Update on me

[vla1120]

20 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

My life doesn’t make sense and I’ve made bad decisions. I need help. This is real, not a troll. 

Here's help:  Pretty much everyone has given the same advice. STOP looking at the OW's photos. Unfriend her. Every time the OW enters your mind, change your thoughts, instead, to what you can do today for your wife to make her life a little more pleasant. 

[stillafool]

On 2/24/2020 at 5:37 PM, Luvmykidz said:

Thanks everyone for telling me what I need to know about myself. I know that I have a serious problem and trust me, I’ve been praying for years that I can just fall out of love with this OW but the more I try to fight it, the stronger it becomes. I’m addicted, I guess. 

Do you expect God to answer your prayers when you know perfectly well you are deceiving your wife?

[2BGoodAgain]

All - presuming this isn't a troll post....and he genuinely doesn't see his issues here... it's very possible, everyone. Someone can go years or an entire lifetime without seeing what they do..

Many times, we see the onion as a whole and think that's all there is to it. But people are like onions, as the saying goes... each layer incredibly difficult and each layer revealing another layer beneath. This person may just be very unaware of the many layers behind his actions. 

As for the person who posted this... read the posts above. They are all, in my opinion, quite accurate about what you wrote.  I highly recommend you seek help in uncovering YOU. B/c right now, you may think you have the all the exterior parts right(the marriage, the kids, etc)... but it's all a fascade, b/c you're very actions have shown to many of us, just how very self-aware you are not...

Good luck to you. I wish you the best.

 

[stillafool]

On 2/24/2020 at 1:02 PM, Luvmykidz said:

If it were the other way around, I would leave. 

Why not leave now since you want the OW?  If you could leave your kids because your wife cheated; why not leave for your own cheating?

[Daisydooks]

21 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

Thanks for the insight. I guess this is a lot more serious than i thought. Didn’t realize I’m causing harm to anyone.

Are you actually serious? You would divorce your wife if she did this (your words.) But you don't realize you are causing anyone harm? You cannot be for real. You would leave your wife if she was harming your relationship in this way but you cant for the life  of you see how you are harming your wife and marriage by doing the same? That is insanity at its finest.  You would leave her, but cant actually see how youre causing harm by doing something you would leave your wife over? Give me a break. Open your eyes, OP

21 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

Pardon my ignorance, but can you explain how I’m ruining my marriage just by looking at her posts? 

Why don't you tell your wife you are doing it? Your wife may explain it best. You cannot be this ignorant. It isn't about the posts you like. It is about the sheer and utter disrespect you have for your wife. Your entire marriage is a lie. Your reconciliation is a lie. Its all a sham and your wife deserves better than this. Why cant you see this?

You should divorce her so SHE can finally live a happy life without a lying, cheating, douchy partner. We know, we know, youre happy so YOU don't want to divorce. What if I told you this isn't all about you? 

Edited February 26, 2020 by Daisydooks

[preraph]

Treat others as you yourself would like to be treated.  You seem oblivious that people have feelings!

[DKT3]

For anyone who questions it, this is what a unremorseful spouse looks like.

OP saw how his affair wrecked his wife and marriage,  yet he doesn't have the foresight or empathy to understand how his behavior is a continuing to risk it and keeping him from fully engaging in his marriage.  Its clear he doesn't get any of it from his comments about his wife doing everything to make him happy and saying he has done  *SOME WORK*. Unbelievable 

[Luvmykidz]

On 2/25/2020 at 7:41 PM, S2B said:

I am disgusted that you could type this after all the posters here have spelled it out for you.

go back and read from your first post. YOU cause harm to BOTH women... because you are selfish, ignorant and disrespectful.

i get it now - that’s who you are. You have NO intention of changing a thing. It’s no wonder your counselor didn’t help you.

what was your purpose in posting this thread? 

My purpose was to give an update on where I am now 

8 hours ago, S2B said:

You yourself placed this thread in the infidelity section - so at the very least you must subconsciously know your still cheating mentally and emotionally.

if your focusing ANY energy on the OW - you’re not thinking of how your wife must feel (especially IF she knew what you’re doing).

or just get honest and tell your wife!

