Obese husband upset because I don't desire him

[fifib]

What to do? My husband is obese and it is a constant source of tension between us because I find it such a turnoff. It even makes him smell different. When we married we were both fit and trim. We have been married for more than 20 years, are now in our 60s/70s and have our share of wrinkles and grey hair and that's just fine. I am maybe 10lbs heavier but not overweight, he is clinically obese. He does go to the gym but never loses any weight. He says that he is comfortable with his body and wants me to accept him as he is but I don't see how I can somehow think myself into being attracted and sexually responsive to him. I feel upset and cheated because (without getting too detailed) sex is no good when you're not hot. I don't know what to do. Nagging only makes it worse and he is upset because I don't desire him. So we are at a standoff. Ideas, anyone?

[standtall]

Work out with him, otherwise honor the oath you swore and contract you signed 20 yrs ago.

[basil67]

You married him for better and for worse. You can either honor that vow or leave. The choice is yours.

[fifib]

yes but the biggest issue is that he thinks I should desire him. That's where the tension lies. He is a good person and I could deal with it all if we could get a mutual understanding that the obesity gets in the way of desire.

[fifib]

I do other exercise and don't need to work out at the gym. He works out but overeats. Working out is not the issue.

[elaine567]

yes but the biggest issue is that he thinks I should desire him. That's where the tension lies. He is a good person and I could deal with it all if we could get a mutual understanding that the obesity gets in the way of desire.

 

 

If you love him and he is a good man then fake it. The boost to his ego may be exactly what he needs to get him motivated.

[4fin]

Diet together. My wife and I do that and it keeps both of us motivated. I think exercise is way over rated for weight loss. You can consume 3-4 hours worth of exercise in 15 minutes with a straw and fork. Low carb worked for us. You feel full and can still run calorie deficits. I'd go as far to say that 90% of weight loss is diet. For being healthy it may be 50/50 diet/exercise but for straight up weight loss diet can't be beaten. Good luck.

[losangelena]

I have a feeling that if a man had come here saying the same about his wife, somehow the advice would be different, a lot of "she's not honoring her vows" type talk.

 

OP, I don't know what to tell you. You have a fundamental disagreement about his gut. Where is there to go from here?

[Happy Lemming]

What to do? My husband is obese and it is a constant source of tension between us because I find it such a turnoff.

 

Do you think his doctor would consider him obese?? If so, frame your weight loss request in such a way that you are concerned about his long term health. Being obese can cause a whole host of medical issues, possible high blood pressure, possible high cholesterol, possible elevated sugar levels and the list goes on and on.

 

Tell him you love him and want him around for many years.

[elaine567]

Diet together. My wife and I do that and it keeps both of us motivated. I think exercise is way over rated for weight loss. You can consume 3-4 hours worth of exercise in 15 minutes with a straw and fork. Low carb worked for us. You feel full and can still run calorie deficits. I'd go as far to say that 90% of weight loss is diet. For being healthy it may be 50/50 diet/exercise but for straight up weight loss diet can't be beaten. Good luck.

He is a 60-70 y o man, if dieting was his thing, he would not be obese in the first place, I guess he enjoys his food and drink too much and exercise when that old is a lot more difficult especially if he has not been a life long exercise enthusiast.

He will find it impossible to exercise enough to cover a normal calorie intake, never mind lose weight. That is why he never loses anything significant.

He thus probably needs to be on a severe calorie restricted diet and that is hell to maintain for the time needed to shift the pounds.

[DKT3]

Oh boy, this would be a much different conversation if OP was a male...

 

OP honestly this sounds like a post from a 20 something. At your age I'm sure your husband can pick out things about you that are far less attractive now as opposed to 20 plus years ago.

 

Also, you didn't cheat because of his weight, you cheated because you lack boundaries and respect for your husband and marriage.

[elaine567]

I did not read that as "the OP cheated" but rather that "she feels cheated", but I could be wrong.

[Zapbasket]

I did not read that as "the OP cheated" but rather that "she feels cheated", but I could be wrong.

 

That's how I read it, as well.

