What have I done? I am so hurt.

[anika99]

On 2/29/2020 at 10:12 AM, hissecret said:

I thought of it as thoughtfullness especially since the home is his grandmother home that has been passed down in his direct family for generations. It made sense because he is around his children about 80% of the time if he isn't at work. And him offering a place was admirable, because well she doesn't make enough money to stand on our own.

You thought it was admirable that he offered to have his wife leave without her children? Would you have walked away from your child? If your ex tried to kick you out and keep your child with him would you have thought he was being admirable?  When my kids were still at home hell would freeze over before I'd leave my kids. 

[hissecret]

46 minutes ago, anika99 said:

You thought it was admirable that he offered to have his wife leave without her children? Would you have walked away from your child? If your ex tried to kick you out and keep your child with him would you have thought he was being admirable?  When my kids were still at home hell would freeze over before I'd leave my kids. 

I do believe at a certain age, boys should be with their father especially if the two are co-parenting. So in the instance of me, right now my son is young and once he reaches a certain age, yes the plan is for him to move in with his father because I will not be able to teach him how to be a man. But I will still be there for nurturing and support when he needed it. 

 

I thought it was admirable that he offered to pay for a place for her-yes absolutely. Because most wouldn't. As a mother, I get it, but also as an adult, I get it as well. 

[hippychick3]

2 hours ago, hissecret said:

I do believe at a certain age, boys should be with their father especially if the two are co-parenting. So in the instance of me, right now my son is young and once he reaches a certain age, yes the plan is for him to move in with his father because I will not be able to teach him how to be a man. But I will still be there for nurturing and support when he needed it. 

 

 

Umm, what??!! Are you kidding??

All kids, girls AND boys, need both of their parents! No, boys should not move in with their father at a certain age. My ex and I had joint custody of our son and daughter from the time of divorce until the age of 18. No effin way would I give up custody of my son at any age. No mother I know would do such a thing. And unless one of their parents was mentally unstable or abusive, they need both parents regardless of their gender. Your poor son will feel abandoned by you when you relinquish custody of him. I guarantee it. 

[hissecret]

18 minutes ago, hippychick3 said:

Umm, what??!! Are you kidding??

All kids, girls AND boys, need both of their parents! No, boys should not move in with their father at a certain age. My ex and I had joint custody of our son and daughter from the time of divorce until the age of 18. No effin way would I give up custody of my son at any age. No mother I know would do such a thing. And unless one of their parents was mentally unstable or abusive, they need both parents regardless of their gender. Your poor son will feel abandoned by you when you relinquish custody of him. I guarantee it. 

I wouldn't be relinquishing custody. That sounds ridiculous. I will be allowing his primary home to be that of his fathers as his primary home has been mine for his early years. It happens more often than not. I know plenty of women that have allowed their sons to go primarily live with their fathers once puberty hits. It is not "giving up" lol we of course would both be co parents per usual and there would be no custody given up lol 

[Prudence V]

11 hours ago, anika99 said:

You thought it was admirable that he offered to have his wife leave without her children? Would you have walked away from your child? If your ex tried to kick you out and keep your child with him would you have thought he was being admirable?  

That’s a pretty sexist view. Men are expected to leave without their children all the time in a divorce / separation - whether or not they’re the primary caregiver, whether or not that’s who the kids would choose to live with. 

[hippychick3]

8 hours ago, hissecret said:

I wouldn't be relinquishing custody. That sounds ridiculous. I will be allowing his primary home to be that of his fathers as his primary home has been mine for his early years. It happens more often than not. I know plenty of women that have allowed their sons to go primarily live with their fathers once puberty hits. It is not "giving up" lol we of course would both be co parents per usual and there would be no custody given up lol 

This is very, very sad to me. Boys need their mom just as much as their dad when puberty hits. My son who lived with me half the time for his puberty years is now a healthy, successful adult male who has never had an issue with being a man. 

[anika99]

12 hours ago, hissecret said:

I do believe at a certain age, boys should be with their father especially if the two are co-parenting. So in the instance of me, right now my son is young and once he reaches a certain age, yes the plan is for him to move in with his father because I will not be able to teach him how to be a man. But I will still be there for nurturing and support when he needed it. 

 

I thought it was admirable that he offered to pay for a place for her-yes absolutely. Because most wouldn't. As a mother, I get it, but also as an adult, I get it as well. 

