Obese husband upset because I don't desire him

[Peppa]

why don't you divorce him?

 

We have a small child together. Also, I don’t believe in divorcing on a whim. I’m not one that sees marriage as a temporary thing. And, I’m giving him a chance to make things right and start supporting us financially and taking better care of his health for his son. As I mentioned elsewhere on this site, I have been the sole breadwinner for a long time. We have lost our house because my husband didn't help out financially. We are going to be officially homeless come this weekend. With no other immediate option, we are going to have to live temporarily with my narcissistic mother and perverted stepfather. It is only now, that my husband has begun job hunting. I work two jobs. I have already devised a game plan to get us out of my mother’s house as quickly as possible. I need his financially support to make this happen. I imagine that I will find him more attractive once I can respect him for doing what needs to be done to save his family. I also imagine that he will lose weight once he starts expending some energy by going to a job every day.

 

I am so upset right now. I haven’t been this unhappy since I was a child. The situation we are going into is going to be very bad. But, he helped get us into it and he needs to help get us out. My son and I are doing the best to stay cheerful, but it is a very scary, sad time right now. It’s all I can do to make it from one breath to the next.

 

Anyway, I now return this hijacked thread to the original poster.

[Peppa]

How old is your husband?

 

He turned 40 a month and a half ago. So, he could still be physically attractive if it was important to him.

[elaine567]

He turned 40 a month and a half ago. So, he could still be physically attractive if it was important to him.

 

 

That is very sad.

[BettyDraper]

I’ve seen enough people lose weight to know that it can be done. I think there are two majors factors to the overweight epidemic in our society - processed foods and medications. Both of those things have increased dramatically over the past 20 years or so, and we see something that we rarely saw years ago - overweight young people.

 

The problem is that losing weight is very difficult so it's much easier to make excuses. Weight loss and maintenance of a healthy weight takes discipline which most people aren't willing to develop.

 

I am on medication which causes weight gain. I have still managed to lose 20 pounds and I will continue to lose more. Keto, fasting, and decreasing sugar intake have all played a part in my weight loss. I also have no desire to return to my old lifestyle. I am extremely vigilant about weight loss.

 

It's not PC to say that obesity is generally viewed as unattractive but it's the truth.

[BettyDraper]

We have a small child together. Also, I don’t believe in divorcing on a whim. I’m not one that sees marriage as a temporary thing. And, I’m giving him a chance to make things right and start supporting us financially and taking better care of his health for his son. As I mentioned elsewhere on this site, I have been the sole breadwinner for a long time. We have lost our house because my husband didn't help out financially. We are going to be officially homeless come this weekend. With no other immediate option, we are going to have to live temporarily with my narcissistic mother and perverted stepfather. It is only now, that my husband has begun job hunting. I work two jobs. I have already devised a game plan to get us out of my mother’s house as quickly as possible. I need his financially support to make this happen. I imagine that I will find him more attractive once I can respect him for doing what needs to be done to save his family. I also imagine that he will lose weight once he starts expending some energy by going to a job every day.

 

I am so upset right now. I haven’t been this unhappy since I was a child. The situation we are going into is going to be very bad. But, he helped get us into it and he needs to help get us out. My son and I are doing the best to stay cheerful, but it is a very scary, sad time right now. It’s all I can do to make it from one breath to the next.

 

Anyway, I now return this hijacked thread to the original poster.

 

Oh dear! I'm so sorry for your troubles.

 

You have already given your husband chances and then you lost your house. What is it going to take for you to realize that you and your son deserve better?

[Peppa]

Oh dear! I'm so sorry for your troubles.

 

You have already given your husband chances and then you lost your house. What is it going to take for you to realize that you and your son deserve better?

 

This is a very good question to ponder. I think I’m going to have to start my own thread to examine this.

