jk35058 Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 I need help figuring out what to do with this situation I am having. I've been dating this girl for a few months now. I actually stay with her at her apartment. Things were good until I encountered a issue the other day... I saw that she was talking to a guy that has a gf and I asked who is he and she told me it is a guy she was talking to and met him on a dating site a few months ago(before her and I became a thing.)and that they are just friends now. I noticed his icon(Facebook chathead) labled as 'J'was on her phone past few days and wanted to ask her what that was and today I saw it again and she acted like she was trying to hide it. She refused to show me the messages of them talking and told me it's an invasion of her privacy and that her exs used to do that to her. She told me I dont need to see the messages and that there isn't nothing bad and to take her word for it that there isn't anything inappropriate. That I should trust her. We talked it over and we seem good now but I still worry about that guy she is talking to. And why she wouldn't let me see the messages really set me off to the max. I almost left her right then and there. She and her roommate went outside to talk. And when they came back in I talked to my girlfriend. She told me nothing is happening and that there isn't nothing going on. The guy does appear to be in a relationship. She showed me a few messages,most recent and didn't wanna show me the rest and just how she got defensive when I asked about it. I am having a hard time with this. Just the uncertainty is killing. I told her over and over again how my anxiety is lately and that it made it worse. I told her if there is nothing bad then what is there to hide or keep secrets. Idk I just dont know if I can keep doing this. Even though she swears that nothing is going on. I dont know what to do. She already knows it is bothering me. We at least had a talk but she still holds firm to not wanting to show me that nothing is going on. Do I just ignore it and hope and pray that she is being honest and just not worry about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 (edited) This is a tough one. You 2 have only been together for a short time... and to me, that doesn't give you the right to see her phone history. But, honesty, and trust is what builds a relationship. Personally... if any of the girls who I'm hanging out with right now wanted to see my phone, I would let them, and I have nothing to hide, and I'm an honest kind of person. Actually... that worked to my advantage a month ago. I was at a group outing, and a couple of the girls wanted to know why I didn't have snapchat. I said "Because I'm not 14." LOL. So, I unlocked my phone, and just handed it to them to do what they wished. I got 2 new female contacts out of that because they installed it, set up my account, and the friended me in it. Anyway... if she is getting defensive... she is hiding something. Sure, he may have a GF... but since you 2 are new... you are still at a stage that a simple... "This isn't working out" is all that's needed to end it. I'm guessing... and I'm sure it's what you are thinking... she is in a relationship with this guy on some level. Even if that's just very flirty txt'ing. (or sexting) Sorry. Edited February 25, 2020 by Blind-Sided Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 The trouble with insecure anxious people is they create what they fear most. Use some logic here for a moment. If she ends up not wanting to stay with you for whatever reason, then of course she's going to see other men once you two are over. So it doesn't really matter about this one man. there are always going to be other men she could see if she wanted to. She's letting you live with her. If she wanted to see other guys I don't think she would do that. she would just tell you she doesn't want to live together anymore. Which is probably going to happen at some point because of your insecurities. You're going to make it happen. I understand your concern and I think she probably does have some interest in this other guy but they're both in other relationships. Trying to isolate her from this one guy isn't going to stop her from see other men once you two break up.and no amount of monitoring can stop someone from cheating if that's what they want to do. But I just think that if that's what she wants to do she will just kick you out of her apartment first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted February 26, 2020 Share Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) Your looking at her phone is not going to stop her running off with this guy if she wants to. However, being insecure and invading her privacy is likely to drive her away. If you cannot accept that she is entitled to privacy and to talk to who she wishes, then this is going to end badly. It is not her responsibility to deal with your anxiety. You take a chance and trust her or you don’t. No What matters is not who she talks to or who she has dated in the past. What matters is what is in her heart and that is something you cannot see. If she loves you, why would she cheat - unless she is a cheating sort of person? Have you any reason to believe she has a history of cheating? If she is a cheater, it will become apparent anyway and the relationship will be over. You need to understand that you cannot own or control someone. You can only love them and hope it is