Obese husband upset because I don't desire him

[Mr. Lucky]

It's an overly indulgent attitude about food--you do NOT need to finish off every dinner with dessert. Most non-obese people don't have a rich dessert after dinner; it's a big reason why they're not obese.

 

A common misconception and the reason I quoted you originally. Genetics and other non-diet factors are the reason many non-obese people aren't obese, two people can have the same exercise/diet profile and two very different weight outcomes. The idea that all obese people are gluttons has no scientific validity.

 

Healthy eating and exercise are good for all us. Obesity isn't de facto proof that one person pays any less attention to that than someone else...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited October 22, 2018 by Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

A common misconception and the reason I quoted you originally. Genetics and other non-diet factors are the reason many non-obese people aren't obese, two people can have the same exercise/diet profile and two very different weight outcomes. The idea that all obese people are gluttons has no scientific validity.

 

Healthy eating and exercise are good for all us. Obesity isn't de facto proof that one person pays any less attention to that than someone else...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree with this. It’s not all about calories in and calories out. There are a lot of factors as to why people gain weight. In OP’s husband’s case, it may be tied to the medication he’s taking.

[JuneL]

A common misconception and the reason I quoted you originally. Genetics and other non-diet factors are the reason many non-obese people aren't obese, two people can have the same exercise/diet profile and two very different weight outcomes. The idea that all obese people are gluttons has no scientific validity.

 

Healthy eating and exercise are good for all us. Obesity isn't de facto proof that one person pays any less attention to that than someone else...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think obesity is at least partly genetic in the sense that it’s much harder for those who have been obese most of their adult lives to change their very unhealthy eating habits; it’s a form of addiction. From my own observations, most (certainly not all) obese individuals tend to consume a huge amount of food and tend to love bad foods. The good news is, it doesn’t sound like the OP’s husband has been obese most of his adult life.

[Zapbasket]

Okay, but regardless of how OP's husband became obese, whether by fault of medications, dietary choices, etc., the fact is that OP loves her husband but finds his excessive weight a sexual turn-off to where now having sex with him is a chore. So what can be done?

 

My hunch is that if the husband really wanted to, he COULD lose the weight. His "can't" really sounds like "won't," because he's stuck on the idea that his wife SHOULD be attracted to him sexually no matter what size he is.

 

But she's not attracted. Would a marriage counselor or IC for OP help them find a middle ground? I imagine this kind of problem occurs when people have been disfigured in an accident, or lost a limb--I'd imagine that not everyone who is a sexual partner of someone to whom this has happened is always able to overlook the changes, even though they love their partner very much. It must really suck, but I'd imagine it happens.

 

Or what about changing sexual positions? If before you did a lot of missionary, what about reverse cowgirl, or doggie, where you don't have to accommodate so much to his body's girth?

[Blanco]

A swing of 10-20 pounds over the course of a relationship really shouldn't be a deal-breaker. What I think constitutes a deal-breaker is when you've put on enough weight where it changes how you SMELL, which is what the OP suggests has happened to her husband.

 

Man or woman, I think you owe it to yourself and your partner not to let your weight radically alter outside of something like pregnancy or a legit medical illness. Anything else is just laziness and, on some level, taking advantage of the fact that your partner has committed themselves to be monogamous with you.

[4fin]

I agree with this. It’s not all about calories in and calories out. There are a lot of factors as to why people gain weight. In OP’s husband’s case, it may be tied to the medication he’s taking.

 

I'm not trying to pick on you or Mr. Lucky at all but it is all about calories in and calories out. Can either of you explain to me how you can take in less calories than you burn and gain weight? I don't disagree losing weight is difficult and that there are multiple factors at play but to run a calorie deficit and not lose weight is impossible. Body fat is nothing more than stored energy. When you burn more than you take in you will dip into your stored energy and burn fat.

 

I did not read Mr. Lucky's medical journal but I did pull up a chart on obesity in the US and it has shot up. I am 49 and when I was a kid my son's age there were 100 kids in our 6th grade class. We had 3 we thought of as fat. I looked back at the pictures and they would be considered slightly chunky today. Out of 100 kids in my son's group 25-30 are fat and 2 to 3 are in the morbid category. What I did read says diets don't work to lose weight but I can tell you for a fact diets do work to get you fat to start with. It is simply a way of life.

 

Something has fundamentally changed in the last 30 to 40 years in the US at least. The one thing that comes to mind is dietary fat is bad. Since you have 3 choices (protein, fat or carbs) if you take one out you have to supplement it with another. In my opinion we shifted from fats to carbs and the results are nothing short of catastrophic. I may be wrong but we definitely changed our diets and we got fat as a country. It only makes sense that changing our diets would help reverse the trend.

