Found out that I was lied to

[agawam25]

I made a horrifying discovery today. I was working on something around the house after work when I came across my gf's hard drive. At first I didn't want to look through it, but then I remembered how a while ago she asked me a rather personal question that she could have known only if she had been through mine (I actually leave mine around the house in the open anyway). So I answered truthfully and that was that, but it felt really silly that she never told me she found out about it from one of my drives, so today I had a thought I should at least pay her back and take a look. It was a really dumb idea. I guess I was curious about her HS photos, she doesn't keep those online and I've only seen one I think. I thought I'd find something funny to mention at random just like she did, a taste of her own medicine I guess.

I discovered that she lied about a couple of important things early on in the relationship: first, she told me she was friends with one of her exes when we met and I remember asking her if they were friends with benefits, to which she said no. Turns out I was right. But this was years ago and she hasn't seen him since way before we started dating, so that one I'm more or less okay with. I never revisited this subject, so maybe so early on she thought I would hold it against her or something.

The other big one was that she told me how she wasn't seeing anyone at the time we met. I always kept telling her how I was okay with it even if she did, because at first we were living in different cities and we only started getting serious after a couple of months. She slept with this guy she was seeing around our first big date. Told me about him to be fair, but also told me she broke up with him months before the actual date on the timeline. She's not in touch with this one at all, so I don't care too much except for the unnecessary lying. 

The third one is tricky. According to her story, she broke up with this guy years ago. Like 2014 I think. I found pieces of their conversations as late as around the time we met about 20 months ago and although it doesn't seem like they were meeting for sex, it's obvious they still had feelings for each other. She stayed friends with him according to her, so this one worries me a lot. She didn't have any conversations or photos with him since we met on the drive. The rest of the stuff is just us.

Should I confront her? I just want the truth. In her defense, she never did anything that made me suspect that she's been cheating on me throughout our time together. She's also very kind and loving and it's not the kind of relationship you come across every day. She's been really good to me so this stings more than it otherwise would. Both of us have moved mountains to live together and we have it good.

If I confront her, should I come clean about how I found out about all this? I don't want her to think that I'm snooping around. I've never touched her stuff until today.

I found other stuff that made me go ugh, but I asked for it, so that's that. That I can handle. The lying I can't.

 

 

[snowboy91]

This is a tricky one. All of these things appear to have been an issue around the time you started dating, which is a time where exclusivity can be somewhat blurry.

The main question you need to ask yourself is how important is it to you, that she was 100% truthful and faithful to you at the initial dating phase, given that you have no reason to suspect anything while you have been together? The most likely scenario is that she's lied to you at the start to try and avoid driving you away. She got you in the end and is no longer in contact with any of these guys, so I get the feeling that discussing this is going to be more trouble than it's worth.

[schlumpy]

The main point that you need to come away with in your investigative work is the understanding of what she is capable of. Having a glimpse of the characteristics that lie dormant until she needs them.

I wouldn't confront her about it but I would crank up the power on my early warning radar.

[agawam25]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

The main point that you need to come away with in your investigative work is the understanding of what she is capable of. Having a glimpse of the characteristics that lie dormant until she needs them.

I wouldn't confront her about it but I would crank up the power on my early warning radar.

I agree, but what troubles me is the idea that I now need to be on the lookout. We had a really chill relationship so far with loads of trust. Ideally if we could talk this through, but I worry that she's not going to come clean that easily if I push. If she wasn't prepared to tell me the truth while knowing there's nothing to worry about, I doubt she's gonna open up under any kind of pressure.

8 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

This is a tricky one. All of these things appear to have been an issue around the time you started dating, which is a time where exclusivity can be somewhat blurry.

The main question you need to ask yourself is how important is it to you, that she was 100% truthful and faithful to you at the initial dating phase, given that you have no reason to suspect anything while you have been together? The most likely scenario is that she's lied to you at the start to try and avoid driving you away. She got you in the end and is no longer in contact with any of these guys, so I get the feeling that discussing this is going to be more trouble than it's worth.

She only told me about the other two later in our relationship. I was clear and honest with her since day one and I always told her that as a general rule I prefer being told the truth and hearing it from her rather than finding out in some other way. Why lie when it's clear we're together and we have a great thing going for us is beyond me. Unless this is some sort of official version of events she is trying to convince herself of. Not good either way. 

8 hours ago, enigma32 said:

Basically, you already caught her lying. That much you know. So, with this in mind, do you think she will actually tell you the truth if you confront her? I don't. 

I don't know about you man, but I have had my fill of dealing with lying women I cannot trust. 

One thing I will say is, if you go snooping, I don't care who you are with, you best be prepared to find things you don't want to see. It always seems to work out this way. I consider myself a private person, and even though I am not hiding any lies from my GF, I still wouldn't want her looking though all my personal business. So, what you did was kinda shady too. Then again, with lying and cheating basically being epidemic levels these days, I can't blame people for being a bit curious.

