ItsAllConfusing Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 My almost 15 year old is not doing so great. She's acting out in school. Can be mouthy. Feels entitled and has a great deal of self pity. She also lacks respect for me. Just now she mocked me and then gave me the middle finger as I attempted to take her phone.Her iPhone that my partner and I recently bought her. We had a little tussle and I just gave up. I just stopped the wifi connection and will take the phone while she's sleeping. She's in a day school and lately her emotions have been all over the place. She liked a boy and he broke her heart. She has difficulty maintaining friendships. Her behavior ranges in between childish to overly mature. I try and try and try to help her. I'm kind but obviously not a great disciplinarian or she wouldn't be this way. I thought I was doing a great job but I'm not. I'm fed up. Burnt out. I dont want to give her anything more other than the things that she needs. She doesn't deserve anything more than the basics.Today is the day I change. I've decided to take her phone away at least for the day for acting out in school. I've decided to delay getting a dog (we've been playing with this idea for a little over a year now). I was going to get her the dog for companionship/ emotional support but I realize it's not a right but a privilege. She was very excited about this but I think I'll wait. I told her this and she said she didn't give a s***. She's really crabby tonight. I had to take a minute for myself before I acted in a regretful way. I'm looking for parenting advice. Am I going overboard by taking the phone, delaying getting the dog and only giving her the necessities? I read taking everything away will only make things worse. If you were in this situation what would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 You've done some recent threads about your daughter which add crucial context. We're not talking about run of the mill teenage behaviour here. Your daughter has a long history of being overly dependent on you, is/was suicidal and is apparently under the care of psychiatrists and therapists. With all due respect, you should be asking these professionals for guidance. Your daughter's needs are significant and as few (if any) of us have training in relevant areas, our well meaning advice could cause more harm than good. The only thing I could add is that you would do well to break up with the current guy who things aren't working out with. Then stop dating. Having all kinds of dating and relationship dramas on top of issues with your daughter are doing nobody any good. Parenting involves sacrifice. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 When a child is having big problems in the family, you can't just take the child and treat them and isolation because as you know, you at least contributed to how she is. So if you haven't already tried it, you need to get in family counseling and get everyone looked at and try to get on the same page. You will have to make changes. Of course you're not going overboard taking a phone away for a day. You probably need to take all the electronics away for it to be at all effective. But the important thing is that you all get in family counseling. For one thing it would send a message to her that you are also taking ownership. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted February 27, 2020 Author Share Posted February 27, 2020 Thanks. I'm working with the professionals. I have a meeting with some professionals tomorrow. Interesting fact about the guy. They're getting along. She's been hanging out with us a lot. They talk and joke. Things have improved 100% 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 What strategies are the professionals giving you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted February 27, 2020 Author Share Posted February 27, 2020 3 minutes ago, preraph said: When a child is having big problems in the family, you can't just take the child and treat them and isolation because as you know, you at least contributed to how she is. So if you haven't already tried it, you need to get in family counseling and get everyone looked at and try to get on the same page. You will have to make changes. Of course you're not going overboard taking a phone away for a day. You probably need to take all the electronics away for it to be at all effective. But the important thing is that you all get in family counseling. For one thing it would send a message to her that you are also taking ownership. Good luck. Thanks. We're in family counseling. Just started. Had our first session two weeks ago. I'll be taking the phone and laptop away. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 When a child is having big problems in the family, you can't just take the child and treat them and isolation because as you know, you at least contributed to how she is. So if you haven't already tried it, you need to get in family counseling and get everyone looked at and try to get on the same page. You will have to make changes. Of course you're not going overboard taking a phone away for a day. You probably need to take all the electronics away for it to be at all effective. But the important thing is that you all get in family counseling. For one thing it would send a message to her that you are also taking ownership. