Girlfriend of 2 years is hiding me from the world

[SerPundnes]

Hey guys,

Been a few years since I've posted here, but problems around love always sends me back here.

So I've been dating a girl for over 2 years, and I got this gut feeling that she's really not a nice person. (Yes, I've done this to myself for the last 2+ years) ..

Here are some of the things I'm bothered about:

- I have met her friends ONCE at a local festival during this 2+ years period

- She won't leave ANY traces of me anywhere on social media, but is perfectly fine with posting stuff with guy friends

- She has alot of guy friends, or should I say orbiters. One even called in the midle of the night on a Saturday. I asked if she was gonna tell him she had a boyfriend, but she "didn't see the point in telling him, after all he only called once"

- She told me all her friends (both girls and guys) is telling her to dump me, but she won't do that "because I mean so much to her, and she don't care what her friends thinks"

- We were out shopping some weeks ago, when one of her girl friends suddenly was there, I didn't know how to behave because all that was running in the back of my mind was that this girl really hates me. I was later told that both my girlfriend and this friend noticed how weird I was

- My girlfriend from time to time reminds me that "remember what my friends think of you"

- She has started doing coke for the last 2 months, I'm super against that stuff and now I feel like the parent that dosen't understand "cool"

 

All this has made me super insecure and paranoid, I feel she is hiding me from the rest of her life and hiding the rest of her life from me ..

I sometimes comment on stuff when she is meeting up with 1 girl friend and 2 guy friends, like "Oh, so it's a double date!" (I can't hold these comments back when I'm bothered enough). Then she flips out and won't talk to me for like a week.

I have tried dumping her a few times, but she always gets what she want, another try, but it never gets better. And of course she uses this for all that it's worth: I'm the bad person for dumping her "all the time" ..

How do I stay strong enough to actually dump her?

I'm so tired of it all, I got zero energy these days, nothing really makes me happy ..

Edited February 24, 2020 by SerPundnes

[ExpatInItaly]

You find the strength to dump her by building up your own self-esteem. 

Most self-respecting men would have ditched her ages ago, so you need to reflect on what you are getting from this arrangement. It's not a loving and healthy relationship, so what is it? Are you afraid you won't find another girl to date?

[SerPundnes]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You find the strength to dump her by building up your own self-esteem. 

Most self-respecting men would have ditched her ages ago, so you need to reflect on what you are getting from this arrangement. It's not a loving and healthy relationship, so what is it? Are you afraid you won't find another girl to date?

Thanks for your reply.

I think I am afraid of that. Soon I'll be 30, and I'm stressing about starting the whole process all over to find a new girlfriend ..

[SerPundnes]

1 hour ago, enigma32 said:

She is keeping you off her social media because to the world at large, she is likely single. She wants to keep her options open while still maintaining a relationship. 

Yeah, there couldn't be any other reason? I asked her about it, and she told me that she don't like to share her private life on social media. But come on, shouldn't people atleast know I exist?

[RecentChange]

Did you get any elaboration on why her friends do not like you and according to her encourage her to dump you?

First, those are hurtful self absorbed things to say. And secondly - it's a way to keep you under her thumb.

What you have described is not normal in my book, and it sounds like she is keeping her options open to someone better to come along.

I hear that you don't want to start over - but this is not a good relationship. It's tearing down your self esteem and making you feel bad. Why would you want to cling to that? Why would you want to put all your eggs in this s***ty basket?

She doesn't appear to love and respect you, and I am note sure you love not respect yourself if you have been tolerating this for two years and do not want to give it up

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you know her reasoning is BS. 

You are completely wasting your time with her. 

[Redhead14]

3 hours ago, SerPundnes said:

How do I stay strong enough to actually dump her?

I'm so tired of it all, I got zero energy these days, nothing really makes me happy ..

How do you stay strong enough to actually dump her?  Think about feeling the way you say you do in your second statement above for another 2 years or more.  Seriously.  What's the dilemma? Years of feeling unhappy and unfulfilled for a few seconds of bliss once in awhile???

Tell her this is not the kind of relationship you want for yourself and wish her well.  Done, over, hasta la vista, babeee. 

