Found out that I was lied to

[usa1ah]

8 minutes ago, oldtruck said:

women know that men suffer from retroactive jealousy, that is why.

So that is why they all automatically assume that is what every problem men have in a relationship reverts back to. 

[agawam25]

6 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

Why are you arguing a point of view that the OP even says is not true?

 

OP asked if she was seeing someone, she lied and said NO. 
 

OP said if she was that he was ok if she was seeing someone because they were not exclusive yet. How in the hell is that  RJ or obsessing over her past relationships?

 

OP is just trying to figure out why she has to lie about everything. Then here you are saying it’s his problem not hers.

Thanks for actually reading what I wrote. No, I don't care about her past or her past relationships. And let me be perfectly clear about how it all went down. We met and had one date, then didn't see each other for about a month and a half when we finally met again and became exclusive. Later on she told me that she had a brief relationship months before we met, but that it had ended almost a month before our first date. It turned out that she was actively seeing him for much longer, including during the period between our first date and our second date, or rather becoming exclusive. From what I know now, she most likely ended it right before our second date or immediately after. So all throughout that period of courtship if you will she was seeing him. Back then when we talked about this she told me she was 100% single and even though I said (on several occasions actually, early on) look, I know these things are complicated, we met out of the blue, I'd understand if you're seeing someone, she was adamant that wasn't the case. But the whole thing about her seeing someone else doesn't bother me at all even now. She chose to end what was an unimportant throwaway relationship and be with me and build a good, healthy, long-term relationship instead. She chose me and that's that. She didn't feel like poisoning the well so early in the relationship by telling me about that. It's all fine. All the power to her. I'm grateful it was me. End of story.

The relationship she was in wasn't even that to be frank. From what I understand they were meeting for sex, although originally she might have had feelings for him but then she became disillusioned with him quite quickly (details of which I can't divulge). So she didn't cheat on someone she was basically FWBs with, maybe little more than that. He definitely had no expectations from her or that relationship, that is 100% certain. So he was just having fun, and she was enjoying the attention and the sense of something happening in her life. I also understand that she was lost at the time (out of a very dramatic and destructive relationship that really hurt her deeply), and all of this is what adds up to the fact that I have no qualms regarding why she didn't tell me about it early on. Sometimes you end up having these flings on a whim in order to make yourself feel better, regain lost power, feed the ego, whatever. Been there, done that myself. 

Saying how I'm making a big deal out of it completely misses the point. I don't care, and if anything, I totally get her. If I were to dig deep into our beginnings, it took me lots of patience, kindness and understanding at first to break through to her, because she was very disillusioned with men and relationships and was very cautious with me at first. She feared getting into another serious relationship because the last one was so dreadful, and I knew that without her even telling me what was up. Here's a guy you really feel a strong connection to, he seems like a great match and ticks all the boxes of wow, this could be the relationship of my life. It makes sense that she would spend some time deliberating whether she was ready to dive in and possibly get disappointed and hurt again, or would she rather just continue seeing random men here and there who can't really hurt her because they don't mean much to begin with. So I already had a sense that she might have had these flings, thus me making sure she knows I understand and telling her explicitly that I wouldn't be bothered if she had a thing with someone at the same time. If I wasn't bothered then, and if I understood her then, why do you think I'd be bothered now?

So please, try to understand that some of you are way off in your comments - to the point of being insulting - on how I'm trying to ruin it, looking for reasons to end it, etc. Don't make this about my alleged bruised ego somehow. I'm not angry. I'm not obsessed. I don't have the time for that. My problem is that when she eventually told me about him sometime mid-relationship (we move in the same circles and maybe she thought I'd eventually run into him or something, or things would've been awkward once he found out who I was with, dunno), she resorted to watering down the story by telling me how it was over before we met, whereas in fact it was not. I think it's obvious I'm the kind of person you can be honest with without any reservations. The problem lies only in the fact that she'd rather construct this story about how she was all alone and ready to date when in fact things were messier than that. And I get the messiness of life, come on. She didn't need to make herself look "better" in my eyes, especially not after we have been together for a while and we already knew each other so well, yet she chose to do so.

My entire question stems from why she felt the need not to be completely honest, and what it says about any future situation in which I might actually have to know about something and she'd obfuscate it instead. It messes with your sense of how well you think you know someone, especially the partner you see yourself with for good. That to me is the only issue, not her past. I hope it's absolutely clear now. 

[oldtruck]

11 hours ago, agawam25 said:

Thanks for actually reading what I wrote. No, I don't care about her past or her past relationships. And let me be perfectly clear about how it all went down. We met and had one date, then didn't see each other for about a month and a half when we finally met again and became exclusive. Later on she told me that she had a brief relationship months before we met, but that it had ended almost a month before our first date. It turned out that she was actively seeing him for much longer, including during the period between our first date and our second date, or rather becoming exclusive. From what I know now, she most likely ended it right before our second date or immediately after. So all throughout that period of courtship if you will she was seeing him. Back then when we talked about this she told me she was 100% single and even though I said (on several occasions actually, early on) look, I know these things are complicated, we met out of the blue, I'd understand if you're seeing someone, she was adamant that wasn't the case. But the whole thing about her seeing someone else doesn't bother me at all even now. She chose to end what was an unimportant throwaway relationship and be with me and build a good, healthy, long-term relationship instead. She chose me and that's that. She didn't feel like poisoning the well so early in the relationship by telling me about that. It's all fine. All the power to her. I'm grateful it was me. End of story.

