How Long to Stay in Unhappy Marriage

[Lou_Reid]

Hello, I've been having marriage problems for 2 years. We are married with a young daughter. 

The problems started with my husband being very distant and distracted, he stopped wanting to have sex or touch me. I didn't get much support or attention through my pregnancy but I'm the type to get on with it without really complaining so I ignored his distant behaviour for a while. I started to get suspicious so I went looking for evidence of anything that would explain why he suddenly lost interest in me. I found he was on adult websites for meeting strangers for sex. He said he hadn't met anyone, I believe this because he never left the house or made extra effort with his appearance. He said he wouldn't do it again. I then found out he had a female friend he had been sexting. As far as I'm aware it was older messages from when he was going online but I was upset he hadn't disclosed the extent of what he was doing and the fact she was still a facebook friend. I lost my temper and let out a lot of the anger and hurt which I don't usually do. I'm angry I have to explain why its inappropriate to still keep some contact with people he's been unfaithful with. I do count the extent of his actions as cheating.

I booked a counsellor for us and we got so far before he would stop sharing. He wouldn't properly explain why he distanced himself or went online for other  women. His unwillingness to explain really upset me as it appeared he was ignoring what he did.

I finally found out he had been sexually assaulted by an older child when he was about 9. It happened a few times but he has blocked out a lot of the details. He got flashbacks about these episodes at the same time he started to distance himself from me. I believe it is the reason he went online. I can understand it has affected his adult behaviour and he wasn't able to share what happened or explain why he was acting differently. 

Since then nothing has improved in our marriage. I know the reason why things went downhill but I still feel upset by them, we're still left with a massive divide. We don't have any intimacy and I no longer want to be intimate. Whether its justified or not I still have resentment over the last 2 years of neglect. He quit a stressful job, even though he has a new one now he was out of work for 10 months. He didn't try to get anything like bar work until he found one in his career. It was just expected i would take care of everything while he stepped back from life. 

I'm not sure how much I love him, I regret the marriage. I hope with time and after he settles in his new job he will be happier and able to live more. We will be able to build up our relationship again.

Has anyone managed to get back from these feelings?  

[JTSW]

Hi Lou-Reid,

He needs counselling on his own. 

He needs help addressing and coming to terms with his past trauma.

If he refuses this, then there isn't much that can be done.

I needs to want to do this for himself. 

[schlumpy]

You talked about his mental health but not his physical health. Is he capable of having sex and if you say yes, how would you know? A good physical and lab workup with you whispering in the doctor's ear about his behavioral change might find something.

From what you described it feels as if he wants out of the marriage but does not have the courage to pull the trigger. Instead he is passively pushing you towards that end hoping you will get fed up and do it for him. 

Something has changed for him and I don't buy the assault at nine years old. How does that make you go looking outside your marriage for sex? 

If you push him about his interest in you he will probably say that "he loves you just not in the same way."  OR he may explain how he has to discover who he is through other people.

It's takes two to rekindle the flame and that leaves just you. Your daughter is a brake on the process but not a complete stop.

Your best move right now is to keep yourself open to saving your marriage but start putting yourself in a better place financially, mentally and physically to face up to what may be inevitable.

Continue counseling if you can.

[mark clemson]

On 2/26/2020 at 1:22 AM, Lou_Reid said:

 I do count the extent of his actions as cheating.

I know the reason why things went downhill but I still feel upset by them, we're still left with a massive divide. We don't have any intimacy and I no longer want to be intimate. Whether its justified or not I still have resentment over the last 2 years of neglect.

I'm not sure how much I love him, I regret the marriage. I hope with time and after he settles in his new job he will be happier and able to live more. We will be able to build up our relationship again. Has anyone managed to get back from these feelings?  

All the below is just IMO:

In a perfect world, marriages would never need "work". We don't live in a perfect world and it sounds like your marriage needs quite a bit of work.

You are a BS. As such, you need to figure out whether you can and truly wish to reconcile. That's your prerogative AND if you wish the marriage to continue in some satisfactory form, it's work that you need to do.

Assuming you do wish to reconcile, you both need to work on bridging the emotional and physical divide. You need to wish to do so and be willing to do the work (of actively connecting, communicating, loving) to accomplish it. Your husband also has to do all that and more. He has to make the effort to ensure he won't stray again and to actively ensure you feel emotionally safe with him going forward. You may need to convince him of this and explain his role.

A marriage is ultimately a decision by two people to continue it. If both of them wish to continue, it can survive virtually anything (although it may not always be particularly fun or pleasant). If either partner genuinely decides they are done, then it's over (or at best a house of cards). In a situation like that, only convincing one or both partners to genuinely recommit to the marriage will get it back on track. That often involves a lot of rebuilding - trust, emotional connection, intimacy, etc. Since people aren't likely to want to stay in an unpleasant situation, it also means rediscovering the joy, fun, laughter, etc that you once had.

All that is certainly a lot easier said than done.

[pepperbird]

On 2/27/2020 at 4:32 PM, mark clemson said:

All the below is just IMO:

In a perfect world, marriages would never need "work". We don't live in a perfect world and it sounds like your marriage needs quite a bit of work.

You are a BS. As such, you need to figure out whether you can and truly wish to reconcile. That's your prerogative AND if you wish the marriage to continue in some satisfactory form, it's work that you need to do.

Assuming you do wish to reconcile, you both need to work on bridging the emotional and physical divide. You need to wish to do so and be willing to do the work (of actively connecting, communicating, loving) to accomplish it. Your husband also has to do all that and more. He has to make the effort to ensure he won't stray again and to actively ensure you feel emotionally safe with him going forward. You may need to convince him of this and explain his role.

A marriage is ultimately a decision by two people to continue it. If both of them wish to continue, it can survive virtually anything (although it may not always be particularly fun or pleasant). If either partner genuinely decides they are done, then it's over (or at best a house of cards). In a situation like that, only convincing one or both partners to genuinely recommit to the marriage will get it back on track. That often involves a lot of rebuilding - trust, emotional connection, intimacy, etc. Since people aren't likely to want to stay in an unpleasant situation, it also means rediscovering the joy, fun, laughter, etc that you once had.

All that is certainly a lot easier said than done.

This is all excellent advice and well thought out, but it may have to be put on t he back burner.
This husband's first step is to teach his wife that she can trust him again. If that doesn't happen, then none of the re connection will work. That will come from things like him being open in his communication, attending counselling sessions and participating as much as he can, pass words shared, accountability, no blame shifting or rug sweeping and none of the "it's not that bad" to his wife.

This is so important because if the OP doesn't feel safe with her husband, she won't be able to rebuild the emotional connection. He has to show her she can count on him. I once heard that an affair can strafe a marriage, leaving is flat and needed to be rebuilt. For that to happen, it needs a solid foundation. It's kind of like treating the relationship as if it's brand new- no on e should trust a stranger 100 percent- that happens over time.