xMM broke NC on Valentines Day

[NomiMalone]

After 4 or so months of diligent stone cold NC with xMM, I received a gift from him in the mail on Valentines Day. (Prior to NC, we’d been in LC, following a passionate but tumultuous A where I left him literally around 15 times and then always allowed him to wrangle his way back into my life, before finally implementing NC by blocking him.)

True to his form, the card he sent with the gift wasn’t an actual Valentines card, just a generic card with a photo of a beach on the front. There was also no acknowledgement of Valentines Day in his message inside the card. (He was always unwaveringly firm about putting me in my “OW” place like that, probably mainly to manage my expectations - wouldn’t want me developing any illusions that I was anything more than a side piece, and side pieces don’t deserve a proper Valentines card with hearts on it!)

Truth is that, during the months of NC, not a day went by where I didn’t think of him, and hope that he’d come back for me - with news he was leaving his M. Every day after work, I’d rush to check the letter box for any thing from him. By the time Valentines Day had rolled around, I’d almost given up all hope, when the gift turned up. When I opened the card, I literally cried, with I don’t know... relief, happiness, hope? My life in the months of NC had felt grey and dull, like I was trapped in a bubble of depression while all around me, everyone else was going forward with their lives, having fun and being happy. I was functional, but I just wasn’t happy. Some days were worse than others. There were so many tears. 

I should’ve seen the Valentines gift as what it was - a giant breadcrumb, nothing more, and not swayed from my steadfast NC. But I stupidly unblocked him on my phone and began a conversation with him, and when he asked me out for lunch, I said yes, hoping that maybe this would be the day he’d tell me that he’d decided to leave his M. Turns out that not only is he not leaving, but he’d taken his W and their 2 kids to France and Spain for Christmas. A guy who “is no longer in love with his W”, as he claimed so many times, just does not take her away on a holiday! 

I feel so ashamed of having let him back in my life at the drop of a hat only to be played for a fool, and of having wasted 4 months of NC. I DID know better and yet I messaged him anyway! Ughhhhh!! 

I guess I’m not here to ask for advice - I already know I was an idiot. I’m just venting really, and to add yet another OW story that ended badly to this board, as a caution to other OW. MM - they just never ever leave their marriages. They’ll string you along with breadcrumbs, which become less and less as you get more and more attached to him, until one day you wake up and wonder how you ended up accepting so little to keep him in your life, how you’ve allowed yourself to sink so low. Whatever stage of the affair you’re in, just get out. You deserve better from yourself. It NEVER gets better. It just gets worse.

[heartwhole2]

I can understand why you feel foolish, but I don't think your time in NC was wasted. You might still be hoping and waiting if you hadn't seen his gesture for what it is. You've made a lot of progress.

[JTSW]

On 2/26/2020 at 8:43 AM, NomiMalone said:

He’d taken his W and their 2 kids to France and Spain for Christmas.

This doesn't sound like an unhappily married man.

This sounds like a content husband and father.

Put the block back on and delete his number so you can't unblock him in a moment of weakness.

[NomiMalone]

Thanks everyone for your replies. It’s been a week since I began NC again. This time round, I can honestly say I’m genuinely ready. All the previous decisions to go NC were made mainly with my head, but this time, I feel like I’m making the decision with my heart. I no longer really feel anything for him except feelings to do with disappointment, guilt and shame. There’s only so much heartache someone can take, and enough is enough. He’s disappointed me way too many times by stringing me along with pathetic crumbs. Nothing is ever going to change. I am DONE. I believe that in time, I might even come to hate him.

@S2B - I hope his W leaves him, and finds a man way more deserving of her. She’s younger than both he and I (early 30s, I think). I can imagine she would’ve been like me when I first met him - completely charmed by his charisma and conversation, the way he goes to the ends of the earth to help people, and how capable he is around the house etc and as a breadwinner. He would’ve seemed like the perfect husband. I remember thinking that the best thing in the world would be to be loved by him. Believe me it was really really hard to look past those qualities of his to accept that he is in actual fact, a lying, cold, manipulative cheater. I really think that’s a huge reason why it’s taken me so long to let him go.

@heartwhole2, thanks for the kind, insightful words, they really made me feel a lot better. It’s true that when I saw him again to find out that nothing about his circumstances had changed, it killed the tiny bit of hope left in me, and gave me a sense of closure. It was like the final nail in the coffin because it made me realise there was no longer any ambiguity about whether he had any intentions to leave his M, regardless of all his talk  (probably lies) about how unhappy he and his W are.

@JTSW - agree. He tried to play down the trip by mentioning that they shared an Air BnB with W’s sister and her partner in Barcelona, but they still went to France alone as a family, and spent most of their time in Paris (the city of romance), so I’m not buying it. Someone on the brink of a separation does not take their W to Paris! He also tried to confuse/gaslight me by bringing up the fact that at the beginning of the A, I hadn’t really cared about whether he left his M or not. It just made me angry.