Yeah, my wife wont leave me over social media likes, I can guarantee it. She didn’t leave me for having two affairs... 

8 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Here's help:  Pretty much everyone has given the same advice. STOP looking at the OW's photos. Unfriend her. Every time the OW enters your mind, change your thoughts, instead, to what you can do today for your wife to make her life a little more pleasant. 

Good advice. Now to actually follow it

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

Do you expect God to answer your prayers when you know perfectly well you are deceiving your wife?

Good point. Yes, I expect God to do that. God still blesses us when we make mistakes. I’ve made many

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

Why not leave now since you want the OW?  If you could leave your kids because your wife cheated; why not leave for your own cheating?

It’s complicated. I want the OW but not at the expense of my family. 

6 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

Are you actually serious? You would divorce your wife if she did this (your words.) But you don't realize you are causing anyone harm? You cannot be for real. You would leave your wife if she was harming your relationship in this way but you cant for the life  of you see how you are harming your wife and marriage by doing the same? That is insanity at its finest.  You would leave her, but cant actually see how youre causing harm by doing something you would leave your wife over? Give me a break. Open your eyes, OP

Why don't you tell your wife you are doing it? Your wife may explain it best. You cannot be this ignorant. It isn't about the posts you like. It is about the sheer and utter disrespect you have for your wife. Your entire marriage is a lie. Your reconciliation is a lie. Its all a sham and your wife deserves better than this. Why cant you see this?

You should divorce her so SHE can finally live a happy life without a lying, cheating, douchy partner. We know, we know, youre happy so YOU don't want to divorce. What if I told you this isn't all about you? 

She makes a decision to stay. She knows who I am and still stays.

6 hours ago, DKT3 said:

For anyone who questions it, this is what a unremorseful spouse looks like.

OP saw how his affair wrecked his wife and marriage,  yet he doesn't have the foresight or empathy to understand how his behavior is a continuing to risk it and keeping him from fully engaging in his marriage.  Its clear he doesn't get any of it from his comments about his wife doing everything to make him happy and saying he has done  *SOME WORK*. Unbelievable 

I thought I was remorseful until I came here and you guys called me out on my behavior 

[Luvmykidz]

6 hours ago, preraph said:

Treat others as you yourself would like to be treated.  You seem oblivious that people have feelings!

I’m not oblivious to feelings but it seems like I’m the villain for feeling the way I do and my actions but my W decides to stay with me. She’s making that choice 

[Daisydooks]

36 minutes ago, Luvmykidz said:

She makes a decision to stay. She knows who I am and still stays.

No she doesnt. She has no idea who you are.  She has no idea this was one of your OWs. She has no idea you're liking a former OWs post and checking her social media daily... funny that's how she found out about a different OW? She doesnt know youre "addicted" to another woman her. She has no idea you only married her because she got pregnant but that you're pining for  your exOW daily.  I bet you if you told her, she would feel less inclined to stay because she will feel like she doesnt know you at all.  Your marriage in her eyes would be a complete sham. It would to me. I dont doubt you feel you're remorseful. You just have no boundaries which is why you screwed around on her to begin with. Your lack of boundaries will forever get you in hot water. 

You know you have issues as stated by you here.  You wont fix them unless and until you stop pretending life is just ducky. Be open to learning where you are going wrong instead or spouting off silly answers like this. You'll lose your wife and lifestyle with your kid/s, but just know, no matter what kind of dream you lived with exOW, she has moved on and nothing with her will ever be normal or right again either, no matter what your imagination tells you if you were to have left your wife for her. It sounds like OW has moved on.  Let her and remove yourself. Seriously. Its creepy and weird. You're married. You sound like a creep who cant get over it and married the wrong girl. You'll realize too late she IS the right girl but you lack boundaries and will ruin it at some point if you continue this way. The best course is to block OW and just leave her alone. Be done. Be gone.

