Need your advise please girls!

[deathangel]

Hi Girls,

I really do like this one girl who I have known for about 7 months now. At the beginning of the year she was hooked on one guy, but that didnt work out as he wanted a 'relationship girl ' so he says. Once she got over it, she found someone else (who she is now living with along with 3 others). She is currently with him however, just last night she went off with the first guy that she hasnt seen for about a year now. Before last night, I have been seeing a lot of her and we have spent a lot of time together which is good and to be fair we could have pulled on a few occasions. I've treated her really well i.e. taken her out for dinner, drinks and made sure she had a great time. Her best mate realised I liked her and asked me if I did not long ago. I told her that I did ans she replied that its probably best to wait and see what happens with her and the guy shes seeing now as she seems a bit confused about the whole thing. We've only been back at uni for two weeks now and i'm starting to lose hope in the whole thing. Strange thing is that I'm really hooked on her and i'm not so sure what to do anymore. Girls I really need your help and would really appreciate it for some good advice. Thanks a lot.

[RecordProducer]

NO!!! Don't wait to see what happens with the other guys. If she likes you and hooks up with you, she will hopefully ditch the others. Let her know you like her and see her reaction. You've got NOTHING to lose. You can only win her. There's a famous saying: "The one who approaches first wins the girl!"

[LucreziaBorgia]

Before last night, I have been seeing a lot of her and we have spent a lot of time together which is good and to be fair we could have pulled on a few occasions. I've treated her really well i.e. taken her out for dinner, drinks and made sure she had a great time.

 

... and this is your reward for all your hard efforts:

 

just last night she went off with the first guy that she hasnt seen for about a year now.

 

Unless you fancy waiting around until she runs completely out of other man options and she comes to you as a default, you'll steer clear.

 

You know that offering your best isn't working - all you get for your efforts and trying is the priviledge of watching her hook up with other guys, so its on to Plan B: simply walking away from her, and cutting her out of your life. If she wants to be with you, she'll make an effort to do so but you have to make it clear that if she comes back she'll have to be doing it more on your terms and less on hers.

[deathangel]

NO!!! Don't wait to see what happens with the other guys. If she likes you and hooks up with you, she will hopefully ditch the others. Let her know you like her and see her reaction. You've got NOTHING to lose. You can only win her. There's a famous saying: "The one who approaches first wins the girl!"

 

 

Hi,

Thanks for the advice, really appreciate it. I'm just thinking if she did like me, wouldn't something have happened already? I think she knows I like her already however, she is with the other guy at the moment. I don't think she is serious about him tho, otherwise she wouldnt have gone off with the first guy last night. I know it sounds complicated and believe me it is! If I was to just open up and tell her straight, do you not think it would be awkward if she said no?

[RecordProducer]

Hi,

I'm just thinking if she did like me, wouldn't something have happened already?

It actually depends on you.

I think she knows I like her already however, she is with the other guy at the moment.

You don't know whether she knows. Because she is with the other guy (and you don't know her feelings towards you), it'd be best if you would let her know how you feel about her verbally (without touching her). Just tell her that you fancy her and ask her to tell you straightforwardly how she feels about you. It's good that you're already friends so she knows you pretty well. Demand brutal honesty so that you make sure you don't make anymore futile attempts in the future. Your goal is to find out whether the attraction is mutual and if yes then to which extent. Start from there.

If I was to just open up and tell her straight, do you not think it would be awkward if she said no?

Absolutely not! I wish that all the men who hit on me asked me directly whether I liked them or not and didn't get offended afterwards. Some guys are persistent even when I give them no signs of approval and then they get uncomfortable when I reject them eventually. I can imagine how they feel though.

 

My BF has had many (I mean MANY!) girlfriends in his life. He said he would approach every woman he liked and had no problem with being rejected. He says he has been rejected many times also and has had heads turned away in front of his nose when he would try to kiss a woman, but yet didn't lose his self-confidence.

 

You must understand that not everybody will like you. There are actually very few people who really like us in our lives. My BF says that everybody likes me, but that's not true. "Everybody" is just hot for my ass and I don't count that as liking. Liking is when someone knows me, appreciates me, and wants to be with me because he likes my personality.

 

Approaching women should be done in a subtle way. It has two basic phases:

1. innocent seduction - when you are trying to impress her, get to know her, and let her get to know you; and

2. "attacking" - when you let her know that you like her and want something with her.

