Obese husband upset because I don't desire him

[stillafool]

yes I have - see other reply - but he does most of the cooking so has to make these changes himself.

 

Maybe you should be the one doing the cooking since he can't make healthy choices of what to cook.

[smi11ie]

Glad to hear your husband is addressing his weight issue. Personally I find over eaters a major turn off. If I asked my partner to lose weight and she continued to stuff her face I would be upset. It's an addiction and addicts are a pain to deal with. Hope things work out for you,

[zouz71]

Mr Lucky , Chapeaux Bas !

 

 

OP , I just want to say that if you are lucky that your metabolism is working fine despite the fact that you seem not to do same efforts ; he is exercising and active , you need to encourage him by doing efforts in cooking healthy food , and choosing even kind of meat that is less harmful to him.

 

 

If you love him you would find him attractive even if obese ,

Your husband finds you attractive because he loves you , notbecause you are perfectly shaped at age of 67 !

 

 

Let me ask you something , if you get breast cancer (hope never you will !)

and loose it , I bet your husband will still desire you ....

 

 

 

 

givology and Vows is the base , it seems nowadays it is rare thing .

[pepperbird]

!Let me ask you something , if you get breast cancer (hope never you will !)

and loose it , I bet your husband will still desire you ....

 

 

Are you frigging serious?

 

 

Her husband is obese because of choices he is making. It is almost one hundred percent under his control. Yes, it may be a really difficult road to lose weight, but it is something he can do. He can choose to put int he work and lose weight or he can choose to keep making unhealthy choices.

 

 

 

A woman ( or man) developing cancer and needed a mastectomy is so far separate they aren't even on the same planet. It's not as if there are choices involved.

[fifib]

I'd like to say a few things too. I don't go to the gym but I exercise too, walk a good distance every day and watch what I eat. So I take care of my health. I do cook but as said before, I work and he is retired and I can't control what he eats or buys.

But my main point is this: you can love someone despite finding them physically unattractive. I have kept my vows but I don't see how anyone can promise to continue to be turned on by someone no matter what. That is the core issue here. He wants me to find him sexually desirable and I simply don't. It's not in my control. No matter how much I give or how seriously I take my vows. I have supported and loved him through cancer and other illness. So I think it's unhelpful when you make the 'givology' comment.

 

 

OP , I just want to say that if you are lucky that your metabolism is working fine despite the fact that you seem not to do same efforts ; he is exercising and active , you need to encourage him by doing efforts in cooking healthy food , and choosing even kind of meat that is less harmful to him.

 

 

If you love him you would find him attractive even if obese ,

Your husband finds you attractive because he loves you , notbecause you are perfectly shaped at age of 67 !

 

 

Let me ask you something , if you get breast cancer (hope never you will !)

and loose it , I bet your husband will still desire you ....

 

 

 

 

givology and Vows is the base , it seems nowadays it is rare thing .

[newyorker11356]

They've been married 20 years. The average "in-love" experience lasts less than 2 years. You do the math.

 

If being "in-love" is a requisite for a relationship, people should not get married. Of course, that's why the commitment was created in the first place, for when people are no longer "in-love".

 

Freaking Hollywood...

 

Ah, you're damn right that me being in love with my partner is a requisite, lmao.

[overtherainbow1]

Ah, you're damn right that me being in love with my partner is a requisite, lmao.

 

Sounds like the fairytale is real! But like I said in the quote, if the average in love experience last 2 years, use logic to figure out if marriage can work for you. Although "in love" can be defined quite liberally.

[portwine49]

Is he depressed or could it be a health issue? Is he eating healthy.? As you are aging maybe present to him the idea making healthy lifestyle choices as being obese is dangerous and obviously causing you to feel not as attached to him. Try the other angle of empathy and support maybe, and see if he might be interested in a life or fitness coach to keep his health in check. As a reward, he gets a healthier lifestyle and higher energy and you will find him to attractive. I'm sure you love him so the comments to put up with it, are not what this is about. I bet you want the these best years to be filled with attraction, health and good energy. Try that approach as a suggestion. Look at the solution and not how to adapt or stay in the problem. You would be giving both him and you a gift by keeling he reinvent his body to a healthier place.

