Ex contacted me 11 months after breakup. Any insight?

[PunishedEx]

Hey guys

I came here a few months back when I was riding that crazy breakup roller-coaster. Wouldn't say I'm 100% but probably 90% there. 

 

To summarize dated a girl LD, saw each other every 2 weeks. Was great then after about 8 months she went cold and after about a month of things not being right she ended it. 

 

I took it bad, there was no meanness or nasty Ness, I was very sad but we never got angry. Other then 1 or 2 moments soon after where I asked if we could try again and she declined I blocked and tried to love on. 

 

I had 1 or two breaks of NC over the last 11 months but nothing major. 2 days of talking then me saying I'm sorry I couldn't do it and cutting contact again. 

 

In that time I started getting my s*** together, back to college, dating casually. Almost got serious with a girl (we actually bonded about breakups since she was going through a tough one too) but we haven't made it official, we're both still not sure if we right for each other. 

 

Anyway, important part. After little over 11 months I open my laptop and see a message from her. "Hey haven't talked to you in ages. How are you? How's your dad?". Obviously a big shock, I took a few hours before I replied. I felt like I shouldn't but I knew I could be careful about it. 

 

In full honesty I would be interested in at least meeting her and hanging out to see if a reconciliation is a possibility. She was my first love and I've learned a lot since the breakup. But at the same time I'm not going to risk the progress I made. So I chatted to her for a bit. Usual catching up stuff, she said how she missed Ireland and the friends (didn't mention missing me). 

 

The thing I'm curious about from you guys, how much should I read into this? Last time we talked I told her we couldn't be friends and she understood. Near the end of the RS our Facebook chats she would only reply every so often and keep it short, but this catch up she was replying quickly and in long chunks. I'd take some time to reply but after 2 days her replies seemed shorter. Ended with her just sending a short message and I replied, didn't try to force more conversation out of it. And it's been like that for 2 days. 

 

What I wanna try figure out, or at least guess is the most likely reason, what was that about? Seems strange to initiate contact, chat lots but then just let it die? Was there anything behind that or was she legit just wondering how I was? This normal behaviour from someone that regrets a breakup? Or was it just that, a catchup? Seems very strange to me

 

*DISCLAIMER: I know you guys aren't mind readers. I know she's the only one that knows why she messaged. I know that blocking her and moving on is objectively the correct thing to do. I've been quiet cautious. Chatted to her just as a friend, let the conversation end when she ended it. Haven't stalked. I'm just curious, please join me in speculating, I enjoy it*

[assertives]

 

1 hour ago, PunishedEx said:

Seems strange to initiate contact, chat lots but then just let it die?

Frankly, there's nothing strange about this. I guess you are still young. When you get older, you'll realize that that's how majority of friendships go. Life gets in the way and you guys grow apart, then every once in awhile, you poke them and shoot a "how are you" message.

Sounds like a regular catch up and sounds like you are reading way too much into this. 

[PunishedEx]

You'd be correct. I'm pretty young and it was my first relationship. I'm used to that with friends, lose contact and then catch up over a while etc. 

 

Thought it might be different with someone that you used to love though? I know it's how life is and not unusual to go from saying "I love you" and sleeping next to someone, to never talking. I suppose you're right that there doesn't have to be meaning behind it. I know the most likely answer is that she was just bored or curious but the conversation seemed to just start then die. 

 

I guess it's because I had hoped for any sort of communication for about 9 long months. And when I'd started to move on with life she pops back up. Given our history of dating, being "in love" and then basically becoming strangers, I can't really understand why reestablishing contact could be a good idea unless she wanted something out of it. 

 

It was tough on the 2 of us, but obviously a lot more so on me. 

 

Looking back I suppose you're right actually. I had sent a "Happy birthday, hope you've been well" text about 3 months ago. I guess this was just a similar thing from her side. Shame, it had gotten my hopes up a bit, but I was smart in not fighting to keep the conversation going. It was nice to know I was remembered though

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, PunishedEx said:

And it's been like that for 2 days.

If she was interested in "re-kindling" the relationship, she would not let 2 days pass to communicate with you.

Personally, I don't communicate with ex-girlfriends for "catching up", if they want to get back together they need to make that known and fairly quickly.  I don't wish to be a "pen pal" with an ex, and I don't want to be friends with an ex, either.

No benefit to communicating with this ex, keep moving forward, you're doing great!!

Just my two cents.

[Marc878]

Responding to breadcrumbs just pulls you back in and gives up headspace.

you haven’t learned yet.

[ExpatInItaly]

She might be going through a dating dry spell and was looking for a little distraction or attention. Perhaps she was hoping you would ask to see her. 

