Update on me

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

Yeah, my wife wont leave me over social media likes, I can guarantee it.

But you would leave her if she did the same.

Ask your wife what she thinks of you liking posts of a woman you had an affair with and is still in love with.

I can GUARANTEE that she will be out that door.

Do it. Ask her what she thinks.  

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

She makes a decision to stay. She knows who I am and still stays.

But she doesn't know what you are doing. 

 

4 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

She didn’t leave me for having two affairs... 

You have no respect for your wife. 

You hurt the one person you vowed to be faithful to.

And even now she still continue to destroy those vows.

[S2B]

I agree, your wife stays because she has no idea what’s real and who you really are.

you are not who she THINKS you are. 

[Starswillshine]

It can be seen in a other way.... 

Why doesnt your wife know who this IW is? Did you refuse to tell her? 

It is possible, OP has emotionally beaten down this woman and she has zero self esteem left. She is doing everything she can to keep this man happy because he thinks so little of her and she thinks so little of herself. 

OP, your actions are akin to someone laying on the ground already beaten, and you continuing to kick her and spit on her because she is so "weak." It is disgusting behavior and completely inhumane. 

[pepperbird]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

so this IS your post from back in June 2018... you promising you wouldn’t like her posts. You knew already ALL the info we have been saying - yet you keep arguing your side in a selfish manner. Both women deserve better.

you knew then that liking and posting on her FB page was hurtful to HER. Yet you consciously chose to start hurting her by liking her posts.

stop hurting her! You ended it with this OW with no explanation. That sucks for her!

you also told your wife you slept with her once - which is untrue. Your wife also has NO idea you’ve been in love with this OW your entire adult life. I think it’s time your wife gets some truths from you.

 

does your wife work? Does she earn decent money?

How many times did you see a counselor? I’d like to know a direct answer for that question.

someone can spend a lifetime in counselling and get nothing from it.  OP, I;m still not understanding why you couldn't see your continuing to be in contact with your ex-ow wouldn't be hurtful to your wife? You say yourself that, if the shoe was on the other foot, you'd leave, but you subject your wife to this same behaviour.

Really think about that.

[Bittersweetie]

When I was in my affair, my H made a big career decision. He told me later that if he had known what I was doing, he would've made a different choice. He based his decision on what he thought was real...not reality. I took the truth of his life away from him.

And if your wife does not know everything, that is what you are doing to her. Have you had more children? Bought a home? Gone on trips? All these choices she has made without the truth of her own life: the truth being that you are in love with someone else. Is that fair? Can you see how hurtful and disrespectful that is? She is staying with you based on only a portion of the truth. Can you understand that fact?

[Luvmykidz]

9 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

It can be seen in a other way.... 

Why doesnt your wife know who this IW is? Did you refuse to tell her? 

It is possible, OP has emotionally beaten down this woman and she has zero self esteem left. She is doing everything she can to keep this man happy because he thinks so little of her and she thinks so little of herself. 

OP, your actions are akin to someone laying on the ground already beaten, and you continuing to kick her and spit on her because she is so "weak." It is disgusting behavior and completely inhumane. 

I didn’t give her name because I know she’ll contact her.. 

[Starswillshine]

2 minutes ago, Luvmykidz said:

I didn’t give her name because I know she’ll contact her.. 

And???????????? 

[Luvmykidz]

14 hours ago, S2B said:

so this IS your post from back in June 2018... you promising you wouldn’t like her posts. You knew already ALL the info we have been saying - yet you keep arguing your side in a selfish manner. Both women deserve better.

you knew then that liking and posting on her FB page was hurtful to HER. Yet you consciously chose to start hurting her by liking her posts.

stop hurting her! You ended it with this OW with no explanation. That sucks for her!

you also told your wife you slept with her once - which is untrue. Your wife also has NO idea you’ve been in love with this OW your entire adult life. I think it’s time your wife gets some truths from you.

 

does your wife work? Does she earn decent money?

How many times did you see a counselor? I’d like to know a direct answer for that question.