IMHO, the first one should take at least a week (you've gone through this phase with her already). The second one should be done as painless as possible for both genders. In other words, if you prolong this phase, you're both losing (self-esteem, patience, friendship). This should go spontaneously, smoothly, and fast. E.g. a guy calls me on the phone and I tell him I have a BF; then he asks me out and I refuse; then he asks me to hang out sometime and I say something vague like "yeah, we'll see"; I don't ask him any personal questions or try to impress him... This is an example of a transparent situation where he is setting himself up for feeling rejected at the end.

 

This was about approaches in general, now let's go back to your case. You should play it open so that one single try gives you the whole image of your chances with her. If she says "no" you can still remain friends. I wish all the guys I rejected were secure enough to stay friends with me. I have lost all my male friendships because as soon as they started, the guys would make advances and withdraw after my rejection. There is no need for that. Girls don't see the guys they have rejected as losers. If you just let her know that you like her and she says "no" you're actually not losing anything. Moreover she will feel one step closer to you. If your self-esteem doesn't go down due to the rejection, she will even admire you more. It's your choice whether to be courageous or not. Learn to fight for your goals and accept defeat with nonchalance.

[jaye]

You've got NOTHING to lose. You can only win her. There's a famous saying: "The one who approaches first wins the girl!"

Yeah only the girl you will lose nothin much.

Oh and its the early bird caches the worm.

[deathangel]

Went out with her last night and all was going well. She seemed a bit down tho for some reason and later found out through a friend that shes having hard times with the guy shes seeing just after two weeks! Felt a bit out of place telling her on that night once I found out. Do you think its right to give it a while first?

[Tinalove]

I think you need tio decide what is most important-

 

Her friendship?

Or

Her knowing how you feel regardless of the consiquence??

 

Because by teling her how you feel, you risk losong her as a friend, i had a great friend once, used to see him practically everyday, but i realised he thought of me as more and it was damaged after that. I was really sad because i valued him so much, but just couldnt look at him in the same way again as i was always thinking, 'does he want more?'

 

However it doesnt mean you have to give up hope. I suggest you talk to her best friend about it, and ask to be brutally honest! Best Friends know everything, including whether there is any hope. Make sure she is honest because she might be trying not to hurt your feelings.

 

Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear, and I hope this isnt the case!!

 

Dont give up hope if this girl isn't interested! You sound like a real nice guy and I know love will find you when you least expect it!

[europimp]

I may not be a girl, but I still feel that I'd like to add some input. What're the options here?

 

Wait it out.

 

This would result in a few things. First, it gives her a chance to find a boyfriend somewhere else. Also, this would give you two time to strengthen you FRIENDship. If you really like her, this will probably also mean that you will begin to like her more and more, beyond what you already feel.

 

Tell her.

 

This would give you a clear answer on whether you could ever be more than friends. Either you'll start going out, or you can start to back off this path and go for friendship, if you so choose.

 

I was in a situation like this a few years ago, and i chose to wait it out. We were good friends, did a bunch of flirting, but I never actually made a move. She started going out with this guy, and we were still friends. We were very good friends for about a year, and a few months after she broke up with her boyfriend I finally asked her out.

 

Well, she said no. But I also learned that she liked me when I was thinking about going for it but chose not to. That was one of the worst feelings; the rejection was just a polite no, which wasn't bad at all, but she liked me before she started going out with this other guy. Ouch. And then she didn't want a relationship with anyone, and shortly thereafter, off to college.

 

Waiting was the biggest mistake I've made regarding relationships. She and I are still very good friends, but we go to different colleges that are far enough apart that visiting isn't practical. Yes, it sucked having her say no. Yes, It sucked to have a huge crush that had been building for a long time reject me. I'm happy that I came out with it though; and the only, the one and only thing that I regret about any aspect of this, is that I didn't make myself and my position and feelings clear earlier.

 

Go for it. NOW.

[deathangel]

I have taken all your advice however just recently I think things are getting much better. Today we ended up going swimming together followed by a really nice meal at a nice restaurant. I asked how things were going with the guy she's seeing and she replied, ' don't ask, we are just so different in the way that I like going out and having fun and he just stays in and does nothing'. She then started saying saying that she feels that our friendship has ' reached a new level' i.e. being comfortable around me etc . I mean I really do like her and just the other night I was out with another girl and I just couldnt get her out of head. She really is the one I get on best with and I wanna see if there is a chance of being with her, but DON'T wanna be led on. Everytime I do go out with her (just the two of us) the night ends with a smile on her face and seeing her happy makes me feel I done good. Anyway, I'm thinking to wait a bit and see if things end with the guy shes seeing before i do anything as we are very good friends at the moment and I may make a fool of myself saying anything now.