But if she - as the dumper - isn't mature enough to come out and tell you what she wants, any sort of reconciliation wouldn't long-lived anyway. 

[JTSW]

I agree with expat.

It sounds like she just hit you up because she had some time on her hands.

You were a distraction that she got bored with again after a while.

You should block her.

[PunishedEx]

10 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

No benefit to communicating with this ex, keep moving forward, you're doing great!! 

Thanks! 

I knew there was no real benefit, like I mentioned it was more curiosity then anything. Honestly regardless of the reason it made me feel better. 

 

One of the toughest things I grappled with after the breakup was how easily forgotten I seemed to be. Even if it's just fishing nonsense the fact that she decided to message me felt good. 

 

I done a lot of evaluation of my state before I replied. I was cautious not to get roped in. Its only set me back as far as I'm wondering what it was about, but the hardcore pining and sadness isn't there. 

 

Im still focused on myself and my work. 

[PunishedEx]

9 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Responding to breadcrumbs just pulls you back in and gives up headspace.

you haven’t learned yet.

I'd agree I haven't learned fully yet. It's a problem with me, I don't have a huge circle of friends but the people I am friends with I'm very close to. 

I've always struggled of letting go of someone I'm close to, even friends I was once close to but we both knew we didn't really vibe anymore. 

There was also some guilt on my part. Even by her aission she treated me kinda poorly by the end but after months of reflection I realized I made mistakes too. And she lost friends over the breakup (my friends are close to me and also cut her out to make it easier on me). I didn't ask them to, I even told her I didn't have any right to tell her or them who they can and can't be friends with. 

But still, I felt somewhat guilty for how that all went down so ignoring her, though probably best for me, seemed kinda harsh. There was no hatred, and I was very curious. 

No harm done so far. It's been 3 days and I really don't believe I'll hear from her again. That's why I'm posting, I won't get an answer out of her so I just wanted to speculate with people. 

Im also on mid term break and bored 😁

[PunishedEx]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She might be going through a dating dry spell and was looking for a little distraction or attention. Perhaps she was hoping you would ask to see her. 

But if she - as the dumper - isn't mature enough to come out and tell you what she wants, any sort of reconciliation wouldn't long-lived anyway. 

Thanks for the reply. 

 

That's how I'd looked at it. Regardless of my curiosity I know that I can't build anything. Ball is in her court entirely. It was likely what you mentioned, things didn't work out with a guy, now she's sentimental for a few days over the weekend. 

The new week has started and she's just back to normal. 

It is what it is

[JTSW]

12 hours ago, PunishedEx said:

Dated a girl LD, saw each other every 2 weeks. Was great then after about 8 months she went cold and after about a month of things not being right she ended it. 

She obviously met someone else.

[PunishedEx]

56 minutes ago, JTSW said:

She obviously met someone else.

Correct.

We ha  a fight and she jumped ship to someone else. 

When she contacted me I done a quick fb lookup and she's no longer friends with that guy on fb. So pretty sure it ended. 

Trying to figure out if she just feeling loneliness right now, or regret too. 

My bet is on just loneliness. Strange, few months after the BU I was bummed when I found out because she was happy with someone and I was alone. But I spent my time alone thinking a lot and trying to make big changes. Started seeing a councilor, going to the gym, back to college. 

 

Now I'm seeing someone and I'm quiet happy. Just to be clear it's an open relationship atm, we're very honest with each other. I told the girl I'm seeing my ex messaged me before I even read the message so I'm not leading her on. She's also had some trouble with her ex contacting her a few months ago and we discussed it.

I know it's not a competition to see who's the happiest. It's just interesting to see how much things can change. I didn't think I'd ever recover, was sure I was just cursed and my ex would live this happy wonderful life while I lost the only person I ever cared for. Now I kinda feel bad for her, she's not a bad person obviously. But I think when it comes to dating she has some Immaturities. She has a history of dating someone, falling for them hard and then getting bored and breaking up. Happened with me, the guy before me and now the guy after me. 

This is another reason I thought it'd be too mean to just ignore. Im in a good place and (I'm just guessing) she might not be. I remember how much I wanted to talk to someone after my BU so if talking to her makes her feel a bit better I don't mind. And I think it's natural for the dumpee to be curious like this. It gives me some perspective on how far I've come 

Edited February 26, 2020 by PunishedEx
Accidental CAPS

[Highndry]

It's pretty easy to handle these sorts of things. You don't chit chat if a dumper contacts you. You do one of two things, you either ignore them completely, which I would do, or you ask them point blank "why are you contacting me?" Why waste time trying to guess what's really going on?

Further, why on earth would you jeopardize your current situation for a woman who dumped you after she found another guy? You must be a glutton for punishment. She will do the same thing to you again.