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why am I stepping on egg shells in my marriage?


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hi, this is my first marriage and i am really clueless how marriage works. 

it appears to me that when my wife is upset with me, its my fault. but if she does something that crosses my line, and i tell her that. somehow she gets upset that i am upset and it becomes my fault again. 

i heard of the saying "pick your fight", and dont get me wrong, i don't go picking a fight with my wife. i only bring to her attention that something she does is upsetting me. 

are all wives like this? is it true that wife are always right? sorry this is not intended to be gender bias, but i am stepping on egg shells in my marriage.. : ( 

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You need to provide more details, OP

What sort of things does she do that upset you? And how do you communicate your disappointment?

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Counseling will help you set ground rules for disagreements. Right now your wife is using strategies that she knows will win. Winning doesn't solve the problem it just allows her to get her way which satisfies her emotions.

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Not all people are like this.  Your wife makes everything about her & that is not fair.  Perhaps get some MC to learn how to better communicate & disagree without being disagreeable.  When DH & I first married it was an adjustment.  We didn't know how to be married or communicate.  There were some eggshells but then we learned more about how to express our own needs, meet the other ones needs & not lose ourselves in the process.  

I am troubled by the way you phrased the Q.  You start by saying "this is my first marriage."  The way you said that makes me think you are anticipating having more then one marriage.  

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oh.. for example, i tell her, hey we havent been able to have a meal together since we gotten married. the only time i get to sit down and eat with you is at your company's event. and before i can continue, she jumps in and say, well, i think you forgotten how it is like to have a corporate job. i finish work and come home, it is not like i am going out to party etc.... then i will reply "i am just saying, after we got married and you have this new job portfolio, you are flying every fortnight for a week and when you are in town i dont get to see you... before i can finish she would interrupt and go, do you think i enjoy flying?! i dont care about this job, you want me to quit is it? is it? do you want me to quit? if you want me to quit i can quit.. do you want me to quit?

its just very hard to talk to her. obviously its not like that during dating.. during dating, she would knock off on the dot and we would go for dinner 2-3 times a week. and we travel together often.. even a weekend short trip or staycation... 

her boss kind of waited for her to get married before putting her into this new role.. it kind of throw me off guard... 

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Give counseling a try first.

If things don't improve, get the radar up and running and start looking for answers that make sense.

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6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Not all people are like this.  Your wife makes everything about her & that is not fair.  Perhaps get some MC to learn how to better communicate & disagree without being disagreeable.  When DH & I first married it was an adjustment.  We didn't know how to be married or communicate.  There were some eggshells but then we learned more about how to express our own needs, meet the other ones needs & not lose ourselves in the process.  

I am troubled by the way you phrased the Q.  You start by saying "this is my first marriage."  The way you said that makes me think you are anticipating having more then one marriage.  

 

18 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Counseling will help you set ground rules for disagreements. Right now your wife is using strategies that she knows will win. Winning doesn't solve the problem it just allows her to get her way which satisfies her emotions.

 

 

actually, we have went through pre-marriage counselling courses. its called prep. its on communication skills to effectively talk to your spouse. but for that to work, there kind of have some ground rules, like, when 1 is speaking the other has to listen. my wife is kind of not practicing it. i get interrupted a lot, and i and think she is hearing me : (

i would like to make this marriage work, but i am really struggling... : (

 

 

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Pleasant-Sage

No, marriage isn't supposed to be like that many of them do become that way and just another reason divorce happens so often.

Communication is broken in your marriage. It's a common problem and not easily fixed.

What do you believe she currently thinks of the marriage?

How long have you been married? Seems like maybe only a couple of months?

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Her boss didn't wait until she married to put her in the new role.  There was no cause & effect relationship.  The boss isn't out to sabotage your marriage. 

Try rephrasing your concern.  Start with "honey I love you & miss you.  I'd like to have dinner with you more.  How do you think we can make that happen when you are in town? I don't want you to quit; I'm proud of you.  I just want to spend time with you"  Maybe you two need a meal delivery service.  Maybe you both need to do meal prep on weekends so it's easy to get dinner on the table during the week.  Maybe you need a housekeeper.  Maybe she does need to cut down on her hours.  There is a solution but you have to work together to find it. The pre-marriage counseling didn't address this new problem that has arisen with her promotion.  

