Obese husband upset because I don't desire him

[preraph]

There's a lot of men out there that still think sex equals love and that there can be no love without sex. never mind that you're probably doing all kinds of things to take care of him and show that you care. 

[fifib]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Has his doctor advised him to lose weight?? What are his numbers like (blood sugar, cholesterol, etc.) and could you this as motivation for him to get healthy??

I mean if your doctor tells you to change some aspect of your lifestyle, it is a good idea to listen!!

Yes he has. He's good at ignoring advice.

 

[thefooloftheyear]

16 minutes ago, fifib said:

His t levels seem just fine. He is frustrated by my lack of desire for him. It's an impasse we can't break - he is hurt because he believes that I should fancy him if I love him so I must be shallow and I am turned off by his body. It's not even about withholding sex, he doesn't want 'duty sex' which is what he gets. And not that often.

Don't do it then....."Duty sex" is a bunch of bullshyt...no man or woman should be obligated to give sex out of some duty......especially at your age and with what is considered within his control......

You can still love him and not want to have sex with him...What he's asking Is unrealistic.....and its obviously not important enough for him to do anything about it....Go sleep in another room like Peraph said...Your situation isn't that rare...

TFY

[preraph]

51 minutes ago, fifib said:

So how do I ban junk foods when he refuses to stop buying and cooking them? He burns some calories at the gym but the issue is his appetite is out of line with his calorie needs. Hard for me too when I eat a salad but have to say no to the chips he cooks on the side and the beers and wine he keeps getting. He will come for a bike ride on the weekend but hates walking. What's MC?

at his age and with his problems I have trouble believing that he hasn't already been banned from drinking because of some pills he's on. I mean there are a lot of pills you cannot drink with and if I were you I would start with looking those up on Google and finding out if any of the ones he has banned alcohol and then make sure he understands he has to quit drinking and that alone will probably make him lose some weight.

 

it sounds like he is on some pills that would not allow him to drink any alcohol. Certainly you can't have it on blood thinners. Anyway look them up and see if he's drinking on top of pills that he shouldn't be and then call his doctor and tell his doctor to scare the crap out of him about it.

Edited February 23, 2020 by preraph

[fifib]

6 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

It's his right to eat whatever he wants, it's your right to stop sex for whatever reason. I don't see any other advise here.

We have kids in their 20s. I want him around for them. It's not just about sex it's about him destroying his health. 

 

[basil67]

Your kids are adults now.  It's time for you to look after your own needs and if he refuses to understand, then the next decision is on him. 

[JS84]

Ya I have to say you really shouldn't be giving him any kind of sex if you aren't into it and he's making no effort to change. I don't care how infrequent or dutiful the sex  is you're basically contradicting what you're telling him by your own actions by giving him any sex at all. 

I'm not sure what Disney movie your husband thinks he's living in but it is very possible to lose attraction for your partner and still love them. Just like it's possible to be attracted to someone you don't love.

You should probably stop telling him what you want him to do and just stop having sex with you. He's obese, you're not attracted to him because he's obese, he doesn't care how you feel, he just wants loving sex from you. You give him duty/pity sex and get resentful which in turn makes him more resentful. You're stuck in a dysfunctional cycle going in circles.

Again, stop having sex with him and stop telling him what the problem is. He knows what the problem is. You telling him 40 times is not going to drive it home any further than telling him 10 times. Stop doing what you've been doing and do something different. Might not solve your problems but maybe it will help break this useless loop you guys are stuck in.

Edited February 23, 2020 by JS84

[SummerDreams]

My great grandfather was like 85 years old and he was in a nursing home with his wife, he could barely walk and he had lost it a bit so the nurses would tell us he would take his @$& out and start chasing his wife. I mean, men are men. So sad. 

[SummerDreams]

If the man can ride a bicycle he is not that obese. Clinically obese people can't even stand or walk.

[preraph]

9 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

My great grandfather was like 85 years old and he was in a nursing home with his wife, he could barely walk and he had lost it a bit so the nurses would tell us he would take his @$& out and start chasing his wife. I mean, men are men. So sad. 

I think we shared the same father...mine thought the nursing home was an auto dealership, though.  

[preraph]

8 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

If the man can ride a bicycle he is not that obese. Clinically obese people can't even stand or walk.

