Why does this make me so angry?

[somewhatperplexed]

Hi all, a short background first: My SO and I have been together for almost two years now. The two of us have had a fantastic, honest relationship with no secrets or taboos so far. From very early on, we told each other practically everything - stories about our other relationships, exes, sexual histories, kinks, you name it. And we always had a strong no-judgement approach to it on both ends. I'm not going to lie and say it was always easy. I've never been exposed to this type of complete honesty, but it did wonders for the trust that we have in each other. 

However, I always knew that there was one particular episode in her life that she never addressed, and although I had a fairly good idea what took place, I never pushed because I felt she wasn't ready to tell me. I picked up on subtle hints along the way I guess. Although I wanted to ask on a couple of occasions, I did what anyone would do when they love someone: I waited without prying for her to tell me the whole story.

The other day she said there was something she wanted to tell me for a long time that she suspected I already knew anyway. I asked if it was about person X and she said yes. So she told me everything, details of which I have to redact for reasons that will become apparent.

Several years ago she was contacted about a work-related matter by a well-established person. At that time she was very young and she's also always been extremely attractive (worth keeping in mind as I it obviously had a lot to do with what happened). She was lucky that her career progressed quite quickly over a very short period of time, but she was alone and living far away from home, and struggling to have any kind of a life between all the work, her new environment, etc. So it was a very lonely time for her. Person X was in his mid-50s, partnered with grown up children. First time he contacted her, he invited her to a meeting at his office. The second time they met, they met in private, sparks flew, and she said she was on cloud nine from the very first moment.

They would meet on the weekends, going to remote places, spending evenings together where others wouldn't see them, etc. (I know). It went on like this for a couple of months, she was head over heels, feeling she met her prince charming. He kept reinforcing these feelings by saying he loved her, and she was under the impression that it was only a matter of time before he would leave his SO to be with her (red flags galore). Long story short, and omitting some details for the sake of privacy, the relationship fizzled out in the upcoming months, he became cold and distant (I think he most probably got caught or at least very scared of the possibility that someone knew), thus she was left in state of depression and stupor, followed by some serious soul searching. This is key to the story, though: somewhere along the line she got a job near him, which she at the time thought was a way of slowly preparing the grounds for them to be together. She tried changing her job after the relationship ended, but that wasn't possible for several reasons, so she ended up staying although she hated herself for it since. 

She moved on eventually, although he tried once to reignite the relationship, but by then she was already over it, and in the following year the two of us met (at the right time for both I think, as both of us had worked out our past traumas by then). She said she wanted to tell me the entire story very early on but didn't because she didn't know how to explain what had happened and that she was extremely ashamed about it all. She also never told anyone about any of this. In the meantime, she got a different job at another company, so she's in a much healthier environment and far away from all of this in every possible sense. I think this was a major elephant in the room for her and although she knew that I had figured it out on my own, she felt like she must come clean. I think she was under immense pressure throughout this time deliberating on what's the best time to tell me as well. It makes me sad that she had to put herself through it, though. I don't blame her for any of it. It doesn't change a thing for me when it comes to my feelings for her. I don't think she did anything wrong by falling in love with him at the time, either.

I do blame him to the point of feeling extremely angry since. Here's this guy who woke up one day and didn't like his life, bogged down by his lousy, boring relationship, and took the first opportunity to use his privilege and power to manipulate and impress someone much, much younger for so long. I can't get into the details of the games he played, and I'm heavily redacting because I don't want to abuse her trust. Yet, it drives me insane that someone like him should have known better and yet did all this anyway. The two of them have had a friendly relationship for the past couple of years. They don't meet in person; I think the sense of control she gets from maintaining that friendship is her way of closure and coping. What drives me mad is the idea that on some off-chance we might end up in the same room at some point and all I'll want to do is smack him. I'm not a violent person, and I know I would be on my best behaviour for her sake, if anything. So I told her, what she wants to do with their friendship is her business, but I would like to politely opt out of any social interaction with him bar accidental run-ins.

I have been deliberating on whether I should take any other steps because I am beyond angry, however. My body was aching from my muscles cramping up from the stress and I felt like vomiting and crying these past few days from the fury I feel. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but the noise I feel from learning all of this has left me thinking that there has to be some way to cope with this in a healthy way and make sure it's clear I don't want this guy or any of the baggage in our lives. I would appreciate your advice.