Her snippy response sounds like she's stressed.  She knows she's not balancing work & marriage but she's afraid.  All her life she was told she can "have it all" the great high paying career & the loving family. Nobody told her how hard that is, especially if her job requires travel.  She doesn't want to get fired but she also doesn't want to lose you.  

DH & I have a thing where we spend a few minutes per day sitting on the couch talking. It took us a while to come up with that as a reconnection time.  

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we been married for 2+ years... her boss changed her job role right after we got married.. and i was transferred to another department in my company also a change in role around the same time.. 

the communication breakdown has been very taxing and we always end up a full blown quarrel over many little things... i also suggested to have breakfast together before going to work.. but she works till so late at night 3-4am she couldnt get up in the morning... 

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Scary version I've seen and experienced? She's souring the milk to goad you into a screwup then she'll jump, often to another man. Women are pros at this. Most holster it down to a periodic annoyance if the current gig is the best deal. Don't chase her and no ultimatums.

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Sounds like she has a very stressful job and it’s difficult for her to balance personal life and corporate life. I would not jump to the conclusion of cheating if there’s no indication of cheating. It really sounds to me like she finds her life stressful, and it also sounds like she resents you for having a less stressful job? Am I right, or am I way off here? Just curious. I am someone who doesn’t handle stress very well. So I can somewhat relate to your wife. If I have 1 million things to do and time is running out, and I have deadlines to meet and what not, a partner who complains about me not being there enough would just drive me nuts. I have little to no tolerance for that. And vice versa. If my partner has a horribly stressful work week and I may have a little bit of a more relaxed work week, I don’t insist in him being around me 100%, and spending time with me all the time, no, I support him and I do tasks around the house that he usually does, just to make his life easier. I give him space. 

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Everyone has choices. If a woman was posting on this forum that her husband was out 'working' until 3-4am, what would be the response? I know because I've seen it here for, whoa, coming up on 12 years and, due to my job, reading far more posts than I'd ever wish to. Work is a choice, affairs are a choice, prioritizing ones partner in a marriage is a choice. Every choice is within a person's control. Life often is not. How we respond to life is. Simple.

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Her regularly working until 3 - 4 a.m.  is a problem.  I thought she was working until 9 - 10 p.m.  I am guilty of both but the very early morning hours are rare, maybe once every 3 -4 years.  Even the late nights are maybe 5-6 times per year not every night.  I also work weekends but so does DH.  Plus if I'm out of the house he gets some alone time in the house.  Everybody needs a little peace.  

Your wife needs better work life balance.  

Is she being overworked or is she bad at time management?  One of my friends came to me complaining that she was being overworked & getting in trouble for working over time.  When I went through her day I realized that she was overdoing her assignments.  If she was asked to input receipts so the boss could get reimbursed, she would do that then she would alphabetize them, copy them & index them, then  make a graph & a pie chart about the expenses.   No wonder she didn't have enough time in the day.  

You can't accuse your wife of doing that but do ask her about her job.  If she's in the US & entitled to overtime for all the hours she is working hopefully she is getting paid.  Then you two should have a tidy sum when it's time to have kids.    

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I've had a job like hers where I had to be out a lot of evenings and where I had to travel when I didn't want to. Usually this isn't negotiable with your boss.. if you want her to find a probably lower-paying job where she doesn't have to work as many hours then tell her, but it will still be up to her. She might enjoy the job.

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In this economy anyone with that work ethic can change employers like underwear. No downside. Loyal husband in support with his own income to support the family. Why should he be walking on eggshells? 🤔👍

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it is this new role she has giving us a lot of problem. at first i told the marriage counselor it was not. but now after 2 years i realise the job does add on a lot of pressure. you see, everyday by the time she comes home its 8-9pm, she has a bath, doesnt want to eat, does her me time. by the time she she finished its almost midnight, by then i was either asleep or half asleep. she continues to work at home till 3-4am in the morning. sometimes i wake up at 5am and the lights are still on.. say she does this on week 1, week 2 she flies away for a week, then week 3 its this again and week 4 she flies again.. we are unable to work out our issues even minor ones, with the kind of schedule she has. i feel the loneliness and disconnect... 

