Obese husband upset because I don't desire him

[elaine567]

Can you say excuse?! Working full time doesn't mean you can't cook healthy foods. Him cooking for himself is out of her control. I wouldn't worry about that.

 

Of course it doesn't, and by all accounts she does cook healthy, but when he is doing the shopping and cooking the stuff he likes to eat, then what can she do about it? She is not at home to monitor and curb his eating, that is part of the issue, the other part has been that he did not WANT to eat healthier or go on a weight reducing diet.

[Mr. Lucky]

She is not at home to monitor and curb his eating, that is part of the issue, the other part has been that he did not WANT to eat healthier or go on a weight reducing diet.

 

How do you “monitor” an adult’s food consumption? Lock him in the basement between meals? Chain him in the vegetable garden?

 

He is what he is....

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ruby Slippers]

It's extremely unlikely he's going to change at his age.

 

You'll have to accept him as he is, or move on. You could also try negotiating an open relationship.

 

I recently became acquainted professionally with a man who's pretty great in almost every way... except he's obese. I also noticed that he has that off smell you described. It's because he's in poor health and is literally radiating a bad smell because of it. He was mildly flirty with me, but I shut that down immediately because I just couldn't do it, mainly because he's obviously not taking care of himself, but also because I could never fake sexual attraction to an obese guy.

 

It's 100% natural not to be sexually attracted to someone in poor health - and obesity is poor health. The logic is that such a person has poor health and poor-quality sperm, so it's natural to be repulsed by them sexually, as it's not smart to mix your eggs with poor-quality sperm. This is a clinical explanation, yes, but accurate, factual.

 

He talked to me about his dating life, and like your husband, he seems to have a blind spot on the weight issue. I tried to politely let him know that if he drops the weight, he won't have any problem finding a good woman, as that's the main issue.

 

Most people struggle to lose weight because of deep-rooted emotional reasons. When people overeat, it's almost always to fill some void that is not being filled emotionally. Once a person gets that under control, it's 100 times easier to control their compulsive overeating and get to a healthy weight.

 

But they have to want to do it for their own reasons, not because someone else is pressuring them or expecting it of them. The reason you see these relatively quick miracle transformations is that the person finally makes a breakthrough and stops the compulsive emotional eating, then physically transforms following the clarity of their mind.

 

The man I met is 50, and I feel it's very unlikely he'll see the light at his age. He's still blaming women for being "shallow", rather than taking any responsibility for his health and decision-making.

Edited November 7, 2018 by Ruby Slippers

[stillafool]

We have a small child together. Also, I don’t believe in divorcing on a whim. I’m not one that sees marriage as a temporary thing. And, I’m giving him a chance to make things right and start supporting us financially and taking better care of his health for his son. As I mentioned elsewhere on this site, I have been the sole breadwinner for a long time. We have lost our house because my husband didn't help out financially. We are going to be officially homeless come this weekend. With no other immediate option, we are going to have to live temporarily with my narcissistic mother and perverted stepfather. It is only now, that my husband has begun job hunting. I work two jobs. I have already devised a game plan to get us out of my mother’s house as quickly as possible. I need his financially support to make this happen. I imagine that I will find him more attractive once I can respect him for doing what needs to be done to save his family. I also imagine that he will lose weight once he starts expending some energy by going to a job every day.

 

I am so upset right now. I haven’t been this unhappy since I was a child. The situation we are going into is going to be very bad. But, he helped get us into it and he needs to help get us out. My son and I are doing the best to stay cheerful, but it is a very scary, sad time right now. It’s all I can do to make it from one breath to the next.

 

Anyway, I now return this hijacked thread to the original poster.

 

He's 71 with a small child? That alone is the reason you both need to make his lose weight the priority. Tell him you can't stand it anymore that he can try to lose it on his own or get weight loss surgery. You husband's lack of financial support for an extended time is more than enough reason to divorce. You are in this marriage alone so you might as well divorce.

[elaine567]

How do you “monitor” an adult’s food consumption? Lock him in the basement between meals? Chain him in the vegetable garden?

 

He is what he is....

 

Mr. Lucky

Exactly. He needs to take responsibility for his own weight.

Suggesting she cook him "healthy meals" is not applicable nor feasible in the circumstances.

