Breaking up with BF and remaining friends

[manifestsunshine]

Hi there! Initially my bf broke my heart and I forgave him, moved on after a year. He sought after another girl and they broke up. He then comes running back to me and I accepted him back. Things have not been the same for me. In my gut, it hasn’t felt right to me. He literally crushed my soul and it took over a year to mend my heart. I also feel like I was discarded and just a fallback option. It’s like after exploring greener pastures, I am option B. I was fine being on my own and I broke my codependency trauma. He came back so fast that I just accepted it with open arms bc I guess that’s what I thought I wanted at the moment.

I went to visit him out of state and maybe after a couple of weeks I wanted to come home. When I am at home I don’t miss him, and it’s starting to feel like a chore to talk to him as my feelings aren’t really there anymore. I love him unconditionally you know and he mentioned he would like to stay in my life regardless….and that is making it hard for me to really find someone else with him in the background. At the same time he is my rock and support. We have really matured to the point where he understands if I want to break up but remain friends. I see him as a platonic friend now as he sometimes feels more like my mentor and he’s very serious. I would be fine with being friends with him.

I feel as if I can connect to him on an intellectual level but not really emotional anymore. During the time I was with him, I was talking to my guy friend who I really missed. In my heart I feel like an emotional connection is more important for me to feel fulfilled… and I feel it with my guy friend. I have already broken up with my bf once after I came back and then made up...and I suppose this will be the final time. I just don’t know what to say and it’s hard to be fully truthful that I would like to see someone else...the guy who I have missed, that he is aware of. My anxiety is heightened because my bf is coming to visit me and is taking extra days off...a full week to spend time with me, his family and my family, next week! 

I don’t want to sleep with him and I know I can restrain myself as I am interested in someone else. I know he will respect my decision but how do I introduce the idea that I’d like to see someone else?..or should I hold onto disclosing that for now? 

I’ve told him about my “guy” friend and that I stopped talking to him (as I was catching feelings for him) but recently missed him and started up talking to him again.The time apart has allowed me the clarity to know I really like my “guy” friend and want to see if we can work out. It’s just an awkward situation. I was planning to not tell my bf about my “guy” friend and just tell him my final speal...:” Hey I don’t want to disappoint you again but I’ve had time to reflect and I think I need a friend more than a lover right now. I have on and off episodes of depression and anxiety again. Just need to get my head straight and my mind focused & clear. I need space to focus on myself. I'm always here for you, you know that. I'm still lost and haven't gotten my s*** together.  I appreciate your support and encouragement as always. I’ve just been very anxious lately and I have a hard time sleeping- I know you’re coming down to visit. You’re still welcome to stay here but at the moment I cannot offer you anything more rn. My feelings keep getting mixed up because I just feel pressured to be what other ppl need me to be and I really need to focus on myself. I hope you can understand where I am coming from. “

I just don’t know how this relationship is going to proceed if I later tell him I am dating someone else. For him to say he will always be there is one thing but for me to tell him I am dating someone he knows of...I just don’t know how he will take it. I know I cannot be controlling how he feels after the fact but I still care for him very much. Am I being too worried by telling him the truth later on?...or should I just being upfront right now? I kind of want it to sound like I am single but then unexpectedly something happens..kind of keep it under wraps until I am sure about my guy friend and I, as we haven't dated yet but my interests have been made to him. At the same time I don’t want to give my bf hope we will end up together again. What would be the best course of action to take? Thanks! 

Edited February 26, 2020 by manifestsunshine

[JTSW]

You should be 100% honest with him.

Tell him that you no longer feel emotionally or romantically connected to him but you do care for him as a friend.

Then tell him that you have met someone that you do connect with in that way and that you would like to explore it.

