Found out that I was lied to

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, agawam25 said:

I don't have an issue with her past, I have questions about the fact that she lied about it.

 

2 minutes ago, agawam25 said:

I care that she bothered to lie, only in the context of whether it's a sign of a character flaw or not.

It's not a character flaw.

She has been open and honest about her past.

She omitted information about this one because maybe it wasn't worth discussing.

Or she didn't want you to overreact like you are doing.

I think you need to get a grip and get over it.

She hasn't seen him or anyone since you met so it has no relevance.

You are making way too much out of this, and yes, you are coming across obsessive.  

[oldtruck]

women minimize their past to prevent retroactive jealousy.

you call it lying, some call it lying by omission. she filtered the truth because she

knows that men cannot handle bedroom truth.

 

it is evident that you cannot handle knowing what she did between the sheets.

you looked, the result is you cannot handle what you learnt. there is no reason

to ask a woman's number and other stuff.

[agawam25]

6 hours ago, JTSW said:

Or she didn't want you to overreact like you are doing.

I think you need to get a grip and get over it.

You are making way too much out of this, and yes, you are coming across obsessive.  

I am really not over-reacting. I have not acted distant, upset, I haven't been passive-aggressive about it, asked any annoying or insecure questions, you name it. The only anxiety I've had over this has been internal, and only about existing and future trust between us, not about her past. I'm sorry that some of you don't like it, but it's how I feel.

My guess is that all of you are here because there are or were feelings you couldn't deal with or didn't know how to deal with properly. The fact that I'm looking for answers points to the fact that I know that this is my own problem first and foremost. So please, stop beating a dead horse if you can't help me deal with this.

[assertives]

16 hours ago, agawam25 said:

This is my entire point. Thanks.

Ok so, you have made up your mind that this is your stance, and your baseline and you are defensive and frankly abrasive to everyone else who have a different opinion to you on that here. 

So, take your guiding principle and talk to your girlfriend about it? Since it actually matters/bothers you enough that you remember each incident and keep track of it, so it's clear it's not ok to you and you cannot let it go. If she thinks like the rest of us here, then you have your answer. You and her have different principles and viewpoints on this or in general which you cannot accept/reconcile with just like you cannot accept/reconcile with what people are telling you on here. Then you and her probably are not compatible as life partners.

Edited March 4, 2020 by assertives

[JTSW]

14 hours ago, agawam25 said:

My guess is that all of you are here because there are or were feelings you couldn't deal with or didn't know how to deal with properly.

Not all. Many are here to help.

14 hours ago, agawam25 said:

I am really not over-reacting.

You are because you really have nothing to worry about.

You're flipping out over nothing.

5 hours ago, assertives said:

you are defensive and frankly abrasive to everyone else who have a different opinion to you on that here. 

Agreed.

[usa1ah]

10 hours ago, JTSW said:

Not all. Many are here to help.

You are because you really have nothing to worry about.

You're flipping out over nothing.

Agreed.

So it is perfectly fine to lie to your SO?

 

 

[usa1ah]

Most of what I have read on this thread is people telling the OP to get over it, women lie all the time and just suck it up Buttercup. 
 

lying about things in a relationship kills the relationship in the long run. Because the person being lied to losers the trust vital for the relationship to continue. 
 

If OP’s girlfriend will lie about thing of no consequence then she Will lie on the bigger things. Like cheating 

[JTSW]

54 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

So it is perfectly fine to lie to your SO?

 

 

I didn't say that. 

This guy was before him so it isn't relevant. 

 

[usa1ah]

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

I didn't say that. 

This guy was before him so it isn't relevant. 

 

She should have kept her mouth shut about her past. She didn’t, she lied about her relationships.  Either be honest and don’t say anything if you don’t think you SO needs that info. 
 

The previous relationship isn’t the issue, it’s the lying about it when she offered the information. 

Edited March 5, 2020 by usa1ah

[kendahke]

If you can't handle a liar, don't be with one. Simple enough.

Nothing is going to make the earth spin backwards to the moment before she told you she and this friend weren't fwb's, so all the rest of this is a waste of energy trying to relitigate the past.

Bounce.

[usa1ah]

He is trying to find away past the lying I believe. Not the fact that the guy was a fwb. 