Well for one thing, judges decide who pays what in a divorce. If they had divorced and mom had been awarded primary custody your MM would have to pay child support for the kids and possibly alimony too. It's fine if you and your ex have come to the decision that he become the primary caregiver when your son is older and if your son is agreeable to that then more power to you. I have 2 boys and they never would have wanted me to send them to their father. When my oldest was 17 and I was having a very difficult time with him, he did go to live with his father. At the time I thought it was the best thing but he had a very difficult time with it. Even though he was almost 18yrs old he was deeply hurt that I sent him to his father (which wasn't far, we lived in the same city) and felt abandoned by me. I was his home and he felt like I had turned my back on him. If this plan works for you and your family then that's great but not every mother and not every boy feels like that's the best plan for them. 

Also you say that your MM has been married for 10yrs and he married because his wife got pregnant. That means their oldest kid is only about 10 now and you when you talk about his children you use the plural kid(s) which leads me to believe that there are other children in the home who are well under 10yrs old so your MM was trying to get rid of his wife and keep the kids while they were still under 10yrs old. At what age are you planning to hand your son over to his father? 

Edited March 5, 2020 by anika99

[BaileyB]

I have to wonder, what is your MM going to teach his son about being a “man.” He has clearly disrespected his wife, and he has clearly used and disrespected you. Not exactly what i would want my son to learn...

[Timshel]

5 hours ago, Prudence V said:

That’s a pretty sexist view. Men are expected to leave without their children all the time in a divorce / separation - whether or not they’re the primary caregiver, whether or not that’s who the kids would choose to live with. 

Is this true Prudence, this is not a reality in 2020.  Men who are wayward and dealing with a pissed off betrayed spouse, perhaps.  In truth, divorce (2020) is not unfair to dads.  I would say that it is more true that there are more fathers on divorce who are comfy with less time with the kids of their own choice, not the court.

 

[Starswillshine]

17 minutes ago, Timshel said:

Is this true Prudence, this is not a reality in 2020.  Men who are wayward and dealing with a pissed off betrayed spouse, perhaps.  In truth, divorce (2020) is not unfair to dads.  I would say that it is more true that there are more fathers on divorce who are comfy with less time with the kids of their own choice, not the court.

 

Yep. This was my xWH. He moved 45 minutes away willingly and settled for every other weekend. When we went through the divorce, he was more concerned about having legal troubles if he picked up the kids late. Or if he had something come up on his weekend and he couldnt have them, could he get in trouble for it. 

[Timshel]

I won't post in these threads often, I get my hand slapped.  The reality is that people achieve exactly what they want to achieve.  Blaming the judicial system, particularly in the UK/US is not going over with me.

The op simply should not be misinformed.

[anika99]

8 hours ago, Prudence V said:

That’s a pretty sexist view. Men are expected to leave without their children all the time in a divorce / separation - whether or not they’re the primary caregiver, whether or not that’s who the kids would choose to live with. 

It sounds sexist but even in this day and age most women are more closely bonded to  her children than the father is. I know there are exceptions to this but I don't personally know any married couples where the father is more bonded and more hands-on than the mom. And in my experience with the divorced couples I know the men have not wanted to be the primary caregiver and have instead preferred to be weekend parents. Where I live it's relatively common for a 50/50 custody split if that's what the father wants but most men are not interested in having that much time with their kids. 

[Hip Pocket]

On 3/5/2020 at 8:26 AM, BaileyB said:

I have to wonder, what is your MM going to teach his son about being a “man.” He has clearly disrespected his wife, and he has clearly used and disrespected you. Not exactly what i would want my son to learn...

Contrary to popular belief men (And women) who have affairs are completely capable of raising their children right and often have very successful adult kids. My MM’s kids are pillars of society and so are mine. 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Hip Pocket said:

Contrary to popular belief men (And women) who have affairs are completely capable of raising their children right and often have very successful adult kids. My MM’s kids are pillars of society and so are mine. 

I did not say that his children would not grow to be fine and responsible adults. I said, given the lack of respect he has shown both his wife and OP, he is not the kind of role model I would want for my child. While I do believe that the most important role model for a child is their same sex parent, I would not be willing to have my child live with this man as his primary caregiver. Just my opinion...

Edited March 7, 2020 by BaileyB

[Poppy47]

On 2/25/2020 at 6:20 AM, hissecret said:

quite common?? this is a whole word within a world. I am blown away by it all. I take responsibility for even allowing myself to get into this predicament. It is crazy how I believed the things and feelings he portrayed for me, but as soon as things hit the fan (The fan that supposedly he really isn't trying to stay with) he puts me on the back burner. And not only that, says basically "hold tight, I will be back". mind blowing!

LIve and Learn from the experience.  He has not intention of leaving her.  He will come crawling back with pretty words and half promises when the wife is happy again.

Poppy.

