What might be the reasons for an ex blocking and avoiding you?

[homecoming]

Just to offer an overall context: was with someone who confessed to having 'anger issues', with slight criticisms occurring over time, breaking up with me after he became angry at me in front of a bunch of people. 

He offered friendship, but at the time I was very emotionally fragile. I agreed to being 'friends', but felt that he was acting completely normal while I was struggling. When I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling, and to tell him that I wasn't ready to be friends yet (only attempted this once) he became very angry; swearing, threatening to block me, etc. Bear in mind that I only attempted this once, after a week of trying to be friends with him. I often kept my emotions subdued because he was very avoidant/unavailable, so it was rare for me to be open in that way with him. 

He then said OK, we can start again, be friends. 

I then would message him casually, perhaps asking how he was, etc. Very spaced out contact, never mentioned the break up. He stopped replying completely. I did compose one longer message, expressing that I would like to sort things out with him, that I missed doing things with him, etc. Again, it wasn't a very emotional letter because of his aversion to emotions - I didn't write things like "I love you" etc. He didn't respond. 

The only reason I was attempting contact was because, well, he'd said we could be friends. I wouldn't have done so, had he expressed not wanting to be in touch at all. This was also not the first time he had disappeared on me and returned, so I thought that might be the case again. Again, I wasn't in a great emotional state, anyway.

A few months went past, and I messaged him "hey, how are you?" - he blocked me immediately. I can see that he's probably moved on, but I feel quite hated, in a way. I feel as if I was the person that was hurt, yet I feel like this person has treated me as if I was the culprit. It has made moving on quite difficult. 

I hadn't contacted him for a while, so was surprised at the blocking. 

[stillafool]

Usually the dumper throws in the "let's be friends" to soften the blow.  They really don't mean it.  Who wants a person hanging around them with loving eyes when you know you don't and won't feel the same.  Be glad he blocked you so you can put this behind you, heal and move on.  It sucks that he doesn't have the balls to tell you this but expects you to get the message.

[homecoming]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Usually the dumper throws in the "let's be friends" to soften the blow.  They really don't mean it.

That's what I thought.. I don't know, it just didn't feel like something he'd say; he was always quite direct and would state how he felt, etc. But it does look like it was just another ex platitude, yes. 

And it has been difficult to move on when I've felt kind of hurt by his actions in the relationship and zero accountability, but I guess that's just how some people are.

[TeddyBundy1993]

The more you try to contact him the more power he will have over you. This dude seriously does not seems like a guy you can be friends with.  Hes self obsessed, selfish creature. Moreover he knows you'll come back to him no matter what as you give him indications you have feelings for him. If hes hating you let him do that, you cant change it dear. Time to protect yourself now your feelings. Dont waste your time on this man anymore, bcz it will be a waste complete waste. 

Exes hate their partner for endless reason. You hurted his ego I think. Only He knows. Dont be so weak you can live without this douchebag trust me. He seems to have moved on. You should too. It sounds harsh but really you gotta do it. Cut this man out of your life he didnt gave you any respect he doesn't deserve any in return

[homecoming]

@TeddyBundy1993 

You're right. I haven't attempted contact for a long time, even though sometimes I do just want to know "why?" and it hurts because I did really love him. He, however, didn't seem to either feel the same way or appreciate the love of someone. He has done things (not major things) in the past and I've gone back, so he does probably view me as this person who will go back, no matter what. I wish to truly have no feelings for him, but it's hard. I resolve every day not to contact him though, and I am succeeding so far. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, homecoming said:

I resolve every day not to contact him though, and I am succeeding so far. 

It takes time but stick to it and you'll get there.

[preraph]

Look I don't know if he's a bad guy or a regular guy, but it sounds to me like he has had to tell you repeatedly that he is not interested in you romantically and that you have continued in the hope he will change his mind and he got tired of it and blocked you, which is what any normal person would do. When he said friends he didn't mean he was wanting to be friends. He just meant he wasn't interested in you. It was just an easy way to let you down. He is not interested in you. Block him back and move on.

[kendahke]

4 hours ago, homecoming said:

was with someone who confessed to having 'anger issues', with slight criticisms occurring over time, breaking up with me after he became angry at me in front of a bunch of people. 

He offered friendship,

How magnanimous of him after he embarrassed and insulted you in front of other people!!  Friendship!!! Oh yeah, that should make the whole episode vaporize without having to do some mea culpas and offering up a sincere, heartfelt apology.

He basically threw up on your shoes with that, ignored the elephant in the living room behind his behavior and expected you to be honored.

This may be in his arsenal of tricks to mind-eff you, since he's got anger issues--is he seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist for these issues? What's he done to get a grip on this, other than biting your head off in front of others?

Be glad he blocked you. Anyone who subjects you to any sort of criticisms over time is someone to avoid.