Let's be honest about how much she actually knows. You would be honest with her if you felt the statement you made was true. She stays because she has no idea the half of it. 

When she knows everything you have posted here, then we can chat about how honest you are. 

Also, not a single person agrees with you. We cant all be wrong in our advice to you. Lol. Open your eyes, stop talking, start taking advice if you want to salvage your marriage. Your wife will find out whether you tell her or not. Women who have been cheated on are not morons. And to think, she will catch you in the act the same exact way she did before. Damn. It's a pity you have no ability to foresee that

[Daisydooks]

57 minutes ago, Luvmykidz said:

I’m not oblivious to feelings but it seems like I’m the villain for feeling the way I do and my actions but my W decides to stay with me. She’s making that choice 

Without having all the information to make an informed decision, mind you. 

You are not a villain for your feelings. You lack boundaries and are on track to ruining your marriage. There is a difference. 

Edited February 27, 2020 by Daisydooks

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

Yeah, my wife wont leave me over social media likes, I can guarantee it.

But you would leave her if she did the same.

Ask your wife what she thinks of you liking posts of a woman you had an affair with and is still in love with.

I can GUARANTEE that she will be out that door.

Do it. Ask her what she thinks.  

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

She makes a decision to stay. She knows who I am and still stays.

But she doesn't know what you are doing. 

 

4 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

She didn’t leave me for having two affairs... 

You have no respect for your wife. 

You hurt the one person you vowed to be faithful to.

And even now she still continue to destroy those vows.

[Starswillshine]

It can be seen in a other way.... 

Why doesnt your wife know who this IW is? Did you refuse to tell her? 

It is possible, OP has emotionally beaten down this woman and she has zero self esteem left. She is doing everything she can to keep this man happy because he thinks so little of her and she thinks so little of herself. 

OP, your actions are akin to someone laying on the ground already beaten, and you continuing to kick her and spit on her because she is so "weak." It is disgusting behavior and completely inhumane. 

[pepperbird]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

so this IS your post from back in June 2018... you promising you wouldn’t like her posts. You knew already ALL the info we have been saying - yet you keep arguing your side in a selfish manner. Both women deserve better.

you knew then that liking and posting on her FB page was hurtful to HER. Yet you consciously chose to start hurting her by liking her posts.

stop hurting her! You ended it with this OW with no explanation. That sucks for her!

you also told your wife you slept with her once - which is untrue. Your wife also has NO idea you’ve been in love with this OW your entire adult life. I think it’s time your wife gets some truths from you.

 

does your wife work? Does she earn decent money?

How many times did you see a counselor? I’d like to know a direct answer for that question.

someone can spend a lifetime in counselling and get nothing from it.  OP, I;m still not understanding why you couldn't see your continuing to be in contact with your ex-ow wouldn't be hurtful to your wife? You say yourself that, if the shoe was on the other foot, you'd leave, but you subject your wife to this same behaviour.

Really think about that.

[Bittersweetie]

When I was in my affair, my H made a big career decision. He told me later that if he had known what I was doing, he would've made a different choice. He based his decision on what he thought was real...not reality. I took the truth of his life away from him.

And if your wife does not know everything, that is what you are doing to her. Have you had more children? Bought a home? Gone on trips? All these choices she has made without the truth of her own life: the truth being that you are in love with someone else. Is that fair? Can you see how hurtful and disrespectful that is? She is staying with you based on only a portion of the truth. Can you understand that fact?

[Luvmykidz]

9 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

It can be seen in a other way.... 

Why doesnt your wife know who this IW is? Did you refuse to tell her? 

It is possible, OP has emotionally beaten down this woman and she has zero self esteem left. She is doing everything she can to keep this man happy because he thinks so little of her and she thinks so little of herself. 

OP, your actions are akin to someone laying on the ground already beaten, and you continuing to kick her and spit on her because she is so "weak." It is disgusting behavior and completely inhumane. 

I didn’t give her name because I know she’ll contact her.. 