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

Sorry to hear about your confusion and your situation. The overall arc of your story suggests that you cannot and do not establish clear boundaries. You said you broke your co-dependency issues after your current "bf" dumped you initially. I would argue from what you shared, that you do not. You would not have let him back in, especially as it sounds like he's not geographically close to you and you don't see him often, if you had healthy boundaries. That's not to say that every time someone takes an ex back it is a violation of healthy boundaries....but even not knowing why you two didn't work out the first time - it sounds like you don't have them. Why else would you still be letting him come and spend time with you, your family, and spend time with his family while you're feeling like you need to cut the chord permanently and go after this "friend". To be honest, if I were you, and trust me, I know this is cheap advice....I would cut the "bf" out and then actually stay single for a while. If the "friend" gets involved while you're focusing on yourself - that's unfortunate, but hey - that's also life. You said you care about your "bf" - but tbh - do you really care about him? Because sometimes caring about someone means doing what's best for them and it sounds like neither of you has healthy boundaries or relationship patterns and you could both use some time to work on yourselves BEFORE pursuing other people. People often use the "band-aid" analogy in a situation like this. I think it's appropriate, but I also think it doesn't necessarily bring enough "umph" to the discussion. So instead, think about this - imagine if we lived multiple lives....but we couldn't remember the previous ones. Like when we died, our spirits were re-born as babies - so there's no complete fear of death - because we know what happens after it...but we still lose our memories and we don't know who becomes who. If someone knew you were going to die and didn't tell you - how would you feel in that scenario? Sure, you know you're going to live but you wouldn't have time to close out and say goodbye to the people you love. That's you in this case. You're the doctor. You know the relationship is going to die - you're just refusing or debating to tell the patient (your "bf"). Is that fair to him? Is that caring about him? 

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, manifestsunshine said:

 I was planning to not tell my bf about my “guy” friend and just tell him my final speal...:” Hey I don’t want to disappoint you again but I’ve had time to reflect and I don't feel a romantic connection anymore, and feel it's better that we part way as a couple." think we are better friends than romantic partners. I need a friend more than a lover right now. I have on and off episodes of depression and anxiety again. Just need to get my head straight and my mind focused & clear. I need space to focus on myself. I'm always here for you, you know that. I'm still lost and haven't gotten my s*** together.  I appreciate your support and encouragement as always. I’ve just been very anxious lately and I have a hard time sleeping- I know you’re coming down to visit. You’re still welcome to stay here but at the moment I cannot offer you anything more rn. My feelings keep getting mixed up because I just feel pressured to be what other ppl need me to be and I really need to focus on myself. I hope you can understand where I am coming from. “

I would focus on the real message you want to deliver, and not over-explain yourself. Everything I crossed out is going to be interpreted as excuses or an open door to try again after you learn to manage your depression and anxiety. As it's not your intention to reconcile nor the truth that your depression and anxiety are driving you to be single - leave all of that out. 

I don't believe it's necessary right now to tell him you want to see this other guy. That too could make it sound as though you would stay if it weren't for your crush, and your boyfriend might hold out hope that you will back after a rebound relationship - just like he did to you.

Be honest that you no longer feel a romantic connection and don't think it's right to continue the relationship. I also would not offer for him to still come and visit you - that's a consolation prize you don't really want him taking you up on, do you?

[stillafool]

Well considering your bf left you for another girl and you let him return to you; just tell him it's your turn now but you don't know if you'll be back.

[kendahke]

Never take an ex back... the vessel that was your relationship was smashed into a trillion pieces and there's not a good enough glue in the world to help you return it to its unbroken, pristine condition.

That time in your life pre-break up is lost to the ethos forever and can't be reclaimed. Too much hurt, disappointment, healing and disgust has taken place.

Quote

 I know he will respect my decision but how do I introduce the idea that I’d like to see someone else?..or should I hold onto disclosing that for now? 

You don't. That's none of his business and he doesn't need to know the details of your life anymore. He made that choice to be left out of the loop when he dumped you.

[2BGoodAgain]

don't.

end it cleanly. being friends with him is possible, but it may take a very long time, depending on how he feels about you.

better to end it cleanly, honestly and brutally. tbh.

and they're right, he doesn't have a right to know anything after the relationship. that's your business, not his. proper boundaries.

[manifestsunshine]

On 2/26/2020 at 6:12 AM, JTSW said:

You should be 100% honest with him.

Tell him that you no longer feel emotionally or romantically connected to him but you do care for him as a friend.

Then tell him that you have met someone that you do connect with in that way and that you would like to explore it.

Thanks so much! I did convey what you mentioned but I took out the meeting someone else part. I'm not sure if it will work out with this person at the moment anyways. I also don't want to cause him more pain on top of what he already feels. I can tell he is very hurt but I had to listen to my intuition and do what was best for me. 

