Obese husband upset because I don't desire him

[Mr. Lucky]

his shape or the smell which goes with it.

 

 

I don't think there's normally a smell that goes along with being 50 lbs overweight.

 

 

I'd guess fifib, he looks at you through "love goggles", obscuring the wrinkles, saggy bits and crepey skin. Too bad you don't see him the same way...

 

 

Mr. Lucky

[fifib]

Yes I'm sure he does Mr Lucky. Although his love goggles don't have to work so hard because I have kept myself in shape. And I wish I could find a way to make those love goggles work the same way. And yes, when you live in a tropical climate being heavier means more sweat and smell.

You are indeed Mr Lucky

[BaileyB]

Well, you certainly have the right to be concerned about his health and even to be unhappy with his physical appearance...

 

I feel upset and cheated because (without getting too detailed) sex is no good when you're not hot.

 

Your husband is 71 years old.

 

My father is 71 years old. He is very active - still working, loves to golf, and travels often. He also had three stents put in a few years ago. Beside his heart surgery, he is otherwise in good health. We have been very blessed, we lost my mother six years ago to cancer.

 

I can't imagine his partner complaining that the sex is not good because he is not "hot" anymore.

 

I would hope, when I am 71 years old, that my partner won't be complaining about the fact that they are not sexually attracted to me anymore. Having shared a life together, I would like to think that physical appearance and sex appeal (or lack there-of) would not be the thing most valued by my partner in my later years...

Edited October 22, 2018 by BaileyB

[bathtub-row]

Not having sex with him should be his first clue that he's turning you off. Stop discussing it with him, stop having sex with him, and let him figure it out for himself. However, I will say that age has a huge effect on weight and the ability to lose weight. You should factor that in and not be so hard on him.

[healing light]

Diet together. My wife and I do that and it keeps both of us motivated. I think exercise is way over rated for weight loss. You can consume 3-4 hours worth of exercise in 15 minutes with a straw and fork. Low carb worked for us. You feel full and can still run calorie deficits. I'd go as far to say that 90% of weight loss is diet. For being healthy it may be 50/50 diet/exercise but for straight up weight loss diet can't be beaten. Good luck.

 

People completely underestimate diet and overestimate the effects of exercise for weight loss. Diet is at least 80% of the equation. It doesn't sound like lack of exercise is his issue, either. Since he likes his meat, if he is open to dietary changes, I highly recommend going low carb like paleo or keto. I am a thin woman but I have never been able to get away with eating what most people eat (endocrine issues). Clean, low carb eating is the way to go for me and I think it works for most generally speaking. I would start with substitutions, getting higher quality meats that are grass-fed, adding vegetables, reducing carbs over time if he's not someone who takes to big changes. Get rid of the easy things first like if he has a soda habit (ironically diet soda is especially bad for weight) or otherwise consumes nutritionally empty foods.

 

However, at the end of the day you can't force him to make changes that he doesn't want to make. Even though you've been married a long period of time, I think the amount of weight gain you are describing would be difficult for many people to accommodate, especially if he smells as you say he does. First I would rule out any medical issue and then I suggest trying to come to a mutual understanding with a therapist on this issue, as I wouldn't be keen on throwing away this long of a marriage without exploring all available options.

[fifib]

BaileyB, the it wouldn't be an issue if my husband didn't feel upset that I struggled with physical attraction to him. But he wants a very active sexual relationship, ideally with me initiating sex because I can't keep my hands off him. That is something I have difficulty with given what I have described. If he wants that, he has to be in half decent shape so that the physical magic which we used to have can return. I miss that too by the way even though I love him and we have in other respects a good relationship which I not prepared to throw away.

[stillafool]

Have you tried cooking him low fat meals? Don't stock the cabinets with any high fat foods or junk foods. Just don't buy it and throw out any he buys. You have to help him as he doesn't seem strong enough to do it on his own.