[SolG]

Here's the thing OP as I see it... In a wonderful long-term relationship with an obese partner that you love but don't desire and have no chance of desiring in their current state, if you want to remain in the relationship your most compassionate choices are to:

 

- Pretend to desire them. Close your eyes and go to a happy sensual place that does it for you... and subsequently for them. They never need know.

 

- Let them know you don't desire them, but desire their happiness and enthusiastically initiate sex accordingly.

 

- Ask them to come on a journey of health and fitness with you back to a place where they can attain a physicality you truly do desire. If not, option 1 or 2 above will apply.

[fifib]

Right. Thank you for all the suggestions. Things went quiet because I had to take husband to emergency a couple of days ago. He is still in hospital. He will be OK. Maybe that will be the health wake up call he needs. And I know it sounds implausible but no I'm not making this up.

[BaileyB]

Right. Thank you for all the suggestions. Things went quiet because I had to take husband to emergency a couple of days ago. He is still in hospital. He will be OK. Maybe that will be the health wake up call he needs. And I know it sounds implausible but no I'm not making this up.

 

I hope he has a good recovery. Perhaps, this is the wake up call that he needs. I wish you both well.

[Zapbasket]

Hope all turns out okay with your husband. Please keep us posted.

[fifib]

you are looking for an easy fix, there is none. first, stop making food YOU find tasty and make food HE finds tasty. second, you have to slowly ease into cooking or at least shopping more. third, i never said ease up on the meat, its too obvious you need to replace the 'other' stuff with more healthy choices -- again back to his favorite fruit between meals. but you can purchase more lean 'meat' and stock your frig and shelves with better NOT best choices. this is a process, think cruise ship not a jet ski.

 

but his tasty is pies, chips, fried food, cream sauces, cakes, biscuits, very sweet things and very salty things. He loves it when I make cakes, rich desserts and so on, say if we have friends round as a treat, but he eats far more of it than anyone else. I make shopping lists and he buys what I ask but also the stuff he wants. I do thing there is a massive double standard here; we have a responsibility split which should be manageable but the key is his taking responsibility for his eating and shopping.

[fifib]

My husband is obese and I can assure he does smell different than he did when he was a healthy weight. It is a smell of sickness. He showers twice a day, not because of the smell, but because he always has done so. Anyway, it does no good. The horrible smell clings to his clothes, blankets, and sheets. It’s a real turn off. The obesity has changed his lips. They now look unattractive. He has gunk and junk around his mouth all the time because he is so unhealthy. It’s gross. Also, he has sores all over his stomach due to poor health.

 

No, exercising together won’t work. He doesn’t want to exercise. No, eating healthy meals together won’t work. He doesn’t want to eat healthy meals. It doesn’t matter that a penis doesn’t change size. A fat belly grows OVER the penis. In order to have sex, it’s necessary to push the fat up and over and try to insert the penis into the vagina quickly before the fat falls back down. It’s not attractive to say the least. During sex, a woman’s clitoris will often come into contact with the man’s body, or he can reach out to stimulate her, or she can stimulate herself. None of that is possible with a huge belly in the way.

 

Do, let’s break it down. The sight is unattractive. The smell is unattractive. And, the sex doesn’t even feel good. Give the OP a break, okay? Her response is perfectly natural and based in Biology. It’s not about love. It’s about physical attraction. And yes, bodies change with age. However, a body changed by abuse does not look the same as normal aging. For what it’s worth, I’m overweight and I gross myself out. I used to have a beautiful body just a few years ago. I know I have work to do and am doing it. To make matters worse, we have a young child. I’m still able to play with him and travel to places. My husband is not able to do these things and it really hurts. That also reduces attraction.

