Question: When/How to Tell Dates I Will Never Kiss Them?

[Saba the Spotted One]

Hello all! New here, and this is my first post. I have lurked a little while, and decided this was probably a good place to field questions. As someone with no real dating experience, this community seems large and knowledgeable.

I’ll cut straight to the point here: I won’t do romantic, mouth-to-mouth kissing. It’s a permanent no go. I have personal reasons, and its related to very strongly held personal beliefs, so its not just a matter of something I’ve never done which I just need to get used to, etc. Don’t bother telling me I should just try it, because as I said, its not a matter of not liking it but of not believing in doing it. The actual reasons are irrelevant here, but its not something I will compromise on. This is not about when I am comfortable kissing. I expect to never be doing it, even if I have been married for 70 years.

What I want to know is:

(1) how big of a deal breaker do you think this restriction would be for most people? Is this a restriction that is likely to matter a lot to most average people on the dating market? I am hetero female, if that makes a difference. Obviously, many people have their personal convictions about certain sexual activities they will not engage in but I haven’t heard much about this. So, how small is my pool?

(2) In terms of dating, meeting people, early relationships, etc. when do you think is the best time to bring up a restriction like this? Should it be in a profile? Should it be something you discuss early? So basically, as a non-kisser, how do I date kissers (or preferably, find other non-kissers in a kiss-obsessed society)?

I’d love to hear your takes on it. Be honest. Thanks in advance for replies.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Interesting.  Haven't seen this one here.  I'm very curious about the "why" and would love to know if you're willing to share.  I promise to not try to talk you out of it :).

 

Are you ok with kissing on the cheek/neck/elsewhere?

[Cookiesandough]

1) Pretty big. Your best shot would be with aromantic and/or asexual people 

2) I’d say early as possible so you don’t waste anyone’s time 

[LivingWaterPlease]

1. Deal breaker for most people. Me, for sure. And hetero female here, too.  2.  I would tell someone in my profile or if you meet them when they first express interest in you.

I dated a guy who had limited use of muscles in his mouth so couldn't kiss but had learned to talk reasonably well. I couldn't get used to the idea of no kissing. Have known others tell of a couple of guys who didn't or wouldn't kiss.

If you put that on your profile, who knows, maybe it will attract another non kisser.

Edited February 27, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[basil67]

I'd say your pool of people to choose from will be extremely small.   For me, it would be an absolute deal breaker.  

[preraph]

First of all I don't think anyone here is going to accept your premise that the reasons for it are irrelevant because the reasons for it are at the heart of the matter. 

 

If it's some belief of yours behind it, you need therapy. 

 

This will be a deal-breaker for everyone and it will be more because of what's behind it and your refusal to treat whatever that is.

[LivingWaterPlease]

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

 

This will be a deal-breaker for everyone and it will be more because of what's behind it and your refusal to treat whatever that is.

This is a great point. Your insistence that you're unwilling to treat it is going to be seen as, as much of a problem as refusing to kiss, which is in itself huge.

[preraph]

If there is something physical stopping you which is not what you said because you said it's a belief, then you would need tell people you can't and I would assume it would affect your speech as well. 

[carhill]

Welcome to LS...

How about fellatio? Kissing of a different sort.....

If you trend to asexual, stick to platonic relationships and don't lead people on. Men feel sexual attraction to women and like to be sexual with those they're attracted to. Kissing, and sex, is part of that. Gay men might be your cuppa if asexual.

[basil67]

23 minutes ago, preraph said:

This will be a deal-breaker for everyone and it will be more because of what's behind it and your refusal to treat whatever that is.

I wanted to write this but didn't have the words.  Thanks @preraph

To be clear, I would date someone who couldn't kiss because of a motor issue, but would not be OK if it was by choice.

 

[Pleasant-Sage]

Huge problem IMO. Your dating pool is going to be incredibly small too. Needle in a haystack small.

[snowboy91]

Haven't heard of this one before.

I'm curious as to what your "ideal" relationship would look like? As in, you don't want kissing but do you want other forms of physical contact - cuddling, sex, sensual touching, kissing not on the mouth, etc? Your potential dating pool is going to be very small, but an answer to those questions will help identify the sort of people who might suit you. Perhaps asexual groups? I imagine there is a bit of variation even within that group so there might be someone who has similar expectations to you. Unlikely, but more likely than the general population.