I know I have skeletons in the closet. I did go to counseling for six months when I first made my post. My plan was to not disrupt the OW again but then I cracked after I stopped going to counseling. Maybe the counseling did help me. My W works and doesn’t earn much so she decides to keep it all to herself. I pay all of the bills and she prefers it that way. Maybe she’s building up a stash for the day she walks out. I don’t know

14 hours ago, S2B said:

My guess is because this second OW now has herself an available man she’s interested in.

so he stayed with his wife (as his plan B). 
 

and likely he doesn’t want to be alone with just himself - so staying is his way of “not being alone”. If only his wife knew how he really feels.

and meanwhile he “pretends” it’s a healthy marriage to outsiders. The marriage is a farce because of the way you have participated OP.

start participating in an authentic way. Hopefully you know what that means - your counselor can help you learn about that.

your posts seem very emotionally removed. Like you are a bystander in your own choices/life.

you do realize you CAN choose to divorce your wife right? You don’t need her permission. 
 

is she the controlling wife/and this is your way of getting back at her?

Always been controlling. I am not allowed to go out with my friends and all of my social life consists of dad things. 

[Luvmykidz]

1 minute ago, Starswillshine said:

And???????????? 

The OW does not deserve to have her life disrupted and dragged into our drama. 

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, Luvmykidz said:

The OW does not deserve to have her life disrupted and dragged into our drama. 

Ummmm.... she was a part of this. She deserves it as well. Your protection of her over your wife is disgusting. 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Luvmykidz said:

The OW does not deserve to have her life disrupted and dragged into our drama. 

Why not?  She's disrupting your wife's.

[S2B]

I agree, your wife stays because she has no idea what’s real and who you really are.

you are not who she THINKS you are. 
 

protecting the identity of your OW is just ANOTHER betrayal to your wife.

how many ways are you going to betray her?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Luvmykidz said:

 I am not allowed to go out with my friends and all of my social life consists of dad things. 

You are not a child.  You can always hire a babysitter and take your wife out and have a social life together.

[S2B]

I think he was saying his wife never trusts him to go out without her. There is good reason - he’s never been forthcoming and completely honest with her - so he’s not “allowed” to go out with friends because he hasn’t earned her trust back.

thats the crux of this - his actions haven’t handed her peace of mind on a silver platter... he’s still keeping secrets from his wife and she is well aware of those secrets. There’s no trust within this marriage - so it has NO foundation. It will come crumbling down unless he starts participating differently.

[spiritedaway2003]

OP, you need to figure out if even want to stay in your marriage.  I think part of the larger problem is that you're too passive in your own choices - what it is you really want.  Just glancing through your other threads, it appeared that you only got married because of your kids.  When your W wants to work on your marriage, you stayed because she was putting in the efforts to make it work.  You tried to put in the effort to go NC but you weren't "all-in".   Since this isn't your only A, you might want to spend some time thinking about why you kept looking outside of your marriage.   Are you trying to sabotage your marriage?  If you want to save your marriage, you need to figure out what you should (or shouldn't do, in this case) to re-build it.  Otherwise, your already fragile marriage might come tumbling down sooner or later. 

2 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

The OW does not deserve to have her life disrupted and dragged into our drama. 

 

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Ummmm.... she was a part of this. She deserves it as well. Your protection of her over your wife is disgusting. 

Well, this is a matter of perspective. There are nuances in an A. My guess is that OP was probably the "pursuer" in the A. If the OP's OW had already moved on and gone NC (which isn't necessarily an easy thing to do either, if you look at the OW/OM forum),  additional contact from either of them would drag her into more drama.  She's already gone NC. The problem of continually stalking her social media is a problem that's largely on his end.

Edited February 27, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[S2B]

26 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

OP, you need to figure out if even want to stay in your marriage.  I think part of the larger problem is that you're too passive in your own choices - what it is you really want.  Just glancing through your other threads, it appeared that you only got married because of your kids.  When your W wants to work on your marriage, you stayed because she was putting in the efforts to make it work.  You tried to put in the effort to go NC but you weren't "all-in".   Since this isn't your only A, you might want to spend some time thinking about why you kept looking outside of your marriage.   Are you trying to sabotage your marriage?  If you want to save your marriage, you need to figure out what you should (or shouldn't do, in this case) to re-build it.  Otherwise, your already fragile marriage might come tumbling down sooner or later. 

 

Well, this is a matter of perspective. There are nuances in an A. My guess is that OP was probably the "pursuer" in the A. If the OP's OW had already moved on and gone NC (which isn't necessarily an easy thing to do either, if you look at the OW/OM forum),  additional contact from either of them would drag her into more drama.  She's already gone NC. The problem of continually stalking her social media is a problem that's largely on his end.

