" it because it wasn't nice and it was deliberate.  You should definitely date.  You don't have to get serious, but you need to see what other guys are like when they are actually interested in you and not just when they want you around for an ego boost and to indulge them in every way without question. 

Edited February 22, 2020 by preraph

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy doesn't sound like much of a friend, OP. 

Him crying crocodile tears and accusing you of abandoning him is selfish, plain and simple. He cares more about what suits him than how any of this is clearly affecting you. A true friend wouldn't try to manipulate your feelings that way. 

To add to that, he can't make you do anything. He can't make you meet up with him. You let yourself do it. It's time to stop handing all the power over your own decisions to him. It isn't his call whether or not you remain in his life to the same degree. You get to decide that. 

I am getting the sense that he enjoyed your company and playing the part of pseudo-girlfriend to him, and his ego is taking a hit now that he realizes he can't have you at his beck and call anymore. This sounds like an unbalanced friendship that was eventually going to go sideways. It is also unlikely you two will be able to remain best friends, as he will naturally spend less time with you when he starts dating someone, and many girlfriends wouldn't be comfortable with their men having such a cozy friendship with another woman.

You very much need to take a lot of space from him so you can recover, and work on fostering other friendship so the void won't feel so stark. 

[Bunny1234]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This guy doesn't sound like much of a friend, OP. 

Him crying crocodile tears and accusing you of abandoning him is selfish, plain and simple. He cares more about what suits him than how any of this is clearly affecting you. A true friend wouldn't try to manipulate your feelings that way. 

To add to that, he can't make you do anything. He can't make you meet up with him. You let yourself do it. It's time to stop handing all the power over your own decisions to him. It isn't his call whether or not you remain in his life to the same degree. You get to decide that. 

I am getting the sense that he enjoyed your company and playing the part of pseudo-girlfriend to him, and his ego is taking a hit now that he realizes he can't have you at his beck and call anymore. This sounds like an unbalanced friendship that was eventually going to go sideways. It is also unlikely you two will be able to remain best friends, as he will naturally spend less time with you when he starts dating someone, and many girlfriends wouldn't be comfortable with their men having such a cozy friendship with another woman.

You very much need to take a lot of space from him so you can recover, and work on fostering other friendship so the void won't feel so stark. 

I guess you're right. A part of me still wants to hope that this could be something since he doesn't want to let me go. He asks and I do it. That's how simple it is for him.

I tried to ignore him for a day, he called and texted. He spoke over the call where I told him that maybe it's not a good idea if we communicate, he told me 'it would be weird and awkward only if we make it awkward & we can still be us' . He said us not talking was not a good idea. He is not too open about his emotions but he came clean that day stating that I have value in his life. I think that small sentence got me going. It's like giving someone exactly they need to hear. I don't think it's healthy for me obsessing over the fact that he is pursuing her. It eats me alive. But I can't bring myself to part with him. He and I have intertwined lives. He needs my opinion on everything be it his family matter, personal, job or even his clothes. I used to feel he is too dependent on me. I felt we were so compatible but I understand I can't force myself on anyone. As pointed out above by one of the helpful members that I should start dating, I don't understand how. These past 2 years I've been single and he has been the one around. I feel like this is another break up. It kind of hurts not being able to be around him like earlier but it hurts more thinking of him being with another person. 

 

[preraph]

As long as you let him communicate with you, he is always going to say just enough to string you along for his own selfish purposes.  You saying he needs you for everything sounds more like you're his mother than even a friend.  It doesn't sound like a romantic attachment.  You need to kick him to the curb for his own good so he can grow up and make his own decisions.  

[ExpatInItaly]

51 minutes ago, Bunny1234 said:

But I can't bring myself to part with him. He and I have intertwined lives. He needs my opinion on everything be it his family matter, personal, job or even his clothes. 

This is inevitably going to unravel when he gets himself a girlfriend and intertwines his life with hers. It will be her that he goes to for opinions about everything. It was always going to happen, as it doesn't appear he ever had the romantic feelings that you did. It's just happening before you're really ready for it. 

He's being willfully obtuse (and spectacularly seflish) if he genuinely believes you two can carry on as before. It won't go back to the way it was, which is probably best. Why? Because you developed feelings and devoted yourself to someone who wasn't going to reciprocate. What you thought you were building towards was, unfortunately, not going to come to fruition. 

[Ellener]

@Bunny1234 you are grieving now but feelings do fade, there will be other friends and you will love other people. Do some big self-care right now whilst you put this behind you.

And this:

3 hours ago, Bunny1234 said:

if he asked me to come over I'd drop everything and go.

Don't do that any more, you don't need to do that.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[schlumpy]

I really don't like the way he is treating you. A good friend would be understanding and caring. That he wants things to remain the same makes me think he is frightened. I don't what he is but I know you still want him.

Sometimes Bunny all we can do is plant a seed in someone's mind and hope it takes root and grows. You planted that seed in his mind where others had prepared the soil. Now you have to step back, make him miss you and see if it will grow.

Good luck and dry your tears.