Girlfriend of 2 years is hiding me from the world

[smackie9]

You have no self esteem dude. Dump her already....you will feel so much better about it.

[Watercolors]

She's not even a girlfriend by definition alone. 

I get the sense that you are lonely and have low self esteem about what you have to offer women, so you attach yourself to emotionally unavailable women, bc the way they ignore you validates the way you ignore yourself. 

No one here has to tell you that she's wrong for you. Because you already know that's the truth. 

Have you tried therapy ever? There's some reason you do this -- attach yourself to toxic women. It fulfills something inside you because it's not a real relationship. What are you afraid of with a real relationship? Not being accepted for who you are? 

[SerPundnes]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

She's not even a girlfriend by definition alone. 

I get the sense that you are lonely and have low self esteem about what you have to offer women, so you attach yourself to emotionally unavailable women, bc the way they ignore you validates the way you ignore yourself. 

No one here has to tell you that she's wrong for you. Because you already know that's the truth. 

Have you tried therapy ever? There's some reason you do this -- attach yourself to toxic women. It fulfills something inside you because it's not a real relationship. What are you afraid of with a real relationship? Not being accepted for who you are? 

Wow, never thought about it like that. You made me really think there ..

I have tried therapy, but for other reasons than relationships.

I have no idea what I'm afraid of, all I really want is a nice girl that I can start a family with.

I guess I don't know how to reall tell if a relationship is real or not? Does that make sense?

[Watercolors]

11 minutes ago, SerPundnes said:

I guess I don't know how to reall tell if a relationship is real or not? Does that make sense?

Well, it boils down to common sense. If you have that, you should be able to tell the difference between a genuine relationship and a fake one. 

A fake relationship has these characteristics: terrible communication, constant arguments about the same issues that never get resolved, putting up a front in public that your relationship is great, when behind closed doors its terrible, you need each other in unhealthy ways so there's a codependency about your connection -- neither of you can handle being 'alone' per se so you feed off of each other, and last but not least, the power struggles where one or both partners always needs to be the one who is right and their partner is always wrong. 

A healthy relationship doesn't have any of those characteristics. That's how you can tell the difference. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, SerPundnes said:

I guess I don't know how to reall tell if a relationship is real or not? Does that make sense?

What is your definition of a real relationship? 

[vengfulone]

Why are you two together in the first place? She's ashamed to be seen with you in public or on her media. she dog's you buy going out with her girlfriend who bring's her a date,and you don't do anything but say ( Oh a double date)! as she walk's out the door. You don't say nothing about what you have in common with her. Or she stay's with you because you have a huge dick and you know how to use it. Or you have more money then God. Take your big dick and leave her.Why do you let her treat you like that. this will tell you where you really stand with her. Go on your face book and post every picture and everything you do together no matter what it is. Send to everyone she know's.Up date your post hourly. See what friend's tell her about as soon as they see it. But block her from your account. You might get the truth about her then. But just be ready. your probably not going to like how she react's to this!

[notbroken]

She likely doesn't want anyone to meet you because she has other boyfriends and she hides them from each other.   The other possibility is because she thinks you somehow 'do not measure up to her' - which is total BS.   

Get someone you are proud of and is proud of you.   Don't put up with this.  You ARE better than that.   Hold your head up high and dump her.   Now.   Seriously.   As an added 'bonus', If she is doing coke she will 'go down the tubes'.   Don't go with her.  

 

[JTSW]

Any updates ser?

Have you woken up to her lies and manipulation?

[usa1ah]

On 2/24/2020 at 4:04 PM, SerPundnes said:

Yeah, there couldn't be any other reason? I asked her about it, and she told me that she don't like to share her private life on social media. But come on, shouldn't people atleast know I exist?

Her friends are part of her private life. She has no problems with sharing them. 

[usa1ah]

You say that you are looking to start a family, can you really see yourself starting one with your girlfriend. 
 

You know the relationship is real when the girl doesn’t treat you like this one has. 

[scooby-philly]

OP,

I will not repeat some of the great advice others gave you already in previous posts. To quickly summarize it though:

 

• This behavior does not even come close to "normal"
• Her actions and words with social media, sharing what her friends "supposedly" think of you, hiding you away, etc. - that's the working of a psychopath or someone with serious psychological issues.
• You deserve better, especially given what you shared about what you want.

 

Now - two questions to start with

1. Did you suffer from abandonment as a child? Or threats of it? (Or did you lose someone (or multiple people) and were not given the space and freedom to grieve?) People often stick around in psychologically bad relationships because the fear of being alone (not being along but "losing someone") outweighs your ability to love yourself and act on what you know deep-down to be true

2. Do you know what you want? In a partner? In a relationship?

 

Answer those questions first - then think about this relationship as a whole and the incidents and events individually. 

