What have I done? I am so hurt.

[hissecret]

Hello everyone.

 

I have been reading here and there and I would love to get some insight on my story from those that have experienced what I am going through. I am very hurt and confused. My story..

I met him in June 2019 and it was friendly, we eventually hung out about a month later and we talked for hours. We spent 12pm -4 am the next day just talking about everything under the sun. In this conversation, he told me that he was married and had been married for ten years, he had been with her since high school and he hasn't been in love with her for awhile, he doesn't feel that they are compatible. He said he married her because she got pregnant young. They don't see eye to eye on most things and really live completely separate lives. The reasons he stays:

-kids, history, security, comfortability, their families and she really doesn't have any friends, and he didn't want to go through the process of finding someone new

He had offered to rent her a house and he keep the kids but she was not going for it. So he said he committed to being unhappy. He committed to being there for the sake of the kids and all the other factors. That it wasn't so bad. And being happy was relative. We left that night not trying to date each other but we did appreciate the presence of one another.

We eventually started dating and we have had great times, expressions of feelings, laughter, moments of silence that we could only understand and other great moments. The crazy thing here is that we run in the same social circles and know a lot of the same people. We have been as great as can be, enjoying each others company, even talking about future plans for businesses, etc. As of recently he called me and was in a state of belief as he stated "someone came up to me and divulged our relationship, I thought we had trust, you told someone about us,  now it is alot of drama. I don't want to talk about it" and hung up. Me, bewildered as I told no one of my dealings didn't understand. The next day he SMS'd me telling me this elaborate story of someone telling him that they know he is seeing someone and that he should stop. And apparently, I told someone and that particular person was talking in a social circle about him. Supposedly this happened about two weeks so why is this person just divulging their education of this affair. The whole story sounded just crazy and didn't add up. Especially since I have not told anyone. But I explained to him, that I haven't told anyone and it isnt making any sense. He did all of this over SMS and the last thing he said to me was "We just have to back up a bit until all of this calms down" . I have texted him and he has not responded. It has been 4 days. 

my thoughts in full transparency:

I am so hurt, confused, angry. 

He hasn't picked up a phone to talk about this in full detail!

"We just have to back up a bit until all of this calms down."-????????????

I really want to call and text him but I have refrained from doing so. What is this??

 

 

 

[preraph]

I think you should thank whoever caught on and talked to him because otherwise I don't know how long you could have got on without realizing that you do not mean that much to him. You are someone for him to have sex with. He's actually been pretty clear that he's comfortable in his relationship. there really wasn't anything and what he said that should lead you to believe he was looking to leave his wife. 

 

Most men having affairs looking to find and switch over to another woman. They're just looking for sexual variety. I hope this will be a wake-up call for you. You need to date other guys unless you're married yourself.

 

 

[elaine567]

My guess someone in your social circle worked it out and either confronted him or told his wife or both. OR his wife worked it out on her own.
I think his wife knows as  he has gone radio silent on you because she will have access to his phone.
In fact she may have sent his last messages to you
Whatever the truth of the matter this is D Day.
Your affair is no longer a secret.
Sounds like he has done what many MM do on Dday, they throw the OW under a bus..

Edited February 24, 2020 by elaine567

[hissecret]

21 minutes ago, preraph said:

I think you should thank whoever caught on and talked to him because otherwise I don't know how long you could have got on without realizing that you do not mean that much to him. You are someone for him to have sex with. He's actually been pretty clear that he's comfortable in his relationship. there really wasn't anything and what he said that should lead you to believe he was looking to leave his wife. 

 

Most men having affairs looking to find and switch over to another woman. They're just looking for sexual variety. I hope this will be a wake-up call for you. You need to date other guys unless you're married yourself.

 

 

Thank you for your response! Well in our "relationship" and numerous talks, he didn't think he would be able to meet anyone new but then we happened and it happened seamlessly. Things had changed for him and while he was still getting up under what he committed himself to doing, which is being unhappy, he was open about us progressing.

 

Thank you again!

[hissecret]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

My guess someone in your social circle worked it out and either confronted him or told his wife or both. OR his wife worked it out on her own.
I think his wife knows as  he has gone radio silent on you because she will have access to his phone.
In fact she may have sent his last messages to you
Whatever the truth of the matter this is D Day.
Your affair is no longer a secret.
Sounds like he has done what many MM do on Dday, they throw the OW under a bus..

Thank you so much @elaine567 for your response!

And that phrase 

"We just have to back up a bit until all of this calms down."-

is that a real thing? I am deciphering it as-oh let me make this happy over here again, you sit tight and I'll be back smh

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, hissecret said:

is that a real thing? I am deciphering it as-oh let me make this happy over here again, you sit tight and I'll be back smh

That's exactly what it means because she comes first.  When or if she's satisfied with his behavior he'll be back to you or another.

