Obese husband upset because I don't desire him

[Neirn]

Keep in mind men can be just as fragile as women when it comes to their bodies. He may be saying he's fine with his body and he wants you to accept him...but maybe he's really not okay with his body. He is going to the gym and making an effort to lose weight. A lot of men put on a front when they are hurt. You know your husband best, maybe this isnt like him and I'm wrong. If you can find a way to be supportive and maybe help plan his meals and work out with him with a smile on your face and less negativity maybe that'll be the motivation he needs to better himself. I can tell by your post though that he is definitely in need of your support. Just by him asking you to accept his current figure. 

[vla1120]

If I were you, OP, I would take over the cooking for the time being. I would also purchase him a cookbook with heart-healthy recipes and/or low carb, etc. for when he does start cooking again AND/OR I would do the shopping myself.

Does he drink beer? (Sorry, I skipped over a few pages in the thread.) If he drinks beer, I would switch him to Michelob Ultra, or some other beer that's going to be a little lighter than what he might be drinking now. 

You could talk to him about using an app and tracking his calorie intake per day. I think sometimes, we pop something into our mouths (like a Twinkie or HoHo 😂) without thinking about the extra calories we're adding to our diet. Maybe he'd be surprised by exactly how much he's eating every day if he logs his meals and snacks.

Definitely approach this from the health perspective. I cannot imagine a husband refusing to get fit and healthy so he can see his kids get married, enjoy grandkids, etc. My 54-year-old brother-in-law dropped dead on January 31st of a massive coronary with NO previous symptoms.  I've been dealing with a sudden onset of high blood pressure for the past six months. I figured it will go away if I lose weight. When I heard about my brother-in-law, I immediately made an appointment with a cardiologist. Tomorrow is not promised for any of us, but I'll do everything in my power to make sure I am on earth as long as possible - and the biggest part of that is healthy eating! Your husband should be willing to do the same.

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

f I were you, OP, I would take over the cooking for the time being. I would also purchase him a cookbook with heart-healthy recipes and/or low carb, etc. for when he does start cooking again AND/OR I would do the shopping myself.

Unless the circumstances have changed since last she posted.
She works full time, she can cook all the healthy stuff she wants, she can keep the house junk food free, she can do all the shopping..
But whilst she is at work, he goes to the grocery store and buys treats and the food he likes and brings it home to cook for himself during the day.
Short of locking him up, there is not a lot she can do here.

[SummerDreams]

24 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

If I were you, OP, I would take over the cooking for the time being. I would also purchase him a cookbook with heart-healthy recipes and/or low carb, etc. for when he does start cooking again AND/OR I would do the shopping myself.

If my husband did that, it would be a serious reason to have a huge fight. I'm not a kid, I can decide for myself what I will eat.

[vla1120]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Unless the circumstances have changed since last she posted.
She works full time, she can cook all the healthy stuff she wants, she can keep the house junk food free, she can do all the shopping..
But whilst she is at work, he goes to the grocery store and buys treats and the food he likes and brings it home to cook for himself during the day.
Short of locking him up, there is not a lot she can do here.

Oh man. In that case, all you can do is express that you want him around for weddings, grandchildren, etc. The fact that he already has high blood pressure does not bode well for him.

[vla1120]

3 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

If my husband did that, it would be a serious reason to have a huge fight. I'm not a kid, I can decide for myself what I will eat.

Who am I kidding? I DO have a husband who tried to control everything I ate. It didn't go well. I guess you can take a horse to the water trough, but you can't make him drink (or not drink.)

[DKT3]

9 hours ago, JTSW said:

She didn't say she cheated. She said she 'felt cheated'.

That was all cleared up two years ago

[DKT3]

The tone of threads like this always amaze me, not too long after this thread came and went the first time we had a similar one but genders reversed.  3/4 of the posters were attacking the poster. 

 

At this point OP needs to either accept it or move on. Its hasn't changed in all this time so it likely won't. 