[bathtub-row]

I'm not trying to pick on you or Mr. Lucky at all but it is all about calories in and calories out. Can either of you explain to me how you can take in less calories than you burn and gain weight? I don't disagree losing weight is difficult and that there are multiple factors at play but to run a calorie deficit and not lose weight is impossible. Body fat is nothing more than stored energy. When you burn more than you take in you will dip into your stored energy and burn fat.

 

I did not read Mr. Lucky's medical journal but I did pull up a chart on obesity in the US and it has shot up. I am 49 and when I was a kid my son's age there were 100 kids in our 6th grade class. We had 3 we thought of as fat. I looked back at the pictures and they would be considered slightly chunky today. Out of 100 kids in my son's group 25-30 are fat and 2 to 3 are in the morbid category. What I did read says diets don't work to lose weight but I can tell you for a fact diets do work to get you fat to start with. It is simply a way of life.

 

Something has fundamentally changed in the last 30 to 40 years in the US at least. The one thing that comes to mind is dietary fat is bad. Since you have 3 choices (protein, fat or carbs) if you take one out you have to supplement it with another. In my opinion we shifted from fats to carbs and the results are nothing short of catastrophic. I may be wrong but we definitely changed our diets and we got fat as a country. It only makes sense that changing our diets would help reverse the trend.

 

It’s extremely possible because I struggled with it several years back. My then husband was amazed that I couldn’t lose weight because I hardly ate anything and I exercised. I’ve since learned that I’m excessively sensitive to processed foods. When our bodies are in defense mode - either through stress, medication, allergies, etc - it will swell and start functioning in ways that cause weight gain. This swelling is particularly bad for us. Processed foods are literally killing us. This is why organic foods have become the focus of many people. Did you know that some foods - even the seeds - are now being genetically altered? Our bodies aren’t meant to take in the amounts of processing that’s now happening to our foods. Cultures that have never had weight and health problems are now experiencing it in much the same way our culture is.

 

I still eat very little and have basically adopted a pattern of intermittent fasting. It’s my preference because my body no longer processes food as quickly as it once did. That’s an age thing. When I was young, it was very difficult for me to gain weight so I’m astounded by the number of overweight young adults I see today. Many doctors have proven that calories in and calories out is not an accurate measure.

[basil67]

BaileyB, the it wouldn't be an issue if my husband didn't feel upset that I struggled with physical attraction to him. But he wants a very active sexual relationship, ideally with me initiating sex because I can't keep my hands off him. That is something I have difficulty with given what I have described. If he wants that, he has to be in half decent shape so that the physical magic which we used to have can return. I miss that too by the way even though I love him and we have in other respects a good relationship which I not prepared to throw away.

 

Ah, this puts a different spin on things. I was thinking that you were the one wanting him to change....but it's him who wants you to be sexually attracted to him despite the weight. I can see why this isn't working for you.

 

I really have no suggestions other than to keep being honest about how you feel. If he tells you your feelings are wrong, then agree that it may well be the case, but you feel what you feel and it's not about to change.

[Mr. Lucky]

I did not read Mr. Lucky's medical journal but I did pull up a chart on obesity in the US and it has shot up. I am 49 and when I was a kid my son's age there were 100 kids in our 6th grade class. We had 3 we thought of as fat. I looked back at the pictures and they would be considered slightly chunky today. Out of 100 kids in my son's group 25-30 are fat and 2 to 3 are in the morbid category. What I did read says diets don't work to lose weight but I can tell you for a fact diets do work to get you fat to start with. It is simply a way of life.

 

I don't disagree with your anecdotal assessment, my point is simply this - the visible nature of obesity makes it easy for people to assume certain things about those that struggle with weight, including their partners. They must be lazy, lacking in self-control, poor self-esteem, uncaring about other's feelings, self-centered, etc. In this thread, they've been called "repulsive".

 

Of the 100 kids in your son's class, many more than 25-30 will get cancer or heart disease, much of that driven by lifestyle choices. And yet somehow those people are merely misfortunate, while the obese are willfully self-destructive. It's an interesting distinction.

 

At the end of the day, regardless of size, there's a person in there. Hope we all keep that in mind...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited October 22, 2018 by Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

There is no way you can eat tiny portions of food and not lose weight. It starts with portion sizes and eliminating some carbs.