[manifestsunshine]

On 2/26/2020 at 7:51 AM, scooby-philly said:

Hey OP,

 

Sorry to hear about your confusion and your situation. The overall arc of your story suggests that you cannot and do not establish clear boundaries. You said you broke your co-dependency issues after your current "bf" dumped you initially. I would argue from what you shared, that you do not. You would not have let him back in, especially as it sounds like he's not geographically close to you and you don't see him often, if you had healthy boundaries. That's not to say that every time someone takes an ex back it is a violation of healthy boundaries....but even not knowing why you two didn't work out the first time - it sounds like you don't have them. Why else would you still be letting him come and spend time with you, your family, and spend time with his family while you're feeling like you need to cut the chord permanently and go after this "friend". To be honest, if I were you, and trust me, I know this is cheap advice....I would cut the "bf" out and then actually stay single for a while. If the "friend" gets involved while you're focusing on yourself - that's unfortunate, but hey - that's also life. You said you care about your "bf" - but tbh - do you really care about him? Because sometimes caring about someone means doing what's best for them and it sounds like neither of you has healthy boundaries or relationship patterns and you could both use some time to work on yourselves BEFORE pursuing other people. People often use the "band-aid" analogy in a situation like this. I think it's appropriate, but I also think it doesn't necessarily bring enough "umph" to the discussion. So instead, think about this - imagine if we lived multiple lives....but we couldn't remember the previous ones. Like when we died, our spirits were re-born as babies - so there's no complete fear of death - because we know what happens after it...but we still lose our memories and we don't know who becomes who. If someone knew you were going to die and didn't tell you - how would you feel in that scenario? Sure, you know you're going to live but you wouldn't have time to close out and say goodbye to the people you love. That's you in this case. You're the doctor. You know the relationship is going to die - you're just refusing or debating to tell the patient (your "bf"). Is that fair to him? Is that caring about him? 

Thank you for your advice! Yes, you're absolutely right I need better boundaries. I really love your analogy. Even though I was direct with him about not having romantic/emotional connection with him anymore he said maybe our paths will cross again in the future. I am distancing myself right now and even though this new person I like, I would prefer to stay single. I guess I always kept him in the loop because I was fine with being friends, but the scenario had changed once he re-pursued me. There's just a lot of hurt that arises when I think about our relationship in general so I'm really ready to move on. I'm just surrendering and having faith to make room for better things to come. 

[manifestsunshine]

On 2/26/2020 at 12:23 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

I would focus on the real message you want to deliver, and not over-explain yourself. Everything I crossed out is going to be interpreted as excuses or an open door to try again after you learn to manage your depression and anxiety. As it's not your intention to reconcile nor the truth that your depression and anxiety are driving you to be single - leave all of that out. 

I don't believe it's necessary right now to tell him you want to see this other guy. That too could make it sound as though you would stay if it weren't for your crush, and your boyfriend might hold out hope that you will back after a rebound relationship - just like he did to you.

Be honest that you no longer feel a romantic connection and don't think it's right to continue the relationship. I also would not offer for him to still come and visit you - that's a consolation prize you don't really want him taking you up on, do you?

Thank you! I totally agree and used your suggestion! I was pretty direct with him but he did mention maybe our paths will cross again. He mentioned he was angry and I understand his frustration but his feelings are valid. He says he has no reason to be mad but I see he is very hurt. He mentioned he will no longer pursue this relationship and will continue to work on himself. I was being as civil as possible.  I didn't mention the other guy and tbh I'm not sure if it'll work out. He will drop my stuff off at my house as I mentioned it's not a good time to see each other in person as we are both hurting right now. The irony is that I see him more as a best friend that I'm losing. It's a loss on both sides but he needs to heal as well. I already know it won't work out in the future, as my feelings can't be rekindled. 

[manifestsunshine]

On 2/26/2020 at 12:30 PM, stillafool said:

Well considering your bf left you for another girl and you let him return to you; just tell him it's your turn now but you don't know if you'll be back.

Very true! Thank you! Your point is valid and that is pretty much why I cannot go back to him as I feel like I am just the fall-back option. I was pretty straightforward that I have no more emotional/romantic attraction towards him so I put my foot down and hope he can respect my boundary.

[manifestsunshine]

On 2/26/2020 at 12:44 PM, kendahke said:

Never take an ex back... the vessel that was your relationship was smashed into a trillion pieces and there's not a good enough glue in the world to help you return it to its unbroken, pristine condition.

That time in your life pre-break up is lost to the ethos forever and can't be reclaimed. Too much hurt, disappointment, healing and disgust has taken place.

You don't. That's none of his business and he doesn't need to know the details of your life anymore. He made that choice to be left out of the loop when he dumped you.

Thank you! Yes, I resonate with your elaboration. I really had to listen to my intuition on this one as my feelings of intensity for him are gone. It's a feeling that I cannot ignore. 

You're right- I guess it'll take some time for me to recoup as the notion of keeping him in my life is gone. I know I cannot fully heal if he's constantly in the background. 

