Update on me

[Luvmykidz]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Well sure... and mentally and emotionally he’s not likely to “get connected” to his wife while he’s still looking over at his OW.

she is a barrier that blocks his ability to get close to his wife. The other thing blocking the intimacy level is all the lies and secrecy within his marriage that HE has created. Without honesty, he’s got a barrier up that harms his marriage/wife.

so all of this is on him - he’s STILL purposely ruining his marriage without technically cheating at the moment.

he also has the power to change this.

do you even want to change the way you participate within your marriage? ...in order to begin to make it healthier?

So do you think my wife can tell them I’m liking the posts? Do you think she notices a difference in me? 

[mark clemson]

 Hmmm hmmm.

I respect you for attempting to reform. Many marriages are NOT all beds of roses as most of the posters here know. Nor do I think that casting you as some sort of abuser is entirely fair. You are however, certainly deceiving your wife. You are genuinely attempting to make the marriage work (now) but you clearly have signficant weaknesses and character flaws. We all do, although some are more dangerous to a marriage than others. Whether yours end up destroying the marriage remain to be seen, but part of what folks are reacting to here is that you are dancing way too close to that volcano and putting it all at risk.

On 2/23/2020 at 7:57 PM, Luvmykidz said:

My M is back on track again and better than its ever been. My W does not want to lose me and has done everything she can to keep me happy.  I have also done some work on myself and don’t want to lose my W.

Never let others tell you what you do or don't deserve in life. Not everyone thinks the same way and if everyone routinely got what they deserved (good or bad) we'd live in a very different world.

If your xOW were posting here, everyone would be telling her that you're where you WANT to be. They'd be right. But here YOU are posting and some folks are telling you to end the marriage. That's not what you want and it's not what your wife wants either, although she doesn't know the FULL truth. If you're not going to tell her the truth, you need to be REAL careful in this situation. And you're not being careful at all. To the extent that you're trying to protect her from your past behaviors and turn over a new leaf, you're not doing a good job.

It's all well and good to talk about authenticity, but authenticity only gets you so far. It doesn't necessarily get you through the tough parts of a marriage when you very genuinely and authentically feel like walking out. Neither is total honesty a great idea IMO (how do those pants make her butt look again?)**. Commitment is required to make a marriage last and you are at least trying to do that. Commitment is what gets you though the s****y parts. IF your wife ever finds out the truth, it will be a BIG test of her commitment. Possibly TOO big. And finding out that you continued following this OW would NOT help at all.

 

On 2/24/2020 at 10:07 AM, Luvmykidz said:

I’ve had many counseling sessions. The problem is I’m in love with another W and always have been. Should I break up my  marriage for that? No. 

You mention love and you mention addiction. I'm not sure what you mean. If it's limerence, you need to block the OW and wait it out. If it's love, you're going to have to give her up as it's what your and her choices require. If you have a deeply rooted needed for female validation to feel happy, you probably could use some IC. If it's just excuses to cave to your desire to "see her" on social, then you need to suck it up.

Despite some of the things I've said above, I'm in 100% agreement with everyone that any way you slice it, you need to stop the social media stuff. If you're going to commit to the marriage, then REALLY commit. Get most of your needs met by your wife, make sure you're meeting hers, stop this and love, cherish and honor her. You could express your need for some guy friendships and then go out and seek them. (Just be sure she is getting the support she needs, from you, with your child.) Since you've committed to try to make it work, then try to make it work. You may be shocked if your marriage outlasts some that seemed to start on much firmer ground. No guarantees, but there never are.

 

**An affair is A LOT worse than a white lie. Point conceded.

[Luvmykidz]

18 minutes ago, S2B said:

Then start earning her trust. The things you have been doing isn’t earning her trust.

invite a few friends over to your place. Having the first gathering at home should reassure your wife that you need to see make friends - but you’re not out because you are on the prowl - or worse yet meeting up with the OW - because I’m sure that a concern your wife must have.

when you met up with the OW - where did you tell your wife you were?  What did she think you were doing during those blocks of your free time?

The three times I met up with the OW, I told her I was going to the store, range, and to see an old friend from college

[Luvmykidz]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

 Hmmm hmmm.

I respect you for attempting to reform. Many marriages are NOT all beds of roses as most of the posters here know. Nor do I think that casting you as some sort of abuser is entirely fair. You are however, certainly deceiving your wife. You are genuinely attempting to make the marriage work (now) but you clearly have signficant weaknesses and character flaws. We all do, although some are more dangerous to a marriage than others. Whether yours end up destroying the marriage remain to be seen, but part of what folks are reacting to here is that you are dancing way too close to that volcano and putting it all at risk.