[elaine567]

Just now, hissecret said:

is that a real thing? I am deciphering it as-oh let me make this happy over here again, you sit tight and I'll be back smh

Quite common.
"Wait till the wife calms down" if she knows, and if she doesn't know then "Wait till I can convince her I am not having an affair."

[preraph]

There's just no future being the other woman.  They rarely ever leave their wives.  If they ever do, it's because of something else, not their willing affair partner.  If he was single, he'd be dating around, not running straight to you.  This isn't what you want, so you shouldn't waste time on him.  

[hissecret]

42 minutes ago, stillafool said:

That's exactly what it means because she comes first.  When or if she's satisfied with his behavior he'll be back to you or another.

mind blowing that people really think this way..

[hissecret]

42 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Quite common.
"Wait till the wife calms down" if she knows, and if she doesn't know then "Wait till I can convince her I am not having an affair."

quite common?? this is a whole word within a world. I am blown away by it all. I take responsibility for even allowing myself to get into this predicament. It is crazy how I believed the things and feelings he portrayed for me, but as soon as things hit the fan (The fan that supposedly he really isn't trying to stay with) he puts me on the back burner. And not only that, says basically "hold tight, I will be back". mind blowing!

[hissecret]

44 minutes ago, preraph said:

There's just no future being the other woman.  They rarely ever leave their wives.  If they ever do, it's because of something else, not their willing affair partner.  If he was single, he'd be dating around, not running straight to you.  This isn't what you want, so you shouldn't waste time on him.  

Thank you again~I am learning right now that I shouldn't waste time on him. My feelings are extremely hurt as to how he left things. So I can see, I was never a priority.

[preraph]

Yes, it can be very hurtful.  I mean, he's told you how he doesn't love his wife and minimized her in every possible way -- and now he's clearly let you know that he thinks even less of you and chooses her over you.  So yeah, very hurtful.  

[hissecret]

27 minutes ago, preraph said:

Yes, it can be very hurtful.  I mean, he's told you how he doesn't love his wife and minimized her in every possible way -- and now he's clearly let you know that he thinks even less of you and chooses her over you.  So yeah, very hurtful.  

Absolutely. And as I think about it, he really chose him. And one thing I am really having a problem with, is this common? Completely shutting off contact with the person that you have spent these times with? Does that make the person feel better than he is no contact? Because just as he was calling and texting before, I feel like he could do the very same as she is not around 24 hours day (not that i want him to at this point) but what constitutes "no contact until it calms down" what difference does it make? honestly...

[Starswillshine]

Look, this man has looked his wife in the eye every day meanwhile carrying on an affair behind his back. That is deceitful and dishonest. That is who he is. She knows him best, and if he can lie to her, he can easily lie and manipulate you. No woman wants to hear how great his wife is. Affairs are one big fantasy land. So when the MM starts talking about future plans, it is in that whole fantasy world. He may desire it within that world, but he does not desire giving up his real world for it. 

Yes, the no contact thing is common. And the stay low until I smooth everything out is extremely common. Do not believe a word he says, only watch what his actions are telling you. Right now, he has an out. His wife has likely found out about your affair. His life will be turned upside down. Most wives do not just roll over and say, "Oh please don't leave, I'll be perfect wife now." Most wives put their WS through hell to prove themselves. So... if he is not running away from his wife when he is in hell, he won't be running away from his wife. And what does this tell you? He wants to remain married to his wife. She is his priority. He isn't running into your arms for this blissful future you guys dreamed and fantasized about. He is staying in the hell. 

[preraph]

1 hour ago, hissecret said:

Absolutely. And as I think about it, he really chose him. And one thing I am really having a problem with, is this common? Completely shutting off contact with the person that you have spent these times with? Does that make the person feel better than he is no contact? Because just as he was calling and texting before, I feel like he could do the very same as she is not around 24 hours day (not that i want him to at this point) but what constitutes "no contact until it calms down" what difference does it make? honestly...

We see it over and over on here with married affair partners.  It's all about him.  Some women let it go on for years.  Don't let that be you.  Married men nearly always stay with their wives and hurt the other woman, no matter what jibberish they tell you.  

 

And no contact is simply the best way for YOU to not waste any more time on him.  It's not for him or for any reason other than not giving him an opportunity to try to tempt you back in again and continue to make you weak for him.  The longer you waste on this guy, it will be those years wasted that you will regret the most, even more than being hurt by him, the waste of precious youth when you could have been maybe finding the right guy for you instead.

[elaine567]

How old are the two of you and how old are his kids?

[Amethyst68]

What did you think was going to happen? What were your expectations going forward?

