Passion Is Gone // I'm Hurt by His Neglect

[Neirn]

Hello LoveShack users, this is my first post on here. I've been struggling in my relationship with my fiance. We dated on and off for about three years and decided to move forward with our relationship February 1st of last year, when he proposed to me.

Throughout our dating, we never could keep our hands off of one another. Although at the time we never had sex, we would get each other hot and bothered when we cuddled and tussled in bed. He was everything I wanted. Handsome, intelligent, strong, and very charming. After the first few years I quickly flew to the top of the list as his best friend. He said he told me things he didn't tell anyone else, even people he was friends with since high school (he was 30 at the time.) that he had known more than 3x longer than myself. We would frequently go get ice cream and just talk in his car for hours. We both got to unwind and just relax.

Before we made things serious I was still figuring out what (and who) I wanted in my life. It seems silly now, I knew he was the one. A big problem we had was when we met I didn't want children. I never saw myself in that role. My parents weren't there for me and I felt very uncomfortable with the idea of raising my own. I hadn't even had the chance to be a kid growing up and I guess I resented seeing happy families having what I never did. Around the end of the third year I had come to an real growth of maturity and I realized what I wanted was to be with him. We clicked like nobody else I've ever been with. Most of my past loves ended almost as fast as they began, I never had a relationship over a year. With him we were three years in and the passion was still so intense. He even brought up putting his dreams of being a father aside if that meant we could be together. I thought he was joking (I later found out he wasn't) and told him I would never expect him to give that up, he'd be a great father. I told him how I felt, how I could see us lasting forever, how he had made me finally want a family. I'd never though I'd be saying those words. Thing is, he had already planned a date with someone in the upcoming week. I was upset, very upset, but I couldn't stop him. I just decided all of this, it wasn't fair to expect him to drop everything for me. So he went. I didn't contact him for 2 weeks after that. I figured he would let me know if he wanted to pursue this.

He contacted me. He told me he wanted to take it slow, and start all over again. I was okay with that. In the following weeks, he introduced me to his friends and family, stayed the night at his house, and we finally had intercourse all for the first time. About a month or two in, he proposed. I had gotten him a gaming computer for Christmas and he was gaming instead of paying attention to me. Naturally I'm a brat and joked about him just ignoring me. He jumped up, said "You know what?!" In a playful tone, started digging in his closet and came back with a ring. He just stood in front of me, as I waited for him to ask, or say....anything. Finally I said, "Are you asking me?" He responded, "Well I was, now I'm not so sure." He had gotten discouraged because I was questioning his intent. It was the most awkward thing, but he can be a little bit out of tune with social norms sometimes. I said, "Of course I will marry you." We embraced and it was exciting. 

The following months our intimacy waned. When we did have sex, I had to initiate. I had to do most of the work as well. He'd be on top for maybe 7 to 10 minutes each time and I had to take over for the entirety after. There wasn't much foreplay and when he finished that was it. He was tired and rolled over to go to sleep. I'm very difficult to get there but I'd like him to at least play with me a little even if he can't make me orgasm. We had sex then maybe every other week, sometimes less. Then I got pregnant. I told him I though I was because I hadn't had my period. I took a test at his house, sure enough I was. When I confirmed it with him, he didn't get super excited like I expected. He said, okay, i have to drive you home so let's get your stuff ready. On the drive I asked if he was okay. He was really quiet. He said, "Of course, I'm happy. I'm just processing all this. It's raining and now I have two lives I need to worry about." He gets like this sometimes, super serious and closed in. 

The intimacy got even worse throughout the pregnancy. I didnt get super big at all. Some people even said I didn't look pregnant when I was almost full term. I thought maybe he was just stressed out. He had been fixing up the house getting it ready for our child. The property was family owned and he was fixing stuff that had needed to be fixed for a while. 

When we had her the 8th of January we were of course ecstatic. She was beautiful and we finally started our family. At this time we hadn't had sex since the end of November. Now it's almost March, still nothing. After our baby he started talking about buying a sex doll. As if we already didnt have a problem. I am still trying to be supportive though and said if that's what he would like then he should start looking for one. I even gave him input on what I thought of the girl dolls he was looking at. I expressed I was worried about him having sex with the doll instead of me. He said that's ridiculous. I was given the clear to have sex again last week...he hasn't shown much interest in trying.

I love him but we have had multiple talks about this issue and it's not getting better. It's still one sided, it's still me doing most of the work. He equates it to having a hard time staying hard but he can obtain and keep an erection through oral, just not intercourse. 