 

As to your question about knowing what a "real relationship" looks like. There isn't a single model to compare it to. But...you can compare it to what you want to have. For instance, a lot of people don't want kids. So people who chose to not have kids can't compare their lives or their relationships to those who do. Even then, that's a general and wide viewpoint. There's a ton of factors that go into making a relationship work long-term but generally speaking at 2 years you should be discussing long-term and not still be "hidden away". She's duping you for whatever psychological need she fulfills by being with you. Perhaps because you might the the only "normal" person she can find and hold onto. 

[SerPundnes]

On 3/1/2020 at 10:36 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

What is your definition of a real relationship? 

I guess I don't know .. Well, resepect and trust for starters ..

[SerPundnes]

On 3/5/2020 at 6:50 PM, notbroken said:

She likely doesn't want anyone to meet you because she has other boyfriends and she hides them from each other.   The other possibility is because she thinks you somehow 'do not measure up to her' - which is total BS.   

Get someone you are proud of and is proud of you.   Don't put up with this.  You ARE better than that.   Hold your head up high and dump her.   Now.   Seriously.   As an added 'bonus', If she is doing coke she will 'go down the tubes'.   Don't go with her.  

 

Like, how do someone hide several boyfriends from eachother over two years? I've been quite jealous and have been stalking here and there, but never found anything?

Yes, been thinking about that bonus aswell, hehe ..

[SerPundnes]

On 3/9/2020 at 2:07 PM, JTSW said:

Any updates ser?

Have you woken up to her lies and manipulation?

Well I'm doing what I can to keep my distance from her now ..

One of her friends is a real s*ut, she does swingers stuff and fills her body with silicone, lip fillers etc etc, and my "girlfriend" looks sooo up to her .. This friend is also why she's doing coke now. These two have now ordered tickets for Tomorrowland (rave festival) in July .. There is absolutely no way I can sit still and think about those two there doing drugs and sleeping with anything with a pulse, so I have to get her out of my life ..

[SerPundnes]

On 3/9/2020 at 2:37 PM, usa1ah said:

Her friends are part of her private life. She has no problems with sharing them. 

That is a very good point ..

[SerPundnes]

On 3/9/2020 at 2:42 PM, usa1ah said:

You say that you are looking to start a family, can you really see yourself starting one with your girlfriend. 
 

You know the relationship is real when the girl doesn’t treat you like this one has. 

I really can't see me starting a family with her, and I keep fooling myself and holding on to hope that she will get better. "Maybe if I do this or that" .. But it always ends up right back to the bad days ..

[SerPundnes]

On 3/10/2020 at 8:40 PM, scooby-philly said:

OP,

I will not repeat some of the great advice others gave you already in previous posts. To quickly summarize it though:

 

• This behavior does not even come close to "normal"
• Her actions and words with social media, sharing what her friends "supposedly" think of you, hiding you away, etc. - that's the working of a psychopath or someone with serious psychological issues.
• You deserve better, especially given what you shared about what you want.

 

Now - two questions to start with

1. Did you suffer from abandonment as a child? Or threats of it? (Or did you lose someone (or multiple people) and were not given the space and freedom to grieve?) People often stick around in psychologically bad relationships because the fear of being alone (not being along but "losing someone") outweighs your ability to love yourself and act on what you know deep-down to be true

2. Do you know what you want? In a partner? In a relationship?

 

Answer those questions first - then think about this relationship as a whole and the incidents and events individually. 

 

As to your question about knowing what a "real relationship" looks like. There isn't a single model to compare it to. But...you can compare it to what you want to have. For instance, a lot of people don't want kids. So people who chose to not have kids can't compare their lives or their relationships to those who do. Even then, that's a general and wide viewpoint. There's a ton of factors that go into making a relationship work long-term but generally speaking at 2 years you should be discussing long-term and not still be "hidden away". She's duping you for whatever psychological need she fulfills by being with you. Perhaps because you might the the only "normal" person she can find and hold onto. 

Hey, thanks for your response.

I have never suffered from abandonment, I have a great family really. But I got bullied in middle school. As of today I'm quite handsome, doing well in my job and earning good money. I'm 28 years old and bought a house for 500k+ .. The thing is I think I might buy kind of things to have something to show people and of course girls .. I feel like I'm not enough without "my succes" .. 