 

[stillafool]

I'm sorry you are feeling angry and getting sick over it.  Once upon a time I was a very attractive, young woman living in L.A. with no family around.  There were plenty of older men who hit on me.  Some were married, in SO relationships and some were single.  It made me want to throw up when men old enough to be my father came on to me.  I would never consider dating someone that age regardless of who they were or what they were offering and some were offering plenty.  You are putting all of the blame on him because he is the oldest and went for what he wanted.  She fell in love with him and liked what he was offering.  She makes him sound terrible to you but she still has him as a friend.  If the relationship traumatized her so much why would she still want to be in contact with him?  What is the gain from it?

[ExpatInItaly]

50 minutes ago, somewhatperplexed said:

I have been deliberating on whether I should take any other steps because I am beyond angry, however. My body was aching from my muscles cramping up from the stress and I felt like vomiting and crying these past few days from the fury I feel.

This is a pretty extreme reaction to something that would otherwise be fairly inconsequential to your relationship, but I strongly sense you're in denial about something. 

I think what really bothers you is that she is still in contact with this guy at all. He's still part of life, even if they don't see each other in person. You are spitting mad at him, but giving her a pass? Why? She played with fire too. She was old enough to know better, OP. And she still gives him access to her. It is concerning that you feel this is a coping mechanism for her. That suggests that you don't believe she is completely over him. Otherwise, there would be no need for any such "coping" strategy. 

I have to wonder why she elected to tell you about all of this. If were done and dusted and something she had learned from, she wouldn't need to treat it like such a dark secret that she danced around and hinted at.  Something about the level of detail she shared makes me think she enjoys the drama, and possibly even enjoys stirring you up. It makes me question if she likes feeling desired by you, by past lovers, and by provoking some jealousy. I just have a bad feeling that she wants to make you angry enough to punish him, in some sense. I don't otherwise see the reason she needed to reveal all of this, two years into your relationship. She did a crappy thing dating a married/committed man, but she's treating it like some huge crime special on TV involving layers of torrid scandal and intrigue. It's not. 

You say there is a history of over-sharing on her part. I would look at the pattern here and reflect on what she gets out of this, by sharing details that most boyfriends could live without. People who lack such filters and claim they're just "being honest" often have other motivations, largely ego-based. In my experience, anyway. 

Think about it: if this guy is such a jerk, why is she still talking to him at all? That is a red flag, dude. And the problem isn't only him. It's her, too. 

[somewhatperplexed]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry you are feeling angry and getting sick over it.  Once upon a time I was a very attractive, young woman living in L.A. with no family around.  There were plenty of older men who hit on me.  Some were married, in SO relationships and some were single.  It made me want to throw up when men old enough to be my father came on to me.  I would never consider dating someone that age regardless of who they were or what they were offering and some were offering plenty.  You are putting all of the blame on him because he is the oldest and went for what he wanted.  She fell in love with him and liked what he was offering.  She makes him sound terrible to you but she still has him as a friend.  If the relationship traumatized her so much why would she still want to be in contact with him?  What is the gain from it?

My take is that she was largely impressed by him and understandably enjoyed the fact that he took interest. The other thing also asked by the other poster (ExpatInItaly): she didn't paint him all that bad, it's me. If anything, in her story she tried to show understanding for him, too. I'll address it more in my reply to him as well.

[somewhatperplexed]

31 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is a pretty extreme reaction to something that would otherwise be fairly inconsequential to your relationship, but I strongly sense you're in denial about something. 

I think what really bothers you is that she is still in contact with this guy at all. He's still part of life, even if they don't see each other in person. You are spitting mad at him, but giving her a pass? Why? She played with fire too. She was old enough to know better, OP. And she still gives him access to her. It is concerning that you feel this is a coping mechanism for her. That suggests that you don't believe she is completely over him. Otherwise, there would be no need for any such "coping" strategy.

It is extreme. I don't deny it. I was shocked at first, and now the shock is settling and I'm searching for answers. There I have to agree with you. 

31 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I have to wonder why she elected to tell you about all of this. If were done and dusted and something she had learned from, she wouldn't need to treat it like such a dark secret that she danced around and hinted at.  Something about the level of detail she shared makes me think she enjoys the drama, and possibly even enjoys stirring you up. It makes me question if she likes feeling desired by you, by past lovers, and by provoking some jealousy. I just have a bad feeling that she wants to make you angry enough to punish him, in some sense. 

