GF begging me to forgive her after lying/cheating

[High Voltage]

I met this girl 9 months ago. we made it clear from the beginning that we both want something serious and no hook up. It was a chance for me to heal ( never had a serious relationship or never took a relation seriously ) when i met her, promised myself to never hurt her and to be honest with her about everything. The first weeks went great and she used to recall me how she wants me and be with me. She used to recall me that she can't handle being with numerous guys at the same time and if she is with me, that means she is exclusively with me. i started to build trust and before breaking up with her, I NEVER HAD ANY DOUBTS about her. I used to see her as a trustful partner. Despite the few episodes when i had to deal with her behavior, everything was OKAY

She presented me to her family ( sister and her sister's husband family ) she presented me to LOTS of her friends, really a lot. She has many male friends and ex co-workers that presented to me as her "future husband" since things were serious between us. 

I made efforts to make things work, i made compromises. being an introvert, it was hard for me to meet lots of her friends and to be in group. but i did the efforts for her. 

She told me she loves me a month after our first meeting. Things were very quick on her side and i preferred to take my time to open up about my feelings towards her after our first trip together. 

We were then officially together and things were cool and happy. We made another trip together with her friend and her GF on October. it was my chance to know her better. there were some ups and down during this trip but somehow i understood that i was not quite okay with some of her behaviors. i told her about that and we survived the episodes we had during this trip ( nothing important, just some behavior about stupid things and arguing about minor details ) 

before this trip, on August, she traveled to her mother home town to see her and she had to do it by car. She then spent a week somewhere between our place and her mother home town to enjoy the beach and the summer life. She told me that it was her brother who will came help her making it to her mother home town since she cant drive by night. 

she had occasionally some business trips. The last one she had took time and before leaving she told me that she wanted to officialise things with her and she wanted to give some time to think about a plan for getting married with her since - for her - we know each other very well and she cant stand continuing with this configuration and she wants to officialise. 

Once back, i still had not things very clear on my mind and the low pressure she put on me made me move and start to ask questions if she is the right one for me and that i hadnt to waste her time since she made it clear from the beginning. 

I wanted to respond to my instinct and then had her Messenger password and started to read conversation of the girl i used to see as future espouse, just by curiosity, i wanted to see how she talks about me. I saw lots of parts when she was telling how much she loves me and i was the one. But i also made some discoveries big ones: 

- It's not her brother who came on august and it turned out that one of her EX. He came and they spend two nights together during the trip. No details about sex but they met many time ( at least three during her business trip and once during her august round trip )

- In the begining, while she was saying that she cant juggle between different guys, she was talking to other and explaining to her friends that she can't handle 4 at once.

- To one of her friends, talking about her ex, that there always be hugs and kisses.

after some researches, i found out that this guy is a famous ex and all of her friends know about him but things ended but they still catch up. It turned out that she was the one who asked him to help her with her round trip. 

I was SHOCKED and hurt since i never had any doubts. 

Went to her place and gave her chance by asking her if she was hidding anything but she refused to tell anything. The day after, i broke up with her and she was shocked. I received many calls and i ended up blocking her everywhere except Messenger. Yesterday, i had a conversation with her friend telling me she is not well. She also wrote me several time and we had a conversation yesterday begging me to forgive her and that she was ready to do anything to repair things and that she regretted all this and she hates herself. 

She asked me to think about it but i ignored her messages. Now, she is expecting an answer and i dont know what to write her. I can't forgive this and my self esteem will take a hit. I'm not sure, i can trust her again and trust anyone else. She was the 1st girl that i told i love her and she was the first one who had this level of trust i gave. 

She tried to explain that nothing happened but how to believe that two adults spending nights together wont do anything. It's really hard for me to believe her version and that nothing happened, it's really complicated. 

During our relationship, i was always begging for trust and she can be open about anything and tell me all her secrects but she was always recalling me that i know everything...

Excuse my bad English and thank you for reading. 

[JTSW]

So you don't know that she actually cheated. 

No matter how much you justify it, going through her messages is not cool at all.

The only way you are going to know the truth is by contacting this ex of hers and asking him.

Maybe they have remained good friends.

Maybe she told you her brother was helping because you might over react if you knew it was the ex.

Contact him, find out what went on before you throw this away.

Edited February 25, 2020 by JTSW

[ExpatInItaly]

You would be crazy to give this woman another chance. 

She has been lying in one form or another from the beginning. It is a deeply-ingrained character flaw for her, not a one-time mistake. And it's not as though she came forward with her confession; she was hiding it until you brought your discovery to her. 

This is not someone you will ever be able to trust. 

[2BGoodAgain]

umm.....

1) something prob happened during those trips. 90% sure.

2) you may have been snooping on her phone, bad. But let's be honest, you wouldn't have done that unless you were fairly sure something was up = end of the relationship. Not to justify your decision to snoop, that is still bad. but it got to a point where you decided the end of the relationship was a real possibility.

3) Regardless of the snooping, she was keeping major secrets from you.

4) There is still hope for the relationship, IF you still want a future. The old relationship is destroyed. She destroyed it. BUT if you two still think you both are worthwhile... there are steps, though difficult, to accomplish creating a new relationship between you two. 1) complete honesty and disclosure about this ex. 2) actionable decision she makes to get over her ex(counseling/therapy, etc) 3) you both get therapy separately, then perhaps together. (you to get thru this betrayal, and she to get over her ex and resulting decisions).

5) you both weren't ready to get into a relationship, as individuals. You both expected each other to be the solution for your problems, but the reality is, you needed to fix it BEFORE you got into the relationship. I think. I'm still kinda iffy about that bit, but the older i get, the more I believe it.

6) whether or not she gets over her ex, depends on her life choices, her will, therapy, etc. No guarantees. from you or from her.