I've cried a lot over this. He once said his type was petite women. He even commented during sex once that I was harder to have sex with because he couldn't flip me like his petite exes. That hurt. I'm not fat, I am tall and have wide hips and shoulders. I'm not petite by any means. Ive even been in lingerie in front of him as a surprise when he got home and he didnt react at all. When I was upset we didnt have sex either he said I didn't seem like i was in the mood. What?! We've had talks where I was very emotional where I asked if it was me, and if he had sex with someone else if it would be easier for him. He said no it's something to do with him and it's not my fault. I'm at the point where I've stopped asking for intercourse because I'm getting tired of his lack of initiative to change anything. I don't know what to do. 

 

[Pleasant-Sage]

Why anyone would want a sex doll while they are married is beyond crazy.

You're marriage is very broken. It's going to take some kind of counseling to get it on track if that's even possible. 

I'm sure your husband has some good qualities but he overall is a very terrible husband. I know why you married him (believed in the dream of having a happily ever after) but not sure why he went ahead and married you.

You sound like you need to do some soul searching of your own and take care of your needs before it tears you apart. I'm not talking about cheating or finding a new man.

Just figure out what you believe in and make some goals for you and your family. Tell your husband what has to happen because you are not happy. If your happiness isn't just as important to him as his own then he is not worth being married to.

If you can't work something out, you're either stuck being miserable in a hopeless marriage that ends up with him cheating on you (if he hasn't already) or you figure out a way to forge your own path to happiness without him.

Him cheating could you ending up with an STD or cervical cancer from an std going undetected.

Something to think about.

[stillafool]

Is he still using the sex doll?  Aren't they expensive?

[Neirn]

36 minutes ago, Pleasant-Sage said:

Why anyone would want a sex doll while they are married is beyond crazy.

You're marriage is very broken. It's going to take some kind of counseling to get it on track if that's even possible. 

I'm sure your husband has some good qualities but he overall is a very terrible husband. I know why you married him (believed in the dream of having a happily ever after) but not sure why he went ahead and married you.

You sound like you need to do some soul searching of your own and take care of your needs before it tears you apart. I'm not talking about cheating or finding a new man.

Just figure out what you believe in and make some goals for you and your family. Tell your husband what has to happen because you are not happy. If your happiness isn't just as important to him as his own then he is not worth being married to.

If you can't work something out, you're either stuck being miserable in a hopeless marriage that ends up with him cheating on you (if he hasn't already) or you figure out a way to forge your own path to happiness without him.

Him cheating could you ending up with an STD or cervical cancer from an std going undetected.

Something to think about.

He is good to me in every other way. My happiness is important to him. He cooks dinner most nights, makes sure to call me during his 30 minute lunches at work to check up on me, and he texts me throughout the day. He opens doors for me and I know he loves me...he just doesn't fulfill me intimately. We've talked countless times about it and it gets better for a month then falls into the same pit as before. He is an amazing guy. He wouldn't cheat on me. I trust that at least...but I've tried everything under the rainbow to turn him on and it's like I'm chop liver. Lol. A sex doll is a kink to him he always wanted to explore. So I guess that's one of the reasons he wanted one. When I was really accepting about it he was stunned. He said his past girlfriends made fun of different kinks he had. He said he felt able to be more open with me sexually now...like i had be denying his needs or bashing him. 😕

[Neirn]

32 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Is he still using the sex doll?  Aren't they expensive?

He hasn't bought one yet. They're really expensive. He wants a realistic one. They're around $400 plus.

[stillafool]

Yeah I saw this show or something on them years ago.  They are delivered in a huge wooden crate.  They look real and scary to me.  You get to customize them into the girl you want.  Really scary stuff.  It's like having a corpse in the closet. LOL.  

[Neirn]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yeah I saw this show or something on them years ago.  They are delivered in a huge wooden crate.  They look real and scary to me.  You get to customize them into the girl you want.  Really scary stuff.  It's like having a corpse in the closet. LOL.  

Yeah...I talked to him about that too. I asked, "I dont want our daughter to see it. Where will we hide it??" We discussed getting a mini one...but those all look like little girls and he didn't like that...neither do I. I mean we just had a daughter. 

[preraph]

Sounds like you guys need to go to a marriage counselor who specializes in sexual issues.  Maybe he can't do it well because of porn use . I mean, like you said, it's all about oral to him, and there's oral in pretty much ever porn film but a lot LESS of it in real life with women who are not paid prostitutes/porn actresses.  Anyway, if it has to do with porn, he needs to stop watching it altogether until he gets off on REAL sex again.  If it is porn, then they get used to only doing it to their favorite routine and very often have dysfunction in real sex.  His comment about petite women was just stupid.  I mean, I am pretty sure you can flip yourself around if you want to flip!!  I think he was trying to do some bragging and also subtly turn this around to make it somehow your fault instead of his own problem with that comment.  