[elaine567]

He's 71 with a small child? That alone is the reason you both need to make his lose weight the priority. Tell him you can't stand it anymore that he can try to lose it on his own or get weight loss surgery. You husband's lack of financial support for an extended time is more than enough reason to divorce. You are in this marriage alone so you might as well divorce.

Peppa is NOT the OP, Peppa's husband is also grossly overweight and he is just 40.

[carhill]

I am a bit curious about the smell thing. I mean, my wife was clinically obese and she smelled fine, always, even her nether regions. I mean, sure, if I'm out in the woods and don't take a hot shower for a week I'm sure I smell but what is this overweight smell thing?

 

One marked smell I did experience was the smell of death when my mom died. I knew by the smell it was time. With other people, I've noticed this with friends, on certain medications, evidently they exude a smell both in sweat glands and breath. It is kind of repulsive but not overwhelmingly so.

 

A 71yo man is pretty much done as far as habits. Perhaps the hospital thing will be the life-altering experience that speaks to him. Perhaps not.

 

OP states H is over 30 BMI....just checked myself and so am I. Even when in my 30's and endurance cycling, I was nearly 30 on the BMI scale and could ride a bicycle up and down hills at 15-20 mph for 4-5 hours. IDK about all this BMI stuff. Anyway, take care.

[Ruby Slippers]

I am a bit curious about the smell thing. I mean, my wife was clinically obese and she smelled fine, always, even her nether regions. I mean, sure, if I'm out in the woods and don't take a hot shower for a week I'm sure I smell but what is this overweight smell thing?

My theory is that he has a toxic brew in his body, so strong that it's seeping out of his pores. The man I referred to has a host of health problems due to obesity - diabetes, edema, who knows what else.

 

Maybe this is more pronounced in men? A few years ago I had an obese landlady, and she never emitted a bad odor. With the guy I met recently, I could smell it a foot away from him.

[carhill]

At my age, I have a lot of male friends this guy's age and, yup, most of them would fit the over 30 BMI picture. I'm watching a news conference with a well-known person who surely fits that profile and is often criticized for it, POTUS.

 

When reading your post, one guy came to mind who's the same age as the OP's husband, he's 6'5" and weighs around 300lbs and is known in our social circle as 'big guy'. He's a real hugger and loving and so we're often close to him. He's also a type 1 diabetic, and had the disease long before he gained weight. Only smell I can recall is aftershave and beer when we happen to be drinking. He's currently caring for his wife, who's about the OP's age, as she fights cancer.

 

I doubt smell is large in the OP's lack of desire, probably more emotional and visual but brought it up because I was curious about it and had never had that experience before and I've been around quite awhile. I'm also very sensitive to smell.

 

Oh, hospital smell. Remember that when my best friend had cancer surgery. He smelled awful for quite awhile, starting at the hospital. It got better and he was fine in a month or two. Thankfully, the cancer is in remission. Hopefully the OP won't get a large dose of that smell. Whoa...

[Ruby Slippers]

I doubt smell is large in the OP's lack of desire, probably more emotional and visual but brought it up because I was curious about it and had never had that experience before and I've been around quite awhile.

It sure doesn't help. The man I mentioned, I was 0% attracted to his body, 110% attracted to his mind and abilities. Once I got closer and picked up the smell, that was an even stronger repellent. It gave me a visceral "not sexual partner material" feeling.

 

Pheromones and smell are major factors in attraction. I've even dated very good-looking, well-groomed men who have an off smell, like a wild, gamey smell, that totally repelled me.

 

Supposedly, when a person's natural body smell is pleasant and attractive to you, it means your genes would mix well for baby-making. And vice versa.

[alphamale]

Supposedly, when a person's natural body smell is pleasant and attractive to you, it means your genes would mix well for baby-making. And vice versa.

 

I've heard that too RS, it makes sense

[carhill]

Sounds like, for OP, something changed unless her H has always smelled funny. I'm familiar with histo-incompatibility but this didn't sound like that kind of issue. Looks like OP hasn't been around for awhile; hope things didn't go south for them.