I want a partner that I can trust, where I can meet her friends and bond with them, the same with my friends. I want kids sooner or later. I want someone to care about the stuff going on in my life, I don't want all my "relationship-time" to be me being 100% support for my partners problems (wich I am in now) ..

My now "girlfriend":

- I had problems seeling my appartment where I lived before and it took a toll on me and wanted support from my girlfriend, she told me to call my parents and cry about it

- I play instruments, she has never asked to hear me play them

- I am not allowed to listen to my favorite band because she don't like it, if I pick her up with my car, she changes to radio as soon as she gets in. She gets mad if I play it on my stereo at home

- One time she cut herself several times in the arm, and it was my fault because I was stressing her out (hadn't talked to her in days when this happend)

-  One time she lost her phone on the way home from a night out, my fault because I was waiting outside her building waiting for her to get home

- She's comparing me to other dudes, and in the other dudes favor

 

It's crazy the things I accept from her .. She's not even my type .. I'm in some kind of dark spiral where my feelings or depression or whatever has taken controll ..

Edited March 11, 2020 by SerPundnes

[preraph]

Well, the fact you've now revealed she's a cutter just shows she needs to urgently be in therapy.  She's got a lot of problems, the least of which is you.  I think you can do better.  

[Marc878]

I wouldn’t degrade myself with a situation like this.

why are you keeping yourself in this?

[usa1ah]

And you are still with her why!?!?!?!?

[healing light]

Book an appointment with a therapist and navigate with them how to end this relationship if you don't feel you can do it on your own, because this woman is very clearly toxic. You know it, we know it, everyone knows it. She'll beat you down to a shell of yourself. Treat this with the seriousness of the addiction that it is; you're trauma bonded.

[JTSW]

10 hours ago, SerPundnes said:

so I have to get her out of my life ..

I'm surprised you haven't already.

What's stopping you?

[scooby-philly]

16 hours ago, SerPundnes said:

Hey, thanks for your response.

I have never suffered from abandonment, I have a great family really. But I got bullied in middle school. As of today I'm quite handsome, doing well in my job and earning good money. I'm 28 years old and bought a house for 500k+ .. The thing is I think I might buy kind of things to have something to show people and of course girls .. I feel like I'm not enough without "my succes" .. 

I want a partner that I can trust, where I can meet her friends and bond with them, the same with my friends. I want kids sooner or later. I want someone to care about the stuff going on in my life, I don't want all my "relationship-time" to be me being 100% support for my partners problems (wich I am in now) ..

My now "girlfriend":

- I had problems seeling my appartment where I lived before and it took a toll on me and wanted support from my girlfriend, she told me to call my parents and cry about it

- I play instruments, she has never asked to hear me play them

- I am not allowed to listen to my favorite band because she don't like it, if I pick her up with my car, she changes to radio as soon as she gets in. She gets mad if I play it on my stereo at home

- One time she cut herself several times in the arm, and it was my fault because I was stressing her out (hadn't talked to her in days when this happend)

-  One time she lost her phone on the way home from a night out, my fault because I was waiting outside her building waiting for her to get home

- She's comparing me to other dudes, and in the other dudes favor

 

It's crazy the things I accept from her .. She's not even my type .. I'm in some kind of dark spiral where my feelings or depression or whatever has taken controll ..

Hey @SerPundnes - A few observations from my experience in life, dating, and also helping others:

 

1. Abandonment doesn't mean people left you like straight out and never came back for years or never. It can be the threat of abandonment, someone becoming less available (I had a brother who went to boarding school for HS and it was kinda like that. It wouldn't have been a big deal had my parents been comfortable with me expressing emotional needs and expressing negative emotions and/or if they hadn't used threats of abandonment when they fought - so it can vary). But...perhaps that's not your problem. If you didn't receive any positive feedback growing up, if you didn't feel like your parents were proud of you and your accomplishments and/or you grew up with low self-esteem either or both of those combined can lead you to seek success not for the sake of being who are and fulfilling what you're capable of, but to fill that emptiness you feel inside of you constantly. I would suggest, if that was true, some long and deep therapy. Doesn't need to be a quack job, medication, or some new style therapy. Just learn some techniques to improve your self-esteem and find healthier, more fun, and more fulfilling ways to fill that hole.

 

2. You're second point - look - most people want that. Now a lot can't sustain good relationships until they work on themselves. And a lot of people are just messed up to the point where they can never sustain a good relationship. Just keep that in mind. Don't fall in love with a version of a person inside your head. Fall in love with the person who's really in front of you.  And look - relationships are rarely 50-50, though as my buddy @Beachead is fond of saying - relationships, good ones, are really not 50-50. They're 100-100. That's the only way the relationship can stay healthy when one person is down. As for the person taking interest in your life...that's a forgone conclusion in a happy, healthy, emotionally mature and stable relationship. Anyone who isn't interested in you and your life, who doesn't smile when you come home from work, who doesn't become your best friend and who you can be completely yourself and completely transparent around - they're not the "one" for you.