7) I honestly think you should get therapy/counseling too. To get over this current situation, but also, other things.

[Fletch Lives]

She does not have integrity, she lied to you, saying it was her brother who drove her, when it was in fact her ex. Half of cheating is due to lack of integrity.

They have to have integrity to be a good catch.

[schlumpy]

She's of the mind set that - "it was only sex. It didn't mean anything."

If that's not how you look at it then let her go. You are not a match.

[vengfulone]

Why didn't she ask you to take her? Why is she still talking to her ex? When people like you two get together and your in a seven month relationship. You don't talk to your ex's period! A girl that flat out tell's you she can't handle many men at one time,Happens to be the girl that can handle a lot of guy's and keep them all secret from each other. Just use her for sex, she not worth it to marry her.

[Marc878]

Dating is a tryout. She failed.

You don’t owe her anything.

Ignore her. You just dodged a huge bullet to the head.

Nothing happened? Yeah right. She didn’t lie about it for nothing.

Her X or others will always be in the mix. That is who she is.

Let her be someone else’s problem. 
 

Drama, drama, drama!!!!! Be glad you snooped.

Edited February 27, 2020 by Marc878

[Marc878]

On 2/25/2020 at 7:31 AM, High Voltage said:

- It's not her brother who came on august and it turned out that one of her EX. He came and they spend two nights together during the trip. No details about sex but they met many time ( at least three during her business trip and once during her august round trip )
 

She’s been hooking up on the side.

- In the begining, while she was saying that she cant juggle between different guys, she was talking to other and explaining to her friends that she can't handle 4 at once.

- To one of her friends, talking about her ex, that there always be hugs and kisses.

Not relationship or marriage material. Her x will always be in the mix. She’s a cake eater

after some researches, i found out that this guy is a famous ex and all of her friends know about him but things ended but they still catch up. It turned out that she was the one who asked him to help her with her round trip. 

She planned and executed this. You know what the purpose was for.

Went to her place and gave her chance by asking her if she was hidding anything but she refused to tell anything. The day after, i broke up with her and she was shocked. I received many calls and i ended up blocking her everywhere except Messenger. Yesterday, i had a conversation with her friend telling me she is not well. She also wrote me several time and we had a conversation yesterday begging me to forgive her and that she was ready to do anything to repair things and that she regretted all this and she hates herself. 
 

Yet she did nothing wrong?

 

She’s in self preservation mode only but will revert back.

The tears are for her getting caught. Nothing more.

Edited February 27, 2020 by Marc878

[smackie9]

You got me at, the ups and downs on the trip, because you didn't like her behavior. You should have dumped her then. You shouldn't have to "correct" someones behavior so early in a relationship. You need to realize that their poor behavior is an example of what kind of person they are. Kick her to the curb already.

[JS84]

Your biggest mistake was breaking no contact. Block her on messenger or whatever means you were communicating by and move on. 9 months and she's shown you who she is. Learn from this. Hopefully she will, but I doubt it. People like that tend to feel bad right up until the next time they do some shady crap. Rinse and repeat. You don't owe her a second chance and you don't owe her a response.

It also doesn't sound like you'd really be able to live with yourself if you went back to her, which I completely understand. On top of that you wouldn't trust her. At least not for a long time. Every time she's out of town, anytime she's with her "brother" or out with the girls, your anxiety will be through the roof. Don't put yourself through that. Not over a 9 month relationship. Just walk away dude.

[High Voltage]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your answers. I really appreciate that you took time reading what i wrote and all you guys wrote i will read it again. I dont know but while reading your answers i felt stronger and more determined to move on. I will come here again and read and keep reading what you wrote.

Thanks for everyones support.

one last question: she offered me a gift for my bday two weeks before the breakup and before i found out about her conversations. 
should i return to her this gift by giving it to her friend ? Its tech device.

im just afraid she will do the same and give me back what i offered her for her bday? 
gifts should be returned after break up?

thank you. 

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, High Voltage said:

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your answers. I really appreciate that you took time reading what i wrote and all you guys wrote i will read it again. I dont know but while reading your answers i felt stronger and more determined to move on. I will come here again and read and keep reading what you wrote.

Thanks for everyones support.

one last question: she offered me a gift for my bday two weeks before the breakup and before i found out about her conversations. 
should i return to her this gift by giving it to her friend ? Its tech device.

im just afraid she will do the same and give me back what i offered her for her bday? 
gifts should be returned after break up?

thank you. 

You are breaking the no contact again. Just stop it. Keep the gift, and not give a rat's butt about it.

[smackie9]

Just now, smackie9 said:

 

 

Edited February 29, 2020 by smackie9

[JS84]

3 hours ago, High Voltage said:

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your answers. I really appreciate that you took time reading what i wrote and all you guys wrote i will read it again. I dont know but while reading your answers i felt stronger and more determined to move on. I will come here again and read and keep reading what you wrote.

Thanks for everyones support.

one last question: she offered me a gift for my bday two weeks before the breakup and before i found out about her conversations. 
should i return to her this gift by giving it to her friend ? Its tech device.

im just afraid she will do the same and give me back what i offered her for her bday? 
gifts should be returned after break up?

thank you. 

Keep the gift, don't contact her again. Don't respond when she contacts you, don't bring her up with mutual friends or change the subject if they do. Thats it.

[notbroken]

She is untrustworthy.  You would always wonder about her and the truth.  Don't torture yourself like that - it just isn't a good foundation for a bright future.   Keep the gift.  Never speak to her or her friends again if you can avoid it at all - and I mean go to great lengths to avoid it.   Nothing good can come from it.   If you were to somehow end up with her it would eventually blow up over distrust - you can bet the farm on that.