Girlfriend of 2 years is hiding me from the world

[SerPundnes]

On 3/12/2020 at 3:22 PM, scooby-philly said:

Hey @SerPundnes - A few observations from my experience in life, dating, and also helping others:

 

1. Abandonment doesn't mean people left you like straight out and never came back for years or never. It can be the threat of abandonment, someone becoming less available (I had a brother who went to boarding school for HS and it was kinda like that. It wouldn't have been a big deal had my parents been comfortable with me expressing emotional needs and expressing negative emotions and/or if they hadn't used threats of abandonment when they fought - so it can vary). But...perhaps that's not your problem. If you didn't receive any positive feedback growing up, if you didn't feel like your parents were proud of you and your accomplishments and/or you grew up with low self-esteem either or both of those combined can lead you to seek success not for the sake of being who are and fulfilling what you're capable of, but to fill that emptiness you feel inside of you constantly. I would suggest, if that was true, some long and deep therapy. Doesn't need to be a quack job, medication, or some new style therapy. Just learn some techniques to improve your self-esteem and find healthier, more fun, and more fulfilling ways to fill that hole.

 

2. You're second point - look - most people want that. Now a lot can't sustain good relationships until they work on themselves. And a lot of people are just messed up to the point where they can never sustain a good relationship. Just keep that in mind. Don't fall in love with a version of a person inside your head. Fall in love with the person who's really in front of you.  And look - relationships are rarely 50-50, though as my buddy @Beachead is fond of saying - relationships, good ones, are really not 50-50. They're 100-100. That's the only way the relationship can stay healthy when one person is down. As for the person taking interest in your life...that's a forgone conclusion in a happy, healthy, emotionally mature and stable relationship. Anyone who isn't interested in you and your life, who doesn't smile when you come home from work, who doesn't become your best friend and who you can be completely yourself and completely transparent around - they're not the "one" for you.

3. As for what you shared about your current gf (who I hope will become your ex-gf very quickly. And to point something out - if you look at my responses as a whole to threads on here, I rarely advocate a position on staying or leaving a relationship unless I believe what the person is sharing is true, as unbiased as it can be expected, and has clear, unmistakable signs that it's not meant to be and not healthy for one or both parties and I'm not being blinded by any residual issues from my own life/relationship)

•  I had problems seeling my appartment where I lived before and it took a toll on me and wanted support from my girlfriend, she told me to call my parents and cry about it

  • Assuming you mean "selling". But even if you meant "sealing", I would say that response was mean, nasty, and self-centered. She's got no empathy for others and I would hazard a guess that if someone she was dating gave that sort of attitude back it would cause WW3. That's red flag number one.

• I play instruments, she has never asked to hear me play them

  • Taken by itself, it would just be odd. Mixed with what you shared about her generally not caring about you and your life, this is red flag number two. Real partners take an interest. Now....maybe she doesn't like music or musicians. But that would be something for you to discuss under normal circumstances. However, in this case, is one of probably many examples of her self-centeredness.

• I am not allowed to listen to my favorite band because she don't like it, if I pick her up with my car, she changes to radio as soon as she gets in. She gets mad if I play it on my stereo at home

  • Red flag #3. I believe there should be a little bit of compatibility in musical taste. Maybe sharing at least a few artists or a genre or two in common. But outside of that - if you're at your house and she complains about your music - and you accommodate her in other ways and at other times - again, it's her self-centeredness and lack of empathy showing.

• One time she cut herself several times in the arm, and it was my fault because I was stressing her out (hadn't talked to her in days when this happened

  • This is red flag #4. And ALONE, ALL BY ITSELF, is enough to walk away IMMEDIATELY. This is a potential psychopath/sociopath or at the very least someone with some very deep seeded psychological issues. You're not there to save her and you're not even there to put up with this behavior. Any time before the "I DO"...even if you're living together...even if you have kids together....threats of or actual acts of self-harm are immediate grounds for breakup. Maybe 1/1,000 times someone can endure this because there are no other psychological issues and eventually the person gets better and stays that way, but my friend, combined with everything else you've shared...RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

• One time she lost her phone on the way home from a night out, my fault because I was waiting outside her building waiting for her to get home

  • Assuming you mean she blamed you. That's red flag #5. And this alone too, to a much lesser extent, warrants immediate discussion and potentially immediate exit. Do not ever, friends, family, and especially with romantic partners, let others blame you for their mistakes or for simple accidents. Sure....we all probably do this to a lesser or greater extent...but I'm guessing there's dozens of other incidents like this and there will be more to come. If you see a pattern of blame develop - even if they're not blaming you but always blaming others.....it's not healthy, mature, nor does it speak to a sense of self-ownership for her life, her choices, her accidents, and her mistakes. Red flag #5.

• She's comparing me to other dudes, and in the other dudes favor

  • This is a psychological trick that manipulators and the aforementioned sociopaths/psychopaths use on unwilling/naive victims (yes my friend, you're naive if you didn't leave because of this (and even more foolish for sticking around with ALL OF THESE ISSUES)) to hook them. To play on your low self-esteem, your lack of a backbone, and your low self-worth. No one wants to be compared to anyone. Romantic relationships - this is a key issue that causes breakups in the first 3 months. And to do it often and to do it where you're being put down - that's how deep seeded her issues are. She doesn't even register that she's doing this, she doesn't even recognize your worth. if you were that bad, why is she with you? Hint...because you keep her around. Try talking down to her and see what happens....lol. Red flag #6. And like #4 is an immediate - out the door you go - flag.