[manifestsunshine]

On 2/26/2020 at 12:46 PM, 2BGoodAgain said:

don't.

end it cleanly. being friends with him is possible, but it may take a very long time, depending on how he feels about you.

better to end it cleanly, honestly and brutally. tbh.

and they're right, he doesn't have a right to know anything after the relationship. that's your business, not his. proper boundaries.

Thank you! Yes, right now I cannot fathom being friends with him but I need time away from him. I think being friends can be possible but I just don't know how that works if I do end up with a boyfriend sooner than later. I don't know if it's healthy or a good idea to keep an ex in the background bc sometimes I do think it's disrespectful or suspicious to the new boyfriend. I read a quote that mentioned if you're still friends with an ex, you were never really in love or you still are in love. I care for him as a friend but my feelings are not there anymore. Right now I will distance myself and maybe reach out later. I just don't know when a good time would be to reach out- I just really don't think it's a good idea anytime soon.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, manifestsunshine said:

The irony is that I see him more as a best friend that I'm losing.

That's pretty common, actually. 

It's normal that you grew very close as friends as well, and the end of a relationship means the end of the friendship you once knew, too. It takes to adjust to not having your constant companion around, even if you don't harbour romantic feelings anymore. 

This is where you need to lean into other friendships and family relationships.  Focusing on those will help to heal the absence you feel, too. 

[DKT3]

As I read your opening post I kept thinking..."is she going to talk about the other guy in her life" and you did.

These situations are usually very transparent and predictable.  I believe you would absolutely stay in the relationship if you didn't believe you had a soft landing.  

I'm not saying you should stay in your current relationship,  I do believe you have absolutely no business jumping into another relationship.  

How about you just be single? 

[Redhead14]

12 hours ago, manifestsunshine said:

hope he can respect my boundary.

Sweetie, that's going to be pretty hard for him to do since you took him back after he treated you like a door mat once already.  The key is for YOU to ENFORCE your boundary.  You can do that by being honest with him and definitive.  Tell him you're moving on, wish him well, then block, delete, forget, forever.  None of this "remaining friends" stuff.  All that does is keep each of your emotions in limbo.  Pick up the door mat and close the door once and for all.

[Highndry]

I don't believe in staying friends with exes, period. No guy likes to date a woman who's still friends with her ex. You slept with him. Your following boyfriends will always know that. They don't want to deal with that guy. Do everybody a favor - just cut the cord and go your separate ways.

[manifestsunshine]

On 3/4/2020 at 11:35 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

That's pretty common, actually. 

It's normal that you grew very close as friends as well, and the end of a relationship means the end of the friendship you once knew, too. It takes to adjust to not having your constant companion around, even if you don't harbour romantic feelings anymore. 

This is where you need to lean into other friendships and family relationships.  Focusing on those will help to heal the absence you feel, too. 

Thank you! I definitely agree with your perspective. What helps me is to remember I lived a whole year without him after he broke up with me initially. Just having faith that what is meant for me will find me and feel just right. I need to make myself a priority again. 

[manifestsunshine]

On 3/4/2020 at 11:48 PM, DKT3 said:

As I read your opening post I kept thinking..."is she going to talk about the other guy in her life" and you did.

These situations are usually very transparent and predictable.  I believe you would absolutely stay in the relationship if you didn't believe you had a soft landing.  

I'm not saying you should stay in your current relationship,  I do believe you have absolutely no business jumping into another relationship.  

How about you just be single? 

Thank you! Yes, I agree I should remain single. I believe this other guy was a catalyst for coming to the conclusion that my ex wasn't the right one. I have been single for a year before my ex came back into the picture so I do feel like I've healed and have completely detached myself from him emotionally. Things just didn't feel right- I thought that was what I wanted initially to get back together but I guess it sounded better in my head than what transpired in reality. I became emotionally attached to this new person but I understand I need to focus on myself again. I definitely need to make myself a priority again and not rush into anything...and actually get to know someone for a while before committing.

[manifestsunshine]

On 3/5/2020 at 5:18 AM, Redhead14 said:

Sweetie, that's going to be pretty hard for him to do since you took him back after he treated you like a door mat once already.  The key is for YOU to ENFORCE your boundary.  You can do that by being honest with him and definitive.  Tell him you're moving on, wish him well, then block, delete, forget, forever.  None of this "remaining friends" stuff.  All that does is keep each of your emotions in limbo.  Pick up the door mat and close the door once and for all.

Thank you! I haven't spoken to him since so I feel a lot of relief. I have gotten past the notion of remaining friends and am moving forward. I really do not see myself with him in the future so it'll be best for both of us to part ways out of respect for a future significant other. 