Edited February 24, 2020 by Redhead14

[preraph]

What is she getting out of this relationship?  Are you paying for stuff for her? 

[MsJayne]

You don't need us to tell you she's nasty,  you already know  it.  The reason her friends dislike you is because of what she's likely been saying about you, (and unless you've actually done something to warrant her running you down to her friends this is psychologically unsound behaviour and a big sign that something's not right with her).  Without launching into a big explanation, her actions towards you are outright abusive. She's telling you that no one likes you, then tells you that she'll stick by you anyway. How magnanimous of her - ugh, someone pass me a bucket!  That's poisonous and manipulative behaviour, and you need to see her for exactly what she is because your feeling of exhaustion is a sign that she's wearing you right down - next stop, full-blown depression. Thing is this, if she really cared for you, even just as a friend, she'd tell her other friends to keep their opinions to themselves, maybe even fade them from her life. My advice is to run, find yourself a decent girl, there's lots out there. Also, and this is just plain childish of me, but when you dump her, tell her that your friends think she's got the IQ of a walnut and that she may even have a borderline personality disorder. Let some other guy be the victim of her juvenile crap. 

[schlumpy]

What do your friends say about her? Are they telling you to dump her?

 

[JTSW]

12 hours ago, SerPundnes said:

I think I am afraid of that. Soon I'll be 30, and I'm stressing about starting the whole process all over to find a new girlfriend ..

Anything is better than living like this with a girl is horrible and nasty as her.

Just walk away and block her from contacting you.

Edited February 25, 2020 by JTSW

[SerPundnes]

13 hours ago, RecentChange said:

Did you get any elaboration on why her friends do not like you and according to her encourage her to dump you?

First, those are hurtful self absorbed things to say. And secondly - it's a way to keep you under her thumb.

What you have described is not normal in my book, and it sounds like she is keeping her options open to someone better to come along.

I hear that you don't want to start over - but this is not a good relationship. It's tearing down your self esteem and making you feel bad. Why would you want to cling to that? Why would you want to put all your eggs in this s***ty basket?

She doesn't appear to love and respect you, and I am note sure you love not respect yourself if you have been tolerating this for two years and do not want to give it up

I've been jealous from time to time because of her behavior, so all her friends think I'm some control freak who dosen't let her have fun. She barely spends weekends with me, because she already has plans with these friends who obviously hates me. Like I said, I have met her friends once, and one of them even said "Oh, you're that guy from Manchester", I'm not even from Manchester .. 

I have no idea why I keep up with this stuff, guess I'm weak ..  

[SerPundnes]

13 hours ago, enigma32 said:

I get people not sharing their life on social media, but she shares her life on there when it comes to her guy friends, right? She just doesn't share her life with you. So, you have to ask yourself why would she hide you? Why, when some random dude calls her in the middle of the night, does she not flip out on him for calling her so late first off, and second, why she doesn't even mention you? 

 

I've asked several times before why she keeps hiding me, she just says "I'm not hiding you, those who needs to know I have a boyfriend knows" ..

After two years there is still names of her friends that pop up here and there that I've never heard of .. Then she gets mad because "I never remember anything from her life" .. How could I?

[SerPundnes]

13 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

How do you stay strong enough to actually dump her?  Think about feeling the way you say you do in your second statement above for another 2 years or more.  Seriously.  What's the dilemma? Years of feeling unhappy and unfulfilled for a few seconds of bliss once in awhile???

Tell her this is not the kind of relationship you want for yourself and wish her well.  Done, over, hasta la vista, babeee. 

Oh I hear you loud and clear, but feelings never agrees with the logic .. If a friend was in this situation I'd tell him to dump her, it's just so hard to give those same advice to myself ..

That's why I'm here for some encouraging words.

[JTSW]

Just now, SerPundnes said:

so all her friends think I'm some control freak who dosen't let her have fun. She barely spends weekends with me, because she already has plans with these friends who obviously hates me.

OP, i can guarantee you that she lied about her friends hating you.

It's BS.

She wants to appear single to world and telling you her friends hate you allows her to keep you at a distance from her world.