The relationship she was in wasn't even that to be frank. From what I understand they were meeting for sex, although originally she might have had feelings for him but then she became disillusioned with him quite quickly (details of which I can't divulge). So she didn't cheat on someone she was basically FWBs with, maybe little more than that. He definitely had no expectations from her or that relationship, that is 100% certain. So he was just having fun, and she was enjoying the attention and the sense of something happening in her life. I also understand that she was lost at the time (out of a very dramatic and destructive relationship that really hurt her deeply), and all of this is what adds up to the fact that I have no qualms regarding why she didn't tell me about it early on. Sometimes you end up having these flings on a whim in order to make yourself feel better, regain lost power, feed the ego, whatever. Been there, done that myself. 

Saying how I'm making a big deal out of it completely misses the point. I don't care, and if anything, I totally get her. If I were to dig deep into our beginnings, it took me lots of patience, kindness and understanding at first to break through to her, because she was very disillusioned with men and relationships and was very cautious with me at first. She feared getting into another serious relationship because the last one was so dreadful, and I knew that without her even telling me what was up. Here's a guy you really feel a strong connection to, he seems like a great match and ticks all the boxes of wow, this could be the relationship of my life. It makes sense that she would spend some time deliberating whether she was ready to dive in and possibly get disappointed and hurt again, or would she rather just continue seeing random men here and there who can't really hurt her because they don't mean much to begin with. So I already had a sense that she might have had these flings, thus me making sure she knows I understand and telling her explicitly that I wouldn't be bothered if she had a thing with someone at the same time. If I wasn't bothered then, and if I understood her then, why do you think I'd be bothered now?

So please, try to understand that some of you are way off in your comments - to the point of being insulting - on how I'm trying to ruin it, looking for reasons to end it, etc. Don't make this about my alleged bruised ego somehow. I'm not angry. I'm not obsessed. I don't have the time for that. My problem is that when she eventually told me about him sometime mid-relationship (we move in the same circles and maybe she thought I'd eventually run into him or something, or things would've been awkward once he found out who I was with, dunno), she resorted to watering down the story by telling me how it was over before we met, whereas in fact it was not. I think it's obvious I'm the kind of person you can be honest with without any reservations. The problem lies only in the fact that she'd rather construct this story about how she was all alone and ready to date when in fact things were messier than that. And I get the messiness of life, come on. She didn't need to make herself look "better" in my eyes, especially not after we have been together for a while and we already knew each other so well, yet she chose to do so.

My entire question stems from why she felt the need not to be completely honest, and what it says about any future situation in which I might actually have to know about something and she'd obfuscate it instead. It messes with your sense of how well you think you know someone, especially the partner you see yourself with for good. That to me is the only issue, not her past. I hope it's absolutely clear now. 

all this fuss about nothing.

 

it seems you will only be happy with a virgin that never dated.

 

you cannot see the forest because of the trees. she was preventing retroactive jealousy.

you can deny all you want, but you constantly picking and picking, not letting go shows

us that your GF was correct to do what she did. Stop it.

[OatsAndHall]

You have a quality relationship that's lasted almost two years and she cut ties with these other guys when she became exclusive with you. I would just close up Pandora's Box and move forward. I wouldn't be happy with some of the "whitewashing" but I also wouldn't risk a good relationship over it either.

[Marc878]

Dating is a tryout. Nothing wrong with finding out who they are. Better than getting hit with it later. Then you have real problems getting out.

People change, etc, etc, etc. From what I’ve  seen. Not for the most part.

 

Edited March 8, 2020 by Marc878

[basil67]

On 3/6/2020 at 11:49 PM, agawam25 said:

My entire question stems from why she felt the need not to be completely honest, and what it says about any future situation in which I might actually have to know about something and she'd obfuscate it instead. It messes with your sense of how well you think you know someone, especially the partner you see yourself with for good. That to me is the only issue, not her past. I hope it's absolutely clear now. 

The reason women are not always entirely honest about their background is because of the judgement which we hear flying around since we were young teenagers.  You know the words.  And those words get used by men and women alike to judge and belittle other women.   Of course, you don't have first hand experience because you're a man, so you'll have to imagine...but it's very unpleasant.

As for whether she'll be honest in the future - well that depends entirely on whether she's seen you display a judgemental/vengeful side about others.  If she sees you as a kind, understanding and broadminded person she will very likely be honest because she'll know that honesty will not be used against her.  

That's it.  Begin and end of why she did it and will she do it again.

Edited March 8, 2020 by basil67

[smackie9]

He doesn't give a damn about her past, it's the fact she lied. I beg to differ...it's the content itself.

So if she lied about liking chocolate ice cream because he likes it, and possibly about other foods, would he be here making a thread about it? I doubt it.

[littleblackheart]

She doesn't want another jealous, controlling bf so she's not entirely honest with you for fear of the past repeating itself. You seem to be suffering from some form of anxiety-induced paranoia (either you're projecting or you've suffered a trauma) from being lied to in your past. 

 

So basically, you are fuelling each other's trigger points, it seems, by communicating your respective fears in a way that repeats the very patterns you are trying to avoid.

 

There is a way around this, if you really care for each other. It will involve learning to communicate with each other respectfully, genuinely listen to each other, and moving on from past hurt (both of you). This means you need to be proactive in seeking a positive outcome (through counselling, maybe?) instead of rehashing the same thing over and again.

 

It could also just be that you are both trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, and simply are a mismatch / not what each other needs at this point. In which case, stop harming each other and walk away.

 

There is no point in persisting in this relationship if you're constantly waiting for the other to trip, imo.

Edited March 9, 2020 by littleblackheart

[lolablue17]

In a relationship when something bothers one side, it becomes an issue. So don't listen to all those who are trying to lecture you what you should feel, and what you shouldn't. 

So the lies bother you very much, and it is the right (and only option to my opinion) thing to do is to open it and discuss it with her. She will probably have some answers for you. Do it, don't let it eat you from inside.