In the meantime, go on youtube and look up/listen to Terri Cole videos.

Edited February 25, 2020 by kendahke

[Commongoal123]

Quote

Usually the dumper throws in the "let's be friends" to soften the blow.  They really don't mean it.

 

I disagree.  While this may be true in some cases, I think in most cases dumpers often do this to maintain an ego boost and have a control status over the dumpee through the dumpee's attention, seeing clear signs of wanting the dumper back, etc.  Basically, the dumper wants the dumpee at arms length for their own ego, but without playing the part of being arm in arm.

 

I think the greater question here OP, is to ask yourself what YOU want?  Originally.... he wanted to be friends, but you were hurt.  Could you really pull that off comfortably for yourself?  Or is it better to rip off the bandaid?

Is how he is acting towards you now how you want your "friendship" to be like?

He is using you for attention and is playing with your emotions.  You deserve far better than that.

Regarding his anger.... the fact that he got angry with you because YOU didn't want to be friends with him after HE dumped you out of his life, if a clear indicator of him wanting to maintain control over you.

I see no signs of kindness here on his part in softening any blow he has dealt.  I see the opposite.

Take care of yourself.  Dump the dumper.  And when he contacts you, do yourself a huge favor and don't respond.  You will find better.  Maybe not the next guy... but give yourself respect and love, and expect that from the people in your life, and you will find it more often.  I promise.

Edited February 25, 2020 by Commongoal123
Quoted the wrong person.

[homecoming]

58 minutes ago, preraph said:

Look I don't know if he's a bad guy or a regular guy, but it sounds to me like he has had to tell you repeatedly that he is not interested in you romantically and that you have continued in the hope he will change his mind and he got tired of it and blocked you, which is what any normal person would do. When he said friends he didn't mean he was wanting to be friends. He just meant he wasn't interested in you. It was just an easy way to let you down. He is not interested in you. Block him back and move on.

Huh? He didn't have to tell me 'repeatedly', I even wrote in my OP that this happened ONCE after he SPLIT UP with me. You've made it sound like I was pestering him and trying to get him to be with me.

He split up with me (we were actually together) said we could be friends, I felt it wasn't working and didn't want to be in contact, tried to tell him this, he got angry, then changed his mind and said we could be friends (after an hour on the phone) then started ignoring me THE NEXT DAY. You seem to have really misinterpreted the entire thing. I'm not dumb, I know when someone is telling me they aren't interested in me. I realise that I've only provided a snippet of everything, but you're way off the mark. I agree that he's not interested, I can see that, but don't think you got it right with the rest of it Thanks for the input, though.

Edited February 25, 2020 by homecoming

[d0nnivain]

"let's be friends" is a white lie.  It means let's agree to not cause a scene if we randomly bump into each other.  It does not usually mean continuing to chat or even occasionally inquire about the other one's life. When you reached out you were trying to actually be friends, which was not what he signed on for when he threw out the offer.  Thus he blocked you.  He may also be courting a new person who wanted all EXs to be disconnected.  

[homecoming]

@d0nnivain

I think it was just the way he phrased it - "let's forget about all of this and start again, I'll see you in the week" 

I guess I knew about that whole ex and the let's be friends trope, and perhaps I just wanted to believe it wasn't that, but it does look like yeah, it was. I know I should have taken the silence to mean that he was no longer interested in contact, but at the time when emotions are everywhere, I didn't find it easy to step away. Also this wasn't the first time he'd gone silent and 'come back' so I had that in my mind, too. It was just a mess for me, everything he was doing and saying didn't make sense. The angry insults and the break up had literally come overnight; as if a switch had been turned in his head. We'd been very close up until the day he ended it - he was acting a lot more affectionate and complimentary than usual, too. I have no idea. 

I'd really love to learn how to let this go. It's clear I'll never get the answers I need.

 

 

[Watercolors]

4 minutes ago, homecoming said:

@d0nnivain

I think it was just the way he phrased it - "let's forget about all of this and start again, I'll see you in the week" 

I guess I knew about that whole ex and the let's be friends trope, and perhaps I just wanted to believe it wasn't that, but it does look like yeah, it was. I know I should have taken the silence to mean that he was no longer interested in contact, but at the time when emotions are everywhere, I didn't find it easy to step away. Also this wasn't the first time he'd gone silent and 'come back' so I had that in my mind, too. It was just a mess for me, everything he was doing and saying didn't make sense. The angry insults and the break up had literally come overnight; as if a switch had been turned in his head. We'd been very close up until the day he ended it - he was acting a lot more affectionate and complimentary than usual, too. I have no idea. 

I'd really love to learn how to let this go. It's clear I'll never get the answers I need.

 

 

But he has given you the answers that you need. He's blocked you. He's given you the silent treatment. You're just not receptive to those answers...yet. Eventually, you need to accept those answers. Breakups are never easy but overanalyzing everything after-the-fact isn't going to change the fact that he dumped you and blocked you and is not interested in being friends with you. 

