I'm attracted to one guy at the gym. now what?

[goldeneyes]

I rarely pay attention to guys at gyms. In fact, since the earbuds I pretended to listen to music on broke, it has become an art form to not meet their eyes and look through them in order to discourage approach (I still get stared at, excuses to speak to me, winked at by the older, even followed by two younger, etc.) I go to the gym for health, toned body, and endorphin and energy boosts, not guys.

 

However, there is one guy I notice. I tried to ignore him for months, too. I can't. He does his weight training in the center of the gym and walks everywhere between sets. It drives me to distraction. One day, he passed twice slowly in front of me as he was leaving and I thought he was trying to get me to notice him. Knowing he might be attracted to me, I could no longer deny to myself the attraction I felt. I can be shy, but spontaneously made eyes at him from across the room one day. We flirted with JUST our eyes from across the room the rest of the time. He hung around, stalling that day and the next two times I was there after he was done with his workout, like maybe waiting for me? He works out for half an hour and I work out for 2 so he had to leave, though. I wanted him to talk to me. One time, he was headed in my direction from the side, but I didn't notice until I had turned.

 

I have been feeling shy since the day I made eyes at him, and have begun ignoring him. Secretly, I think about him all week, modified my workout schedule to arrive earlier in the hopes we leave at the same time, and live for the one day a week we are both in the gym.

I've never approached a guy, and as a general rule, I think connections work best when initiated by guys. Men know virtually all women get hit on, so they just assume we're easy or desperate if we have to approach. The ones who go for it long-term are usually passive types we have to keep taking the initiative with, until it gets old. I'm a complete coward who has always been too shy to speak to guys I'm attracted to. So when I've dated, it was through meeting online. I don't look shy, so maybe he thinks I'm toying with him. I'm considered attractive now, but during most of my school days, I was seen as a nerd and got bullied. That personality of an outcast and social reject won't leave me completely. I love being me, but sometimes still fear others won't. He is the only who's sparked my attention since my broken engagement (I've been in one relationship, which began at age 19). I am so determined to not let it slide that, embarrassingly, I tried to use a Rent A Friend service to see if a woman could pose as my workout partner/friend and find a way of easing the guy and I into talking so he could just ask me out. None of the potential 'friends' were closer than 40 mins away, so they kept flaking. So it's up to me.

 

What can I do? I can't rely on myself to not give mixed signals (depending on how bold I feel) that make him understandably hesitant to approach, but I don't lift weights (I strength train on cable machines), and can't figure out a natural way for us to move from looks and sexual tension to a verbal interaction.

Edited February 24, 2020 by goldeneyes

[stillafool]

Have you thought that since he isn't approaching you but gave you the look - that he finds you attractive but already has a gf?

 

The Rent-a-Friend is a bad idea.

Edited February 24, 2020 by stillafool

[goldeneyes]

But he has tried to approach once, and three days he hung around pretty idle - trying to keep busy on machines, which he never uses - waiting for me?

[goldeneyes]

But afterward, I got shy and ignored him more and more, which is when the efforts stopped and went to just looks.

[stillafool]

Then I guess the ball is in your court to let him know you are interested.  You're just going to have to woman up and do it before he gets interested in another girl at the gym.

[goldeneyes]

But how do I do that? What do I say? How does that kind of conversation start? I'm so clueless about it. 

[SumGuy]

He's a weights guy, and he sees you use the machines.  You can start by saying you have been thinking of trying to work weights into your routine and wonder if he could help.  If you are feeling flirty you can say something like it seems to really be working for him.  You can even say that it may not look it but your pretty shy, you wanted to ask him before but got nervous and hope he didn't take that as you avoiding him.

Of course it is not about the weights, so keep it low weight.  If you want to get really flirty try to think of the exercises where he can "spot" you in a close fashion.

 

Edited February 24, 2020 by SumGuy

[Fletch Lives]

If you want to talk to him, just look him in the eye, smile, and say "Hi".