[manifestsunshine]

On 3/6/2020 at 10:57 PM, Highndry said:

I don't believe in staying friends with exes, period. No guy likes to date a woman who's still friends with her ex. You slept with him. Your following boyfriends will always know that. They don't want to deal with that guy. Do everybody a favor - just cut the cord and go your separate ways.

Thank you for your perspective. I resonate with your notion. Even boyfriends don't like you having your own guy friends either. It's hard to fully establish trust these days. I recently made a guy friend and we are like best friends now. We are strictly platonic and I just don't know how any future boyfriend would take this. My boundaries with him are strict and he knows it and respects it. 

[DKT3]

In a true friendship you don't have to have strict boundaries. While you see him as a platonic friend,  he (and you clearly have a clue of this, thus the boundaries) sees a possibility of more. Unfortunately,  that is the dynamic of the vast majority of male female friendships,  one wants friendship the other wants friendship with the possibility of more.

[Mystery4u]

10 hours ago, manifestsunshine said:

 I recently made a guy friend and we are like best friends now. We are strictly platonic and I just don't know how any future boyfriend would take this. My boundaries with him are strict and he knows it and respects it. 

Either he finds you 100% unattractive (I will assume you are at least a decent looking girl so I doubt it) or he is friends with you because he hopes that more will develop. Otherwise you would not need to put 'strict boundaries', as mentioned.

As for any future boyfriend, well he would become your best friend by default, so this 'new best guy friend' would need to be dropped like a hot potato. And you shouldn't hesitate to do so.

[manifestsunshine]

4 hours ago, DKT3 said:

In a true friendship you don't have to have strict boundaries. While you see him as a platonic friend,  he (and you clearly have a clue of this, thus the boundaries) sees a possibility of more. Unfortunately,  that is the dynamic of the vast majority of male female friendships,  one wants friendship the other wants friendship with the possibility of more.

Thank you for expanding on this! He is the one who actually keeps calling me the friend and saying we are just friends...yada yada. He is single btw. I honestly never had a guy friend that wanted to only be platonic with me, so in hindsight, this never worked out. His friends think it's weird when we all hang out together that we are just friends, so I am sort of picking up other feels from them. I am not uncomfortable and he doesn't make it seem like we are a couple at all, so I don't get that vibe with him at all. I actually met his at a club and we usually meet up weekly to go dance. We dance facing each other and it sort of worked in my favor as he protects me from most men and I adultsit him as he drinks..and make sure he gets home safe. The fact that we dance near each other but not together, a lot of people are unsure about what is going on. Some guys still ask to dance with me bc we technically do our own thing but are in front of each other. It's funny to say the least and older women come up to talk to both of us to understand what is going on. They like watching him as he dances plastered on the floor.

In the end if he tries to pursue me I will just have to cut him off. I know how to detach myself from others if I need to. I had to do it with another guy friend that became too touchy feely and he had a fiance. I don't really trust anyone 100% anymore so I just have to keep my guard up and trust my gut. I know I need to start making more girl friends but it's been a tough road as I am older now- most friends are married, busy, have kids or are career-focused; so I've been having to manage and go about my own way. 

[manifestsunshine]

4 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Either he finds you 100% unattractive (I will assume you are at least a decent looking girl so I doubt it) or he is friends with you because he hopes that more will develop. Otherwise you would not need to put 'strict boundaries', as mentioned.

As for any future boyfriend, well he would become your best friend by default, so this 'new best guy friend' would need to be dropped like a hot potato. And you shouldn't hesitate to do so.

Thank you for your elaboration! Yes, I had not been able to have any guy friends usually bc of this.  He is the only one right now as guys usually like me more than friends. I am just keeping my distance and if he tries to pursue me for more than I will have to cut him off. He keeps saying how he's never had a friend like me before...he always calls me friend and I reciprocate. I see him as a brother more than anything. It's been strange but somehow this is working out (for now at least). There's no flirting, I don't touch him, I don't really talk to him about personal issues, there is no emotional connection..he's just a buddy to play soccer/bball/party with..he's a phone call away to just go and hang out last minute so I can rely on him to do things with. Usually if I have a boyfriend I become super attached and put friends on the back-burner and I'm sure he would understand if that's the case or leave. I'd be OK if he left. He will be leaving the country anyways within a few years so I have already accepted the fact he won't be here permanently and I am OK with that. I'm just enjoying the moment and the time we share together for now. At the same time I know I need to be making other friends that secure a more permanent structure in my life but it's been hard to do that as my friends are busy, have families, kids or are career-focused. I am focusing more on things and activities that I like to do and am having faith that I will meet more people along that way at these events.