Never let others tell you what you do or don't deserve in life. Not everyone thinks the same way and if everyone routinely got what they deserved (good or bad) we'd live in a very different world.

If your xOW were posting here, everyone would be telling her that you're where you WANT to be. They'd be right. But here YOU are posting and some folks are telling you to end the marriage. That's not what you want and it's not what your wife wants either, although she doesn't know the FULL truth. If you're not going to tell her the truth, you need to be REAL careful in this situation. And you're not being careful at all. To the extent that you're trying to protect her from your past behaviors and turn over a new leaf, you're not doing a good job.

It's all well and good to talk about authenticity, but authenticity only gets you so far. It doesn't necessarily get you through the tough parts of a marriage when you very genuinely and authentically feel like walking out. Neither is total honesty a great idea IMO (how do those pants make her butt look again?)**. Commitment is required to make a marriage last and you are at least trying to do that. Commitment is what gets you though the s****y parts. IF your wife ever finds out the truth, it will be a BIG test of her commitment. Possibly TOO big. And finding out that you continued following this OW would NOT help at all.

 

You mention love and you mention addiction. I'm not sure what you mean. If it's limerence, you need to block the OW and wait it out. If it's love, you're going to have to give her up as it's what your and her choices require. If you have a deeply rooted needed for female validation to feel happy, you probably could use some IC. If it's just excuses to cave to your desire to "see her" on social, then you need to suck it up.

Despite some of the things I've said above, I'm in 100% agreement with everyone that any way you slice it, you need to stop the social media stuff. If you're going to commit to the marriage, then REALLY commit. Get most of your needs met by your wife, make sure you're meeting hers, stop this and love, cherish and honor her. You could express your need for some guy friendships and then go out and seek them. (Just be sure she is getting the support she needs, from you, with your child.) Since you've committed to try to make it work, then try to make it work. You may be shocked if your marriage outlasts some that seemed to start on much firmer ground. No guarantees, but there never are.

 

**An affair is A LOT worse than a white lie. Point conceded.

Ok, I’m deceiving her. Your post is helping me. Thank you

[Daisydooks]

7 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

I didn’t give her name because I know she’ll contact her.. 

Protecting yourself here are ya? Why? Why is it not ok for your wife to contact OW? Surely your version of the story and hers would be the same, no? Or are you terrified OW would tell her everything you haven't? You're not worried about your wife hurting OW. At all. You're worried OW will tell your wife things you havent admitted to and you're worried about you. Classic.

3 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

So do you think my wife can tell them I’m liking the posts? Do you think she notices a difference in me? 

Yes. That is why you're not allowed to have any friends. She doesnt trust you when she turns her back on you.

[Luvmykidz]

18 minutes ago, S2B said:

So can you understand why it would make your wife uncomfortable if you go ”out with friends”? She’s suspicious and doesn’t trust you. For good reason, heck - you are the guy still checking up on the woman you cheated on her with.

can you see she’s worried about the very thing you are doing behind her back.

iF you were restoring HER peace of mind - she wouldn’t be making these demands that put the screws to you... but boy you sure have earned it.

so why are you complaining about not being able to play with your male friends?

I’ve accepted it by now. Been this way for years

[Luvmykidz]

7 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Protecting yourself here are ya? Why? Why is it not ok for your wife to contact OW? Surely your version of the story and hers would be the same, no? Or are you terrified OW would tell her everything you haven't? You're not worried about your wife hurting OW. At all. You're worried OW will tell your wife things you havent admitted to and you're worried about you. Classic.

Yes. That is why you're not allowed to have any friends. She doesnt trust you when she turns her back on you.

Never looked at it that way. This is MY marital problem, not the OW’s. So why would it be a good idea to reveal her name? Why drag her back into my mess? 

[Daisydooks]

Just now, Luvmykidz said:

Never looked at it that way. This is MY marital problem, not the OW’s. So why would it be a good idea to reveal her name? Why drag her back into my mess? 

Have you told your wife a different story than OW would? 

[Luvmykidz]

Look, I am not a good guy. Posting here and having you guys call me out on my $&!@ has made me realize it and you guys aren’t going to let me forget it. Especially s2b 

[Luvmykidz]

2 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Have you told your wife a different story than OW would? 