I was thinking of popping the question soon. Not sure what to do about that at the moment.

[JTSW]

Look, it's in the past, just as you were very first starting out.

None of these are in her life any longer so what good will it do to confront her now?

Maybe she didn't tell you about this third one because she didn't want to rock boat with you.

You have a good relationship.

Don't ruin it by kicking off about something that is not important. 

[agawam25]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

Look, it's in the past, just as you were very first starting out.

None of these are in her life any longer so what good will it do to confront her now?

Maybe she didn't tell you about this third one because she didn't want to rock boat with you.

You have a good relationship.

Don't ruin it by kicking off about something that is not important. 

I'm not sure if it's not important if it's an indicator of possible current or future issues. Between hurting her feelings for a bit - if at all - and making her doubt me in the long run, I'd always choose the first option. 

[agawam25]

Okay so, not to make this a continued issue, but in the meantime, some other discrepancies appeared between these and other stories about her past that I simply cannot explain. I have not revisited her HDD and I didn't look through her stuff. It's just that I realized from her previous stories that she minimized at least one other relationship with a guy I became friends with later, so I'm willing to go with that she didn't want to psych me out. I posted about this before and felt bad for days because he's nasty when he talks about his previous relationships and that got to me (I'm over that by now). She told me that it happened after a night out as friends, but I know for a fact that they met for the exact purpose of getting together (don't ask me how). But I also know that didn't last long, and it's totally inconsequential all of these years later, so why would she would present it differently for no reason is beyond me. Back when she originally told me the two of them hooked up, I even said look, if you had feelings for him at the time or whenever, that's fine too. She could have easily told me she was infatuated, like she was, and that it was a short fling, like it was. She chose not to. She's been sticking to that story since.

The other day we talked about her ex from this post (the one I know she was FWBs with) and she told me his current gf hates her. She brought up the subject, not me, by the way. So we had a chat about why she'd hate her and she stuck to her original story about how they broke up a long time ago and they were just friends. I even told her once more that it didn't bother me if they hooked up or were FWBs later on because it's quite a few years ago but she stuck to her story (let me remind you that I know that's not true for a fact). I mean, I was laughing about it, it was a normal conversation, she had a clear opportunity and she didn't take it. She seems to be over every single ex, she says she's crazy about me, so why not just trust me when I tell her openly I don't care and I can handle it?

Now there are two gaping holes in her story (she claims she told me everything about her past, btw). One is regarding a trip she took that doesn't fit anywhere on the known timeline of her relationships, and the other one is related to a friend of a friend I instinctively knew didn't like me when we met a while ago. I hate feeling lied to, I want to talk to her about it, and I'm looking for a way to do that without making a mess out of it. It's not that I need a clear picture of her past. Couldn't care less about what's in the past. It's just that I need to know she's not someone who lies constantly, because that will eventually erode our trust because I'll start thinking she's hiding something from me and looking for proof whenever I notice her story doesn't match up with the facts.

We are all tell white lies here and there to let someone save face or not to have their egos bruised, but these are really inconsequential matters that would not have hurt me if she had told me openly. I didn't even go that far to minimize anything about myself: I told her things about my previous relationships (she would ask) openly and truthfully to the best of my ability so far. I just don't get it. Is she trying to keep up with my honesty, but simply can't get herself to admit these things? If so, and if she thinks I can't handle the truth because for example she can't, how come she never got hung up over any of my stories about past relationships that she eagerly asked me to share?

Edited February 28, 2020 by agawam25

[kendahke]

Are you just coming up wiht reasons to end things with her because she invaded your privacy first?

Quote

We are all tell white lies here and there

speak for yourself--I don't tell people white lies--because they are lies.  I tell them the truth tactfully.

[d0nnivain]

On 2/25/2020 at 6:12 AM, agawam25 said:

I was thinking of popping the question soon. Not sure what to do about that at the moment.

Do not ask her to marry you.  YOU are no where near ready to get married.  You are hung up on stuff she did 6+ years ago before she met you.  You still have a tit for tat mentality -- she snooped so you thought payback was OK.  She may have some issues with telling the whole truth; I am not discounting that but the idea that you are now testing her tells me that there is some reason you are looking to sabotage this relationship.   Do not get married. 

Perhaps have some very long deep talks about boundaries -- neither of you have any -- and truthfulness.  Then decide if you trust each other.  The behaviors & suspicions you posted about indicate to me that neither of you trust the other one.  