[Poppy47]

4 hours ago, Hip Pocket said:

Contrary to popular belief men (And women) who have affairs are completely capable of raising their children right and often have very successful adult kids. My MM’s kids are pillars of society and so are mine. 

MIne are also. They have developed in to very responsible, conservative, good adults and my only grand child is headed in the same direction.

Poppy

[Hip Pocket]

8 hours ago, Poppy47 said:

MIne are also. They have developed in to very responsible, conservative, good adults and my only grand child is headed in the same direction.

Poppy

Hi Poppy, I’m not familiar with your story. Are you an OP? 

[hissecret]

Hi all,

 

Thank you again for all of your advice, words, etc! While some I do not agree with this, it is always great to see others opinions and views on things! An update for the whole thread. About a day after I posted this, he contacted me with much dialogue. Going into detail what information was brought to him. Not digging into deep, the information was indeed correct and surprisingly, came from my side of the fence. Someone snooped on me and in turn found out information that no one was privy to but only to him and I. It is a very crazy world. We have been in heavy correspondence and have been trying to figure it all out.

A little perspective on some things (and it may not be of popular opinion) I do believe him as far as why he has stayed because well I stayed for all of the same reasons. Again we didn't start with the intention of being together, liking each other, etc. It organically happened. My background-I was in a partnership for 18 years. For about 9 of those, I was unhappy. Through the unhappiness, I even had a child. And really committed to being unhappy as long as MY FAMILY was together. As long as we were in the same household, it didn't matter. my happiness didn't matter but only that of my child. I also was OK because it was SECURITY, and I was COMFORTABLE. I knew him like the back of my hand and to go out there and try to find someone else I know like that was TERRIFYING. I didn't want to start over,  finding out someones favorite color, what he's like angry, etc UGH-how taxing. I was OK with sticking with what I knew. Regardless if I was unhappy in it. I loved him but definitely wasn't in love. BUT IT WORKED. I felt that being IN LOVE didn't matter, we loved each other and we respected our family unit. Him vs our family unit was two separate entities. We went on date nights, family outings, vacations, etc and at the end of each day or outing, I was still UNHAPPY but again I stayed. We slept in the same bed, and ever so often I would engage in sexual intercourse, but HATED IT.  We even moved out of our home state for his job purposes, and I really began to hate it because now I was ALONE in a state I knew nothing about. There is much more that I can say but at the end of it all, the ONLY reason why I left that was because we began to argue too much for my liking and our child was witnessing it. If the arguments didn't happen, I can promise you all, I WOULD STILL BE THERE-unhappy, miserable and still doing the family outings, family photos, etc..And even when I did decide to finally leave, I still had doubts, it took everything in me to finally just do it...things like that are never black and white..a lot of people say "if they are unhappy, they would divorce, they still wouldn't be there" while that may be in some cases, a lot of cases that is very untrue.  I know because I lived it

 

 

[Redhead14]

Thank whoever outed you two because now you know that you weren't a girlfriend or dating or whatever you want to call it . . . you were his side piece and his priority is his wife/family in spite of whatever is going on in that family.  Not only that, he more or less put you on the back burner until he convinces his wife that he's ended it with you and she starts feeling comfortable with him again.  So, you just go ahead and keep yourself in limbo for an indefinite period of time or until he gets so horny that he decides to take a chance.  Or, try to salvage your dignity by blocking, deleting, forgetting, forever and find yourself a man who is really into you and wants to make you a priority.

[hissecret]

23 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

Thank whoever outed you two because now you know that you weren't a girlfriend or dating or whatever you want to call it . . . you were his side piece and his priority is his wife/family in spite of whatever is going on in that family.  Not only that, he more or less put you on the back burner until he convinces his wife that he's ended it with you and she starts feeling comfortable with him again.  So, you just go ahead and keep yourself in limbo for an indefinite period of time or until he gets so horny that he decides to take a chance.  Or, try to salvage your dignity by blocking, deleting, forgetting, forever and find yourself a man who is really into you and wants to make you a priority.

Thank you so much for your response! The wife does not know. I understand your point of view! Being in the situation that I was in, I would protect my family unit as well. That is a given and  wouldn't expect him to do anything BUT that. When in my past unappy-ship-my family unit took precedence over EVERYTHING including myself. I protected it at all cost. I still protect it at all cost. A little other tidbit about me-my son doesn't even know that his father and I are no longer together. He thinks that we live separately in diff states due to jobs. He says "mommy and daddy are married" "mommy and daddy love each other" And we tell him ABSOLUTELY. We still see each other, we still do family outings, we still do family photos and now that we are in both of a space, we have now started talking about finally telling him the real deal as we just wasn't prepared to do it. Everyone's timelines are...different. 