[Scarlet2]

You’re not in love with him. If you were, you wouldn’t notice his weight. I was friends first with an overweight man and wasn’t attracted to him at all but then the more time I spent around him and we got to know each other, I started falling in love, the weight wasn’t in the forefront anymore. I even dislike hairy backs but my love blinded me of his imperfections. He’s right when he says you should accept him for how he is because if you genuinely loved him, you’d be able to look past it. He knows you don’t love him and he’s overeating emotionally to fill the void.

[Zapbasket]

You’re not in love with him. If you were, you wouldn’t notice his weight. I was friends first with an overweight man and wasn’t attracted to him at all but then the more time I spent around him and we got to know each other, I started falling in love, the weight wasn’t in the forefront anymore. I even dislike hairy backs but my love blinded me of his imperfections. He’s right when he says you should accept him for how he is because if you genuinely loved him, you’d be able to look past it. He knows you don’t love him and he’s overeating emotionally to fill the void.

 

I don't think it's at all fair to accuse a long-time wife of "not loving" her husband if she's troubled by his excessive weight gain to the point of losing sexual attraction for him. She's struggling BECAUSE she loves him. She wants to feel that sexual attraction, and doesn't.

 

And waaayyyy not fair to make the leap that her husband overeats to fill the void caused by her not loving him. It sounds like he overeats because he enjoys rich foods that cause weight gain and he has decided, for now, that he doesn't mind the consequence of higher weight if it means he can keep eating what he enjoys. And HE'S struggling because this also came with a consequence he was not prepared for: the loss of his wife's sexual attraction for him.

 

Maybe this recent health scare will change how he feels about all of this. I do hope the OP will come back and update us and I hope her husband is recovering ok.

 

We can't help what we're sexually attracted to. Just because you were able sexually to overlook obesity and a hairy back as your love deepened for a particular person, does not mean it can or should be that way for everyone else. I'm firmly in the camp that obesity and a hairy back are real turn-offs. The person could be the most wonderful person in the world, someone I'd want to spend all my time with--I just wouldn't want to have sex with them. Fat AND excessively hairy even makes me throw up in my mouth a little (think Harvey Weinstein)--and I have male friends who are both fat and hairy. They're lovely; I enjoy their company; sexually, TO ME, they are gross. I don't feel the least bit bad about that.

[overtherainbow1]

You’re not in love with him. If you were, you wouldn’t notice his weight. I was friends first with an overweight man and wasn’t attracted to him at all but then the more time I spent around him and we got to know each other, I started falling in love, the weight wasn’t in the forefront anymore. I even dislike hairy backs but my love blinded me of his imperfections. He’s right when he says you should accept him for how he is because if you genuinely loved him, you’d be able to look past it. He knows you don’t love him and he’s overeating emotionally to fill the void.

 

They've been married 20 years. The average "in-love" experience lasts less than 2 years. You do the math.

 

If being "in-love" is a requisite for a relationship, people should not get married. Of course, that's why the commitment was created in the first place, for when people are no longer "in-love".

 

Freaking Hollywood...

[mrs rubble]

I am a bit curious about the smell thing. I mean, my wife was clinically obese and she smelled fine, always, even her nether regions. I mean, sure, if I'm out in the woods and don't take a hot shower for a week I'm sure I smell but what is this overweight smell thing?

 

One marked smell I did experience was the smell of death when my mom died. I knew by the smell it was time. With other people, I've noticed this with friends, on certain medications, evidently they exude a smell both in sweat glands and breath. It is kind of repulsive but not overwhelmingly so.

<snip>

During my years as a phlebotomist, I noticed that a lot of people who suffer from diabetes have a different odour. So I'm wondering if OP's husband may have diabetes. Hopefully he's recovering from his stint in the hospital.

Edited November 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Marc878]

You’re not in love with him. If you were, you wouldn’t notice his weight. I was friends first with an overweight man and wasn’t attracted to him at all but then the more time I spent around him and we got to know each other, I started falling in love, the weight wasn’t in the forefront anymore. I even dislike hairy backs but my love blinded me of his imperfections. He’s right when he says you should accept him for how he is because if you genuinely loved him, you’d be able to look past it. He knows you don’t love him and he’s overeating emotionally to fill the void.

 

I agree with the OP on this issue.

 

Weight is controllable. If he lets himself go then it's pretty obvious he cares more about stuffing his pie hole than his wife.