Well sure... and mentally and emotionally he’s not likely to “get connected” to his wife while he’s still looking over at his OW.

she is a barrier that blocks his ability to get close to his wife. The other thing blocking the intimacy level is all the lies and secrecy within his marriage that HE has created. Without honesty, he’s got a barrier up that harms his marriage/wife.

so all of this is on him - he’s STILL purposely ruining his marriage without technically cheating at the moment.

he also has the power to change this.

do you even want to change the way you participate within your marriage? ...in order to begin to make it healthier?

[Luvmykidz]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

You are not a child.  You can always hire a babysitter and take your wife out and have a social life together.

I understand that but sometimes I need male fellowship. There’s more to life than just being with my W. 

[Luvmykidz]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Well sure... and mentally and emotionally he’s not likely to “get connected” to his wife while he’s still looking over at his OW.

she is a barrier that blocks his ability to get close to his wife. The other thing blocking the intimacy level is all the lies and secrecy within his marriage that HE has created. Without honesty, he’s got a barrier up that harms his marriage/wife.

so all of this is on him - he’s STILL purposely ruining his marriage without technically cheating at the moment.

he also has the power to change this.

do you even want to change the way you participate within your marriage? ...in order to begin to make it healthier?

So do you think my wife can tell them I’m liking the posts? Do you think she notices a difference in me? 

[S2B]

4 minutes ago, Luvmykidz said:

So do you think my wife can tell them I’m liking the posts? Do you think she notices a difference in me? 

The better question would be -

do you think you are honestly thinking of your wife and family and THEIR best interest when you are stalking your OW?

you are not a good husband and father while you do that. It’s just a selfish act.

you promised in 2918 you would never go to her FB page again much less ever like her posts - so now you broke that promise you made to yourself!

it causes harm to do it! Why would you keep doing it?

get an appt with a counselor again! You need support to be accountable - to stop causing harm to everyone.

[mark clemson]

 Hmmm hmmm.

I respect you for attempting to reform. Many marriages are NOT all beds of roses as most of the posters here know. Nor do I think that casting you as some sort of abuser is entirely fair. You are however, certainly deceiving your wife. You are genuinely attempting to make the marriage work (now) but you clearly have signficant weaknesses and character flaws. We all do, although some are more dangerous to a marriage than others. Whether yours end up destroying the marriage remain to be seen, but part of what folks are reacting to here is that you are dancing way too close to that volcano and putting it all at risk.

On 2/23/2020 at 7:57 PM, Luvmykidz said:

My M is back on track again and better than its ever been. My W does not want to lose me and has done everything she can to keep me happy.  I have also done some work on myself and don’t want to lose my W.

Never let others tell you what you do or don't deserve in life. Not everyone thinks the same way and if everyone routinely got what they deserved (good or bad) we'd live in a very different world.

If your xOW were posting here, everyone would be telling her that you're where you WANT to be. They'd be right. But here YOU are posting and some folks are telling you to end the marriage. That's not what you want and it's not what your wife wants either, although she doesn't know the FULL truth. If you're not going to tell her the truth, you need to be REAL careful in this situation. And you're not being careful at all. To the extent that you're trying to protect her from your past behaviors and turn over a new leaf, you're not doing a good job.

It's all well and good to talk about authenticity, but authenticity only gets you so far. It doesn't necessarily get you through the tough parts of a marriage when you very genuinely and authentically feel like walking out. Neither is total honesty a great idea IMO (how do those pants make her butt look again?)**. Commitment is required to make a marriage last and you are at least trying to do that. Commitment is what gets you though the s****y parts. IF your wife ever finds out the truth, it will be a BIG test of her commitment. Possibly TOO big. And finding out that you continued following this OW would NOT help at all.

 

On 2/24/2020 at 10:07 AM, Luvmykidz said:

I’ve had many counseling sessions. The problem is I’m in love with another W and always have been. Should I break up my  marriage for that? No. 

You mention love and you mention addiction. I'm not sure what you mean. If it's limerence, you need to block the OW and wait it out. If it's love, you're going to have to give her up as it's what your and her choices require. If you have a deeply rooted needed for female validation to feel happy, you probably could use some IC. If it's just excuses to cave to your desire to "see her" on social, then you need to suck it up.

Despite some of the things I've said above, I'm in 100% agreement with everyone that any way you slice it, you need to stop the social media stuff. If you're going to commit to the marriage, then REALLY commit. Get most of your needs met by your wife, make sure you're meeting hers, stop this and love, cherish and honor her. You could express your need for some guy friendships and then go out and seek them. (Just be sure she is getting the support she needs, from you, with your child.) Since you've committed to try to make it work, then try to make it work. You may be shocked if your marriage outlasts some that seemed to start on much firmer ground. No guarantees, but there never are.