As far as being a priority. I honestly do not want to be a priority because he isn't a priority to me YET. We are still getting to know each other, etc..It takes awhile for someone to be a priority like that...well...to me. My ex is still more of a priority than he is to me. So I wouldn't expect anything else. His priority should be his family unit. That should be preserved at all costs UNTIL he is READY for something otherwise .

 

Edited March 7, 2020 by hissecret

[Redhead14]

Wow

[BaileyB]

Just, wow. 

[preraph]

During teen years, girls often get in conflict with their moms and boys often get in conflict with their dad, so I don't know that there's a certain age anyone should be primarily with either parent.  Certainly not same-sex parents teen years.  They need both influences and time from both so there's less resentment all along, at every age.  They do need both male and female role models, as long as what they're modeling isn't messed up.

[mark clemson]

@hissecret whatever else you do, I would suggest you not let yourself get sucked in again, as it will almost certainly just prolong your distress (ultimately - like a drug it will probably feel good at first). I would suggest you ignore any talk of "this time I'm leaving for real" or similar from him, should that happen. We see a fair number of stories where the MM waffles around, back and forth, etc, and it's usually the OW who bears the brunt of the emotional whipsawing.

In a way it's too bad some interloper took it upon themselves to out you (IMO at least) but what's done is done. I suggest you try to make the most rational, logical decisions possible in a difficult, emotional situation and let your thinking brain be your guide.

[JimmyNorth]

7 hours ago, hissecret said:

Thank you so much for your response! The wife does not know. I understand your point of view! Being in the situation that I was in, I would protect my family unit as well. That is a given and  wouldn't expect him to do anything BUT that. When in my past unappy-ship-my family unit took precedence over EVERYTHING including myself. I protected it at all cost. I still protect it at all cost. A little other tidbit about me-my son doesn't even know that his father and I are no longer together. He thinks that we live separately in diff states due to jobs. He says "mommy and daddy are married" "mommy and daddy love each other" And we tell him ABSOLUTELY. We still see each other, we still do family outings, we still do family photos and now that we are in both of a space, we have now started talking about finally telling him the real deal as we just wasn't prepared to do it. Everyone's timelines are...different. 

As far as being a priority. I honestly do not want to be a priority because he isn't a priority to me YET. We are still getting to know each other, etc..It takes awhile for someone to be a priority like that...well...to me. My ex is still more of a priority than he is to me. So I wouldn't expect anything else. His priority should be his family unit. That should be preserved at all costs UNTIL he is READY for something otherwise .

 

I may be able to give an insight from a MM perspective.

I was in somewhat of a similar situation. I’m willing to bet that it’s true that he most likely lost the passion for his wife. Only he knows why it died or why it fizzled out. Your MM most likely really is wanting to be with somebody fresh and new that “gets him” and treats him like a king. BUT....there’s a strong chain that prevents him from leaving his wife, even though the passion is gone. I’m also willing to bet, that while he may be having sex with her still, it’s most likely sparingly and cannot compete with the intensity that you guys have. 

Now, I’m regards to his recent actions, I would venture to say that he is in a very confused state at the moment. At first I was thinking the “people found out” thing was fake and just him trying to tone the affair down as he may be second guessing it. If he really likes you, trust me, he will not let you go! Even if there are a few days of silence. He knows you are stuck on him hard and won’t go anywhere. You can test this by not replying to him for days, or even tell him you are moving on. If you are what he really wants, he will Wake up!

if I read this right, sounds like your affair has only been a few months? If so, give it some time because he has to process all this. He is lying to his wife and is trying not to rock any boats at the moment. But at the same time, he is ALWYAS looking forward to having you in his arms and now releasing his pent up passion that has been tucked away for years.

Affairs suck, I hated the way mine started and the way I handled it. I should have divorced first and then went full blast with my OW. But of course, I was confused, didn’t want to rock any boats and trying to enjoy my OW while keeping the family intact. It was all a lie though, I was not happy at home. I could not really enjoy any family functions. My OW was always on my mind. Unfortunately, I treated my OW very selfishly, like a side piece, even though I REALLY DIDNT think of her like that. But that’s what it was. And I was also hurting myself with the stupid double life I was living. 

Your MM will reach the fork in the road hopefully soon and do the right thing where he will truly choose and treat his chosen woman as a queen and live a happy life. If he is no longer in love with his wife, then let her go and find happiness!

Maybe you can show him this response and have him read it. Ask him if it hits home.

Edited March 8, 2020 by JimmyNorth
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