[Luna66star]

I was in this same type of rollercoaster ride for 2 years with MM .  Once he felt better about himself as a man he started getting more confident.  Then he suddenly started saying weird things like he kept seeing his brother's car in areas of town we hung out at.  Or things are getting better at home.  He would suddenly disappear, go silent and then suddenly re-appear with no explanation expecting me to be waiting there at his beck and call.

I found out later through an acquaintance that he was out at a club we used to visit dancing with young things.

When they say they have to lay low, maybe it's the case but not in mine.  He suddenly had no more time for me.  I was then put on the backburner while he hunted for more prey.  These MM don't care about you - it's all about them feeling young again and getting  validation and attention. 

Did this guy even make an effort to get to know you, or was it all superficial stuff about your looks?

Mine was obsessed with my long blond hair and tattoos.

 

 

.  

[MsJayne]

Think about what he's been doing to his wife, the whole lot of it.   A guy who lies to his spouse will lie to anyone, especially to another woman, because he's actually a closet misogynist and he enjoys being cruel to women. He goes around charming the ladies, they just love him, and he just loves being loved and admired by gullible women. He doesn't get that admiration from his wife any longer because she learned long ago what a narcissistic prat he is. He probably treats her like dirt. Like, for instance, how he 'generously' offered to rent a place for her and he would stay in the family home and keep the kids - no 'nice guy' would do this to his spouse and definitely wouldn't do it to the kids. Did this not raise a red flag the size of Texas for you?  You can see the scenario....she broke down yet again over his stream of sleazy affairs and flings, told him to leave. But no, like the narcissist he is, he told her that if she wants out of the marriage she has to be the one to get out of the family home - him and the kids don't need her.  As far as the way he trashed you, he hasn't been confronted by anyone, that's just a load of horse dung he came up with to cool things between you, he's probably used that one a few times, possibly spins a wheel of excuses each time he has to get rid of his latest fling and whatever the wheel lands on is what she gets told. 

You haven't "done" anything....other than get involved with a 5 Star A-Hole. Block him, forget him, and find someone worthy of you, don't be that female who unwittingly plays a role in abusing another woman. 

[Hip Pocket]

Hissecret, I’m glad you’re getting a lot of responses but are they coming from people who are happily engaged in an EMR? Think about that as you sift through what really resonates. 
 

I’ve been in my EMR nearly two decades and I will tell you that his behavior is completely normal and he’ll likely get in touch with you very soon. And it’s not because she is his priority, it’s because his home life is his priority. Posts like that are meant, I feel, to have you question his intention. But you won’t know his intention until he comes back and tells you what it is. 
 

Also, don’t listen to stories about men wanting variety. While there are a few out there it’s otherwise male-bashing and not cool. Most men are careful not to bring STDs home to their Ws so unless they’re reckless they’re not going to look for variety so soon after starting up with you. 
 

A lot of men feel very protective over their Ws and families and if he’s seeking a break it’s to make sure they are in a safe space. Once he knows they’re good he’ll be in touch. Just wait.

Edited February 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[Daisydooks]

11 hours ago, hissecret said:

"We just have to back up a bit until all of this calms down."-????????????

I really want to call and text him but I have refrained from doing so. What is this??

 

"I want to stay married."

I'd bet dollars to donuts he made that up so you would back off because he is too conflict avoidant to end it like a grown man... Sincerely. Go NC and block him. MMs avoid conflict notoriously. It's a consistent trait if you read stories around here. They are avoiding conflict in the marriage by looking outside of it to begin with. 

If it walks like a duck...

Edited February 25, 2020 by Daisydooks

[Daisydooks]

My guess is no one at all knows. He just doesn't have the balls to end it and actually tell you that.  

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, Pocket said:

Also, don’t listen to stories about men wanting variety.

I would say having a wife and a woman on the side is having variety.

[Ellener]

18 hours ago, hissecret said:

I can see, I was never a priority.

Of course not. He married someone and she wasn't high on his list of priorities.

Go find someone worthy of your attention!

[elaine567]

21 hours ago, hissecret said:

We eventually started dating and we have had great times, expressions of feelings, laughter, moments of silence that we could only understand and other great moments. The crazy thing here is that we run in the same social circles and know a lot of the same people. We have been as great as can be, enjoying each others company, even talking about future plans for businesses, etc

You weren't dating, you were in an extra marital relationship.
Not the same.
Too many women see affairs as the start of some love story that ends up with commitment.
They are used to singles dating and expect it to get very serious as it all seems so very "perfect".
BUT most MM are looking for an OW,  NOT a wife nor a long term partner.

Pocket is the perfect OW, she is not looking for "more", she takes what he gives her, she is happy with that, and in return she gives him what he wants.
Trouble is that is not nearly enough for many OWs and that is why it is a miserable existence for them.
They expect progress, they expect to be prioritised, if his wife is soooo awful then they expect to be his one and only... 

Edited February 25, 2020 by elaine567