 

**An affair is A LOT worse than a white lie. Point conceded.

[S2B]

2 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

I understand that but sometimes I need male fellowship. There’s more to life than just being with my W. 

Then start earning her trust. The things you have been doing isn’t earning her trust.

invite a few friends over to your place. Having the first gathering at home should reassure your wife that you need to see make friends - but you’re not out because you are on the prowl - or worse yet meeting up with the OW - because I’m sure that a concern your wife must have.

when you met up with the OW - where did you tell your wife you were?  What did she think you were doing during those blocks of your free time?

[Luvmykidz]

18 minutes ago, S2B said:

Then start earning her trust. The things you have been doing isn’t earning her trust.

invite a few friends over to your place. Having the first gathering at home should reassure your wife that you need to see make friends - but you’re not out because you are on the prowl - or worse yet meeting up with the OW - because I’m sure that a concern your wife must have.

when you met up with the OW - where did you tell your wife you were?  What did she think you were doing during those blocks of your free time?

The three times I met up with the OW, I told her I was going to the store, range, and to see an old friend from college

[Luvmykidz]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

 Hmmm hmmm.

I respect you for attempting to reform. Many marriages are NOT all beds of roses as most of the posters here know. Nor do I think that casting you as some sort of abuser is entirely fair. You are however, certainly deceiving your wife. You are genuinely attempting to make the marriage work (now) but you clearly have signficant weaknesses and character flaws. We all do, although some are more dangerous to a marriage than others. Whether yours end up destroying the marriage remain to be seen, but part of what folks are reacting to here is that you are dancing way too close to that volcano and putting it all at risk.

Never let others tell you what you do or don't deserve in life. Not everyone thinks the same way and if everyone routinely got what they deserved (good or bad) we'd live in a very different world.

If your xOW were posting here, everyone would be telling her that you're where you WANT to be. They'd be right. But here YOU are posting and some folks are telling you to end the marriage. That's not what you want and it's not what your wife wants either, although she doesn't know the FULL truth. If you're not going to tell her the truth, you need to be REAL careful in this situation. And you're not being careful at all. To the extent that you're trying to protect her from your past behaviors and turn over a new leaf, you're not doing a good job.

It's all well and good to talk about authenticity, but authenticity only gets you so far. It doesn't necessarily get you through the tough parts of a marriage when you very genuinely and authentically feel like walking out. Neither is total honesty a great idea IMO (how do those pants make her butt look again?)**. Commitment is required to make a marriage last and you are at least trying to do that. Commitment is what gets you though the s****y parts. IF your wife ever finds out the truth, it will be a BIG test of her commitment. Possibly TOO big. And finding out that you continued following this OW would NOT help at all.

 

You mention love and you mention addiction. I'm not sure what you mean. If it's limerence, you need to block the OW and wait it out. If it's love, you're going to have to give her up as it's what your and her choices require. If you have a deeply rooted needed for female validation to feel happy, you probably could use some IC. If it's just excuses to cave to your desire to "see her" on social, then you need to suck it up.

Despite some of the things I've said above, I'm in 100% agreement with everyone that any way you slice it, you need to stop the social media stuff. If you're going to commit to the marriage, then REALLY commit. Get most of your needs met by your wife, make sure you're meeting hers, stop this and love, cherish and honor her. You could express your need for some guy friendships and then go out and seek them. (Just be sure she is getting the support she needs, from you, with your child.) Since you've committed to try to make it work, then try to make it work. You may be shocked if your marriage outlasts some that seemed to start on much firmer ground. No guarantees, but there never are.

 

**An affair is A LOT worse than a white lie. Point conceded.

Ok, I’m deceiving her. Your post is helping me. Thank you

[S2B]

32 minutes ago, Luvmykidz said:

The three times I met up with the OW, I told her I was going to the store, range, and to see an old friend from college

So can you understand why it would make your wife uncomfortable if you go ”out with friends”? She’s suspicious and doesn’t trust you. For good reason, heck - you are the guy still checking up on the woman you cheated on her with.

can you see she’s worried about the very thing you are doing behind her back.

iF you were restoring HER peace of mind - she wouldn’t be making these demands that put the screws to you... but boy you sure have earned it.

so why are you complaining about not being able to play with your male friends?