reciprocated. Edited February 26, 2020 by spiderowl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted February 26, 2020 Share Posted February 26, 2020 If you want to know what's going on quit confronting her. Make sure you have new place to live set up and contact the guy she's talking to. If he won't give up any info then talk to his GF. Make sure you have that new place lined up first though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jk35058 Posted February 26, 2020 Author Share Posted February 26, 2020 2 hours ago, spiderowl said: Your looking at her phone is not going to stop her running off with this guy if she wants to. However, being insecure and invading her privacy is likely to drive her away. If you cannot accept that she is entitled to privacy and to talk to who she wishes, then this is going to end badly. It is not her responsibility to deal with your anxiety. You take a chance and trust her or you don’t. No What matters is not who she talks to or who she has dated in the past. What matters is what is in her heart and that is something you cannot see. If she loves you, why would she cheat - unless she is a cheating sort of person? Have you any reason to believe she has a history of cheating? If she is a cheater, it will become apparent anyway and the relationship will be over. You need to understand that you cannot own or control someone. You can only love them and hope it is reciprocated. She hasnt had a past with being a cheater, however she stated her ex and ex husband would accuse her of cheating or wanting to go through her phone. Her ex supposedly cheated on her in her last relationship. I kind of overheard a conversation between her and her best friend. I couldn't hear alot but I heard bits and pieces, under my assumption, she is possibly wanting to end things with me. And we were supposed to move down to the city were her kids live but I heard talk of getting a place just for her, presumably without me. It's just a shame because her kids really like me and call me dad sometimes. Her kids dont live with her but with their dad a couple hours away. We pick them up every Friday. Anyway, I just thought I was good to her and the kids. With all of this said, was thinking of straight up asking her: Are we still good and if she still wants to continue to be with me? I am afraid to ruin it if I didn't already. I hope that she does wanna be with me still. But at the same time, I'd rather know the truth and just have honesty. I dont want to be hurt again. What should I do next? Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted February 26, 2020 Share Posted February 26, 2020 12 hours ago, jk35058 said: She hasnt had a past with being a cheater, however she stated her ex and ex husband would accuse her of cheating or wanting to go through her phone. Her ex supposedly cheated on her in her last relationship. I kind of overheard a conversation between her and her best friend. I couldn't hear alot but I heard bits and pieces, under my assumption, she is possibly wanting to end things with me. And we were supposed to move down to the city were her kids live but I heard talk of getting a place just for her, presumably without me. It's just a shame because her kids really like me and call me dad sometimes. Her kids dont live with her but with their dad a couple hours away. We pick them up every Friday. Anyway, I just thought I was good to her and the kids. With all of this said, was thinking of straight up asking her: Are we still good and if she still wants to continue to be with me? I am afraid to ruin it if I didn't already. I hope that she does wanna be with me still. But at the same time, I'd rather know the truth and just have honesty. I dont want to be hurt again. What should I do next? So a couple of things OP. Sounds like you guys moved way too fast. Especially as a mother she should want to protect her kids from guys coming in and out of their lives - especially if she's not the one with primary guardianship of them. (Which is something to ponder about). Second, others are right - she does have a certain right to privacy, especially as you're still fresh in the relationship. Third, yes - your insecurities might only hasten a demise to this relationship. But...I want to play the devil's advocate in defense of her possible cheating....Sure, she could be just having normal, every day conversations with this guy.And sure, she could have had exes with control problems or who didn't trust her. But...from my somewhat limited working knowledge of woman - she wouldn't have anything to hide and she probably wouldn't still be talking to some guy she just met online and didn't end up dating if there wasn't something else going on in her mind and heart. Now, if they were just talking about Star Wars, for example, cause they're both big fans - she'd be able to quickly tell you the topic(s) they discuss. If she can't and doesn't do that she's either not honest or she's not that bright. I'd slow down with this until the truth reveals itself. And next time - slow down in the beginning. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jk35058 Posted March 1, 2020 Author Share Posted March 1, 2020 (edited) You are right. She wouldn't still have me living here in her appartment. I just need to be calm and not let their texting back and forth bother me. He did quote a Three days grace song called: 'Infered' and as I looked up the song intreptaion: means pretty much a secret relationship that they have that no one else can see. Which yes, it bothered me hardcore and made me even more worse. But I'm not letting this bother me. I've been talking to friends and gathering information in which, majority of them say it's not right for her to be so secretive. Advice on here is to respect her privacy. I know my constant questioning to my girlfriend'are you ok?' Are we breaking up' and etc is making her go insane. She said we do this over and over again with the same end result: everything is fine and theres nothing going on and that I should not worry she said. So after she said that something in my mind clicked. So I'm going to stop worrying and stop with the questions. It's just pushing her away. Yesterday I was anxiety free and feeling and acting normal. And this seemed to make my gf happier and seemed like she wanted to be around me more. So I will keep acting normal and positive as like I was before. That was a quality that she told me she liked of me. And I would actually make her smile a lot. That's the level I want to get back on. I am still going to get counseling because I need to. It'll help. Edited March 1, 2020 by jk35058 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 1, 2020 Share Posted March 1, 2020 On 2/25/2020 at 10:47 AM, jk35058 said: I've been dating this girl for a few months now. I actually stay with her at her apartment. I see boundary issues all over the place in here. The idea that her kids call you dad is waaaayyyy too fast. First, you two don't know each other well enough yet to be living together. IMO a couple needs to have been together for at least 1 full year before cohabitating. I'm floored that you are both old enough to be married, divorced & have kids. From this post I thought you were college aged, early 20s. . .you sound very young. As for her & this guy. It could be nothing. She is clearly triggered by it because her EX-H invaded her privacy. But under the circumstances she needed to do more to quell your concerns. Since she has now showed you some of the messages, calm down. She needs some reassurance that you do trust her. Blind trust is not warranted however. Honestly you don't know each other well enough for that yet. Living together is no substitute for time. I would suggest to your GF that she arrange a double date for you two & this guy & his GF. Interacting with them is going to be the best most accurate way to assess the level of interaction. I suspect that your fears that she is on the verge of breaking up with you are well founded. This is more a function of moving in together too fast. If you had lived separately & built a solid foundation you probably wouldn't be having this problem because there would be a better basis for trust or lack there of. Now you are operating from fear & ignorance. (I am not calling you dumb; I'm pointing out that there is too much you don't know about your GF, nor should you at this early stage). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 2, 2020 Share Posted March 2, 2020 21 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I suspect that your fears that she is on the verge of breaking up with you are well founded. This is more a function of moving in together too fast. If you had lived separately & built a solid foundation you probably wouldn't be having this problem because there would be a better basis for trust or lack there of. Now you are operating from fear & ignorance. I came to write essentially the same things. There is so much wrong with this relationship, OP. The suspicion over the texting is merely a symptom of bigger problems, such as still not really knowing each other and attempting to zoom through dating to Happy Families way too fast. There is barely any foundation here, and it's already cracking. You two didn't give that foundation enough time to set before placing too much pressure on top of it. Why did you move in so quickly, and why the heck do these children refer to you as "Dad" sometimes? That is absurd, bluntly-speaking. These kids hardly know you, and vice versa. As an offshoot - why do the kids live with their dad and she only sees them on weekends? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jk35058 Posted March 5, 2020 Author Share Posted March 5, 2020 Update: guy she was texting was identified as her Ex Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 1 hour ago, jk35058 said: Update: guy she was texting was identified as her Ex She shares children with him. they have to talk for the good of the kids. That doesn't change the fact that you & she moved too fast. Now you have no foundation & this is falling apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Silver_star Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 Shady. I have learned from experience to try and always trust my gut. People will call it "insecure" to gaslight you when they are guilty of something...but there is always a reason you are feeling not right about something and that is usually your brain/logic trying to protect you from getting hurt when a red flag appears, or when shady things are going on and they are passing it off as acceptable behavior. Once the trust is gone its better to walk away, and the sooner the better. I like to look back at my last relationship and idealize it at times, but I suffered from putting him on a pedestal and trusting everything he said. In my last relationship I found a photo of another girl in his phone. Probably 5 months into the "exclusive relationship"... I