princessaurora Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 My 21 yr old niece called me in an emotional wreck because a guy she's been crushing on from their online gaming group decided to randomly tell her he didnt like her like that when they all met for dinner last night. If she had expressed her interest directly to him, this would be warranted, but she has never told him she likes him. She's also quite timid so I know she wasnt texting him or flirting with him. She just thinks he's cute and funny. She doesnt even know how he found out. My guess would be one of her friends from the group told him, but she refuses to believe they would betray her like that. It just makes me angry because he could have just shrugged it off and let it go instead of crushing her self esteem. Now she feels awkward and uncomfortable around him and is thinking of leaving the group she has really come to love. I practically raised this girl since her and my daugher are so close in age and don't want to see her hurt. When i was around that age, if I found out or suspected a boy liked me and I didnt feel the same, I just let it be unless they directly hit on me. Then i would politely tell them. Thanks, but I'm already seeing someone or something along those lines. All the guys i knew then pretty much did the same thing. We were raised not to hurt people's feelings unnecessarilly. What kind of jerk just walks up to a girl because he heard she liked him and feels he's entitled to destroy another person's self confidence. Is this the norm for young guys today or is this kid an egomaniac? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Perhaps he did not think he was hurting her feelings because he has some social issues of his own (i.e. Asperger's or something). 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) Well..... I have a couple thoughts on that. 1) You are getting emotional, info. There may be a twist to that story. 2) All 21 year old guys are @ss holes. Their brains haven't developed yet. LOL. 3) Welcome to being a guy. OK... what I mean by that is... most guys have to do the chasing, and we get shot down all the time. Sometimes, it's not in a nice way. We are constantly crushed by girls. (especially when young) If she is shy... then it was worse in her head, then it probably really was. 4) I know you said she didn't ask him directly... but she talked about it to someone. And, as above... it's "On-Line Gaming"... he is probably socially inept himself. Anyway.... I'm sorry it happened... but unless he got nasty, and started yelling, and calling her derogatory names... then it's just life, and she has to move forward. Edited February 22, 2020 by Blind-Sided 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Yeah, of course her online "friends" told him. She's not even real to them. But honestly, maybe now she'll move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessaurora Posted February 22, 2020 Author Share Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) I guess that's possible, Cautiously, these gamers she hangs with are pretty strange, but I've never met him, so I really can't say. I just wish I knew what to do to help her. But the damage is done and there's no reversing it. She is crushed. She's supposed to be coming to parades with us tonight but now she says all she wants to do is stay home and cry:( Edited February 22, 2020 by princessaurora add name Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 9 minutes ago, princessaurora said: I just wish I knew what to do to help her. All you can do is just acknowledge her pain. Maybe share a rejection/heartache story of your own. Don't tell her "this too shall pass" or "everything happens for a reason" or any other there, there platitudes. She hurts and is allowed to. We've all been there. Just let her do what she needs to right now (i.e. stay home) and comfort her as much as she wants you to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Wait, I thought it was common practice to let someone know you're not interested in them. Plenty of women have made that clear to me over the years, despite me not asking them out. I also don't see how he destroyed her self esteem, unless he said more than "I'm not interested in you that way". As far as preemptive rejections go, that's very mild. I wish most of mine had been that mild. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Of course one of her friends told him. And it sounds to me like he was trying to let her down gently. It should take more than a guy telling her "I don't like you like that" to crush her self esteem. We all suffer rejection and developing our own resilience is how we get through it. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessaurora Posted February 22, 2020 Author Share Posted February 22, 2020 7 minutes ago, preraph said: Yeah, of course her online "friends" told him. She's not even real to them. But honestly, maybe now she'll move on. They are a local group and do get together in person from time to time. She simply thought he was cute. She wasnt in love with him or anything like that, so theres not too much to move on from. She said she just liked the way he looked, much the same as we look at attractive celebrities but know nothing is ever going to happen. She knew he was way more attractive than her so she never planned to date him or anything. (She's kind of a big girl) In this case, I really feel ignorance would have been bliss. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessaurora Posted February 22, 2020 Author Share Posted February 22, 2020 5 minutes ago, Shining One said: Wait, I thought it was common practice to let someone know you're not interested in them. Plenty of women have made that clear to me over the years, despite me not asking them out. I also don't see how he destroyed her self esteem, unless he said more than "I'm not interested in you that way". As far as preemptive rejections go, that's very mild. I wish most of mine had been that mild. But if you don't tell someone directly that you like them and you're not sending them any kind of signals, how do they even know for sure you like them? That's pretty gutsy for a girl to make an assumption and just go with it. Next time someone does that to you, you should play dumb and then say something like 'Keep dreaming babe. I have no interest in you whatsoever."That would be a great slap in the face to their narcissitic behind. I wish that's what my niece would have done. But she's not feisty like her nanny. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 32 minutes ago, basil67 said: Of course one of her friends told him. And it sounds to me like he was trying to let her down gently. It should take more than a guy telling her "I don't like you like that" to crush her self esteem. We all suffer rejection and developing our own resilience is how we get through it. Amen.....she'll likely get over it... I know guys are inclined to "ghost" women for the reasons of avoiding this type of drama...And yet, I have seen posts on here from women proclaiming that they hated being ghosted and wished the guy just gave it to her straight...kinda like this guy did... Seems like a no win for some guys.... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) Honestly, I fail to see what he did as doing something wrong and being an a-hole, you even called him a narcissist.. it seems to me that what she is going thru is merely life, growing up can be hard at times and many times not fun at all. I have been turned down before like that and never once let it affect me, it does sound like one of her friends threw her under the bus though... maybe they said more to him than you realize. I know being protective can seem like the best way but in reality facing life head on is the way to go, a-holes and all... Edited February 22, 2020 by Art_Critic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 Sometimes girlfriends will use another person as an excuse to talk to a guy themselves. I've had that happen repeatedly in my life. I'm their door to talking to him and then they are flirting and just basically out of their own lane. So I'd be finding out what one he talked to. And then I'd not consider her a friend and wouldn't trust her with anymore personal info. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 I agree @Art_Critic There was also use of the word 'egomaniac'. Navigating interpersonal relationships when young is tricky and they are all learning as they go. Assuming he didn't use words which would insult her, the descriptions of this lad are unwarranted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessaurora Posted February 23, 2020 Author Share Posted February 23, 2020 36 minutes ago, basil67 said: I agree @Art_Critic There was also use of the word 'egomaniac'. Navigating interpersonal relationships when young is tricky and they are all learning as they go. Assuming he didn't use words which would insult her, the descriptions of this lad are unwarranted. Walking up to someone you're not even certain likes you and telling them you're not interested is unnecessary and hurtful imo. I could see if she was flirting or sent one of her friends over to tell him and see how he felt, but telling a girl or guy you're not attracted to them when they didn't even ask you is not warranted. Like I said before her crush was celebritylike. She never planned on acting on it. He was just eye candy. I would compare that to sending a pic and letter to your favorite Hollywood hearthrob and having them write back and say "I'd never hook up with you in a million years." and most people would suddenly despise them if that were to happen. I used to be eye candy in my teens and 20''s but I never expressed my disinterest unless they made a direct approach on me or sent a friend over to gauge my feelings. I believe only people with issues or who are completely full of themselves would do such a thing. But I grew up in a different time so maybe people just don't care about others well being anymore. Now I'm on the way to the parade and her brother will be wondering where she''s at ( he''s riding on one of the floats). Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 5 minutes ago, princessaurora said: Walking up to someone you're not even certain likes you and telling them you're not interested is unnecessary and hurtful imo. Well you do not know what the "friends" told him about your niece. They may have told him, she is telling everyone that she loves him, or that he is supposedly interested in her too. Or He may have been trying to distance himself as he likes someone else and he panicked about her finding out about your niece and her crush, so he was pretty blunt and went public. Or He may just have thought he was doing her a favour, so she doesn't get her hopes up. Or He is pretty immature and he hasn't managed to master empathy yet. Or He got fed up of your lovestruck niece, hanging on his every word and following him around, laughing too loudly at his jokes and getting too familiar. Some people do not need to say anything it is blatantly obvious to all around... Or He may be an arrogant a***hole who takes pleasure in hurting women. Who knows? BUT such is life. Unfortunately, it can be pretty cruel at times. Now she knows not to waste another second on him... Hugs to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 (edited) I’d guess autism too. A lot of people on the spectrum in the online gaming groups. Edited February 23, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 @Cookiesandough based on nothing more than he does online gaming and attempted to gently let a girl down after what her friends told him, you come up with autism?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 @basil67 Sorry, I misread, I thought he did it publicly at the dinner and that was part of what humiliated and upset her. I agree there’s not enough information here to assume autism. I take back what I said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessaurora Posted February 23, 2020 Author Share Posted February 23, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Well you do not know what the "friends" told him about your niece. They may have told him, she is telling everyone that she loves him, or that he is supposedly interested in her too. Or He may have been trying to distance himself as he likes someone else and he panicked about her finding out about your niece and her crush, so he was pretty blunt and went public. Or He may just have thought he was doing her a favour, so she doesn't get her hopes up. Or He is pretty immature and he hasn't managed to master empathy yet. Or He got fed up of your lovestruck niece, hanging on his every word and following him around, laughing too loudly at his jokes and getting too familiar. Some people do not need to say anything it is blatantly obvious to all around... Or He may be an arrogant a***hole who takes pleasure in hurting women. Who knows? BUT such is life. Unfortunately, it can be pretty cruel at times. Now she knows not to waste another second on him... Hugs to her. Thank you. I don't know. Only he knows and whoever told him maybe. Someone was unfortunately killed tonight and the parade has been cancelled so i'm going to get the kids home and then bring over her favorite dessert. I hope it makes her feel at least a ltitle bit better. It's just been a bad day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 (edited) @basil67Though I will say, telling someone unprovoked (without any more information) you’re not interested in them does seem like a problem with social skills and people in the gaming groups are often in them because they are almost obsessively into games and it’s one of the only circles they feel purpose and belonging in. That’s why I meet so many self-described autistic people in these groups vs anywhere else I think. Edited February 23, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 I wouldn't necessarily assume malicious intent on the part of the friend(s). It's possible they were trying to fix the two of them up before they discovered his lack of interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessaurora Posted February 23, 2020 Author Share Posted February 23, 2020 6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: @basil67 Sorry, I misread, I thought he did it publicly at the dinner and that was part of what humiliated and upset her. I agree there’s not enough information here to assume autism. I take back what I said. She said when she was standing by herself for a second in the hallway he walked over and told her, so it wasn't in front of everyone. Still, I think unless her interest was highly exaggerated to him by someone it was unnecessary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 I suppose it is possible he just picked up on that she was looking at him and crushing on him. And you mentioned she's kind of a big girl and I'm telling you boys can be awfully cruel to them and not even want them in their vicinity. They can be quite inhumane about big girls. So either a friend interfered or he picked up that she was crushing and decided to put an end to it because maybe he was afraid it would cramp his style. anyway it wasn't nice and there are many better ways to handle that. maybe you can get the little bastard kicked out of her group. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 See, I don't see this as an a**h*** thing, because if I was in that position, I could be that guy that would take up your time, effort and resources just to get sex from you, or just to get something I want from you, or just dead the whole thing before I unnecessarily take up any of your time. I think basically stealing your time and resources is much more of an a**h*** thing than this.... I mean sure, he could of let her down easy, but then its actually harder to remain friends, where as if I just drop it on you, I can immediately begin repairing our friendship and actually still have a friendship with you. Link to post Share on other sites
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