 

So yeah, find a specialist who counsels couples with sex issues.  Best bet. 

[Neirn]

11 minutes ago, preraph said:

Sounds like you guys need to go to a marriage counselor who specializes in sexual issues.  Maybe he can't do it well because of porn use . I mean, like you said, it's all about oral to him, and there's oral in pretty much ever porn film but a lot LESS of it in real life with women who are not paid prostitutes/porn actresses.  Anyway, if it has to do with porn, he needs to stop watching it altogether until he gets off on REAL sex again.  If it is porn, then they get used to only doing it to their favorite routine and very often have dysfunction in real sex.  His comment about petite women was just stupid.  I mean, I am pretty sure you can flip yourself around if you want to flip!!  I think he was trying to do some bragging and also subtly turn this around to make it somehow your fault instead of his own problem with that comment.  

 

So yeah, find a specialist who counsels couples with sex issues.  Best bet. 

I've talked about this before when I got upset early on about it and he said we needed to see a counselor. I guess he wasnt expecting me to actually put in the work. I found a few, their numbers, and how much each session is. Sent it to him...he never brought it up again. Maybe it's time I push the issue. Thank you for your response.

[stillafool]

If he says it's too expensive compare the cost of the doll to therapy and explain this is more important to save your marriage.  Plus you aren't pregnant anymore and are ready for him sexually so there's no need for a doll.  

[Neirn]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If he says it's too expensive compare the cost of the doll to therapy and explain this is more important to save your marriage.  Plus you aren't pregnant anymore and are ready for him sexually so there's no need for a doll.  

That's a good thing I could bring up. Thank you. 

I'm younger than him and nearly completely out of debt. I'm 25 he's 31. I am in the stock market, have a savings built up, and have a 780 credit score. He, however, has near 40k in debt for a criminal justice degree he didn't necessarily need to become a member of law enforcement (his dream job) that he's not even putting in effort into pursuing. I got him to start with the stock market but he just seems so....unmotivated to work on anything to further himself. I got him a credit card to raise his poor credit and he's already in more debt than me. Dx He really doesn't know how to manage money.

[preraph]

I'd give him a timeline to get that credit card paid off and if you got it, you can take it away, too.  I guess you should look at the overall picture here and be sure you want to stay at all while it's all up in the air.  

[stillafool]

Good for you that you are smart enough to manage your finances.  If I were you I would file my taxes separately just in case.  You may have to pay more but if this doesn't work out at least you won't be tied up in his debt.  Try to keep your credit separate from his as well if you can.

[Neirn]

12 minutes ago, preraph said:

I'd give him a timeline to get that credit card paid off and if you got it, you can take it away, too.  I guess you should look at the overall picture here and be sure you want to stay at all while it's all up in the air.  

I definitely have though about it. I don't think of his debt as an end all be all but it is kind of stressful to know about all of the bills he has. I have told him if he runs that credit card up any more I'm going to take it from him and cut it into pieces so he can't use it anymore. I said, I got that to help improve your credit not make your situation worse. He has a lot of growing up to do, and I realize that. He's sensitive though and I have never yelled at him or anything. I can't, he'll retreat into himself. So I try to be compassionate but real about a situation. Lay it on him but don't beat him with it. Lol

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Good for you that you are smart enough to manage your finances.  If I were you I would file my taxes separately just in case.  You may have to pay more but if this doesn't work out at least you won't be tied up in his debt.  Try to keep your credit separate from his as well if you can.

Oh I definitely plan on it. In fact, I told him until he gets his Bill's at least reduced to where he has an easier time paying them every month, I won't get married. I don't want that burden. He understands and I assured him I will help him however I can...but he can't afford a marriage right now and I'm not going to front the burden by myself. I've watched way too much judge judy to put my name on a credit card with someone else. hahah. I do want to help him, but I've never been in a serious relationship like this and I don't know if I should be giving him money here and there to help fix his debt or if I should let him handle it himself. At this point the latter of course but in the future who knows.

[preraph]

Yes, be very careful.  Really probably shouldn't be sharing any finances until you're married.  But I imagine you know how to protect yourself.  I would be very worried about that debt on a card you got him.  

 

And seriously, him talking about wanting a sex doll in the midst of all this serious stuff is just juvenile!!  He shouldn't be "wanting" anything that costs money that isn't necessary.  

Edited February 27, 2020 by preraph

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, preraph said:

And seriously, him talking about wanting a sex doll in the midst of all this serious stuff is just juvenile!!  He shouldn't be "wanting" anything that costs money that isn't necessary. 

I agree he should put that $400 towards his debt and stop worrying about his stupid dick.  Thank God you aren't legally married to him yet.

Edited February 27, 2020 by stillafool

[gaius]

Some women seem to be able to keep a non sexual marriage going long term, but there always seems to be an underlying misery about it. 