[David33]

Eat less garbage food. Exercising will speed the process but food intake is the number one way to lose weight. If he's already obese it will take a long time. If he won't eat better, i would leave.

[bathtub-row]

I think the biggest problem here is that you husband thinks he has the right to tell you what you should and should not think and feel. What you find attractive is your taste and he has no right to force the issue. I can see him being saddened or upset about it, but his insistence and attitude about it in general reeks of control and disrespect. I’d be very surprised if you said this is a new dynamic in your relationship.

[beatcuff]

...He says that he is comfortable with his body and wants me to accept him as he is... Ideas, anyone?

how did everyone miss this? he is fine/happy with it. and has chosen his happiness over yours. the hard truth OP there is nothing you can do. the problem is yours and yours alone. and i doubt anything will work but will suggest:

 

have the 'talk'. he needs to know in no uncertain terms your issue. find a quiet moment, do not interrupt his favorite show, no alcohol. do not say 'you are fat' (he'll get defensive) rather in your best stoic/dead affect pose and voice 'i fear i am no longer attracted to you'. then shut up, let him do all the talking. if he says nothing, walk away. hopefully the point will resonate as most men are wired to do something when this happens.

 

go to his next doctors appointment. don't mention the 'f' word rather discuss his 'tests' cholesterol, blood sugar, high blood pressure. ask what can be done. doc with say 'lose weight', say 'that is not happening what else do you suggest' (now you are on H side), hopefully the doc will say 'eat better'. which leads to ---

 

diets will not work because he will think he is missing something. but that does not mean you can't 'nudge it'. make slightly smaller portions, this means no leftovers. not so they are really noticeable. one less scoop of potatoes one more of the veggies. continue this over months. spice it up. adding spices to the right food may get him to eat that more. i absolutely hated broccoli. turns out it was the lack of flavor (not enough salt, pepper and garlic) that turned me against it. experiment: i sweeten my risotto by adding relish. don't be fearful of fat. yes it appears counter intuitive but adding some bacon to green beans will add favor with overall fewer calories. do not be afraid of big breakfasts, and think oatmeal. this should curb mid-morning cravings and might reduce the lunch size. lastly does he have a favorite fruit? have that cut up and offer it up between meals. nudge it 'this was on sale', 'eat it before it goes bad'.

 

good luck.

[stillafool]

It's interesting that when men complain their wives are overweight we instruct them to just suck it up and to not hurt her feelings, help her work out, help her eat better. Yet, when it's a woman complaining about her fat husband he is the selfish one for not getting himself in shape.

[elaine567]

...make slightly smaller portions, this means no leftovers. not so they are really noticeable. one less scoop of potatoes one more of the veggies. continue this over months. spice it up. adding spices to the right food may get him to eat that more.

 

I know it is still "the norm" to assume the wife does all the cooking but not here.

 

He would react extremely badly to a vegetarian diet. I continually try to reduce the meat we eat but he does most of the shopping and cooking and keeps serving it up..

[BaileyB]

I think the biggest problem here is that you husband thinks he has the right to tell you what you should and should not think and feel. What you find attractive is your taste and he has no right to force the issue. I can see him being saddened or upset about it, but his insistence and attitude about it in general reeks of control and disrespect.

 

Respectfully, is she not doing the exact same thing though...

 

He is happy and he has no problem with his weight. Is she not trying to tell him that he should have a problem with it, such that he should want to change?

 

OP, you have a right to feel how you feel. If you are truly not attracted to him, then you have the choice not initiate sex. It is a natural consequence for him. He will then have to decide if he is willing to maintain a healthier weight if he wants to have sex.

 

My only word of advice for you - just be sure that your expectations are reasonable. As we age, bodies change and the weight can be more difficult to lose. Be kind to him, he is your life partner.

Edited October 22, 2018 by BaileyB

[bathtub-row]

Respectfully, is she not doing the exact same thing though...

 

He is happy and he has no problem with his weight. Is she not trying to tell him that he should have a problem with it, such that he should want to change?