 

I have to be honest, I don't know what to advise you, OP. I just wanted to commiserate. Obesity in general really repulses me; when I see very obese people around food I have trouble seeing them eat; I'm not proud of it but it's a visceral thing. I don't know what I'd do if the person I married ended up obese. I'm assuming you really mean "obese" and not just flabby or with a few extra pounds? That's a different thing, if so. Obesity is like a second person hanging off the person you married, in sexual situations. It's like a person who morphed into a rhino. Heavy, mushy, sweaty...no, I'd not be sexually attracted no matter how much I loved the actual person. Maybe that's awful of me, but in the physical realm, someone becoming obese is a huge physical difference.

[losangelena]

That's how I read it, as well.

 

I have to be honest, I don't know what to advise you, OP. I just wanted to commiserate. Obesity in general really repulses me; when I see very obese people around food I have trouble seeing them eat; I'm not proud of it but it's a visceral thing. I don't know what I'd do if the person I married ended up obese. I'm assuming you really mean "obese" and not just flabby or with a few extra pounds? That's a different thing, if so. Obesity is like a second person hanging off the person you married, in sexual situations. It's like a person who morphed into a rhino. Heavy, mushy, sweaty...no, I'd not be sexually attracted no matter how much I loved the actual person. Maybe that's awful of me, but in the physical realm, someone becoming obese is a huge physical difference.

 

The clinical definition of obesity is anyone 30 lbs above what's considered "healthy" BMI for their height, so someone could technically be "obese" without tipping into what you're describing, of having a additional person attached to them. Also, hi, hello, "obese" person here (waves). Nice to know you'd find me repulsive.

[BettyDraper]

Physical attraction is important in a marriage and weight extremes are a turn off most people. I wouldn’t be attracted to my husband if he was obese or extremely skinny.

[DKT3]

I did not read that as "the OP cheated" but rather that "she feels cheated", but I could be wrong.

 

I could have gotten the wrong impression as well after reading it again..maybe OP can clear it up.

[DKT3]

Physical attraction is important in a marriage and weight extremes are a turn off most people. I wouldn’t be attracted to my husband if he was obese or extremely skinny.

 

I agree, just saying stones and glass houses. The human body changes with age no matter what your conditioning level. I'm guessing as a 60 plus year old woman hers isnt a 30 year old body. Nor should it be.

[Zapbasket]

The clinical definition of obesity is anyone 30 lbs above what's considered "healthy" BMI for their height, so someone could technically be "obese" without tipping into what you're describing, of having a additional person attached to them. Also, hi, hello, "obese" person here (waves). Nice to know you'd find me repulsive.

 

I knew I'd get a response like this. I mean no disrespect towards you or anyone; I'm describing feelings I have deep down that in no way affect how I'd treat you if LoveShack were an in-person forum and we were sitting across a table from each other at lunch time. I'm sure I'd enjoy your company and I'd never treat you any differently for being obese. One of the reasons I enjoy watching the show, "This is Us," is because I empathize with Chrissy Metz--both her as an actress and the character she plays. I'm talking about deeper feelings I harbor about obesity and judgments I am aware I have, perhaps unfairly, but I doubt I'm alone in those feelings. I'd never shame, make fun of, or otherwise ruin the day of any obese person, and that coexists with some judgements and visceral responses I have that I seek to understand in order to cultivate my overall compassion. Compassion is a practice, not a state of being.

 

With the OP, we're talking the physical act of sex. Sex with someone who is "obese" even by the stricter definition you provided feels different from sex with someone who just has a few extra pounds, and some people might not like that feeling. I think Chrissy Metz has a beautiful face and personality, but I wouldn't want to see her in a bikini--and I'm a woman, attracted to men. If I did, to be totally honest I'd probably have a moment of morbid fascination, and then I'd be over it. Bodies are just bodies, in the end. But we don't have to have sex with all body types, and we don't have to want to, and our preferences are perfectly fine. Sexual attraction waxes and wanes even when we love someone, and even when that person looks "great," whatever that means to different people...so to me it's no surprise or "immoral" thing for someone to lose sexual attraction for her spouse when he puts on excessive amounts of weight.