[Zapbasket]

 

At the end of the day, regardless of size, there's a person in there. Hope we all keep that in mind...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

There most certainly is and I don't think anyone in this thread is NOT keeping that paramount. Including me, who dared admit that really fat people kind-of gross me out (I'm talking really fat, like, 100+ extra pounds). And in most social situations, it's hopefully easy for most of us to treat a fat person as the person they are. That's how it should be.

 

But then there's the sexual realm which is what this OP struggles with. Your looks are the gateway to that person in there, and it's just a fact that for many people, obesity is not sexually attractive.

 

So what is one to do when their spouse becomes obese? Either you have to find ways to stay attracted using the powers of imagination, or you have to just agree no longer to have sex which generally means the relationship won't last, or the obese partner will have to figure out a way to get his or her weight down and as you and others have pointed out, that is easier said than done.

 

So, regarding the OP, is this just an impasse? Is there anything that the OP can do on her end, if we accept that it's perfectly understandable if she no longer feels sexually attracted to her husband because he has grown obese?

 

Note: OP isn't saying she no longer LOVES her husband; she's saying she's no longer sexually attracted to him.That happens in marriages even when it's not obesity that's the culprit. She's not discounting her husband's person, the person inside; she's discounting the package that person currently comes in. And unfortunately the two can't be separated.

[alphamale]

There is no way you can eat tiny portions of food and not lose weight. It starts with portion sizes and eliminating some carbs.

 

plus daily exercise stillafool

[fifib]

how did everyone miss this? he is fine/happy with it. and has chosen his happiness over yours. the hard truth OP there is nothing you can do. the problem is yours and yours alone. and i doubt anything will work but will suggest:

 

have the 'talk'. he needs to know in no uncertain terms your issue. find a quiet moment, do not interrupt his favorite show, no alcohol. do not say 'you are fat' (he'll get defensive) rather in your best stoic/dead affect pose and voice 'i fear i am no longer attracted to you'. then shut up, let him do all the talking. if he says nothing, walk away. hopefully the point will resonate as most men are wired to do something when this happens.

 

go to his next doctors appointment. don't mention the 'f' word rather discuss his 'tests' cholesterol, blood sugar, high blood pressure. ask what can be done. doc with say 'lose weight', say 'that is not happening what else do you suggest' (now you are on H side), hopefully the doc will say 'eat better'. which leads to ---

 

diets will not work because he will think he is missing something. but that does not mean you can't 'nudge it'. make slightly smaller portions, this means no leftovers. not so they are really noticeable. one less scoop of potatoes one more of the veggies. continue this over months. spice it up. adding spices to the right food may get him to eat that more. i absolutely hated broccoli. turns out it was the lack of flavor (not enough salt, pepper and garlic) that turned me against it. experiment: i sweeten my risotto by adding relish. don't be fearful of fat. yes it appears counter intuitive but adding some bacon to green beans will add favor with overall fewer calories. do not be afraid of big breakfasts, and think oatmeal. this should curb mid-morning cravings and might reduce the lunch size. lastly does he have a favorite fruit? have that cut up and offer it up between meals. nudge it 'this was on sale', 'eat it before it goes bad'.

 

good luck.

but he is the main cook - I do cook for him but he doesn't like my offerings much even though I think they are tasty because they are lighter with less meat, more pulses, less fat, more salad. He is retired so he generally cooks something when I get in from work. Which is lovely, don't get me wrong. I don't eat the carb part because that works for me. It's a different dynamic from most marriages.

[fifib]

Have you tried cooking him low fat meals? Don't stock the cabinets with any high fat foods or junk foods. Just don't buy it and throw out any he buys. You have to help him as he doesn't seem strong enough to do it on his own.

yes I have - see other reply - but he does most of the cooking so has to make these changes himself.

[fifib]

Please indicate where she said that was the case.

 

Does he want to have sex with his wife? Sure, and hope no one is blaming or shaming him for that.

 

 

 

It might be time to interject a little science:

 

For 60 years, doctors and researchers have known two things that could have improved, or even saved, millions of lives. The first is that diets do not work. Not just paleo or Atkins or Weight Watchers or Goop, but all diets. Since 1959, research has shown that 95 to 98 percent of attempts to lose weight fail and that two-thirds of dieters gain back more than they lost. The reasons are biological and irreversible. As early as 1969, research showed that losing just 3 percent of your body weight resulted in a 17 percent slowdown in your metabolism—a body-wide starvation response that blasts you with hunger hormones and drops your internal temperature until you rise back to your highest weight. Keeping weight off means fighting your body’s energy-regulation system and battling hunger all day, every day, for the rest of your life.