 

Peppa your situation sounds worse than mine, I absolutely understand where you are at. Thank you for confirming the smell issue too and the physical difficulties with sex. No matter how good your imagination or your fantasies, a gut interferes with clitoral stimulation (I wasn't brave enough to say that up front but I absolutely agree). So whilst the brain is the most powerful sex organ, good sex for me needs clitoral contact which isn't possible with a gut, no matter what position, and a good smell. I am not a good enough actress to fake it and frankly I don't see why I should I be. Just because I am in my 60s doesn't mean that my basic biological attraction triggers change. In fact as a post-menopausal woman I need more encouragement and stimulation, whereas guys' testosterone just keeps the desire and need going, even at 70+.

Peppa I wish you luck and all I can say is that your husband is being unfair to you. I hope he realises that. Even if he has medical issues, not being prepared to discuss and find a way forward is unfair. Whilst I understand you made a commitment and have a child, I don't see how your current relationship status can be good for any of you, including your child who must feel your unhappiness.

[sabaton]

What to do? My husband is obese and it is a constant source of tension between us because I find it such a turnoff. It even makes him smell different. When we married we were both fit and trim. We have been married for more than 20 years, are now in our 60s/70s and have our share of wrinkles and grey hair and that's just fine. I am maybe 10lbs heavier but not overweight, he is clinically obese. He does go to the gym but never loses any weight. He says that he is comfortable with his body and wants me to accept him as he is but I don't see how I can somehow think myself into being attracted and sexually responsive to him. I feel upset and cheated because (without getting too detailed) sex is no good when you're not hot. I don't know what to do. Nagging only makes it worse and he is upset because I don't desire him. So we are at a standoff. Ideas, anyone?

 

 

Divorce him. If he lets himself to become like that he deson't care about you. And you should also be working on losing the extra 10lbs.

[elaine567]

Divorce him. If he lets himself to become like that he deson't care about you. And you should also be working on losing the extra 10lbs.

 

He is a 71 yo man and was admitted to hospital 2 days ago due to an emergency...

[sabaton]

He is a 71 yo man and was admitted to hospital 2 days ago due to an emergency...

 

 

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. So I reckon the OP is a lot younger than her husband for her to still want sex?

[elaine567]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. So I reckon the OP is a lot younger than her husband for her to still want sex?

In her 60s

[sabaton]

In her 60s

 

 

That's the problem with marrying older men. The men either lose interest in sex as they age, the women become more attractive than the men and therefore lose interest in having sex all that much with the husband, and there's lots of guys that let themselves go physically.

 

 

In any case I hope OP's husband gets better and as fast as possible.

[Zapbasket]

No matter how good your imagination or your fantasies, a gut interferes with clitoral stimulation (I wasn't brave enough to say that up front but I absolutely agree). So whilst the brain is the most powerful sex organ, good sex for me needs clitoral contact which isn't possible with a gut, no matter what position, and a good smell. I am not a good enough actress to fake it and frankly I don't see why I should I be. Just because I am in my 60s doesn't mean that my basic biological attraction triggers change. In fact as a post-menopausal woman I need more encouragement and stimulation, whereas guys' testosterone just keeps the desire and need going, even at 70+.

 

Can you tell, or have you told, your husband exactly this?

 

I think neutral facts like these are the safest way to get your point across. Otherwise I don't think he, or anyone in his situation, can really get it. Too much difficulty in separating that it's his SIZE you don't like, not HIM. I think we'd all like to believe that our spouse or romantic partner will love us no matter what we look like. We'd like to think we could continue to share the physical intimacy that goes with our emotional intimacy. Nothing feels worse than knowing that your appearance does not match your partner's physical ideal. And yes, love can overlook some things, but sadly sexual attraction doesn't always come along.

 

Can you maybe be extra-reassuring to him, OP, about how much you love him? That you love the years you've spent together, that you cherish the thought of more years to come, that you appreciate X and Y and Z so much about him, and then that his weight gets in the way of your ability to enjoy sex with him. Maybe saying it that way rather than that you're "not attracted" to him.