 

OP, you have a right to feel how you feel. If you are truly not attracted to him, then you have the choice not initiate sex. It is a natural consequence for him. He will then have to decide if he is willing to maintain a healthier weight if he wants to have sex.

 

My only word of advice for you - just be sure that your expectations are reasonable. As we age, bodies change and the weight can be more difficult to lose. Be kind to him, he is your life partner.

 

But that’s exactly the problem - he’s trying to force sex on her.

[BaileyB]

But that’s exactly the problem - he’s trying to force sex on her.

 

I don’t agree. Again, respectfully, I think using the word “force” is a little extreme.

[standtall]

It's interesting that when men complain their wives are overweight we instruct them to just suck it up and to not hurt her feelings, help her work out, help her eat better. Yet, when it's a woman complaining about her fat husband he is the selfish one for not getting himself in shape.

 

Yep, the old double standard. I love the one with the poster said to shut it all down and let him figure it out....great communication and marital advice...not. I also love the posters with multiple divorces on here giving marital advice as well...

 

OP, do your best to say 'who is with me", and try to get him up to snuff. Sometimes we spouses need a little boost from our other half.

[bathtub-row]

Yep, the old double standard. I love the one with the poster said to shut it all down and let him figure it out....great communication and marital advice...not. I also love the posters with multiple divorces on here giving marital advice as well...

 

OP, do your best to say 'who is with me", and try to get him up to snuff. Sometimes we spouses need a little boost from our other half.

 

They have talked this out and when a person persists in their point of view and refuses to entertain any other perspective, it’s time to stop beating your head against the wall and let them figure it out. Yes, there comes a point where actions speak far louder than words. Arguing about it is only creating more tension and getting them nowhere. She thinks he’s gross and he thinks he’s just fine. Not only that, he thinks she has no right to feel that way about him and should get over it. This is not a reasonable person.

[alphamale]

So we are at a standoff. Ideas, anyone?

 

accept his weight or get a divorce...

[Zapbasket]

For all the people calling out a "double standard" in this situation, it's really not. Women are held in our society to the air-brushed model sex-pot images seen in magazines and on billboards. They aren't allowed body hair except a luxurious and well-tended mane on their heads; if they drift upward from a Size 2 or 4 they're "letting themselves go"; a little bit of cellulite is "gross"; their vaginas should taste like fresh peaches; and never bothering with makeup, at minimum lip gloss, is seen as "unfeminine" and "doesn't she care about her appearance." Women can't even have hair on places like their buttholes, for Pete's sake. And B.O.? Forget it.

 

Men get a LOT more leeway. They can have hair everywhere--even ear hair; their hair-covered balls can be muskier than a grizzly bear's fur; they can be bald or balding; they don't have to wear any makeup or even chapstick to keep their lips from being crusty and dry; they don't have to think about manicures or pedicures; they can have a jiggly beer belly; they can never have a "leg day"; they can leave their stank sweaty hockey equipment out in the foyer and stench up the house for days.

 

There are men with ALL of these things going on and their girlfriends and wives still will find them hot. Women, on the other hand, would end up the feature of spooky Halloween talk in the gym men's locker room. "She was wearing a cropped shirt with a muffin top jiggling around as she danced and I was like, sh*t, I don't wanna look at that," the dude with excessive back hair and a beer gut so big it looks like he's having quintuplets will say.

 

So no, it's not a double standard. Now, THAT SAID:

 

OP, to keep this from turning into a massive roadblock that could kill your marriage, could you let your imagination get super-active during sex? As in, instead of focusing on how he looks or how his body feels on/against yours, focus on how he's stimulating you. Basically, try to get better at compartmentalizing. Close your eyes more and focus on the sensations. If body odor is an issue, keep a bottle of essential oil on hand so you can dot some on your nostrils before an encounter. Divide him up into parts in your mind, and focus on the parts you like. Does he have a nice pee-pee? Luckily (or not, lol) genitals don't change size when a person gains or loses weight. Hyper-focus on it in your mind to let it turn you on. Same if you've always loved his earlobes, or those long second toes, or his soft lips or beautiful hands. Love on those parts. And nothing's wrong or insulting with closing your eyes and imagining the fitter, hotter version of your husband making love to you, or heck, some hot Imaginary Man named Sergio or whatever.