The lying isn’t in the past.

 

Edited March 5, 2020 by usa1ah

[JTSW]

7 hours ago, usa1ah said:

Either be honest and don’t say anything if you don’t think you SO needs that info. 
 

The previous relationship isn’t the issue, it’s the lying about it when she offered the information. 

What are you talking about?

She didn't lie.

She was completely open and honest about her past relationships.

She was still friendly with the third one when she met the OP but he didn't know that.

Contact stopped once she and OP were together so i don't understand OP's problem here.

He's the only one who matters to her. He's the one she loves, no-one else.

People don't have to divulge every detail of their past relationships to their significant other. 

[usa1ah]

9 hours ago, JTSW said:

What are you talking about?

She didn't lie.

She was completely open and honest about her past relationships.

She was still friendly with the third one when she met the OP but he didn't know that.

Contact stopped once she and OP were together so i don't understand OP's problem here.

He's the only one who matters to her. He's the one she loves, no-one else.

People don't have to divulge every detail of their past relationships to their significant other. 

I discovered that she lied about a couple of important things early on in the relationship:

 

yes she did lie. 

[usa1ah]

On 3/3/2020 at 7:03 AM, JTSW said:

 

It's not a character flaw.

She has been open and honest about her past.

She omitted information about this one because maybe it wasn't worth discussing.

Or she didn't want you to overreact like you are doing.

I think you need to get a grip and get over it.

She hasn't seen him or anyone since you met so it has no relevance.

You are making way too much out of this, and yes, you are coming across obsessive.  

Lying is a character flaw. 
 

She has not been open and honest as well. 

Edited March 5, 2020 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

When they first started dating he asked if she was see anyone else, she told him no. In fact she was and actually had sex with the other guy right before their first big date. 
 

It would have been nice to know if he had to worry about a possible std. Something people need to stay on top of when they are with multiple partners or dating someone that is. 

[Watercolors]

9 hours ago, JTSW said:

People don't have to divulge every detail of their past relationships to their significant other. 

OP, this ^^^ is the fact that you refuse to get over. No one in the history of dating provides their current significant other with a dossier that outlines every single sexual encounter and person they dated prior. That is what your thread seems to be about. You are obsessed with your girlfriend's past dating partners. Instead of focusing on your present and the good things you have with your girlfriend, you seem hellbent on destroying this relationship due to your own insecurities. Your girlfriend didn't lie to you about her past. She doesn't owe you anything. You are intent on controlling her or you wouldn't be on this crusade to build evidence against her to confront her with about her dating past. 

[usa1ah]

24 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

OP, this ^^^ is the fact that you refuse to get over. No one in the history of dating provides their current significant other with a dossier that outlines every single sexual encounter and person they dated prior. That is what your thread seems to be about. You are obsessed with your girlfriend's past dating partners. Instead of focusing on your present and the good things you have with your girlfriend, you seem hellbent on destroying this relationship due to your own insecurities. Your girlfriend didn't lie to you about her past. She doesn't owe you anything. You are intent on controlling her or you wouldn't be on this crusade to build evidence against her to confront her with about her dating past. 

[usa1ah]

When we some people actually read what op has posted. 
 

He can care less about her previous relationships. 
 

He has a problem being lied to like most people do. The fact that it is his girlfriend makes the matter worse. 
 

When they first met he asked if she was see anyone else at the time. He really had the right to know this. She said no when she really was seeing someone else. She had sex with the other guy while their relationship started up. Then she ended things with the other guy when they became exclusive. 
 

The simple truth is she LIED. 
 

So if you can’t understand this stop trying to tell the OP what he really thinks. I am sure he can figure that out on his own. 
 

This isn’t some RJ issue. The issue is his girlfriend lied about dating him and another guy at the same time. Which he said it’s ok that she did, he is just upset that she couldn’t be honest about it. 

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, usa1ah said:

When they first met he asked if she was see anyone else at the time. He really had the right to know this. She said no when she really was seeing someone else. She had sex with the other guy while their relationship started up. Then she ended things with the other guy when they became exclusive. 

This doesn't warrant the OP's snooping on her computer hard drive. While the OP was just getting to know his girlfriend, she was still dating someone else. So what? That's her right. She doesn't owe the OP anything and the fact the he thinks he is entitled to know the details of her past relationships, makes the OP come across as very obsessive and controlling to me anyway. 