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Well, is she the main breadwinner? What is your own work schedule like? Maybe it’s Just a phase where she has to finish a very demanding project. It’s difficult to say because you don’t really tell us what her job is.

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On 2/25/2020 at 3:21 AM, carhill said:

Scary version I've seen and experienced? She's souring the milk to goad you into a screwup then she'll jump, often to another man. Women are pros at this. Most holster it down to a periodic annoyance if the current gig is the best deal. Don't chase her and no ultimatums.

Doesn't sound like she's got time to wee let alone have another man.

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15 hours ago, cluelessdude said:

it is this new role she has giving us a lot of problem. at first i told the marriage counselor it was not. but now after 2 years i realise the job does add on a lot of pressure. you see, everyday by the time she comes home its 8-9pm, she has a bath, doesnt want to eat, does her me time. by the time she she finished its almost midnight, by then i was either asleep or half asleep. she continues to work at home till 3-4am in the morning. sometimes i wake up at 5am and the lights are still on.. say she does this on week 1, week 2 she flies away for a week, then week 3 its this again and week 4 she flies again.. we are unable to work out our issues even minor ones, with the kind of schedule she has. i feel the loneliness and disconnect... 

I understand you being lonely.  But at this rate, your wife is heading for a breakdown - it's simply not a sustainable amount of work.   Is she happy with her job?

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cluelessdude 

Your wife certainly works a lot.  Perhaps you can get her to adjust her at home schedule a bit:   When she comes home, her me time can be a quick shower while you prepare dinner. Then you eat together.  Then she can go back to work if she must. 

My husband is a night owl insomniac.  He stays up all night a lot.  We compromise by him coming up to be with me when I'm ready to turn in.  He hangs out for a bit, usually until I fall asleep then he goes back to his night owl stuff.  I am happy because I got the cuddling, attention & affection I needed.   Would that be enough for you? 

At some point you need to explain to her that her constantly picking work over you hurts your feelings.  Ask her what she thinks a good solution to build more togetherness would be.  See if you can live with her suggestion.  

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Three problems that I can see: a) ineffective communication that turns into arguments, b) she's not concerned about your needs in the marriage, c) that job precludes having time together, or to work on the issues. 

Communication- Use "I" statements and calmly state what you needs are. Don't ever begin by saying "you" do this or that thing that I don't like. When she tries to change the topic, air a parallel complaint, or get huffy... don't take the bait. Calmly bring it back on topic and ask if she's willing to work on it with you. If she tries to sidetrack it by throwing a hissy, let her go through the spin cycle all by herself with you being silent and not engaging. There is a book entitled "Stop Walking on Eggshells," and from the sound of things it might be apropos.

Your Needs- your needs are important, and in a marriage it's fair and normal to expect that your wife would be trying to meet them, be concerned about how you're doing, and about the health of the marriage. You need to say this without being accusatory, which is done with "I" statements and rational problem solving. You both need to be giving it your best effort. If she's simply not interested, or won't acknowledge the issues, the prognosis is not good. I hope it doesn't come to this, but it would be reason for calling it quits. This is from a guy who waited years too long to call it quits in a similar circumstance.

The Job- from what you've said, it sounds like she does need to quit the job. She's prioritizing it over the marriage, which is her choice, and then attacks and has a hissy when you want to address it. Being in the same house and being ignored all the time when you want companionship would make anyone dissatisfied. 

These things form a triangle of disfunction it seems- the job justifies the her detachment, and the hostile reactions prevent any rational discussion to address the situation. Here's the other thing... you need to quit begging and pleading for a little bit of attention or affection. Do the 180 and show her that you're perfectly capable of walking away if things don't change. It will be good for you too. No man should have to give up his dignity. 

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