I think it's the new job. She feels like her previous choice to work close to him was largely influenced by him (wouldn't say he pressured her into it, and I can't disclose further details, but there was involvement on his end), and it must have resurfaced to the point where she feels like an impostor. I feel like she needed someone to tell her that she isn't at her new job, which would have been insincere since I didn't know the whole background story.

 

31 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You say there is a history of over-sharing on her part. I would look at the pattern here and reflect on what she gets out of this, by sharing details that most boyfriends could live without. People who lack such filters and claim they're just "being honest" often have other motivations, largely ego-based. In my experience, anyway. 

Think about it: if this guy is such a jerk, why is she still talking to him at all? That is a red flag, dude. And the problem isn't only him. It's her, too. 

This is an interesting one. She has never been bothered at all by any of the stories I told her. I'm also generally not the jealous type, and I wouldn't say she does it for the reaction because there usually isn't one.

But yes, the reason why we should revisit this conversation, I think, lies exactly in those two things: why tell me now (see above), and why is he still around? I do think it's harmless, but one thing that occurred to me after I wrote my post was that all of her exes that she's still in touch knew about me from day one. Not him. He knows she has a SO, but the other few that she's still in touch with know it in much better detail. I have met one of them, and I don't think she does any of it for the jealousy, more because she actually believes in staying friends with people from the past - everyone seems to have moved on in all sincerity. But all in all, I'll admit to the fact that perhaps I feel a bit disrespected by her because of the way she handled things with person X.

My question is, what would be the healthiest way of dealing with this? Do I shut up about it and move on, or do I try to be fair like I initially did and say sure, you guys can maintain your friendship but I don't want to be a part of it? Or do I go all emotions and say I'd like you to end all contact for my own personal sake, although I know it's a selfish thing to ask?

Edited February 24, 2020 by somewhatperplexed
Added the last paragraph

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, somewhatperplexed said:

 

But yes, the reason why we should revisit this conversation, I think, lies exactly in those two things: why tell me now (see above), and why is he still around? I do think it's harmless, but one thing that occurred to me after I wrote my post was that all of her exes that she's still in touch knew about me from day one. Not him. He knows she has a SO, but the other few that she's still in touch with know it in much better detail. 

I have a couple follow-up questions:

1) How frequently does she talk to this man? (that you know of, obviously)

2) How do you know she's told him so little about you? How many conversations have you had about this man, and why did you suspect this big secret was connected to him? It seems he's been on your radar for a while, so I am wondering what the backstory is there. 

In any event, you two very badly need to talk about boundaries. Being friendly with an ex can be feasible, but if this man is as much of a tool as she claims, then 'friendship' isn't what you have here. There is also nothing friendly about a married man continuing to talk to his affair partner. She is getting something else out of their continued contact, is my guess. It might be stroking her ego to imagine he still likes her. There could well be a part of her that isn't over him and doesn't want to cut him off. But I don't think she's naive enough to believe they're just pals catching up. She wouldn't have presented to you as some big scandal if that were the case. 

[schlumpy]

36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

Think about it: if this guy is such a jerk, why is she still talking to him at all? That is a red flag, dude. And the problem isn't only him. It's her, too. 

Reread Expat's post. It is spot on. Your anger has been shunted by the love you feel for her towards the wrong target. This reveals a serious flaw in her character and she knows it. She may not be the person you think she is. 

[stillafool]

30 minutes ago, somewhatperplexed said:

My take is that she was largely impressed by him and understandably enjoyed the fact that he took interest.

These same type of men came on to me but I was disgusted.  If your gf is very attractive men her age were probably hitting on her too so she didn't have to be lonely.  Also men her age could introduce her to other people her age for friends.  It sounds like your girl was attracted to him from the beginning, married or not she didn't care.  I doubt it was very much grooming going on from his end to get her.

[somewhatperplexed]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

I have a couple follow-up questions:

1) How frequently does she talk to this man? (that you know of, obviously)

2) How do you know she's told him so little about you? How many conversations have you had about this man, and why did you suspect this big secret was connected to him? It seems he's been on your radar for a while, so I am wondering what the backstory is there. 