Sorry for the harsh words at times OP, but I try to be honest and when necessary, blunt. Kick this trash to the curb and spend sometime working on yourself, healing, and get some therapy to help yourself moving forward. You sound like a decent guy - learn that and don't tolerate anything less than what you deserve.

Thanks for your great answer once again! And sorry for the late reply, been busy in these Corona-times ..

There is one feeling I can't shake off, and that's "what if she becomes the perfect girl for the next guy? Loving, no cutting, no comparing, taking interests in the next guys life. She becomes everything I wanted her to be" ..

What would be your response to such a thought?

Thanks again!

[usa1ah]

That you were never the one. 
 

If she did all this things for the next guy it only proves that she was never really interested in you. If she was into you she would be doing all of these things already. 

[anotherfool]

5 hours ago, SerPundnes said:

Thanks for your great answer once again! And sorry for the late reply, been busy in these Corona-times ..

There is one feeling I can't shake off, and that's "what if she becomes the perfect girl for the next guy? Loving, no cutting, no comparing, taking interests in the next guys life. She becomes everything I wanted her to be" ..

What would be your response to such a thought?

Thanks again!

Who Cares?   It isn't you mate.  She doesn't respect you and never will. 

Her current actions tell you all you need to know.

[scooby-philly]

5 hours ago, SerPundnes said:

Thanks for your great answer once again! And sorry for the late reply, been busy in these Corona-times ..

There is one feeling I can't shake off, and that's "what if she becomes the perfect girl for the next guy? Loving, no cutting, no comparing, taking interests in the next guys life. She becomes everything I wanted her to be" ..

What would be your response to such a thought?

Thanks again!

No thanks necessary! We are all here (well most of us) to help one another! And no apologies - life is busy, with or without COVID-19.

That's a fear we all have. Those with low self-esteem and/or those who dump people because they put someone on a pedestal can feel like "they'll never be good enough". For those who dump/get dumped and they recognize that their ex wasn't good enough - there will always be that lingering question of "what happens if they get better" - especially if you're the dumper. 

The reality is you have to love, absolutely and unconditionally, the person in front of you now. Today. And sure, there's always a few things we wished our partners would change or start/stop doing. But if you look back and say wouldn't you do it all again if nothings was to change, then it wasn't meant to me. To love is to be vulnerable. (real love, mature love, emotionally healthy love). And to be vulnerable means you can get hurt. And that also means you need to feel loved, supported, understood, and valued. Dating is about figuring out what you want and what you need, your "non-negotiables" and the s*** that doesn't matter to you. And at the end of the day, when two people are in a mature, healthy, communicative, and emotionally stable relationship, if someone needs x....they feel like they can express it and they're partner helps them find the best way to get that need filled.

With those 6 red flags (2 of which, in my book, are automatic goodbyes on their own) - you have nothing to worry about. The only thing that's making you question your decision is your low self-worth. And that doesn't mean you half low self-worth in all areas of your life. But you need to learn it in your dating life. If you don' have any abandonment issues from childhood or other emotional needs that might require some major counseling, I'd focus on the nature of the relationship your parents had as a starting point. Now, they could have had a good one and you just have to build up a lot of dating experience and develop an idea of what you're looking for and what you will and will not tolerate. As I said - two of the red flags both qualify each as automatic, out the door you go on your ass as fast as I can throw you penalties.

But...don't beat yourself up. It's all a lesson you can learn from, grow from, and move forward with. I'm 38 and didn't start really dating serious (or trying to) till I was 28 - and didn't meet someone till I was almost 30. 8.5 years later and I'm single again and still want to find someone to start a family with. My biggest problem - my self-esteem / self-worth. I stayed around in 3 ltrs that I didn't not belong in. Only 1 was as terrible as the situation as you described. The other two were just not right for me. I can sit here and bemoan being 38 and single and no kids. Or I can say I've learned some hard lessons and that I'm lucky enough I have not had to or will not need to (at this point) go through a messy divorce, I'm not stuck in a loveless marriage, and I'm not stuck raising kids with someone who's a bad mother. I'm lucky in many regards. 

 

Keep your chin up and realize all you need to do is not tolerate this sort of behavior. No sane, stable, mature, and unbiased person would call you anything but a smart person for walking away from this and from not ever letting anyone else get 5% down the road to this same sort of behavior in the future.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, SerPundnes said:

There is one feeling I can't shake off, and that's "what if she becomes the perfect girl for the next guy? Loving, no cutting, no comparing, taking interests in the next guys life. She becomes everything I wanted her to be" ..

What would be your response to such a thought?

That I'm looking for excuses to hang on. 

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, SerPundnes said:

Thanks for your great answer once again! And sorry for the late reply, been busy in these Corona-times ..

There is one feeling I can't shake off, and that's "what if she becomes the perfect girl for the next guy? Loving, no cutting, no comparing, taking interests in the next guys life. She becomes everything I wanted her to be" ..

What would be your response to such a thought?

Thanks again!

Then that would mean she is meant for him.  It isn't something that one has to force, she will want to be that person for him.  Now you have to find a woman who wants to be the perfect girl for you.