[homecoming]

12 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

He's blocked you. He's given you the silent treatment. You're just not receptive to those answers...yet. Eventually, you need to accept those answers.

That's true. And I have struggled for a while - probably because of the sudden nature of the break up. Or.... I have no idea why I've struggled. But you're right, I agree.

[homecoming]

@Watercolors

In reply to my above message stating I 'needed answers' I think more just confusion over how someone can spend all of their time with you, telling you that you are their 'twin flame', that they've never felt like this about anyone, etc to a literal overnight switch of anger and cutting you out of their lives. I've had other break ups that were painful but nowhere near as confusing to understand. That's what I think I mean by 'answers' - I can see that he doesn't want anything to do with me, more just how and why has he decided that, when that is the polar opposite of what he was saying before. Who knows, anyway.

Edited February 25, 2020 by homecoming
Added username

[stillafool]

You're struggling because you are in love with him and he ended it abruptly and blocked you.  It's natural to be hurt and confused.  This should be a lesson not to take him back if he eventually contacts you.  You need to show him your strength if you ever expect him to respect you.  How do you do this?  When he contacts you and asks to be friends tell him "I don't think that would be a good idea because my new friend wouldn't be comfortable with it."   Then wish him well and end the conversation without any explanations and block him.  Can you do that?

[homecoming]

3 hours ago, Commongoal123 said:

Originally.... he wanted to be friends, but you were hurt.  Could you really pull that off comfortably for yourself?  Or is it better to rip off the bandaid?

No, I wouldn't have been able to do that. I could only manage a week of it and it was intensely painful; he'd just chat normally about things, or disappear mid-conversation (which is what friends do, I know) but I was struggling. Staying in touch wouldn't have helped, I know. I don't think I could ever really be 'friends' with him, or anyone that's hurt me.

I actually got in touch with another ex recently and we chatted for a few days until he bought up the relationship/break up, and I felt hurt and anxious all over again. We haven't spoken since. I don't think I have it in me to be friends with a person that's hurt me. In contrast to that, I have a friend I dated briefly, we simply grew apart and got on better as friends, and we never argue - in fact, he is one of my closest friends. When there's been drama and pain I can't really be friends. 

[homecoming]

Just now, stillafool said:

You're struggling because you are in love with him and he ended it abruptly and blocked you.  It's natural to be hurt and confused.  This should be a lesson not to take him back if he eventually contacts you.  You need to show him your strength if you ever expect him to respect you.  How do you do this?  When he contacts you and asks to be friends tell him "I don't think that would be a good idea because my new friend wouldn't be comfortable with it."   Then wish him well and end the conversation without any explanations and block him.  Can you do that?

I would be able to do that. Well, I hope. That is the image of myself I'd like to convey; dignified and strong, regardless of what I am feeling inside.

I honestly wish I didn't feel like this, I have tried all sorts of things - even currently in therapy - yet, it all still lingers. I don't know. Perhaps it will just take time.

[stillafool]

Agreeing to be a friend with an ex is also agreeing to be around him and other women he's interested in.  Could you handle that?

[homecoming]

Just now, stillafool said:

Agreeing to be a friend with an ex is also agreeing to be around him and other women he's interested in.  Could you handle that?

Absolutely not, no. Hanging on hoping he'd change his mind if I did/said such-and-such, no.

[stillafool]

And.... playing the "pick me" dance.  You can and will do better, just give it time.

[homecoming]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

And.... playing the "pick me" dance.  You can and will do better, just give it time.

None of these things sound any fun, no. I hope so, thank you for the kind words 🙂

[TeddyBundy1993]

15 hours ago, homecoming said:

@TeddyBundy1993 

You're right. I haven't attempted contact for a long time, even though sometimes I do just want to know "why?" and it hurts because I did really love him. He, however, didn't seem to either feel the same way or appreciate the love of someone. He has done things (not major things) in the past and I've gone back, so he does probably view me as this person who will go back, no matter what. I wish to truly have no feelings for him, but it's hard. I resolve every day not to contact him though, and I am succeeding so far. 

You'll succeed no contact is just matter of self control distraction. It works wonders.  Now he will  be wondering "why " she isnt contacting me. But I d suggest dont get into these games. 

Just move on from him  that means start a life without him.  This clown is no where material for a longer run. You saved yourself from more misery in future. Right ones never leave ok. Be easy on yourself.  It happens to us all

[JTSW]

He doesn't sound worth the time and energy.

You deserve better than this.

The fact that he instantly blocked you following your message tells me he has someone new.

[homecoming]

@JTSW

Perhaps he does have someone new, that would explain it. Good for him. I hope he manages to sort his anger issues out!

I'm going to try and start working harder on moving forwards. No point wasting energy on someone like this, you're right.