I told my W that it was just my first love and I was feeling nostalgic during a time when things weren’t going well in my M. I told her I made a big mistake sleeping with her and that I won’t do it again

[Luvmykidz]

4 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Have you told your wife a different story than OW would? 

OW would not talk anyway. The loyalty between us is strong. Also, with her now being in her new relationship, even if she were vindictive enough to out me, I think she wouldn’t because she doesn’t want to bring it up again. She has clearly moved onto a better man

[Daisydooks]

Just now, Luvmykidz said:

Never looked at it that way. This is MY marital problem, not the OW’s. So why would it be a good idea to reveal her name? Why drag her back into my mess? 

But this has nothing to do with protecting her. You're protecting you, just so we are clear. She is part of the reason you have problems and she invited herself into the marriage. So that's a silly point made there. She is the reason you're in this mess.    

You dont want your wife to know the truth, and if you trusted OW to not out you, you'd gladly give her number up because your stories would align and be identical. You simply dont know what she would say to your wife, so you cant give her number / name up. 

 

2 minutes ago, Luvmykidz said:

Look, I am not a good guy. Posting here and having you guys call me out on my $&!@ has made me realize it and you guys aren’t going to let me forget it. Especially s2b 

 I'm not bashing your character. I'm asking would your story align with OWs? No is the answer. You simply dont want your wife speaking to her because she would know you lied and nothing you have said was truthful. 

You're not protecting OW. You're protecting you so your wife doesnt ever know the truth. 

[Daisydooks]

I genuinely would like to see your marriage succeed. 

You do very much need to stop the nonsense with the OW. It is a one sided EA, where you are still pining for her. You know this would devastate your wife if she knew. You need to cut all ties IF you sincerely want your marriage to work. You chose this, and her, and your family. Dont screw it up for any other woman. ANY OW. Protect your marriage at all costs. Protect your wife. Protect your family. Right now, you're protecting OW, and your lies from being exposed. 

You have portrayed yourself as a coward.and your reconciliation has been a complete lie because your W only knows what you want her to know. You have essentially trickle truthed bits and pieces for your wife.

Next time you think about doing something like liking OWs posts, think to yourself "would I do this if my wife was looking?" If the answer is no, cut it out.  

[JTSW]

7 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

There’s more to life than just being with my W. 

You should have thought about that before you jumped in bed with 2 other women.

You brought this about yourself.

4 hours ago, Luvmykidz said:

The three times I met up with the OW, I told her I was going to the store, range, and to see an old friend from college

This is why she can't trust you to go anywhere without her.

You lied too much.

[vla1120]

OP, the bottom line is that you cannot be 100% fully invested in your marriage when you are checking on the OW's social media. You indicated you do not want to lose your wife or your marriage. You also state that your wife will not allow you the freedom to have friends/go out on your own. I see that as a problem. Feeling you are being controlled does not bode well for the marriage, even if your wife has reason - and she does.

I give you a LOT of credit for coming out here, taking the criticism and advice to heart, and accepting your part in this instead of trying to divert blame or give excuses. Here is what I think you need to do:

1. Stop looking at the OW's social media. Period. Block her so you are not tempted to look. Block her not only from social media, but also from your brain, and heart. Whether it is love or limerence (as Mark suggested), you need to purge her from your life for good. Let her go on with her life, so you can go on with yours.

2. You need to either rebuild the trust with your wife (if that's why she doesn't want you out without her), or communicate with her that you need male friendship and she needs to let you have that. You can start by inviting couples over to your house for dinner or game night, etc.

3. You could benefit from IC, if you cannot get over the OW - and to figure out why you keep looking outside your marriage. You and your wife could benefit from MC if you want to stay married and hope to have a lasting, loving marriage. Honesty is paramount. So far, you haven't given your wife that benefit.

You seem sincere in talking about your desire to stay married to your wife. Actions speak louder than words. Be like Nike and JUST DO IT!

[Luvmykidz]

7 hours ago, vla1120 said:

OP, the bottom line is that you cannot be 100% fully invested in your marriage when you are checking on the OW's social media. You indicated you do not want to lose your wife or your marriage. You also state that your wife will not allow you the freedom to have friends/go out on your own. I see that as a problem. Feeling you are being controlled does not bode well for the marriage, even if your wife has reason - and she does.