[fifib]

What to do? I first posted about this a couple of years ago. My husband is obese and it is a constant source of tension between us because I find it such a turnoff. It even makes him smell different. When we married we were both fit and trim. We have been married for more than 20 years, are now in our 60s/70s and have our share of wrinkles and grey hair and that's just fine. I am maybe 10lbs heavier but not overweight, he is clinically obese. He says that he is comfortable with his body and wants me to accept him as he is but I don't see how I can somehow think myself into being attracted and sexually responsive to him. I feel upset and sex is a duty not a pleasure. Nagging only makes it worse and he is upset because I don't desire him. He has lost weight twice due to illness but has piled it back again straight after. Advice to 'cook him healthy meals' doesn't work he just eats it then goes and finds sweet junk food or has a cheese sandwich before bed. He says he is happy with his weight. I can't control my lack of desire - and he thinks it's my fault I don't find him hot. 

[schlumpy]

Can you give me a better definition what you mean by "clinically Obese?' I say this because the government put out a thing called a BMI (Body Mass Index) which in my opinion is not realistic. I've seen people that look just fine to me but are "Obese" according to this standard. Is the BMI your standard candle?

 

[oldtruck]

I   do not fault you for being turned off by an overweight person or spouse.

that would be a big turn off for me.

drag him to MC. do not have junk foods in the house and no beer.

get him and you to find recreational activities that will burn calories. you have 10 lbs to

lose as well.

Edited February 23, 2020 by oldtruck

[elaine567]

BMI is a very good measuring stick for the average person.
It only really falls down in the case of really muscular men, where their extra weight is due to muscle and not fat.
Sportsmen, body builders etc.

But that point is moot as this is not really about his BMI. 
The OP is repulsed by his large size, full stop.

IIRC, the OP works full time but despite her promoting a healthy lifestyle and diet, he being retired just goes down the grocery store and buys,  cooks and eats what he wants during the day...
Apparently even his health scares did not get through to him...
If the sex with him in his present state is making you miserable then stop it.
At the moment there are no consequences to his actions.
He stuffs his face with junk food and you still give him sex.
 

[d0nnivain]

Like you said a few extra pounds would be OK; we all get them past a certain age but grossly overweight is another thing all together. 

I can understand him wanting to be loved for who he is as a person, no matter how large.  But I also understand you wanting the smaller guy you married back.  

Is he open to compromise at all?  First the junk food gets out of the house.  Second your routine together needs to include movement.  Can you take a walk together after dinner?  

You need to reassure him that you do love him the man but ask him to work with you on this so you can get back to the sex life you both miss.  

[thefooloftheyear]

I'm not much for passive aggressive tactics, but if it truly repulses you to have sex with him, then don't do it....

You will find that people will give you advice on what to say to him, how to encourage him, what to cook,  etc...Its well intentioned, but really if he doesn't recognize the problem himself(which is impossible), and take the initiative to do something about it, then all the advice you give is pointless.. Additionally, id think that if a person did something only because I badgered them, threatened them, whatever, then even if they did manage to get it done, it wouldn't  feel the same as if they did it on their own rather than being beaten into submission over it...

Id say that the only issue here is that due to his age, he may very well take pizza , some donuts or a good cheeseburger over some fun time in the bedroom...So withholding the sex may not have the same impact that it would for a younger guy with a higher t level/drive....Most obese men have horribly low T levels anyway....

TFY

[SummerDreams]

It's his right to eat whatever he wants, it's your right to stop sex for whatever reason. I don't see any other advise here.

[Gaeta]

Is he clinically obese level 1 or 2 or 3 ?

At level 3 with his age he is playing with a roulette Russe each day of his life with all types of cancer and stroke watching him. If something were to happen to him you'd be the one playing nurse to him for the rest of your life. I would threat the relationship. If he is clinically obese then he is eligible for a stomach reduction. I think only the risk of losing you may have him snap out of it. 