In any event, you two very badly need to talk about boundaries. Being friendly with an ex can be feasible, but if this man is as much of a tool as she claims, then 'friendship' isn't what you have here. There is also nothing friendly about a married man continuing to talk to his affair partner. She is getting something else out of their continued contact, is my guess. It might be stroking her ego to imagine he still likes her. There could well be a part of her that isn't over him and doesn't want to cut him off. But I don't think she's naive enough to believe they're just pals catching up. She wouldn't have presented to you as some big scandal if that were the case. 

Okay, let me try and answer this one to the best of my ability:

1) They used to see each other in the hallways at work once in a blue moon until she got her new job (six months ago). I'd say they message on occasion - she likes to talk shop with a lot of people, so I'd say not more or less than with her other former colleagues. I know that they exchange articles, etc. for example. I never had the impression there was anything bar friendship, though. 

2) Because when we first started getting to know each other she told me about him as a colleague and wanted to introduce me to him and vice versa. He would get mentioned on occasion, but again, not more or less than any of her other friends or colleagues. He's been on my radar because I'm not dumb I guess. She would sometimes ask him for advice re: work and he seemed quite protective of her with the others.

I think she presented it as a scandal because she's ashamed and she's been sitting on it for too long. Sometimes things grow out of proportion when you keep them a secret for a long time. 

[somewhatperplexed]

3 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Reread Expat's post. It is spot on. Your anger has been shunted by the love you feel for her towards the wrong target. This reveals a serious flaw in her character and she knows it. She may not be the person you think she is. 

Mind elaborating, Schlumpy? 

[stillafool]

So basically she made a poor choice and had an affair with an older married man.  It's in the past so you might as well accept it and move on with her.  There is no use blaming the older OM for your gf's decisions.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, somewhatperplexed said:

He's been on my radar because I'm not dumb I guess. She would sometimes ask him for advice re: work and he seemed quite protective of her with the others.

Meaning what, exactly? What did he say to her? 

[somewhatperplexed]

27 minutes ago, stillafool said:

These same type of men came on to me but I was disgusted.  If your gf is very attractive men her age were probably hitting on her too so she didn't have to be lonely.  Also men her age could introduce her to other people her age for friends.  It sounds like your girl was attracted to him from the beginning, married or not she didn't care.  I doubt it was very much grooming going on from his end to get her.

Oh I think she honestly was. But from her story, I think she was impressed by the power and influence this guy has. He's also extraordinarily intelligent and accomplished. But like I said, I have no issues with her falling for him. I still think judging from her story that he lied about the fact he was in love to manipulate her further (although I'm willing to consider he was lying to himself to begin with). 

She had other BFs before and after this.

Edited February 24, 2020 by somewhatperplexed

[somewhatperplexed]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Meaning what, exactly? What did he say to her? 

Can't go into details. She had trouble at work and called him for advice once. I was there for the conversation due to circumstance and it was the kind of chat you have with a mentor. He didn't want to step in, but I think he made the necessary steps to protect her somewhat.

[schlumpy]

29 minutes ago, somewhatperplexed said:

Mind elaborating, Schlumpy? 

I don't have enough details to do anything but a general assumption but you do, and I think that's why you are angry. After all, you aren't dumb are you?

Like stillafool said, the majority of young women would be repulsed by a spring/winter romance but not your girl. Was she in love? The usual course of these affairs do not end amicably. The woman constantly hangs on to the idea that they will be replacing the wife and yet your girl did not? She changed jobs to be with him and facilitate the affair. What was the attraction? Was it over the top sex? Was it money and access to places and people she could not meet or go to on her own? Did they take holidays together? It does not sound like she was a reluctant participant. She got something out of it. Did her AP have children? Did she care? Did she used to go to office functions where her AP and his wife were present and smirk at her?

How much sneaking around, lying and deceiving did she have to do? That's something that gets in your blood and your character and is tough to leave behind especially when you discover how effective it is - at least in the short term. 

I'm concerned that you express the cosmo view of a  man without jealousy. Jealousy is a perfectly good emotion that like righteous anger can keep you safe when used correctly. You are not using it wisely by directing it at the AP. It should be on your girlfriend and that's why she made sure this story was the last thing to come out. I doubt she told you straight up without some spin in her favor.

I'm not saying dump her or punish her or anything like that. This the past and that's where it should remain. I'm not sure you can move on from this point with her still wanting a friendship with her AP. It stirs the imagination which feeds the emotions.