[FMW]

I was going to say that maybe she sees her past relationships as something of no relevance to your relationship and just doesn't want to unnecessarily cause problems (you telling her that you "don't care" doesn't mean she thinks that's true).  BUT the fact that she brought up her ex's girlfriend hating her, and then repeated the lie about the extent of their involvement is bothersome.  Not because she's not "over" him, but because it indicates she likes the attention - having another woman "hate" her means that woman is probably jealous and it's an ego boost for your girlfriend.  Liking that kind of attention can be a problem for your relationship.

You said you had "loads of trust", but honestly if you're both checking out each other's personal devices on the sly, that's not just idle curiosity.  Just something to think about.

[smackie9]

IMO before you became "official or were just dating, whatever she was doing or seeing was none of your business, ... she just chose not to tell you. It's not uncommon for people to be weighing their options or multi dating before being "official" with someone. If your relationship is great, then keep it that way and keep your mouth shut. What, so you are going to admit you invaded her privacy with the justification of "to give her a taste of her own medicine", and then confront her about stuff that has no real baring on your relaitonship now? are you willing to risk ending this relaitonship?

Edited February 29, 2020 by smackie9

[Gaeta]

She owes you nothing. This all happened before you. She gave you general information when you met as the details aren't your business to start with. 

We know men don't want to know who their gf slept with before them. She's smart she kept her story private,  not private enough if you ask me. 

Make a decision. Do you want a relationship with her and be happy or you want to be right? Cause the way I see it you'll be right and very single. 

[elaine567]

Forget it, you have ruined it all.
You went snooping and found her past and it is not a past you like.
Men who go snooping into the pasts of their gfs, always find something they don't like.
You are now testing her and you will never be satisfied with her answers
Doubt will always haunt you.
Like so many people do, she polished up her past so she didn't rock any boats with you, and she presented a better version of herself at the same time.
She lied and you will never trust her again.
If you confront her, it will never be the same again.
End it asap, as that is where it is now headed. 

Trouble is that finding someone who never ever tries to ,cover up some aspect of their past with fudges and half truths and who lies by omission, is I would say well nigh impossible. 
I learned fairly early on  to never delve into the past as very rarely does it bring up anything good.
You are better to assess the person you have in front of you If they continually lie then you bin them, but if they are honest and consistent then you need to accept that and not go deliberately looking for reasons to ruin it.

[Watercolors]

agawam25 well you've opened a can of worms now and you have a choice: leave it alone and marry your girlfriend, or admit to her that you snooped on her hard drive because you had doubts about her since you first met. Are you the type who gets jealous easily? Who needs to control who your girlfriend sees and speaks to all the time? 

As someone else here pointed out, it seems like you are creating a file on your girlfriend so you can give her an ultimatum. Is that what you are doing? Looking for excuses you can use -- such as her past before she met you -- so that you can break up with her? 

Either way, you seem like a list-keeper, or score-keeper type of boyfriend so that you can control your girlfriend emotionally. Like, if she doesn't come clean about her dating life that happened *before* she met you, you will hold that against her forever, which is, sad to say, the work of emotional manipulation. 

What do you want from this woman? From this relationship? 

Edited March 1, 2020 by Watercolors

[agawam25]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

agawam25 well you've opened a can of worms now and you have a choice: leave it alone and marry your girlfriend, or admit to her that you snooped on her hard drive because you had doubts about her since you first met. Are you the type who gets jealous easily? Who needs to control who your girlfriend sees and speaks to all the time? 

As someone else here pointed out, it seems like you are creating a file on your girlfriend so you can give her an ultimatum. Is that what you are doing? Looking for excuses you can use -- such as her past before she met you -- so that you can break up with her? 

What do you want from this woman? From this relationship? 

No. I've literally never done any of the things you mentioned. I have always been very supportive of her having her own life, friends, etc. I have never, ever touched her phone or cared to check who she messaged. Even when she'd accidentally show me her phone or it even seemed that I glanced at her phone, I'd apologize for any possible intrusion every single time. I have never acted controlling in any of my previous relationships, either. Not to mention that I find jealousy to be as unncessary as it is wrong. You got me all wrong, pal. 

I am not looking for excuses or preparing any lists either. Why would I want to break up with her? Who would break up with someone they love over their past, guys? 

All of you who came here to criticize me for snooping, I get it, I did something wrong. I'm not perfect and I don't see how you can be so critical of someone on this forum who in the grand scheme of things did something dumb, but not malicious in any way. And of course I had an emotional reaction there for a little while. You wouldn't? Give me a break.

Again, whoever said I am preparing the grounds to break up with her doesn't get it at all. I am not driven by some petty retroactive jealousy bs. I just want to know whether I'm in love with someone who embellished her story to appear better in my eyes than she was (understandable and normal, although there was absolutely no need for that), or someone with a much bigger problem with being truthful. That's all.