 

According to AMERICAN JOURNAL OF PUBLIC HEALTH, 2015, the chances of a woman classified as obese achieving a “normal” weight: 0.8%

 

Interesting (long) read:

 

https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/everything-you-know-about-obesity-is-wrong/

 

So it's not quite so simple as "why doesn't he push himself away from the table"...

 

Mr. Lucky

sure it's tough Mr Lucky. But look at some of the gut bacteria science which is becoming more established - processed food and sugar are key factors and just as important as straight calories. But this isn't a weight loss forum, there are plenty of other places for that.

[Happy Lemming]

sure it's tough Mr Lucky. But look at some of the gut bacteria science which is becoming more established - processed food and sugar are key factors and just as important as straight calories.

 

Last year this time, my doctor told me to lose 25 pounds and cut the crap out of my diet or he'd have to put me on cholesterol medication.

 

That was all I needed to hear. I changed my diet and got up at 5:30am every morning and walked for 60-90 minutes. In about 4 months I lost the 25 pounds and lowered my cholesterol. I've kept the weight off (actually lost 32 pounds total) and I switched from walking to riding my bicycle, which I like better.

 

Every time I thought about sleeping in or cheating on my diet, I heard my doctor's words ringing in my ears. I didn't want to take medication for something that was fixable.

 

Is weight loss easy, no... but it can be done. You just have to commit to it, cut out the junk, eat more veggies and exercise every day. I'm sorry your husband doesn't want change his diet. It seems he doesn't want to do it for you or his long term health.

[bathtub-row]

There’s a documentary on Netflix where these people do an autopsy on an overweight person. They discuss what they’re doing and what the excess fat had done to the person’s organs. I never truly understood the dangers of obesity until I watched that show. Maybe your husband should watch it.

[georgia girl]

The thing that really stood out to me in your initial post was that - to you - your husband even smelled differently. What we don’t often realize is that our sense of smell plays a huge part in desire. Take it out of the sexual context and it’s easier to understand - if a food smells really good to us, we have a strong urge to taste it. If it smells bad, we don’t want to taste it. Same with sexual desire - it’s a visceral thing and it is not always fixable for the person who has lost desire. It’s a brain wiring kind of thing.

 

This is not to say that I think the OP should dump her husband, but I think it’s a little too much for us to judge her harshly. She wants to love her husband and be sexually besotted with him. But he even smells differently to her. It also seems that her husband isn’t listening when she tells him this is a problem. I am on her side for this. There should be a way for them to compromise around a shared diet so he can lose some weight and they can both get their lives back.

[beatcuff]

but he is the main cook - I do cook for him but he doesn't like my offerings much even though I think they are tasty because they are lighter with less meat, more pulses, less fat, more salad. He is retired so he generally cooks something when I get in from work. Which is lovely, don't get me wrong. I don't eat the carb part because that works for me. It's a different dynamic from most marriages.

you are looking for an easy fix, there is none. first, stop making food YOU find tasty and make food HE finds tasty. second, you have to slowly ease into cooking or at least shopping more. third, i never said ease up on the meat, its too obvious you need to replace the 'other' stuff with more healthy choices -- again back to his favorite fruit between meals. but you can purchase more lean 'meat' and stock your frig and shelves with better NOT best choices. this is a process, think cruise ship not a jet ski.

[elaine567]

you are looking for an easy fix, there is none. first, stop making food YOU find tasty and make food HE finds tasty. second, you have to slowly ease into cooking or at least shopping more. third, i never said ease up on the meat, its too obvious you need to replace the 'other' stuff with more healthy choices -- again back to his favorite fruit between meals. but you can purchase more lean 'meat' and stock your frig and shelves with better NOT best choices. this is a process, think cruise ship not a jet ski.

 

 

HE is retired, she is working, she can stock the shelves with every healthy thing till doomsday but it doesn't mean he can't saunter down to the shops in the morning and make himself a huge platter of all the stuff he likes for his lunch.. or buy himself a pizza... or snack his way through sweets and treats all afternoon...

She can't possibly police what he eats.

It is not on her to be responsible for his diet, it is on him.

Also, he is 71, he may be eating perfectly healthily and not lose a thing, that is the problem with ageing.

[fifib]

There most certainly is and I don't think anyone in this thread is NOT keeping that paramount. Including me, who dared admit that really fat people kind-of gross me out (I'm talking really fat, like, 100+ extra pounds). And in most social situations, it's hopefully easy for most of us to treat a fat person as the person they are. That's how it should be.