 

Basically, it's doing some conscious work to shift your attitude, the same as you might do with another situation, say at work or some such. It won't fix the issue, but it won't crush his self-esteem. You have a lot going for you right now in that he thinks you're hot stuff and wants you and wants sex and wants to do the grocery shopping and cooking and all in all he sounds like a good man. I just don't think you'll get very far if he ends up feeling unloved and under appreciated even if your feelings are PERFECTLY JUSTIFIED.

 

Could you try that?

[BaileyB]

accept his weight or get a divorce...

 

Or, settle into a sexless marriage - which is not apparently what either partner wants, but it’s a very real possibility unless there is movement on one side or the other.

 

He doesn’t see a problem with his weight. You can’t force him to change, he has to make that decision himself. And, if he decides that he does not want to change it, there is very little that you can do. Accept it and have sex/or don’t have sex, or leave.

[bathtub-row]

Or, settle into a sexless marriage - which is not apparently what either partner wants, but it’s a very real possibility unless there is movement on one side or the other.

 

He doesn’t see a problem with his weight. You can’t force him to change, he has to make that decision himself. And, if he decides that he does not want to change it, there is very little that you can do. Accept it and have sex/or don’t have sex, or leave.

 

...or challenge him to find a partner who DOES think he’s hot.

[Mr. Lucky]

he’s trying to force sex on her.

 

Please indicate where she said that was the case.

 

Does he want to have sex with his wife? Sure, and hope no one is blaming or shaming him for that.

 

Obesity in general really repulses me; when I see very obese people around food I have trouble seeing them eat; I'm not proud of it but it's a visceral thing. I don't know what I'd do if the person I married ended up obese.

 

It might be time to interject a little science:

 

For 60 years, doctors and researchers have known two things that could have improved, or even saved, millions of lives. The first is that diets do not work. Not just paleo or Atkins or Weight Watchers or Goop, but all diets. Since 1959, research has shown that 95 to 98 percent of attempts to lose weight fail and that two-thirds of dieters gain back more than they lost. The reasons are biological and irreversible. As early as 1969, research showed that losing just 3 percent of your body weight resulted in a 17 percent slowdown in your metabolism—a body-wide starvation response that blasts you with hunger hormones and drops your internal temperature until you rise back to your highest weight. Keeping weight off means fighting your body’s energy-regulation system and battling hunger all day, every day, for the rest of your life.

 

According to AMERICAN JOURNAL OF PUBLIC HEALTH, 2015, the chances of a woman classified as obese achieving a “normal” weight: 0.8%

 

Interesting (long) read:

 

https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/everything-you-know-about-obesity-is-wrong/

 

So it's not quite so simple as "why doesn't he push himself away from the table"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

Please indicate where she said that was the case.

 

Does he want to have sex with his wife? Sure, and hope no one is blaming or shaming him for that.

 

 

 

It might be time to interject a little science:

 

For 60 years, doctors and researchers have known two things that could have improved, or even saved, millions of lives. The first is that diets do not work. Not just paleo or Atkins or Weight Watchers or Goop, but all diets. Since 1959, research has shown that 95 to 98 percent of attempts to lose weight fail and that two-thirds of dieters gain back more than they lost. The reasons are biological and irreversible. As early as 1969, research showed that losing just 3 percent of your body weight resulted in a 17 percent slowdown in your metabolism—a body-wide starvation response that blasts you with hunger hormones and drops your internal temperature until you rise back to your highest weight. Keeping weight off means fighting your body’s energy-regulation system and battling hunger all day, every day, for the rest of your life.