[Starswillshine]

2 minutes ago, Luvmykidz said:

I didn’t give her name because I know she’ll contact her.. 

And???????????? 

[Luvmykidz]

14 hours ago, S2B said:

so this IS your post from back in June 2018... you promising you wouldn’t like her posts. You knew already ALL the info we have been saying - yet you keep arguing your side in a selfish manner. Both women deserve better.

you knew then that liking and posting on her FB page was hurtful to HER. Yet you consciously chose to start hurting her by liking her posts.

stop hurting her! You ended it with this OW with no explanation. That sucks for her!

you also told your wife you slept with her once - which is untrue. Your wife also has NO idea you’ve been in love with this OW your entire adult life. I think it’s time your wife gets some truths from you.

 

does your wife work? Does she earn decent money?

How many times did you see a counselor? I’d like to know a direct answer for that question.

I know I have skeletons in the closet. I did go to counseling for six months when I first made my post. My plan was to not disrupt the OW again but then I cracked after I stopped going to counseling. Maybe the counseling did help me. My W works and doesn’t earn much so she decides to keep it all to herself. I pay all of the bills and she prefers it that way. Maybe she’s building up a stash for the day she walks out. I don’t know

14 hours ago, S2B said:

My guess is because this second OW now has herself an available man she’s interested in.

so he stayed with his wife (as his plan B). 
 

and likely he doesn’t want to be alone with just himself - so staying is his way of “not being alone”. If only his wife knew how he really feels.

and meanwhile he “pretends” it’s a healthy marriage to outsiders. The marriage is a farce because of the way you have participated OP.

start participating in an authentic way. Hopefully you know what that means - your counselor can help you learn about that.

your posts seem very emotionally removed. Like you are a bystander in your own choices/life.

you do realize you CAN choose to divorce your wife right? You don’t need her permission. 
 

is she the controlling wife/and this is your way of getting back at her?

Always been controlling. I am not allowed to go out with my friends and all of my social life consists of dad things. 

[Luvmykidz]

1 minute ago, Starswillshine said:

And???????????? 

The OW does not deserve to have her life disrupted and dragged into our drama. 

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, Luvmykidz said:

The OW does not deserve to have her life disrupted and dragged into our drama. 

Ummmm.... she was a part of this. She deserves it as well. Your protection of her over your wife is disgusting. 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Luvmykidz said:

The OW does not deserve to have her life disrupted and dragged into our drama. 

Why not?  She's disrupting your wife's.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Luvmykidz said:

 I am not allowed to go out with my friends and all of my social life consists of dad things. 

You are not a child.  You can always hire a babysitter and take your wife out and have a social life together.

[spiritedaway2003]

OP, you need to figure out if even want to stay in your marriage.  I think part of the larger problem is that you're too passive in your own choices - what it is you really want.  Just glancing through your other threads, it appeared that you only got married because of your kids.  When your W wants to work on your marriage, you stayed because she was putting in the efforts to make it work.  You tried to put in the effort to go NC but you weren't "all-in".   Since this isn't your only A, you might want to spend some time thinking about why you kept looking outside of your marriage.   Are you trying to sabotage your marriage?  If you want to save your marriage, you need to figure out what you should (or shouldn't do, in this case) to re-build it.  Otherwise, your already fragile marriage might come tumbling down sooner or later. 

2 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

The OW does not deserve to have her life disrupted and dragged into our drama. 

 

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Ummmm.... she was a part of this. She deserves it as well. Your protection of her over your wife is disgusting. 

Well, this is a matter of perspective. There are nuances in an A. My guess is that OP was probably the "pursuer" in the A. If the OP's OW had already moved on and gone NC (which isn't necessarily an easy thing to do either, if you look at the OW/OM forum),  additional contact from either of them would drag her into more drama.  She's already gone NC. The problem of continually stalking her social media is a problem that's largely on his end.

Edited February 27, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[Luvmykidz]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

You are not a child.  You can always hire a babysitter and take your wife out and have a social life together.

I understand that but sometimes I need male fellowship. There’s more to life than just being with my W.