3. As for what you shared about your current gf (who I hope will become your ex-gf very quickly. And to point something out - if you look at my responses as a whole to threads on here, I rarely advocate a position on staying or leaving a relationship unless I believe what the person is sharing is true, as unbiased as it can be expected, and has clear, unmistakable signs that it's not meant to be and not healthy for one or both parties and I'm not being blinded by any residual issues from my own life/relationship)

•  I had problems seeling my appartment where I lived before and it took a toll on me and wanted support from my girlfriend, she told me to call my parents and cry about it

  • Assuming you mean "selling". But even if you meant "sealing", I would say that response was mean, nasty, and self-centered. She's got no empathy for others and I would hazard a guess that if someone she was dating gave that sort of attitude back it would cause WW3. That's red flag number one.

• I play instruments, she has never asked to hear me play them

  • Taken by itself, it would just be odd. Mixed with what you shared about her generally not caring about you and your life, this is red flag number two. Real partners take an interest. Now....maybe she doesn't like music or musicians. But that would be something for you to discuss under normal circumstances. However, in this case, is one of probably many examples of her self-centeredness.

• I am not allowed to listen to my favorite band because she don't like it, if I pick her up with my car, she changes to radio as soon as she gets in. She gets mad if I play it on my stereo at home

  • Red flag #3. I believe there should be a little bit of compatibility in musical taste. Maybe sharing at least a few artists or a genre or two in common. But outside of that - if you're at your house and she complains about your music - and you accommodate her in other ways and at other times - again, it's her self-centeredness and lack of empathy showing.

• One time she cut herself several times in the arm, and it was my fault because I was stressing her out (hadn't talked to her in days when this happened

  • This is red flag #4. And ALONE, ALL BY ITSELF, is enough to walk away IMMEDIATELY. This is a potential psychopath/sociopath or at the very least someone with some very deep seeded psychological issues. You're not there to save her and you're not even there to put up with this behavior. Any time before the "I DO"...even if you're living together...even if you have kids together....threats of or actual acts of self-harm are immediate grounds for breakup. Maybe 1/1,000 times someone can endure this because there are no other psychological issues and eventually the person gets better and stays that way, but my friend, combined with everything else you've shared...RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

• One time she lost her phone on the way home from a night out, my fault because I was waiting outside her building waiting for her to get home

  • Assuming you mean she blamed you. That's red flag #5. And this alone too, to a much lesser extent, warrants immediate discussion and potentially immediate exit. Do not ever, friends, family, and especially with romantic partners, let others blame you for their mistakes or for simple accidents. Sure....we all probably do this to a lesser or greater extent...but I'm guessing there's dozens of other incidents like this and there will be more to come. If you see a pattern of blame develop - even if they're not blaming you but always blaming others.....it's not healthy, mature, nor does it speak to a sense of self-ownership for her life, her choices, her accidents, and her mistakes. Red flag #5.

• She's comparing me to other dudes, and in the other dudes favor

  • This is a psychological trick that manipulators and the aforementioned sociopaths/psychopaths use on unwilling/naive victims (yes my friend, you're naive if you didn't leave because of this (and even more foolish for sticking around with ALL OF THESE ISSUES)) to hook them. To play on your low self-esteem, your lack of a backbone, and your low self-worth. No one wants to be compared to anyone. Romantic relationships - this is a key issue that causes breakups in the first 3 months. And to do it often and to do it where you're being put down - that's how deep seeded her issues are. She doesn't even register that she's doing this, she doesn't even recognize your worth. if you were that bad, why is she with you? Hint...because you keep her around. Try talking down to her and see what happens....lol. Red flag #6. And like #4 is an immediate - out the door you go - flag.

Sorry for the harsh words at times OP, but I try to be honest and when necessary, blunt. Kick this trash to the curb and spend sometime working on yourself, healing, and get some therapy to help yourself moving forward. You sound like a decent guy - learn that and don't tolerate anything less than what you deserve.

Edited March 12, 2020 by scooby-philly
typos.

[crederer]

You need to ask yourself why would her friends have a negative opinion of you if they don't know you? I'll give you a hint; it's because she says a lot of negative things about you

[cosmicdust]

Break up with her before she breaks up with you.