[JTSW]

28 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

That was all cleared up two years ago

I realised that after I posted lol 

My bad 🤦‍♀️

[Just a Guy]

Hi fifib, it seems you and your husband are caught up in a catch 22 situation. If at this stage of your lives you find yourself in a position where you find your husband physically repugnant, then it brings into question the story of your entire relationship from the very beginning. The thing is that if you two truly loved each other at a deep level then such repulsion of your husband by you would never have arisen. You have'nt mentioned it but how would you rate the rest of your relationship? Is it a warm, loving relationship or is it just cordial and superficially affectionate?

 

From what you have written it seems the two of you married a little later than the normal age at which folks marry. This raises the question of whether both of you were more or less settled in your habits and the way that you liked yo run your lives. A certain rigidity sets in with age and people are less amenable to change, especially where it related to change of personal habits and preferences. Maybe, both of you had an underlying compatibility problem which, because it was not pressing, was swept under the carpet by both of you. Now, when the two of you have reached a point in your lives where you are so very familiar with each other, the ugly head of incompatibility is raising it's head and both of you are finding it difficult to handle it. 

 

Considering this line of thought and of course using your own judgement in this matter, maybe the two of you should consider separating and later divorcing amicably, rather than letting something as basic as this, fester till it becomes a full blown problem. Justy opinion and I may be completely wrong. Warm wishes.

[preraph]

I will just say, as a 67 year old, that a lot of couples stop having sex (or rarely have it) even before they reach your ages.  He's not taking Viagra, is he?  Hope not.  How does he feel about watching porn?  Would he accept some "private time" to do his thing?  If you're tired of arguing about it, get separate bedrooms.  

[Doorstopper]

I can understand the OPs opinion, though I do not necessarily agree. What I don't understand  is why after a year and a half is she coming back to simply post the exact same question almost verbatim as the first post? This has been completely explored.  OP doesn't seem to want to provide anything but vague information BMI low low 30's no weight  or height. Big stomach. There's an alternating stance between her being repulsed and a concern for his health. I know those are not at all mutually exclusive, but I see no love in saying you they are repulsed by someones looks, yet concerns about health  show either love or concern/fear about loss or death.  

The problem is that "old dogs do not learn new tricks". That's true of both of you. you have come back looking for new answers to the same question. They world hasn't changed (pun intended) It's changed a lot, recently 😷. But not in any way that will give you new answers or insight. So what can you do:

Leave,  Shut off your husband sexually,   Convince him to change,   Change yourself and your attitude,   Make background changes to attempt to  improve his health,  Wait for him to die.

That's it, There really are no other options.

[Doorstopper]

I said low low 30s for BMI in my post above this. That's a typo. Should only say low 30s.

[alphamale]

yes, he should go and get evaluated by a physician before he starts any exercise regimen

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, alphamale said:

he should go and get evaluated by a physician before he starts any exercise regimen

not easy right now, maybe remote dr online? or could just start slow. Walking is one of the few things unrestricted in many places if you can find somewhere solitary. Do it together as a fun and bonding activity? 

Weight loss is best done slow I think because of loose skin.

[alphamale]

10 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Weight loss is best done slow I think because of loose skin.

the slower you lose the weight the slower it'll come back

[Lotsgoingon]

All I can think about in reading this thread is a severely overweight ... who was incredibly popular with women.  This guy has charm, is a good storyteller and listener, funny, smart ... women loved him. The weight didn't really matter. It's funny ... I think of this friend every time I want to be highly critical of my own body. 

So as another person asked, I wonder if your attraction to him at the start was borderline. 

[SunnyDaze428]

I am married to a 63 year old man who is 6'1 and 330 lbs.  He is obese yet has made comments about fat women. I had to tell him he needs to look in the mirror before he fat shames others. I put on weight during menopause and during an argument he said hurtful things to me about my weight. Sad thing is I never saw him as gross because he is fat I loved him regardless. Unfortunately he stopped loving me because I gained weight and has been disrespectful to me which has ruined my love for him. I regret marrying him.