 

I hope that cleared it up somewhat. I'm truly sorry if I hurt your feelings.

Edited October 21, 2018 by GreenCove

[Mr. Lucky]

In 35 years of marriage and over the course of 3 kids, my wife has gained 50 lbs. Do I wish she weighed less? Sure, for a number of reasons, health included. But do I love all of her? You bet I do, in a conscious, mindful and proactive way.

 

 

Sexy is as sexy does. Especially at my age …

 

 

Mr. Lucky

[fifib]

yes that's exactly what I mean. BMI well over 30 which is clinically obese. Not quite morbidly obese which tips in at BMI 35.

Trust me, I would be thrilled with 'flabby with a few extra lbs'.

And yes I fake it sometimes but that makes it worse in that it validates that he is OK as he is. Attraction is a visceral, biological thing and I think it's to do with 'man shape' which a gut really changes.

And yes I FEEL cheated and no I have NOT cheated although I have been tempted.

Because fundamentally I love him and I want him to be healthy. The doctor has told him to lose weight (and told me that he told him) but he doesn't remember the conversation so is in some kind of denial. Aaargh.

[fifib]

Of course it's not a 30 year old body, it's a 63 year old post menopausal body with flabby and saggy bits but I look after it, I have a waist, it's normal weight and he finds it wildly attractive.

[Happy Lemming]

Because fundamentally I love him and I want him to be healthy. The doctor has told him to lose weight (and told me that he told him) but he doesn't remember the conversation so is in some kind of denial. Aaargh.

 

Do you know any of his other numbers?? Blood pressure?? Cholesterol Levels?? Blood Sugar?? If you can get your hands on his test result numbers, you can easily provide him with evidence on how living at a healthy weight and eating a proper diet increases the longevity of the human body.

 

Again, you can explain that you do love him and want him around for many years to come.

 

How do you think he would react to a vegetarian diet??

[BettyDraper]

I agree, just saying stones and glass houses. The human body changes with age no matter what your conditioning level. I'm guessing as a 60 plus year old woman hers isnt a 30 year old body. Nor should it be.

 

Some changes can be mitigated with exercise, diet, skin care etc.

 

My father is 68 years old and quite healthy for his age. He walks, rides his bike, and follows a vegetarian diet.

 

It doesn't seem like the OP's husband is making any effort to be healthy and that's unfair to both of them.

[JuneL]

I have a good friend who has been obese most of her adult life. By the BMI standard, she’s “just” obese but not morbidly obese. I spent a couple of months exchanging food logs with her and she managed to lose a reasonable amount of weight. I understand it’s extremely hard for someone who has had a very unhealthy relationship with foods most of her adult life to TRY to eat healthy:”; so at the end, we mutually decided not to continue. A few observations from this experience:

-Unless you have some condition affecting your metabolism, you don’t get the extra weight out of nothing;

-In order to maintain her obese body, the amount and types of foods she ate were quite appalling to me at first;

-She didn’t want to know what constitutes healthy eating, as it would mean she had to change her eating habits dramatically.

At the end of the day, she has to want to do it badly herself. Picking up the basic knowledge of healthy eating is pretty straightforward.

[fifib]

He is 71 years old, goes to the gym 5 times a week if he can and rides a bike. He likes exercise; that's not the problem. Odd combination I know but for his weight he is probably as fit as he can be. His diet is the issue. He would react extremely badly to a vegetarian diet. I continually try to reduce the meat we eat but he does most of the shopping and cooking and keeps serving it up. He is retired, I work. Yes I know his blood test readings. He is on blood pressure medication and will go on statins soon if he doesn't lose 20lbs. He has a couple of other medical issues but his blood sugar is fine. Yes of course we have had the conversation about his health but he really doesn't want to lose the weight.

I did start this post by talking about the weight as a turn-off - he desires me and wants sex but what he gets is 'mercy sex' which is not what he wants - but he seems to think the answer lies in my acceptance of him as he is - and maybe I'm shallow but it's not something I have control of - I just don't find him sexually attractive any more - his shape or the smell which goes with it. So we are at an impasse.

Edited October 22, 2018 by fifib