I was in a resturant, sitting at the bar a couple of months ago. A pretty blonde was sitting next to me, ignoring me. I got a drink and dinner. I waited for several minutes to see if she would pay any attention to me, or strike up a conversation, but she ignored me. Bored to tears, I realized I would have to be the one to get the party started. I looked at her and asked one little question........"Didn't this used to be a TGI Fridays?" With that one opening line, that one tiny little question, this woman proceeded to talk my ear off for the next hour-and-a-half! I could barely get a word in edgewise.

Just be aware that if you hit on a guy, you risk rejection.

Edited February 24, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[goldeneyes]

 

19 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

He's a weights guy, and he sees you use the machines.  You can start by saying you have been thinking of trying to work weights into your routine and wonder if he could help.  If you are feeling flirty you can say something like it seems to really be working for him.  You can even say that it may not look it but your pretty shy, you wanted to ask him before but got nervous and hope he didn't take that as you avoiding him.

Of course it is not about the weights, so keep it low weight.  If you want to get really flirty try to think of the exercises where he can "spot" you in a close fashion.

 

That's a great idea. I was having trouble thinking of a reason for why I'd even be talking to him, and this seems perfectly natural. Thank you so much.

Now I just need to summon the courage deep inside me to pull it off.

I think I might be able to relax and flirt subtly once we start talking. After we break the ice, the rest should flow.

Edited February 24, 2020 by goldeneyes

[SumGuy]

11 minutes ago, goldeneyes said:

 

Now I just need to summon the courage deep inside me to pull it off.

 Yes don't we all. 

Walking up to a person in mid-workout may be tough, may be easier if "bump" into him coming in, near the water fountain, locker room entrance, etc.  Could say something like "Hi I'm goldeneyes.  I see you do free weights, I've wanted to try them but don't know where to start, do you think you could help me, give me a few pointers?"   

If he tries to deflect by just describing you could do, you could ask if he could show you and maybe spot you...you'd feel better/safer about it that way.

The part about that it looks like it is really working for him is a good counter if he deflects and mentions gym trainers. 

Another flirty type line, why don't we start of light and see where it goes...with respect to how much weight you want to start with.

As he is a dedicated gym guy you can ask all sorts of ice breaker questions about that like how long has he been doing it, what exercises may be best when starting, how find he get started, does he have a dietary plan as well, etc. 

OK enough "coaching" if he is a decent and available guy, who is not too shy, it should go pretty well and he'll pick up the slack.  I give a lot of flirty lines but use sparingly if one or two doesn't do the trick using more may come off as very DTF.  A flirty line is just to give him the hint you are interested despite appearing a bit stand offish due to your nervousness.

[goldeneyes]

12 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

If you want to talk to him, just look him in the eye, smile, and say "Hi".

I was in a resturant, sitting at the bar a couple of months ago. A pretty blonde was sitting next to me, ignoring me. I got a drink and dinner. I waited for several minutes to see if she would pay any attention to me, or strike up a conversation, but she ignored me. Bored to tears, I realized I would have to be the one to get the party started. I looked at her and asked one little question........"Didn't this used to be a TGI Fridays?" With that one opening line, that one tiny little question, this woman proceeded to talk my ear off for the next hour-and-a-half! I could barely get a word in edgewise.

Just be aware that if you hit on a guy, you risk rejection.

If it messes up, it would only be because I sabotaged it by getting awkward for no good reason. I'm 100% sure attraction is mutual and he seems through our nonverbal communication these weeks to want as much as I do to move beyond that. I would be disappointed with myself to ruin what seems to be a sure thing by acting in an abnormal way to something so basic. Men and women have been getting together for centuries, and I should be able to handle this.

I'm afraid of embarrassment and socializing poorly, I guess, not of rejection upfront. I've gotten far better at socializing and can do smalltalk and make friends more easily, but still struggle to interact with guys I'm attracted to. I have to try to avoid the irrational fears that lead to anxiety and awkward behavior. I know there's no logical reason to become a bumbling fool over it, lol. So this is about him, but also about me needing to grow into a better me and not having another item on my long list of social failures (which wasn't growing as quickly lately). I have to keep telling myself, "I got this."