wasn't really snooping or looking for anything he handed me his phone and told me to take a photo, I took a bunch and then I scrolled through his photos while he was right there with me. It was recent. He said the photo was there from his WhatsApp from a single friend of his, because when you get sent photos in Whatsapp they get stored in your phone. He said he just had not deleted it because he hadn't looked through his photos recently. He was so prepared with the response that I really wanted to believe him. I had this feeling in my gut though..that this was not right, i actually remember feeling hot and physically sick...because I didn't believe that his single friend (whom I had met before and knew about his taste in women) would send this type of photo of a girl to show who they were seeing casually. It was not a photo I would think guys would brag about to one another either. She was slightly chubbier which was not his friends type at all... It just seemed off. Anyways, after that incident the trust was shaken, but I continued on giving him the "benefit of the doubt" the best I could because I felt I was probably being crazy or unreasonable and insecure about the girl in his phone who was his friends casual chick...and I didn't feel she was better than me anyways,... I thought "He is with me at the end of the day not other girls, so I had nothing to worry about right?" But these kinds of things things just kept coming. These things made me feel crazy. They made me feel unwanted and not enough. These trust issues had me checking the sides of his bed for left over bobby pins from other women....That is not okay. I should not have been that insecure, but I was, because I was looking for physical evidence to back up what I knew in my gut and my heart to be true in some way. Instead of just walking away from something that didn't feel right to me. Looking back I wish I would have just trusted my gut feeling. To this day I still am not 100% sure if he was lying or not but my gut was telling me something on those occasions when shady s*** happened with him and his phone/girls and getting caught in lies, and I should have trusted my gut and acted by leaving, instead of semi-trusting him and staying just to be left in the end. He was a hell of a liar in other aspects, did it with such ease... so why wouldn't he lie about this? He ended up moving out of the country for work and left me behind anyways. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jk35058 Posted March 7, 2020 Author Share Posted March 7, 2020 On 3/5/2020 at 1:58 PM, d0nnivain said: She shares children with him. they have to talk for the good of the kids. That doesn't change the fact that you & she moved too fast. Now you have no foundation & this is falling apart. No, this is not her ex husband that she has kids with. Just an ex boyfriend that she had broken up with before her and I started seeing each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jk35058 Posted March 7, 2020 Author Share Posted March 7, 2020 4 minutes ago, jk35058 said: No, this is not her ex husband that she has kids with. Just an ex boyfriend that she had broken up with before her and I started seeing each other. So she lied to me of the identity of who she was messaging so I wouldn't know it was her ex that she was texting all the time. Told me it's a guy shes friends with on Facebook and that he has a girlfriend. I ended up messaging the guys girlfriend and she told me that it's not his number. So this made me dig in deeper.. I did the Facebook upload contacts as find friends and her exs name popped up. When they broke up initially, she put him on blast and put up a screen shot of their conversations. I compared the numbers from that post to the number she kept secretly texting and matched. In a sense, after finding out the truth, I felt better. I'm still dealing with a bit of depression and sadness as how could she do this and mess up something we had good? And I'm not understanding why is keeps trashing me on social media. She has me blocked but I have ways and friends that she her posts. If she moved on why is she holding on to all this? Let the feelings go and move on. I'm trying to do that myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 i'm sorry she was untruthful. And I'm sorry you are dealing with some sadness. BUT... I'm sure you are feeling better knowing you got out at the right time. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 Dating is a tryout. Yep, you jumped into this way to fast. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jk35058 Posted March 8, 2020 Author Share Posted March 8, 2020 11 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: i'm sorry she was untruthful. And I'm sorry you are dealing with some sadness. BUT... I'm sure you are feeling better knowing you got out at the right time. Thank you! I'm trying to get over it but shes spreading rumors that I forced sex into her, which is not true. She also said I drugged her to fall asleep. I gave her muscle relaxers to help her sleep and she took them willingly. I put them in her hand. I wish this would all stop. She is calling me a narcissist too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jk35058 Posted March 8, 2020 Author Share Posted March 8, 2020 10 hours ago, Marc878 said: Dating is a tryout. Yep, you jumped into this way to fast. Yup. Next time I'm taking it slow. Link to post Share on other sites
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