Now, I don't know about that.  I'm obese and 67 with two bad knees but I can still ride a recumbent stationary bike a little.  I just can't get off my real bicycle because it twists my knee.  The main thing though will be respiration is likely very poor.  

[Els]

12 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

If the man can ride a bicycle he is not that obese. Clinically obese people can't even stand or walk.

Not really, the definition of clinical obesity is a BMI of 30. OP says his BMI is low 30s. In that range people can usually still walk and ride a sturdy bike, but he's playing with fire in terms of health risks, especially at his age.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, JS84 said:

Again, stop having sex with him and stop telling him what the problem is. He knows what the problem is. You telling him 40 times is not going to drive it home any further than telling him 10 times. Stop doing what you've been doing and do something different. Might not solve your problems but maybe it will help break this useless loop you guys are stuck in.

This ^

And if he raises it, reply that it's already been discussed endlessly without resolution, so there's no point rehashing yet again.

[fifib]

1 hour ago, SummerDreams said:

If the man can ride a bicycle he is not that obese. Clinically obese people can't even stand or walk.

Nope that's morbidly obese 40+

[rainfall]

Can you go on after dinner walks with him and ask him to keep the junk food away? You can say you want both of you guys to eat healthier so you are both in good health as you age. Maybe make losing weight a “joint” activity you guys could work on together?

[S2B]

You can’t change him.

it is your decision to participate in a manner that changes it for you.

inform him of your decision to change things... he will either adjust or not.

I would sleep in another room. I’d stop eating any meals with him. I’d also not have sex with someone I feel no attraction to.

when he sees the consequences for his decisions - he MAY consider making effort to lose weight - but I wouldn’t count on it.

[SummerDreams]

Imo, the fact that he is your husband doesn't give you the right to try to change him. If this thread was made by a man who would complain about his obese wife, everyone would be like "she has the right to be however she wants, stop pressing her for sex". The only thing OP can do is: tell him openly that she is worried about him being here for the kids growing up and: stop sex. He is an adult and he can decide for his life. If this is a dealbreaker, there's always divorce.

[basil67]

Who's "everyone" SummerDreams?   If the woman was overweight, I'd tell the husband that it's not his place to try and change her, but nor should he be expected to have sex with her if he doesn't want to.   

[SummerDreams]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Who's "everyone" SummerDreams?   If the woman was overweight, I'd tell the husband that it's not his place to try and change her, but nor should he be expected to have sex with her if he doesn't want to.   

"Everyone" was wrong. I meant "most posters".

[elaine567]

I would hope few here would be telling a woman who was overweight to the point of putting her health at risk to ignore her XS weight and carry on doing her own thing...

There is a big difference between "My gf has gained 10lbs and I don't find her attractive sexually any longer" and a man who is clinically obese with health issues...

[SummerDreams]

Every adult person has the right to do what they want. It frustrates me that just because obesity is something we can notice we take the courage to talk to them about it without even knowing them. The problem the OP has stated she has is that she doesnt desire her H sexually because he is obese. If she has a huge problem with it she can divorce him. Then she said she wants to see him grow older to be with their kids. That's abother matter though. She is worried about his health. As his wife she has some right advising him but there's nothing more she can do about it. We, as strangers, what right do we have to convince this person to lose weight?

[Tristian]

Folks, Loveshack is made up of people of all shapes and sizes. While I understand everyone has their preference on what they find attractive let's keep our replies respectful and polite to the diverse audience we have here.

[stillafool]

On 10/27/2018 at 8:06 PM, fifib said:

divorce is not a smart financial option when you are retired / close to retirement.

Older people are doing this every day.  People want to be happy.

[JTSW]

On 10/21/2018 at 6:06 PM, DKT3 said:

Also, you didn't cheat because of his weight, you cheated because you lack boundaries and respect for your husband and marriage.

She didn't say she cheated. She said she 'felt cheated'.

[pepperbird]

On 2/23/2020 at 5:57 PM, SummerDreams said:

If the man can ride a bicycle he is not that obese. Clinically obese people can't even stand or walk.

this is not true. Clinical obesity is anything over 100 pounds over the recommended body weight for his or her height.  A 230 woman might be considered obese, but she can walk, stand, etc.
You may mean  morbidly obese, which is a very different thing, believed to be linked to a combo of genetics and often diagnosed mental illness.