[carhill]

If you want to head to a dirt nap being with the fittest man on earth, this guy won't be him. 60's-70's everything is cast in stone, mostly, perhaps some wiggle room here and there.

I know an obese guy, he's 73, known him for 30 years, loves beer, now taking care of younger, fit wife who's end stage cancer. She never drank nor smoked always had a trim attractive shape. The fat guy is the caregiver. No guarantees in life.

[preraph]

People's bodies change as they get older, for a lot of reasons and it's not always eating too much.  But that said, at your ages, I would say it is perfectly in the norm to just refuses sex anymore.  I mean, lots of couples stop having sex when they get older.  Usually it's about arthritis and prolapses and things being uncomfortable and just not feeling sexy anymore.  Sleep in a separate bedroom so you don't have to get nagged every night.  Just tell him you're not interested in sex anymore and not sure you would be even if he lost weight.  

 

Tell him you love him but you don't equate love with servicing him sexually when you don't feel like it.  

Edited February 23, 2020 by preraph

[Els]

Well, this is a tough one. Losing weight is VERY difficult in your 70s, but then again so is forcing yourself to feel sexual desire for an obese person.

[preraph]

If you give him his own room, then he can feel free to take care of his own sexual needs.

[Happy Lemming]

Has his doctor advised him to lose weight?? What are his numbers like (blood sugar, cholesterol, etc.) and could you this as motivation for him to get healthy??

I mean if your doctor tells you to change some aspect of your lifestyle, it is a good idea to listen!!

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Has his doctor advised him to lose weight?? What are his numbers like (blood sugar, cholesterol, etc.) and could you this as motivation for him to get healthy??

I mean if your doctor tells you to change some aspect of your lifestyle, it is a good idea to listen!!

Read the previous thread .
He had a bit of a "scare" and yes his doctor advised weight loss.
He complied with that advise for a while...

[fifib]

8 hours ago, oldtruck said:

I   do not fault you for being turned off by an overweight person or spouse.

that would be a big turn off for me.

drag him to MC. do not have junk foods in the house and no beer.

get him and you to find recreational activities that will burn calories. you have 10 lbs to

lose as well.

So how do I ban junk foods when he refuses to stop buying and cooking them? He burns some calories at the gym but the issue is his appetite is out of line with his calorie needs. Hard for me too when I eat a salad but have to say no to the chips he cooks on the side and the beers and wine he keeps getting. He will come for a bike ride on the weekend but hates walking. What's MC?

[fifib]

8 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Can you give me a better definition what you mean by "clinically Obese?' I say this because the government put out a thing called a BMI (Body Mass Index) which in my opinion is not realistic. I've seen people that look just fine to me but are "Obese" according to this standard. Is the BMI your standard candle?

 

His BMI is low 30s but it's the big gut that's the issue rather than the BMI number. Its weight in the unhealthiest place.

[fifib]

5 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

I'm not much for passive aggressive tactics, but if it truly repulses you to have sex with him, then don't do it....

You will find that people will give you advice on what to say to him, how to encourage him, what to cook,  etc...Its well intentioned, but really if he doesn't recognize the problem himself(which is impossible), and take the initiative to do something about it, then all the advice you give is pointless.. Additionally, id think that if a person did something only because I badgered them, threatened them, whatever, then even if they did manage to get it done, it wouldn't  feel the same as if they did it on their own rather than being beaten into submission over it...

Id say that the only issue here is that due to his age, he may very well take pizza , some donuts or a good cheeseburger over some fun time in the bedroom...So withholding the sex may not have the same impact that it would for a younger guy with a higher t level/drive....Most obese men have horribly low T levels anyway....

TFY

His t levels seem just fine. He is frustrated by my lack of desire for him. It's an impasse we can't break - he is hurt because he believes that I should fancy him if I love him so I must be shallow and I am turned off by his body. It's not even about withholding sex, he doesn't want 'duty sex' which is what he gets. And not that often.