 

God, not to mention being nearly suffocated by all that stomach. The human body was not meant to get so fat that the man's penis gets smothered beneath a drooping shelf of fat, or that you practically have to shove mounds of flesh aside to find the woman's vagina. Why have we become so politically correct that we can't just state the facts that obesity is NOT sexy for the simple reason it impedes the sex act? A person can cry about that, or they can tie their hands, feet and torso to a chair if that's what it takes to keep them from that extra helping of dessert. Which sounds like that IS the culprit for OP's husband's weight gain.

 

It's no doubt going to be a long road, OP, but perhaps if your husband can feel reassured of your true and loyal love for him, he'll be able to see more clearly to the need to lose weight for his OWN health, as well as the health of your marriage.

[fifib]

Divorce him. If he lets himself to become like that he deson't care about you. And you should also be working on losing the extra 10lbs.

 

Well I am within normal BMI range and USA size 8 (I think, UK size 12). So I have gone from a size 6 to a size 8 over 20 years. Whenever he is away I drop a few lbs anyway because I eat more healthily. I don't think that my weight is the issue here. And it's not that easy. He is a good man who cares about me but has this massive blind spot. We have children, shared interests and joint assets and being practical, divorce is not a smart financial option when you are retired / close to retirement.

Edited October 28, 2018 by fifib

[fifib]

That's the problem with marrying older men. The men either lose interest in sex as they age, the women become more attractive than the men and therefore lose interest in having sex all that much with the husband, and there's lots of guys that let themselves go physically.

 

 

In any case I hope OP's husband gets better and as fast as possible.

 

Well he has an undiminished interest in sex so there's the imbalance. But the marriage vow doesn't say 'love, honour and fancy'. He is still in hospital maybe out in a couple of days.

[overtherainbow1]

Divorce him. If he lets himself to become like that he deson't care about you. And you should also be working on losing the extra 10lbs.

 

Haha wow! For better or for worse with a third quadrant exempting the fatties!!!

 

Fifib,

 

A lot of advice on "framing" it this way or "putting" it that way. Don't be manipulative. Be straightforward, honest, and kind. That's the old Golden Rule thingy...it may work and it may not. But being positive, leading by example, and showing him you care seems the best route for your marriage.

 

Find recipes that may appeal to him that are gluten free, use almond flour, make tasty veggies, make fish and boneless/skinless chicken that is actually good. There's so much info out there now and it's awesome. I love to cook, eat, and drink so I'm thinking you guys could use this to come closer together and make new dishes together.

[elaine567]

 

Find recipes that may appeal to him that are gluten free, use almond flour, make tasty veggies, make fish and boneless/skinless chicken that is actually good. There's so much info out there now and it's awesome. I love to cook, eat, and drink so I'm thinking you guys could use this to come closer together and make new dishes together.

 

The OP works full time, the husband is retired and shops and cooks for himself, she doesn't make all his meals and even if she did he has all day to buy cook and eat the stuff he enjoys better for himself.

We can really only hope his recent health scare will have been a bit of a wake up call for him.

[carhill]

Fascinating insightful read....OP, hope your H has a full recovery and you have many more years together.

 

I was married to an 'obese' lady (5'1" and 190) and her appearance/function played no role in our D many years later and I never had any sexual problems with her or finding and pleasuring her 'parts'. However, you might be onto something; the guy she replaced me with was skinnier and shorter. Interesting how she, as a fattie, had no problem attracting a new guy, isn't it?

 

Anyway, no advice, glad I'm out of that rat race. Best wishes for a long and fruitful marriage.

[WomenWubber]

If his stay at the hospital doesn't wake him up, show him this thread and ask him to reconsider his current lifestyle.

[overtherainbow1]

The OP works full time, the husband is retired and shops and cooks for himself, she doesn't make all his meals and even if she did he has all day to buy cook and eat the stuff he enjoys better for himself.

We can really only hope his recent health scare will have been a bit of a wake up call for him.

 

Can you say excuse?! Working full time doesn't mean you can't cook healthy foods. Him cooking for himself is out of her control. I wouldn't worry about that.