[usa1ah]

2 hours ago, Watercolors said:

This doesn't warrant the OP's snooping on her computer hard drive. While the OP was just getting to know his girlfriend, she was still dating someone else. So what? That's her right. She doesn't owe the OP anything and the fact the he thinks he is entitled to know the details of her past relationships, makes the OP come across as very obsessive and controlling to me anyway. 

It was a relationship she was in when they started to date. So if her and the other guy she was date were exclusive, she was cheating on him with OP. 
 

They BOTH snooped each other’s info. 
 

if you can’t understand this then we can just agree to disagree. 
 

She should have been honest when they started dating that she was dating someone else as well. This WAS info OP should have had especially sense she was having sex with both of them. 
 

[oldtruck]

I missed the point that she lied when asked if she was dating someone else.

if they went exclusive right away and she stopped seeing the other BF then

then the only thing that concerns the OP is can he trust her moving forward.

What has the GF done to repair the broken trust?

is the GF aware that the OP has trust issues?

 

however there is no reason for the OP to research her past relationships. the OP

knowing who she banged and how they banged and how many times they banged

is none of his business.

 

either they work through the trust issues or they break up.

Edited March 6, 2020 by oldtruck

[usa1ah]

From what I understand is that OP’s girlfriend said something/joked about something that she could only have found out about by going through his hard drive. He leaves it laying out he didn’t care one way or the other. Then one day he found hers and thought to find something to turn the tables on her joke wise. Instead he found out that she had lied to him about things he really did care about and said so at the start of their relationship. One of them being if she was see anyone when they started seeing each other. She told him no. She actually was seeing someone and from what it looks like might have been having sex with both. OP actually told her he was ok if she was seeing someone else because it was a long distance relationship when it started. So why lie about it. 
 

OP is questioning things because of the lying about it. I can understand someone wanting to know just to take extra care not to catch something. We tell people all the time that get cheated on to get tested for std’s. It’s good to know if the person you are with is sleeping with others as well. 

Edited March 6, 2020 by usa1ah

[JTSW]

13 hours ago, usa1ah said:

I discovered that she lied about a couple of important things early on in the relationship:

yes she did lie. 

She didn't lie. The OP is obsessed with her past relationships.

13 hours ago, usa1ah said:

She has not been open and honest as well. 

She has been open and honest. 

She obviously just didn't want to divulge every detail about the last one, and she doesn't have to. 

She and the OP weren't exclusive when she last saw the third one so the OP is completely blowing it all out of proportion.

What she did before their relationship is irrelevant to their relationship now. 

[usa1ah]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

She didn't lie. The OP is obsessed with her past relationships.

She has been open and honest. 

She obviously just didn't want to divulge every detail about the last one, and she doesn't have to. 

She and the OP weren't exclusive when she last saw the third one so the OP is completely blowing it all out of proportion.

What she did before their relationship is irrelevant to their relationship now. 

Why are you arguing a point of view that the OP even says is not true?

 

OP asked if she was seeing someone, she lied and said NO. 
 

OP said if she was that he was ok if she was seeing someone because they were not exclusive yet. How in the hell is that  RJ or obsessing over her past relationships?

 

OP is just trying to figure out why she has to lie about everything. Then here you are saying it’s his problem not hers.

[oldtruck]

10 hours ago, usa1ah said:

From what I understand is that OP’s girlfriend said something/joked about something that she could only have found out about by going through his hard drive. He leaves it laying out he didn’t care one way or the other. Then one day he found hers and thought to find something to turn the tables on her joke wise. Instead he found out that she had lied to him about things he really did care about and said so at the start of their relationship. One of them being if she was see anyone when they started seeing each other. She told him no. She actually was seeing someone and from what it looks like might have been having sex with both. OP actually told her he was ok if she was seeing someone else because it was a long distance relationship when it started. So why lie about it. 
 

OP is questioning things because of the lying about it. I can understand someone wanting to know just to take extra care not to catch something. We tell people all the time that get cheated on to get tested for std’s. It’s good to know if the person you are with is sleeping with others as well. 

women know that men suffer from retroactive jealousy, that is why.