[Watercolors]

Ok but you wrote in your OP that you just happened to come across her hard drive. What were you doing that accidentally caused you to open her hard drive. No one leaves their hard drive open. Sorry but that’s not possible. You literally went snooping around on her computer files intentionally. You didn’t snoop by accident. C’mon. 

Edited March 1, 2020 by Watercolors

[Watercolors]

On 2/24/2020 at 7:45 PM, agawam25 said:

made a horrifying discovery today. I was working on something around the house after work when I came across my gf's hard drive

You only made the discovery after you went looking for it. No one just accidentally comes across a hard drive of files. 

[agawam25]

15 hours ago, Watercolors said:

You only made the discovery after you went looking for it. No one just accidentally comes across a hard drive of files. 

I was quite clear about how I found it. I wasn't intentionally looking for it. Again, you can be on my case all you want. It doesn't answer my question. Thanks for your input. 

[JTSW]

On 3/1/2020 at 2:00 AM, agawam25 said:

I have never, ever touched her phone or cared to check who she messaged. Even when she'd accidentally show me her phone or it even seemed that I glanced at her phone, I'd apologize for any possible intrusion every single time. I have never acted controlling in any of my previous relationships, either. Not to mention that I find jealousy to be as unncessary as it is wrong. You got me all wrong, pal. 

But you went through her hard drive.

HER personal property.

Watercolours has got you spot on.

Whatever way you want to look at it, you invaded her privacy, period!

I agree with others when they say her past is not your business.

You need to let this obsession go.

 

[usa1ah]

It is never good to start a future on a bunch of lies. 
 

People can get off their high horse as well. 
 

I would plan to have a talk about the lies. Get everything out into the open with her. Explain who and why you went through her hard drive. That you know she went through yours. Talk it out and express how you feel about being lied to. 
 

The last thing is this. If she lies so easily about things that don’t matter, she won’t have a problem about lying about the big things that might happen. 

[smackie9]

You said and I quote " I should at least pay her back and take a look". and "just like she did, a taste of her own medicine" That is what we would call malicious. But what is done is done.

You know she's not a habitual liar. You and her really didn't know each other that well back then, and by inquiring about her past, you probably put her on the spot about things she didn't really want to divulge to you. People are just that way. She didn't know how you would react. Oh sure people will say "You can tell me anything". Most of that is bs. And there is proof on that hard drive that all communication with other guys, etc had all stopped when you two became official. Doesn't that warrant her a pass? I arrest my case.

Edited March 2, 2020 by smackie9

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You said and I quote " I should at least pay her back and take a look". and "just like she did, a taste of her own medicine" That is what we would call malicious. But what is done is done.

Exactly, OP. You can't claim to me that you just stumbled across your girlfriend's hard drive by accident, when you literally wrote the above quoted text in you post about your intentions! You snooped through her hard drive intentionally looking for information, b/c you were mad that your girlfriend supposedly snooped through your electronic files. 

On 2/29/2020 at 8:00 PM, agawam25 said:

I am not driven by some petty retroactive jealousy bs.

I'd say that you are. No one snoops on their relationship partner unless they suspect that their partner is lying to them about something. 

You really owe it to your girlfriend to come clean with her now. You've snooped. She's snooped. Now what?  What do you want from her and from this relationship? You can't hold her dating past against her. If you do, then you are very controlling. 

I don't think you two should be with each other. You don't seem compatible if you two are going behind each other's backs to snoop on your cellphones and computer hard drives. 

[agawam25]

21 hours ago, JTSW said:

But you went through her hard drive.

HER personal property.

Watercolours has got you spot on.

Whatever way you want to look at it, you invaded her privacy, period!

I agree with others when they say her past is not your business.

You need to let this obsession go.

 

I am not obsessed with her past, God. I couldn't care less. How many times do I have to repeat: I don't have an issue with her past, I have questions about the fact that she lied about it.

And I never put her on the spot about any part of her past. We had open conversations about our past before where she'd volunteer the info. It's a conversation, guys, of course questions get asked. But I only really cared about how she felt about all of that anyway. The details of what she did or didn't do? What difference does it make? The contents of her HDD? I. Don't. Care. I told you I knew or had a good hunch she had something with at least two men she told me were her friends. I never said a single word about it until she volunteered the rest.

I care that she bothered to lie, only in the context of whether it's a sign of a character flaw or not. So she made herself look better? Big deal. I'm sorry that she felt she needed to. But if she lied because it's a part of who she is, then it's a problem.

[agawam25]

...

Edited March 3, 2020 by agawam25

[agawam25]

21 hours ago, usa1ah said:

It is never good to start a future on a bunch of lies. 
 

People can get off their high horse as well. 

 

The last thing is this. If she lies so easily about things that don’t matter, she won’t have a problem about lying about the big things that might happen. 

This is my entire point. Thanks.