 

But then there's the sexual realm which is what this OP struggles with. Your looks are the gateway to that person in there, and it's just a fact that for many people, obesity is not sexually attractive.

 

So what is one to do when their spouse becomes obese? Either you have to find ways to stay attracted using the powers of imagination, or you have to just agree no longer to have sex which generally means the relationship won't last, or the obese partner will have to figure out a way to get his or her weight down and as you and others have pointed out, that is easier said than done.

 

So, regarding the OP, is this just an impasse? Is there anything that the OP can do on her end, if we accept that it's perfectly understandable if she no longer feels sexually attracted to her husband because he has grown obese?

 

Note: OP isn't saying she no longer LOVES her husband; she's saying she's no longer sexually attracted to him.That happens in marriages even when it's not obesity that's the culprit. She's not discounting her husband's person, the person inside; she's discounting the package that person currently comes in. And unfortunately the two can't be separated.

thank you for understanding and summarising the situation so well

[Peppa]

My husband is obese and I can assure he does smell different than he did when he was a healthy weight. It is a smell of sickness. He showers twice a day, not because of the smell, but because he always has done so. Anyway, it does no good. The horrible smell clings to his clothes, blankets, and sheets. It’s a real turn off. The obesity has changed his lips. They now look unattractive. He has gunk and junk around his mouth all the time because he is so unhealthy. It’s gross. Also, he has sores all over his stomach due to poor health.

 

No, exercising together won’t work. He doesn’t want to exercise. No, eating healthy meals together won’t work. He doesn’t want to eat healthy meals. It doesn’t matter that a penis doesn’t change size. A fat belly grows OVER the penis. In order to have sex, it’s necessary to push the fat up and over and try to insert the penis into the vagina quickly before the fat falls back down. It’s not attractive to say the least. During sex, a woman’s clitoris will often come into contact with the man’s body, or he can reach out to stimulate her, or she can stimulate herself. None of that is possible with a huge belly in the way.

 

Do, let’s break it down. The sight is unattractive. The smell is unattractive. And, the sex doesn’t even feel good. Give the OP a break, okay? Her response is perfectly natural and based in Biology. It’s not about love. It’s about physical attraction. And yes, bodies change with age. However, a body changed by abuse does not look the same as normal aging. For what it’s worth, I’m overweight and I gross myself out. I used to have a beautiful body just a few years ago. I know I have work to do and am doing it. To make matters worse, we have a young child. I’m still able to play with him and travel to places. My husband is not able to do these things and it really hurts. That also reduces attraction.

[DKT3]

Forgive me if you've already talked about this, but I guessing your husband has had a recent weight gain? How much has he gained?

[alphamale]

My husband is obese and I can assure he does smell different than he did when he was a healthy weight. It is a smell of sickness. He showers twice a day, not because of the smell, but because he always has done so. Anyway, it does no good. The horrible smell clings to his clothes, blankets, and sheets. It’s a real turn off. The obesity has changed his lips. They now look unattractive. He has gunk and junk around his mouth all the time because he is so unhealthy. It’s gross. Also, he has sores all over his stomach due to poor health.

 

No, exercising together won’t work. He doesn’t want to exercise. No, eating healthy meals together won’t work. He doesn’t want to eat healthy meals. It doesn’t matter that a penis doesn’t change size. A fat belly grows OVER the penis. In order to have sex, it’s necessary to push the fat up and over and try to insert the penis into the vagina quickly before the fat falls back down. It’s not attractive to say the least. During sex, a woman’s clitoris will often come into contact with the man’s body, or he can reach out to stimulate her, or she can stimulate herself. None of that is possible with a huge belly in the way.

 

Do, let’s break it down. The sight is unattractive. The smell is unattractive. And, the sex doesn’t even feel good. Give the OP a break, okay? Her response is perfectly natural and based in Biology. It’s not about love. It’s about physical attraction. And yes, bodies change with age. However, a body changed by abuse does not look the same as normal aging. For what it’s worth, I’m overweight and I gross myself out. I used to have a beautiful body just a few years ago. I know I have work to do and am doing it. To make matters worse, we have a young child. I’m still able to play with him and travel to places. My husband is not able to do these things and it really hurts. That also reduces attraction.

 

why don't you divorce him?

[elaine567]

To make matters worse, we have a young child. I’m still able to play with him and travel to places. My husband is not able to do these things and it really hurts. That also reduces attraction.

How old is your husband?