There are reasons why we make good decisions and bad decisions and those choices are a reflection of what is referred to as character.  

 

Edited February 24, 2020 by schlumpy

[d0nnivain]

Let it go.  It's ancient history & doesn't concern you. 

She has a past.  It may be a past she's not proud of.  Like many young women she was seduced by a powerful older man.  It happens.  She made a bad decision when she was young.  Lots of people make stupid mistakes. 

If there comes a time when you & him are in the same room, you need to be calm & do nothing.  Anything you do will make you look like a lunatic or if you actually take a swing at the guy you will end up in handcuffs.  Where do you think your life & career will go with an assault conviction on your record? 

If your GF is actively chasing him dump her. I don't view one call to a mentor as a desire to get back in his bed.   Anything else, pretend you never heard this.  Frankly, this is the problem with total honesty.  She now made her past your problem & you can't handle it.  

When I was 18 I had a brief fling with a man 13 years older then me who was prominent in the industry I wanted to join post graduate school.  He gave me tips on how to achieve that goal & 10 years later wrote me a recommendation for my 1st job.  Now 30 years later he refers work to me.  That business arrangement is not an on going affair.  It would wholly inappropriate for my husband to punch the guy now.  

Edited February 24, 2020 by d0nnivain

[somewhatperplexed]

2 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Was she in love? The usual course of theses affairs do end amicably. The woman constantly hangs on to the idea that they will be replacing the wife and yet your girl did not? She changed jobs to be with him and facilitate the affair. What was the attraction? Was it over the top sex? Was it money and access to places and people she could not meet or go to on her own? Did they take holidays together? It does not sound like she was a reluctant participant. She got something out of it. Did her AP have children? Did she care? Did she used to go to office functions where her AP and his wife were present and smirk at her?

She was. She trusted him blindly that he's in love too and that his marriage was done. She grew suspicious of his intentions only after he started acting strangely (won't go into details). I think he did sell her on the whole my marriage is dead spiel. He has kids and she wasn't bothered by it. I think she genuinely wanted to meet them/be friends with them. They didn't take vacations together, he would rather take her around to small towns on the weekends, etc. Like I said, I wish I could provide more details. 

28 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

How much sneaking around, lying and deceiving did she have to do? That's something that gets in your blood and your character and is tough to leave behind especially when you discover how effective it is - at least in the short term. 

I'm not saying dump her or punish her or anything like that. This the past and that's where it should remain. I'm not sure you can move on from this point with her being still wanted a friendship with her AP. It stirs the imagination.

The whole thing actually lasted several months. From what I know, it was over for her the moment it became apparent that a) he was either caught or was scared, b) had no intention of leaving his SO. 

Ending a relationship over something like this would be completely unwarranted and crazy. I don't punish people either. Especially not over matters that happened ages ago and way before I even existed in their lives. The reason why this doesn't make me jealous at all is the fact that for the past two years there were absolutely no signs that she was involved with him in any way at all, bar work-related matters on occasion. I think she clearly moved on, even before we met.

[somewhatperplexed]

32 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

She has a past.  It may be a past she's not proud of.  Like many young women she was seduced by a powerful older man.  It happens.  She made a bad decision when she was young.  Lots of people make stupid mistakes. 

That's why I'm not upset at her. If anything, I understand it completely. I am not the one to judge, and I don't think it's a partner's job to be judgy over someone's past. I don't like two aspects of this: 1) the fact that he could have damaged her, her reputation, and her career without facing any responsibility for his actions, and 2) the fact that for whatever reason she took this long to tell me. 

35 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If your GF is actively chasing him dump her. I don't view one call to a mentor as a desire to get back in his bed.   Anything else, pretend you never heard this.  Frankly, this is the problem with total honesty.  She now made her past your problem & you can't handle it.  

When I was 18 I had a brief fling with a man 13 years older then men who was prominent in the industry I wanted to join post graduate school.  He gave me tips on how to achieve that goal & 10 years later wrote me a recommendation.  Now 30 years later he refers work to me.  That business arrangement is not an on going affair.  It would wholly inappropriate for my husband to punch the guy now.  

That call was nothing. It wasn't a red flag of any kind to me. Like I said, I also had a good hunch about this from the beginning, and I would have been alerted if something was amiss all this time. Not a single thing pointed to anything but collegial friendship. I was surprised only by the intensity of the affair and her emotional involvement, not by the fact that it had happened. 