Please don't stay with such a toxic person.

[SerPundnes]

12 hours ago, preraph said:

What is she getting out of this relationship?  Are you paying for stuff for her? 

Not paying for anything, she just wants cuddles and to "feel safe when sleeping".

I'm a few years older than her, she has her own apartment, but know very little about how to "live": Applying for jobs, how taxes works, how to invest money well etc etc. All the things adults really knows a little about, she leans on me for all these things. I even had to help her send an email of resignation because it was so scary for her to send and even write the email.

[SerPundnes]

11 hours ago, MsJayne said:

You don't need us to tell you she's nasty,  you already know  it.  The reason her friends dislike you is because of what she's likely been saying about you, (and unless you've actually done something to warrant her running you down to her friends this is psychologically unsound behaviour and a big sign that something's not right with her).  Without launching into a big explanation, her actions towards you are outright abusive. She's telling you that no one likes you, then tells you that she'll stick by you anyway. How magnanimous of her - ugh, someone pass me a bucket!  That's poisonous and manipulative behaviour, and you need to see her for exactly what she is because your feeling of exhaustion is a sign that she's wearing you right down - next stop, full-blown depression. Thing is this, if she really cared for you, even just as a friend, she'd tell her other friends to keep their opinions to themselves, maybe even fade them from her life. My advice is to run, find yourself a decent girl, there's lots out there. Also, and this is just plain childish of me, but when you dump her, tell her that your friends think she's got the IQ of a walnut and that she may even have a borderline personality disorder. Let some other guy be the victim of her juvenile crap. 

Well, I've been jealous from time to time, and tried dumping her a three times .. Wich then her friends of course gets to know, so now I'm the big bad wolf who treat women with disrespect. I admit I should've stayed away forever the first time I tried to dump her of course ..

I've actually thought that before, that she has some borderline personality disorder. I know for sure that she has daddy issues, her dad has been a douche all her life.

[SerPundnes]

2 hours ago, schlumpy said:

What do your friends say about her? Are they telling you to dump her?

 

My friends is tired of listening to me rant about her, haha .. They are absolutely telling me to dump her yesterday ..

[SerPundnes]

Oh and when she's not doing something with her friends, her hobbies are farting, breathing and Netflix .. Guess who gets to take part of those hobbies!

[JTSW]

Just now, SerPundnes said:

so now I'm the big bad wolf who treat women with disrespect.

And she was the one that told you this right?

[SerPundnes]

4 minutes ago, JTSW said:

And she was the one that told you this right?

Yes, every once in a while she says "remember what my friends think of you"

[JTSW]

Just now, SerPundnes said:

Yes, every once in a while she says "remember what my friends think of you"

SerPundnes, she is lying through her teeth.

I've seen this before.

I was on a forum a long time ago where someone posted about this very same thing, his gf telling him that her friends hate him, even though he never met them.

He later bumped into one of these friends and tried to explain to her but she had no idea what he was talking about.

She confirmed that none of the friends even knew about him.

Your 'gf' is just trying to make you feel insecure and its working.

You need to walk away, right now.

Edited February 25, 2020 by JTSW

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, SerPundnes said:

so all her friends think I'm some control freak who dosen't let her have fun. She barely spends weekends with me, because she already has plans with these friends who obviously hates me. Like I said, I have met her friends once, and one of them even said "Oh, you're that guy from Manchester", I'm not even from Manchester .. 

Ser, do you really not already know what is happening here? Or are you pretending not to know because the truth is too painful? 

She lies about her friends "hating" you so she can invent a reason to not bring you around them. Why? Well, that would spoil her fun with the guys she does bring around them, one of whom is evidently from Manchester. 

You are not the only boyfriend in her life. I guarantee you that. 

[vla1120]

Ser. This girl is controlling and abusive. What you really need to address is why you don't believe you deserve better. Once you realize just how controlling and abusive she is, and that you deserve better, you'll wonder why you stayed so long. Kick her to the curb. Stat.

[2BGoodAgain]

i don't understand... why are you dating this girl?

do you enjoy being a doormat?