I guess it's up to you to decide what's important but that mixed with financial stuff, odds of success seem low.

[Caauug]

18 hours ago, Neirn said:

...decided to move forward with our relationship February 1st of last year, when he proposed to me.

Is this when you moved in with him? 

Depends on where you live, living together for one year maybe the same as marriage.... You now maybe are responsible for half his debt... 

Check with the best local lawyer in your area about your legal obligations. Don't take advice on this point from posters here as they will not likely be in your area. The laws may have changed in recent years so please seek your own legal advice. Not everyone here lives in Idaho…. 

Some people are good with money and some people are hopeless. Keep up the good work, your husband may never get it.... As you know, look after yourself and your child first!!!

[Piddy]

Did you ever ask him why he wants a sex doll?  Is it for some sort of virtual threesome?  The sex doll thing is a big red flag.  He needs a sex therapist to find out whats going on with him.  

[preraph]

He can't afford a sex therapist. He owes her $40,000. What he needs to do is stop worrying about his penis and get two jobs.

[preraph]

I take back what I said just above. He doesn't owe her $40,000 but he does owe her some money. He owes $40,000 in student debt that he should be paying instead of worrying about a sex doll.

[Neirn]

On 2/26/2020 at 3:59 PM, preraph said:

Yes, be very careful.  Really probably shouldn't be sharing any finances until you're married.  But I imagine you know how to protect yourself.  I would be very worried about that debt on a card you got him.  

 

And seriously, him talking about wanting a sex doll in the midst of all this serious stuff is just juvenile!!  He shouldn't be "wanting" anything that costs money that isn't necessary.  

I agree. He stopped talking about it recently. I sat him down after I disappeared from this board a few nights ago and just told him how everything made me feel. Then I gave the ring back and said everything he is doing is pushing our marriage further away.

On 2/27/2020 at 3:43 AM, stillafool said:

I agree he should put that $400 towards his debt and stop worrying about his stupid dick.  Thank God you aren't legally married to him yet.

Yepp, he's doing that now. Let's hope he can continue making better choices.

On 2/27/2020 at 5:46 AM, gaius said:

Some women seem to be able to keep a non sexual marriage going long term, but there always seems to be an underlying misery about it. 

I guess it's up to you to decide what's important but that mixed with financial stuff, odds of success seem low.

I am surrounded by women who are in sexless relationships. Most have been married 10+ years. One got recently divorced, one has a rocky marriage where the guy flirts with other women, and one it upsets her but shes living with it. I couldn't believe it was so common and as soon as I opened up about it, they were so eager to unload their troubles on me too.

On 2/27/2020 at 5:51 AM, Caauug said:

Is this when you moved in with him? 

Depends on where you live, living together for one year maybe the same as marriage.... You now maybe are responsible for half his debt... 

Check with the best local lawyer in your area about your legal obligations. Don't take advice on this point from posters here as they will not likely be in your area. The laws may have changed in recent years so please seek your own legal advice. Not everyone here lives in Idaho…. 

Some people are good with money and some people are hopeless. Keep up the good work, your husband may never get it.... As you know, look after yourself and your child first!!!

I'm only responsible for his debt once we're married. He is pretty bad but I forced him to look at his statements and he admitted he is being really stupid with what he is buying and putting on his cc.

On 2/27/2020 at 6:11 AM, Piddy said:

Did you ever ask him why he wants a sex doll?  Is it for some sort of virtual threesome?  The sex doll thing is a big red flag.  He needs a sex therapist to find out whats going on with him.  

It's for personal use, he says it's nice not to have to worry about someone else sometimes and just get off. He also wants a virtual threesome, even talked about me joining in. I mean, I'm pretty open but I think we need to focus on us first. Yes I think it's weird but I can't just kink shame the man I love. Everyone has their thing.

 

On 2/27/2020 at 7:53 AM, preraph said:

I take back what I said just above. He doesn't owe her $40,000 but he does owe her some money. He owes $40,000 in student debt that he should be paying instead of worrying about a sex doll.

No, he owes 1.9k on his CC, I didnt co sign on that card I just helped him get it. I signed him up for it with him there giving me his information. I told him he needed to work on his credit. So far he rose it above 700 so that's good. I also got him to start investing in the stock market and putting money in a savings account. Our talk has really pushed him. Problem is he usually falls back into the same routine within a month so we'll see how it goes.

[preraph]

I'm glad you were talking to him about it but I agree with you unfortunately that people will tend to just fall back into their own bad habits. At least now he knows you're not going to support his frivolity. He may have seen that as a way out once you are married. I don't believe I would marry him. I don't much see the point. I'm just super glad you're self-sufficient.