[SumGuy]

5 minutes ago, goldeneyes said:

If it messes up, it would only be because I sabotaged it by getting awkward for no good reason. I'm 100% sure attraction is mutual and he seems through our nonverbal communication these weeks to want as much as I do to move beyond that. I would be disappointed with myself to ruin what seems to be a sure thing by acting in an abnormal way to something so basic. Men and women have been getting together for centuries, and I should be able to handle this.

I'm afraid of embarrassment and socializing poorly, I guess, not of rejection upfront. I've gotten far better at socializing and can do smalltalk and make friends more easily, but still struggle to interact with guys I'm attracted to. I have to try to avoid the irrational fears that lead to anxiety and awkward behavior. I know there's no logical reason to become a bumbling fool over it, lol. So this is about him, but also about me needing to grow into a better me and not having another item on my long list of social failures (which wasn't growing as quickly lately). I have to keep telling myself, "I got this."

All perfectly normal and human and something guys experience all the time as well.

I take it as a positive sign of decency that when you ignored him a bit he backed off.  Shows some awareness and respect for what he incorrectly perceived to be your lower interest, OR his own fear of rejection, nervousness, etc.   Just because he is smoking hot doesn't mean he is fearless.  

Edited February 24, 2020 by SumGuy

[SincereOnlineGuy]

4 hours ago, goldeneyes said:

 

I've never approached a guy, and as a general rule, I think connections work best when initiated by guys. Men know virtually all women get hit on, so they just assume we're easy or desperate if we have to approach.

 

What can I do?

 

Your position isn't working in your best interest.

 

It's akin to remaining on a small patch of grass and awaiting the randomness that is one dandelion seed that will bother to land on your spot.

 

Your social options will become far more promising when you take a hand in actively doing the selecting rather than passively waiting for fate to decide everything for you.

 

And I don't think "virtually All women"  share your belief that "virtually All women" get hit-on (enough to be significant).

 

This part about the guy at the gym is just the proof of your reality, and not significant beyond that.

 

 

[thefooloftheyear]

Crazy....Gyms now are like meat markets....Most of the women walk around with their tits and asses practically hanging out, primping around, and all anyone does is bs....As someone that has been training for decades, this was never the case in the 80's/90's ….Then people actually went to the gym to get serious about training.. Few women dare entered the more serious places and the ones that did weren't out there chasing dick either,.....There was no time or interest in chasing women/men...That was for later when you went to the club....😂

Anyway, just treat it like you would anything else....Hit him up when he's at the fountain or maybe when he's just chilling....Its not like its odd anymore to go for someone at the gym..

TFY

[Cookiesandough]

This is partly why I go to a female only gym. Disregard males, acquire gains. eyes on the prize

Edited February 24, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[lana-banana]

One day when he is done working out (this is important) you can walk up to him and ask for advice: "Hey, I noticed you do a lot of upper body stuff, I'm looking for a strength routine, do you have any suggestions?" His response will tell you all you need to know. If he suddenly goes into a lot of detail, offers his phone number, and volunteers to help you the next time you're there, you can assume he's interested. If he mumbles a couple things or just names a few exercises and bolts, then you probably misread his interest. It is possible to do a lot of weird eye contact and other stuff that isn't actually flirting. But if your gut says he is, you probably aren't wrong.

That being said, this is kind of a minefield. As a gym nerd, the gym is a sacred space for me and a place where I can really focus, and the idea of being approached by anyone is not appealing. There's also the problem of what it could mean: what if you go on a few dates and it fizzles out. Are you going to have to change your schedule or go to a different gym? When I was single I would much rather pick my gym over a dude. Depending on how committed he is to his workouts he may feel weird about seeing you there. It's not unlike dating somebody at work.

So, yes, you can try to approach. Just wait until after he's done so he has a chance to transition to a post-workout headspace. 

[dramafreezone]

You could say something to him, or even smile.   That should be enough for him to take it from there.

You don't have to ask him out or say that you like him.  I would smile if I were you, it's low risk, and if a woman smiled at me spontanously I would take it as a sign of interest.  If he doesn't take it from there move on.

Edited February 29, 2020 by dramafreezone