I give you a LOT of credit for coming out here, taking the criticism and advice to heart, and accepting your part in this instead of trying to divert blame or give excuses. Here is what I think you need to do:

1. Stop looking at the OW's social media. Period. Block her so you are not tempted to look. Block her not only from social media, but also from your brain, and heart. Whether it is love or limerence (as Mark suggested), you need to purge her from your life for good. Let her go on with her life, so you can go on with yours.

2. You need to either rebuild the trust with your wife (if that's why she doesn't want you out without her), or communicate with her that you need male friendship and she needs to let you have that. You can start by inviting couples over to your house for dinner or game night, etc.

3. You could benefit from IC, if you cannot get over the OW - and to figure out why you keep looking outside your marriage. You and your wife could benefit from MC if you want to stay married and hope to have a lasting, loving marriage. Honesty is paramount. So far, you haven't given your wife that benefit.

You seem sincere in talking about your desire to stay married to your wife. Actions speak louder than words. Be like Nike and JUST DO IT!

Thank you. 

[pepperbird]

I don't k now if you have kids or not, but if you do, there's an easy way to keep yourself on the straight and narrow.

First, think of the kind of father and man you want to be. What do you think would make your kids proud? Do you think they'd be proud of a dad who is treating their mom the way you are? I don't think they would be.
If you're still struggling, try this. Think of your son or daughter as an adult. How would you like them to be treated? If your son or duaghter came to you as an adult and told you their spouse had treated them the way you're treating your wife, how would you feel? What would you advise?

Really think about all of this. Only you can decide what sort of man you want to be. An honest one, or one who is a liar and a coward?

[oldtruck]

OP, people are not letting up on you because you still have the WH mindset.

still minimizing, false justifying, still withholding info on your BW, still not

maintaining NC. and, indirect contact is still breaking NC.

[merrmeade]

On 2/28/2020 at 5:21 PM, Luvmykidz said:

This thread is about me because I’m the one with the problem! 

Sure didn't sound like you thought there was a problem in the beginning.

[JTSW]

On 2/28/2020 at 6:05 AM, Luvmykidz said:

I told my W that it was just my first love and I was feeling nostalgic during a time when things weren’t going well in my M. I told her I made a big mistake sleeping with her and that I won’t do it again

So you completely lied to your wife.

And still continue to do so.

I'm guessing she doesn't know that you slept with more than one woman on multiple occasions. 

Don't underestimate women. We find out everything eventually.

She WILL find out all your dirty secrets.

[JTSW]

Have you told your wife that you are still connected to this woman on social media?

Have you told her you like and comment on her posts daily?

Have you even removed this woman from all your social media?

I'm guessing the answer is no to all the above.

[vla1120]

On 2/26/2020 at 11:37 PM, Luvmykidz said:

Yeah, my wife wont leave me over social media likes, I can guarantee it. She didn’t leave me for having two affairs... 

Famous last words.....I wonder if this is what MY cheating husband thought when I didn't leave him the first two times. In fact, he was no longer cheating when I decided to leave him. What happened was I was diagnosed with breast cancer, saw my life flash in front of my eyes (because that is how my mom died) and suddenly questioned why I had wasted 32 years with this man!! 

Trust me, dude. This is ALL boiling just under the surface for your wife. Go ahead. Keep poking the bear. Like me, she'll probably hit a wall one day and decide it isn't worth it anymore. Like my husband, you'll be shocked and question "Why now? Why wait all these years??"

[Luvmykidz]

On 3/6/2020 at 1:07 AM, merrmeade said:

Sure didn't sound like you thought there was a problem in the beginning.

Well just in case it was not clear, I know I’m the one that has the problem

[Luvmykidz]

15 hours ago, JTSW said:

Have you told your wife that you are still connected to this woman on social media?

Have you told her you like and comment on her posts daily?

Have you even removed this woman from all your social media?

I'm guessing the answer is no to all the above.

Your guess is right

[Luvmykidz]

10 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Famous last words.....I wonder if this is what MY cheating husband thought when I didn't leave him the first two times. In fact, he was no longer cheating when I decided to leave him. What happened was I was diagnosed with breast cancer, saw my life flash in front of my eyes (because that is how my mom died) and suddenly questioned why I had wasted 32 years with this man!! 

Trust me, dude. This is ALL boiling just under the surface for your wife. Go ahead. Keep poking the bear. Like me, she'll probably hit a wall one day and decide it isn't worth it anymore. Like my husband, you'll be shocked and question "Why now? Why wait all these years??"

Yes, I would be shocked