 

According to AMERICAN JOURNAL OF PUBLIC HEALTH, 2015, the chances of a woman classified as obese achieving a “normal” weight: 0.8%

 

Interesting (long) read:

 

https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/everything-you-know-about-obesity-is-wrong/

 

So it's not quite so simple as "why doesn't he push himself away from the table"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I based that on the way she’s describing how he’s completely ignoring how she feels about him; very insistent about her having sex with him instead of showing any empathy about her point of view. Continually coercing and getting her to give in, even expecting her to initiate - despite her distaste for him - is a form of forcing. I never said there was anything wrong with a spouse wanting sex from their spouse. There’s not necessarily anything wrong with him being overweight either. What is wrong is that he refuses to acknowledge her feelings about the whole thing.

[Zapbasket]

Please indicate where she said that was the case.

 

Does he want to have sex with his wife? Sure, and hope no one is blaming or shaming him for that.

 

 

 

It might be time to interject a little science:

 

For 60 years, doctors and researchers have known two things that could have improved, or even saved, millions of lives. The first is that diets do not work. Not just paleo or Atkins or Weight Watchers or Goop, but all diets. Since 1959, research has shown that 95 to 98 percent of attempts to lose weight fail and that two-thirds of dieters gain back more than they lost. The reasons are biological and irreversible. As early as 1969, research showed that losing just 3 percent of your body weight resulted in a 17 percent slowdown in your metabolism—a body-wide starvation response that blasts you with hunger hormones and drops your internal temperature until you rise back to your highest weight. Keeping weight off means fighting your body’s energy-regulation system and battling hunger all day, every day, for the rest of your life.

 

According to AMERICAN JOURNAL OF PUBLIC HEALTH, 2015, the chances of a woman classified as obese achieving a “normal” weight: 0.8%

 

Interesting (long) read:

 

https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/everything-you-know-about-obesity-is-wrong/

 

So it's not quite so simple as "why doesn't he push himself away from the table"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Are you sure you meant me, and my statement you quoted, as the person you're responding to? I didn't say anything about how he should go about losing weight. I just said I understand the OP's lack of attraction because I find the rampant obesity in our society vaguely repulsive. I admit I do have a hard time seeing a huge person digging into a bag of chips, or biting into a hamburger, or an obese friend of mine who so desperately wants to lose weight but then orders food at restaurants I wouldn't dream of ordering (things in cream sauce, massive sandwiches, etc.), and in quantities that would make most people sick if they ate it. I never say anything because it's not my place, and I feel bad for my judgment of her, but when I see her eat like that I think, "And you wonder why you never lose any weight?" That's not "metabolism," it's choices. It's an overly indulgent attitude about food--you do NOT need to finish off every dinner with dessert. Most non-obese people don't have a rich dessert after dinner; it's a big reason why they're not obese. I love french fries, ice cream, chips--but I limit how often I eat any of that because I feel a responsibility to myself to take care of my body. I do have a problem with people eating whatever, whenever, then being so upset that they are so huge, and then feeling angry when society or their spouses, etc., do not find them attractive.

 

I do know that it's easy for me to judge because I don't have a problem with food or weight and never have. I have other problems, no doubt, that others might judge because they don't share those problems. So I get that it's not an easy course at all to lose weight, especially when someone has tipped over into the obese category. And I get that it's painful to live in a world that judges us on outward appearances. I do have compassion for people struggling with obesity...but I also have compassion for people like OP, who have to stand by and watch the health train wreck obesity causes and can't say anything because it's "judgmental." And I'm just saying, well, yeah. If you don't want to monitor what you eat, then expect that there will be unpleasant consequences--to your health, your social life, and your sex life.

Edited October 22, 2018 by GreenCove

[bathtub-row]

I’ve seen enough people lose weight to know that it can be done. I think there are two majors factors to the overweight epidemic in our society - processed foods and medications. Both of those things have increased dramatically over the past 20 years or so, and we see something that we rarely saw years ago - overweight young people.