nospam99 Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 (edited) @kirsty. Thanks for sharing your friend's response. Sorry, all I see in his refusal to accept your help because he ''can't pay you back'' is a pity party and a martyr complex. If that's the way he wants to live the rest of his life .... all you can do is offer help. Sadly, you can't force him to accept that help. Edited March 9, 2020 by nospam99 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 Though to be fair, I would imagine that most people who have experienced something similar to him would not come out of jail as the same person who went in. He'd be cynical and damaged. Possibly even suffering trauma. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KirstyNicole Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 5 hours ago, nospam99 said: @kirsty. Thanks for sharing your friend's response. Sorry, all I see in his refusal to accept your help because he ''can't pay you back'' is a pity party and a martyr complex. If that's the way he wants to live the rest of his life .... all you can do is offer help. Sadly, you can't force him to accept that help. He was very much "Don't like borrowing" even before this. He isn't trusting at the minute. I need to earn his trust again. 4 hours ago, basil67 said: Though to be fair, I would imagine that most people who have experienced something similar to him would not come out of jail as the same person who went in. He'd be cynical and damaged. Possibly even suffering trauma. He isn't built for jail. He would have found it very hard. he will have been very much a loner. I just want to help him badly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KirstyNicole Posted March 12, 2020 Author Share Posted March 12, 2020 So a turn of events. I get a phone call. Its from a hospital My friend is in a hospital because his chest infection got really bad. I was the only one who picked up apparently. The nurses were really helpful. Confirmed his address with me, I said to my friend who was groggy. I'll go to his get some things. His flat. well its awful. Damp everywhere, Literally everything is damp. He has no bed, Its a mattress on the floor. I saw his bed purchase. He wouldn't get it for a year. I saw his wage slips. He is a 0 hours worker, he doesn't earn a lot. His rent takes up most of what he does earn I need him out of here. He wasn't doing a pity party, from what I've seen he really is in trouble. Back at the hospital, The doctor won't allow him out until he is better. Then I'm going to make him come to mine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 3 hours ago, KirstyNicole said: His flat. well its awful. Damp everywhere, Literally everything is damp. He has no bed, Its a mattress on the floor. I hope you ex gets some major karma for doing this to an innocent man. You need to talk to his parents and tell them your ex admitted to setting him up. Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 I was the one who mentioned 'pity party'. I was referring to his refusal to accept assistance, specifically from you, while giving his inability to pay you back as his reason. IMO 'making' him live in your home is the way to go. I hope he doesn't push back too hard. It's not clear to me how far from you his current job is. But a long commute to work would be a problem to add to everything else he's dealing with. I suggest that while he is in the hospital you see if you can find him a job near your home. I believe you wrote that you had contacts who were always looking for good workers. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 3 hours ago, JTSW said: I hope you ex gets some major karma for doing this to an innocent man. You need to talk to his parents and tell them your ex admitted to setting him up. I agree. The only reason his family is against him is because of a lie that your friend told that you are fully aware of. The least you could do as a good friend is to set the record straight with them first to clear the way for him to come back to his family. That should be your first step. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 On 2/28/2020 at 1:52 AM, KirstyNicole said: . Speaking to his family is pointless they've disowned him I've put messages out to the friends I think would still be in touch. Not heard back from them yet The only reason they've disowned him is because they do not know the truth. You can set them straight so he can have the support of his family. I'm sure when they find out what he's been through because of a lie they will be sad for him and help. They are his family and deserve to know the truth so his name is cleared with them. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 Kirsty, If he balks at your kind offer to move in then think about plan B. The dampness in his flat could be mitigated with a dehumidifier and the air can be cleaned of mold spores and dust with a room air cleaner that uses a HEPA filter. I'm in the US and that would be under five hundred dollars or around 400 pounds sterling. There is the added cost of filters and electricity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KirstyNicole Posted March 29, 2020 Author Share Posted March 29, 2020 Sorry for not updating until now. He passed away from his illness. I'm in quarantine at home now. He never did clear his name and it was just me at his funeral. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 Kirsty, that is absolutely horrible news. I'm so sorry to hear. Wonder if it was covid or mold poisoning. Your ex is a horrible person and it sounds like this friend was there for you in your own time of need--glad you were eventually able to get away from that monster. I'm really grateful that you were able to get in touch with your friend and make amends before his passing. I can only imagine the amount of trauma that both he and you have gone through as a result of this. As much as I didn't want to read this sad ending to this story, a part of me is relieved he won't be living in that hellhole making slave wages while being condemned by those who should have loved him. If it were me, I would still attempt to clear his name posthumously among his family and friends who may not have been enlightened with the full truth--as a way of honoring your friend and to help find some modicum of healing or closure to this turn of events. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KirstyNicole Posted March 29, 2020 Author Share Posted March 29, 2020 Thank you. I've wrote to my MP asking him to take this up. I know there is a pandemic but he is saying he is still here for other issues. I emptied his flat. He didn't unpack much, it all fitted in the bag he had when he left prison. I did find pictures of me and him, all the letters I wrote to him and we went to a fair years ago and he won us some teddy bears, we each kept one. I honestly thought he hated me, I feel this was him still liking me in some way. All I have of my friend now is a green piece of paper 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 @kirsty. Sympathy. And props to you both for what you did to try to help and for what you planned to do. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 Please accept my sympathy for your loss. This has to be heartbreaking for you. Secondly, I want to thank you for the update. It's not often the OP shares the end result of the problem they share on the forum. Finding your letters and the pictures of you and him must have caused a cascade of emotion. It's obvious he felt you were important in his life even if his values would not allow you to directly assist him. It's my wish that you find peace in the future Kirsty and come to terms with this. It may take you many years to sort this all out but I think that through your actions you have demonstrated your remorse instead of just saying the words and that has to come out on the plus side of life's ledger. A prayer for you and your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
hajk Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 @KirstyNicole, I'm so sorry to hear of your friend passing. With deepest sympathy, so sorry for your loss. May his soul rest in peace. Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 20 hours ago, KirstyNicole said: I did find pictures of me and him, all the letters I wrote to him and we went to a fair years ago and he won us some teddy bears, we each kept one. I honestly thought he hated me, I feel this was him still liking me in some way. It's clear to me that you held a special place in his heart. I don't think he ever hated you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KirstyNicole Posted March 30, 2020 Author Share Posted March 30, 2020 I let him down though. If I held a special place in his heart he must have been really disappointed in me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 On 3/8/2020 at 2:45 PM, KirstyNicole said: My solicitor did ring me and tell me what had happened with <my ex> .... I know you tried Kirsty, its ok. These words are straight from your friend's mouth. You conveyed your regret and he accepted your apology. I know it's easy to beat yourself up for what happened, but the true perpetrator here was your ex. You had no way of knowing he would plant those drugs on your friend. No one in their right mind could conceive of that. You were just happy he was finally accepting him. Your friend wouldn't want your ex to steal both of your lives by you living in regret and never forgiving yourself for this. Link to post Share on other sites
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