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 Glad to hear you're in family counseling. Nothing happens overnight. I hope the rest of the family is involved as well including the father. it won't do any good if she has someone to run to who will undo everything you've done. Don't let her wear you down. Let us know how the counseling goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted February 27, 2020 Author Share Posted February 27, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, basil67 said: What strategies are the professionals giving you? To be consistent with rules and to set clear expectations. To be more firm. To not make it all about her. To let her sit in uncomfortable situations to learn to cope and manage. They are working with her alone as well to give her skills. These things that are the foundation of parenting. Edited February 27, 2020 by ItsAllConfusing 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 I've not exactly had my time in the bag with a teenage girl yet but I've witnessed it with my wife's oldest. She refused to set boundaries with her and instead chose to be her best friend instead of her parent and that's a big part of why we are getting divorced. Admittedly, that's not the whole story and it wasn't my choosing but it is what it is. Her daughter isn't bad but she's not being taught to make good decisions either. Her mother has a habit of making poor decisions and made several with her that caused disruption in the family which started arguments. Still more to the story but you get the picture. Her daughter is currently in counseling. I'm not sure it's doing a whole lot of good but the wife seems to think so. So, getting professional help is an option you might look into. Personally, I wouldn't take the phone away for a day. I would do a week. I don't tolerate attitudes and have always shown my kids I can be a bigger monster than they are. Their feelings get hurt and then I explain to them that they are in control of that. Don't want your feelings hurt, don't disrespect dad and follow the rules. Sets the foundation for bigger things like breaking the law and everything else when they start approaching adulthood. I doubt you have this luxury because that boat has probably sailed. This might stop working for me too at some point but both my kids are extremely responsible for the time being and I hope it stays that way. 🤞 I have about 2-3 more years before my daughter starts having those teenager girl emotions and probably around the same time frame for my boy. I see while I was writing this reply you mentioned y'all are already enrolled into counseling. I hope that works out for everyone. If you started coming down hard on your daughter, does she have cards of her own to play like choosing to go live with her dad? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 4 hours ago, ItsAllConfusing said: To be consistent with rules and to set clear expectations. To be more firm. To not make it all about her. To let her sit in uncomfortable situations to learn to cope and manage. They are working with her alone as well to give her skills. These things that are the foundation of parenting. This is a really good start. Just remember that she's having a crash course in these skills as opposed to having learned them from a child, so there will naturally be more push back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 20 hours ago, ItsAllConfusing said: My almost 15 year old is not doing so great. She's acting out in school. Can be mouthy. Feels entitled and has a great deal of self pity. She also lacks respect for me. Just now she mocked me and then gave me the middle finger as I attempted to take her phone.Her iPhone that my partner and I recently bought her. We had a little tussle and I just gave up. I just stopped the wifi connection and will take the phone while she's sleeping. She's in a day school and lately her emotions have been all over the place. She liked a boy and he broke her heart. She has difficulty maintaining friendships. Her behavior ranges in between childish to overly mature. I try and try and try to help her. I'm kind but obviously not a great disciplinarian or she wouldn't be this way. I thought I was doing a great job but I'm not. I'm fed up. Burnt out. I dont want to give her anything more other than the things that she needs. She doesn't deserve anything more than the basics.Today is the day I change. I've decided to take her phone away at least for the day for acting out in school. I've decided to delay getting a dog (we've been playing with this idea for a little over a year now). I was going to get her the dog for companionship/ emotional support but I realize it's not a right but a privilege. She was very excited about this but I think I'll wait. I told her this and she said she didn't give a s***. She's really crabby tonight. I had to take a minute for myself before I acted in a regretful way. I'm looking for parenting advice. Am I going overboard by taking the phone, delaying getting the dog and only giving her the necessities? I read taking everything away will only make things worse. If you were in this situation what would you do? This sounds like a slight variation on normalcy. All I know is that the last thing you'll want to do now, or anytime soon, is completely de-rail your relationship over these typical, but non-life-threatening issues. So many parenting instincts are to put up walls and barriers in similar situations. I'd be inclined to share more authentic vulnerability instead. Screaming and fighting really gets you nowhere... she's probably better at it than you are, while believing herself to have less to lose. (that's a potent combination vs. which your sensible efforts at fighting are relatively worthless) Just let things cool down... and then approach her... and say: "________, here's what I'd like for your life and future: _________ , _________, ____________, ___________, ___________, and most of all, I'd like us to share a close bond that will help to fill my retirement years with contentment as you enjoy your own life" THEN, give her the floor... and ask: "What do you want for your own life and future??" (most important then is to STFU and listen the whole way through) (maybe taking written notes along the way, for 'talking points' to which you want to respond later)... and then, whenever she is done... put your hand on her shoulder and ask out loud: "How can we best get there from here???" (just a random suggestion) 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 As parents we can talk and talk- but our kids role-model on us, they'll turn out with largely our values and attitudes. And behaviours. On 2/26/2020 at 7:15 PM, ItsAllConfusing said: I was going to get her the dog for companionship/ emotional support but I realize it's not a right but a privilege. She was very excited about this but I think I'll wait. I told her this and she said she didn't give a s***. I would not do mind-games with stuff like this- 'right/privilege? What's that supposed to mean to a teenager? My son always had a dog, when I first got sick I had his father take her, son had just left for college. He came home and drove straight there and fetched her back and she stayed with me until she died a couple of years later! It was one of his first 'grown-up' 'taking charge' decisions/actions! amid a sea of other chaos in his life at that time. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 The concept of privilege is common where I live and I would expect any teen to understand that they need to earn the privileges in their lives with honesty, respect, hard work etc. If a teen wants a dog, they need to show through their actions that they will be able to consistently help care for it. If a teen wants drama lessons, they need to earn it by making an effort in school. Of course, this is complicated by far too many teens being given privileges which they haven't earned. Giving teens something for nothing is teaching them entitlement. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 I live in America, the whole culture is full of entitlement! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 (edited) I just want to give you a little hope. My daughter is 25 and is very mature, independent, and well-adjusted now, but it was not always that way. We had serious problems with her while she was growing up. It started with school-reluctance (she hated school from Kindergarten.) She was in therapy (and we were in family therapy) from a young age and she spent some time in a mental hospital when she was 13 years old. At that time, we had started her in a day school where they had psychologists on hand. On day one, they called me to say they recommended transporting her by ambulance to a mental hospital because she continued to threaten suicide. She was also a "cutter", which scared the he%* out of me. But then, when she went to the mental facility, she met girls who were REALLY cutters and had the horrible, heartbreaking scars to prove it (she just used to scratch herself and rarely drew blood.) She also met girls who had really attempted suicide, and girls who had horrible traumas in their lives and suffered with PTSD and hospitalization as a result of their traumas. We all learned (and she freely admitted) that her behavior was all a deterrent to try to get out of going to school. It took us over a month to get her released and back home with us. She was a changed person (and for the better.) I'm certainly not recommending hospitalization to call her bluff, or find out if she really is suicidal. I just wanted to let you know that there is hope for her future. Also, I did not read all of your other threads, but I am going to say that if you are involved with a man and there are problems in the relationship, or his relationship with your daughter, you need to kick him to the curb and put your daughter first. Do you think any/some of her behavior could be a result of this man? If yes, then he needs to go so your kids can come first. About the dog, if you've been talking about it for a year, but haven't "pulled the trigger" on getting the dog, that's a long time to dangle that over her head. Maybe that's why she said/acted like she didn't give a crap? My daughter's cat and dog got her through many of her dark moments during her teenage years. Some people might think a dog is a privilege and I agree to a certain extent. But I've also seen how animals can be beneficial to someone like your daughter, to learn about caring and responsibility. Edited February 28, 2020 by vla1120 Link to post Share on other sites
zoeyw Posted April 2, 2020 Share Posted April 2, 2020 This was very helpful all. Thanks. I have seen my sister struggle to stay on the same page as her teen daughter. We get along reasonably well. I think one of the reasons is that I am not her mother, as I do not mother her. I speak to her like an equal. These are the years when they are negotiating with their peers; perhaps that is why nature makes them less accommodating towards parents. :) Just my take on things. Parents have to parent - a kid might feel they are being mean. Perhaps it might help talking to them about such things when they are calmer. Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted May 14, 2020 Share Posted May 14, 2020 There are reasons why a kid act certain way. No respect for you is probaly cause of how you raised her. She is in puberty,so some "" acting "" up is part of it. Acting up in certain ways could be deep hurt that she dont know how to deal with. Could be she dont know how to deal with guys rejection,because she saw you and her father do same?! She still a kid so she can be childish. Your job is to guide advice and give structure and protect. Because as much as she acts up, she still a kid that wants guidens,love,respect,atenttion. Spent some fun time in the nature with her, maybe once a week ""girls time""" listen to her, see what gos on in her head can also be helpful.And just let her know you love her and you are there for her. Glad you got a therapist, Seek also christian parenting books. All the best. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 14, 2020 Share Posted May 14, 2020 Is your daughter's father active in her life and if so what is he doing to help her? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 14, 2020 Share Posted May 14, 2020 Put your relationship on hold so that you can give 100% into raising your child. You don't need more in the mix than needs to be. He’s not a husband, he’s a BF. They’re temporary, kids are forever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted May 14, 2020 Share Posted May 14, 2020 Was your D diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder? That's what is sounds like. This is what I have had to deal with. I don't agree with Vlall20 who says you need to kick your relationships to the curb if they are not working out. My D has issues with my H. Mostly because he hates how she treats me. which is normal. He doesn't care for how she is. So is he more inclined to tell her to stay away. Yes. Should I be upset over this? Of course not. Because i need peace of mind. I have called the police when she has threatened her life. She even sent me a picture with a knife to her neck. Its a terrible way to have to deal with your kids and their mental issues. I hope treatment works for you. My D wont go and she is almost 23. I am not pushing it anymore. Hopefully she will realize on her own how to behave and treat people. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 15, 2020 Share Posted May 15, 2020 (edited) Does she have any diagnosed disability or special need? Does she have an IEP? Has she been evaluated by the school system? I am an early childhood teacher, so my perspective is that discipline has to be established when they are very young. Once it's gotten out of control, once they are teenagers, it's very difficult to change course. I think by that point they kinda are who they are. But I will say, don't ever make empty threats. If you say that there's going to be a consequence, such as phone being taken away, stick to it. Don't threaten a consequence that you know in the back of your mind you might not be able to do. Regarding the dog, are you sure that she is capable of taking care of a dog and will treat it appropriately? Can she be trusted with an animal? Has she ever had any violent tendencies? If there's any doubt, do not get a dog. Edited May 15, 2020 by ShyViolet 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted May 16, 2020 Share Posted May 16, 2020 I would be even more heavy-handed with her but there would also be incentives to reinforce some responsible behavior. Take away her electronics indefinitely but give her a list of chores she can do to earn them back. She gets them done for a certain number of days in a row and she gets an item or privilege back. She needs to understand that these things are privileges and she can behave and keep them or act poorly and have to earn them back. This places the responsibility on her and now you're not just a warden holding a cell phone hostage. Beware, there's bound to be some heavy confrontation but if you want her to make big changes, you're going to have to enact big changes. This plan should also be "therapist friendly" as we used it in a treatment center for mentally ill teens. If a kid stepped out of line, they lost their privileges until they did certain chores around the unit and completed other tasks. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 28, 2020 Share Posted June 28, 2020 (edited) I don’t see any point in having punishments or deprivation of privileges that last more than a day. Things are often said or done in a mood or in anger and your daughter has time to reflect when she’s calmed down. If you take things away for days or keep kicking the possibility of a pet into the future, she’s just going to feel complying is pointless. Any penalties need to be short term then forgotten about so that she can have chance to redeem herself and have a good conversation with you before the next conflict (there are often conflicts with teenagers). Motivation is important. Praise her for the good things she does and when she is being responsible. Tell her whatever she did was really helpful. Tell her how talented she is in the ways she really is talented and how hard she works at the things that are important to her. You need to have more positivity than negativity in what you are saying to her where possible. We all need to feel appreciated and valued not just to be seen as a problem. I know how difficult this is to do when you are weary of the stress. At that age, they say and do things they wouldn’t if they had more control over themselves. The teenage brain is developing and can be very impulsive. Kids will say rude and angry things then realise they’ve stepped over the line. I think they are almost relieved to get a minor deprivation for half a day when they knew they were over the top. Some discipline shows you noticed them and won’t let them behave like that. Not dragging it out too long shows you care about them and have a heart. I remember a teenager in town proudly telling her friends she was ‘grounded’ the next night. It was a kind of badge of pride to her, it showed her friends she had spirit and wasn’t a goody-goody and at the same time it showed them she had a parent in the background who provided stability and security. It is not easy. I wish you well. Edited June 28, 2020 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
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