 

I'd move his fat ass out of the bedroom

[MidwestUSA]

During my years as a phlebotomist, I noticed that a lot of people who suffer from diabetes have a different odour. So I'm wondering if OP's husband may have diabetes. Hopefully he's recovering from his stint in the hospital.

 

This was my first thought as well. Organ failure, especially the liver or kidneys, can cause it as well, since they're not properly filtering your blood. The offending substances literally seep out of your pores.

 

Me ex husband's breath reeked of ketones, and I knew exactly why. When I told him, he replied 'it does not'.

 

I haven't kept up enough to know whether he's dead, or hanging in there with partial liver function. Phil Collins didn't step in to buy him a new liver like he did for David Crosby.

[Peppa]

In my husband’s case the odor is the smell of obesity-related illness and ill-health. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has diabetes. It is a gag-inducing smell that emanates from him and sticks to his clothes and bed sheets. He did not have this odor when he was a normal weight.

 

Also, to the lady who said that penis size is unaffected by obesity, that is simply not true. Obesity tends to result in a condition called buried penis in which a pocket of fat engulfs the penis. The other day, I attempted to perform oral arc on my husband and it was really gross. His penis is now completely buried into a shaft of fat. It makes him look as if he is uncircumcised, even though he is. The smell was nasty, but I pressed on. The taste made me stop. It was gross.

 

He’s starting a sales job this week, but I’m really worried about how much his weight is going to affect his ability to make sales. He said he was loosing some weight and that he was now able to button his pants back up, so that’s good. I just really feel like he is robbing us and himself by remaining so morbidly obese. We did all go for a long walk to the park together this weekend, which was good exercise and family bonding. So, maybe there is hope.

 

To the woman who said one doesn't love an obese spouse if one finds them unattractive, that is not true. You fell in love with an obese man, because, ultimately, it wasn't a deal-breaker for you. My husband was thin when I met him and it took a lot of weight gain before I was turned off by his appearance. It wasn't like I got mad at him for gaining a few pounds. I am not attracted to obesity. I don't think obesity is a sign of a person's character. It is just not sexually attractive in my eyes. Love has nothing to do with it.

[fifib]

Whoa, this thread has taken on a whole life of its own. A lot has happened since I originally posted. First, my husband came home after 4 nights in hospital. He was still pretty sick but is much better now.

He was of course weighed whilst in hospital and was shocked by what they told him.

He has decided to lose 40 lbs and has already shifted about 8 so that's a great start. I am more optimistic about the future than I have been for a long time. I am only eating 'good' foods too so we will make the journey together.

About the smell thing; yes it is partly due to overweight, partly due to the amount he sweats. It's much better when he wears natural fabrics but he does not have a great sense of smell so doesn't notice We live in a hot climate. And whatever anyone says, if you come close to someone and get that B.O. whiff, it is a turnoff which lasts longer than the smell itself.

Yes I love him and yes I am excited about getting a better physical relationship in all sorts of ways.

[elaine567]

He was of course weighed whilst in hospital and was shocked by what they told him.

 

 

A blessing in disguise.

I am glad he is feeling better and is more focussed on his own health.

[Peppa]

That’s wonderful news fifib! Wonderful! I’m so happy that your husband is making this commitment to himself, you, and your marriage. It’s interesting that you mentioned a hot climate. We also live in a hot climate. See what you did by sharing your story? You helped someone else to address her situation too. Thank you so much and the best of luck and love to you and your husband.

[fifib]

Your story touched me I hope that things go better for you too.

We all need to know that the person we made a commitment to still cares about us and themselves as well.

Please let us know how you go xxxx

That’s wonderful news fifib! Wonderful! I’m so happy that your husband is making this commitment to himself, you, and your marriage. It’s interesting that you mentioned a hot climate. We also live in a hot climate. See what you did by sharing your story? You helped someone else to address her situation too. Thank you so much and the best of luck and love to you and your husband.

[Zapbasket]

So glad to hear your husband is on the mend and things are moving in a positive direction! Best of luck to you both, and you, too, Peppa.

[amaysngrace]

I’m glad he’s addressing his weight issue. Maybe the two of you could take early morning or evening walks together to help him slim down.