[d0nnivain]

Then let it go.  

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, somewhatperplexed said:

What drives me mad is the idea that on some off-chance we might end up in the same room at some point and all I'll want to do is smack him. I'm not a violent person, and I know I would be on my best behaviour for her sake, if anything. So I told her, what she wants to do with their friendship is her business, but I would like to politely opt out of any social interaction with him bar accidental run-ins.

I have been deliberating on whether I should take any other steps because I am beyond angry, however. My body was aching from my muscles cramping up from the stress and I felt like vomiting and crying these past few days from the fury I feel. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but the noise I feel from learning all of this has left me thinking that there has to be some way to cope with this in a healthy way and make sure it's clear I don't want this guy or any of the baggage in our lives. I would appreciate your advice.

You are answering your own request for advice: keep away from him, but of course you are angry that he behaved like a total sleaze with someone you love.

Diffuse the anger with exercise and nature is what I do, it'll dissipate some anyway once you've finished processing it.

Glad you have found such a wonderful relationship and happy life (((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Edited February 24, 2020 by Ellener
wording

[elaine567]

56 minutes ago, somewhatperplexed said:

But from her story, I think she was impressed by the power and influence this guy has. He's also extraordinarily intelligent and accomplished

Not jealous???

3 hours ago, somewhatperplexed said:

My body was aching from my muscles cramping up from the stress and I felt like vomiting and crying these past few days

Of course you are jealous.

He is a big threat and you want him gone, but he has not gone, not will he, I guess...
 

[somewhatperplexed]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Not jealous???

Of course you are jealous.

He is a big threat and you want him gone, but he has not gone, not will he, I guess...
 

Not jealous. I am confident in who I am and what I have accomplished so far in life, and I don't believe in measuring yourself against others bc there's always someone better, smarter, kinder, whathaveyou, and that kind of thinking only leads to unnecessary pain and constant doubts. Someone's either going to love me for me, or find someone else to be with, and to me it's a matter that I have zero control over anyway.

There's also the matter of the past two years of our relationship that have been nothing short of wonderful. I said all these things about him to illustrate what I believe was the allure to her at the time, not because I feel threatened by him. 

[ExpatInItaly]

37 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Not jealous???

Of course you are jealous.

That's my read on your reaction too, OP. Again, it was a pretty distressing reaction which strongly hints at more than just anger towards this man. 

I don't think you're jealous of what he's accomplished, to be clear, but the fact that he's still in your girlfriend's life, and upset that she has allowed it. 

Edited February 24, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[somewhatperplexed]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's my read on your reaction too, OP. Again, it was a pretty distressing reaction which strongly hints at more than just anger towards this man. 

I don't think you're jealous of what he's accomplished, to be clear, but the fact that he's still in your girlfriend's life, and upset that she has allowed it. 

Maybe we all look at these kinds of stories from our own personal angle. Of course I would never keep in touch with someone like him. But that is so easy to say. I also understand that there can be a variety of reasons why she decided to do so and why it makes sense to her, where only one or two would be problematic to me (like someone said, if she was still hoping they'd get back together, for instance). If I were to be completely cool-headed about this, I'd say she should seek professional advice, and even she said that she wished she had talked to a psychologist about it while it was happening. As for myself, I were to think about this in abstract, both rational and emotional responses are equally to be taken into consideration in my case, and it's normal given how she did drop it on me quite unexpectedly and in so much detail. Jealousy is not one of my current emotions, though. 

To illustrate: am I happy she had this happen to her, or that she was involved with this man at all? No. Would I be happy if she learned something from it and became a better person as a result? Sure thing. No doubt about it. Does her past behaviour affect me in any way? Not at all. Only what she does with it now in 2020. 

Edited February 24, 2020 by somewhatperplexed

[smackie9]

She ain't no innocent, it takes two to tango. They were two consenting adults, had a fling and moved on from it, end of. This is her deal, not yours. I think instead of being here talking to us about how you feel, and some questions you want answered....this is a discussion you need to have with her. You can't assume why she is still in contact with him...could be for professional reasons, not personal. Like I said, you need to get your answers from her. You already supposed to have this open honest hold no secrets relationship, so why you holding back on her?