Edited February 27, 2020 by snowboy91

[carhill]

Another option, if sexual but just not kissing, is sticking to those who enjoy sex but not kissing. In general, kissing is a public or private expression of intimacy, love and affection. Some people, perhaps more than some, can be hetero- or homo-sexual without feeling intimacy/love/affection/attachment. FWB/ONS/hookups might be good examples. I've only met a very few women like that but they are out there. No doubt there are men like that too. Perhaps hookup sites/apps might bear fruit?

[BaileyB]

It would be a deal breaker for me. And, I would prefer to know this before we went for coffee to get to know each other...

I’m curious - how do you feel about other intimate acts? Sex? Oral sex? Are these acceptable to you, or not?

[Noproblem]

Don't be stubborn and get therapy

Until you will be kinda ok, with the idea, you don't have to kiss people all the time. Some people don;t love kissing ..but to never do it is extreme!

 

[girlinNYC]

In modern society, unless the person in front of you is asexual I'll say it's an automatic dealbreaker. Kissing is a fairly large element in forging emotional intimacy and bonds.

If you're not willing to compromise you're going to have trouble in the dating scene. Tell the person straight away to avoid wasting their time. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

From what I've seen of movies and documentaries, prostitutes don't usually kiss, so your future man might feel like you're not wanting to emotionally connect if you refuse to kiss.  Is this the case?   You don't want to emotionally connect?

[SumGuy]

I’d say it needs to be right up front in your profile if OLD and mention as soon as possible otherwise

just because it is a rare stance, pretty integral to intimacy and a deal breaker for many

cant say it’s an absolute deal breaker for me, 99% chance it is but it depends on why...which is not irrelevant to me

[K.K.]

I mean, don’t take this the wrong way ... but unless you’ve had half your face blown off in an unfortunate firearms mishap, kissing is all part of the anticipation and joy of dating for most people.

Dealbreaker and a half. I’m sorry. 😞 

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, Saba the Spotted One said:

as a non-kisser, how do I date kissers (or preferably, find other non-kissers in a kiss-obsessed society)?

Put it out there and see who responds?

I did a google search and it showed up that 10% of world cultures don't kiss, maybe research that?

A 2015 study ( Is the Romantic–Sexual Kiss a Near Human Universal? ) found that of 168 cultures studied only 46% engaged in romantic kissing, despite the idea that it is ubiquitous. So presumably there are lots of other people somewhere feel as you do.

Good luck!

[healing light]

The reason why I feel would be relevant to most potential partners. Is it an OCD germs phobia? Something religious? What about other forms of intimacy?

I have heard of the rare(!) couple that doesn't kiss until their wedding day, but the only other time I have heard of no kissing is in the asexual community. So if you're asexual and aren't anticipating sexual intimacy, I think you could find someone in that niche. If you want to have sex but refuse to kiss... I'm not so sure where you would find those dating partners. I do think it would be in a very small minority, especially in the West. Like... less than 1% small. Never heard of it, to be honest.

Edited to add: Tell potential partners right off the bat. If you are looking for someone online, mention it in your profile. Most people kiss within the first few dates and it is the dating moment where I realize there is reciprocated interest.

Edited February 27, 2020 by healing light

[d0nnivain]

Your dating pool is probably close to non existent.  You say you won't kiss even if you have been married for 70 years.  Exactly how will you get married?  What are you going to do when the officiant says "you may kiss your spouse" to seal the marriage? 

[Caauug]

12 hours ago, Saba the Spotted One said:

I’ll cut straight to the point here: I won’t do romantic, mouth-to-mouth kissing. It’s a permanent no go. I have personal reasons, and its related to very strongly held personal beliefs, so its not just a matter of something I’ve never done which I just need to get used to, etc. Don’t bother telling me I should just try it, because as I said, its not a matter of not liking it but of not believing in doing it. The actual reasons are irrelevant here, but its not something I will compromise on. This is not about when I am comfortable kissing. I expect to never be doing it, even if I have been married for 70 years.

 

12 hours ago, Saba the Spotted One said:

I am hetero female, if that makes a difference.

You are not wanting to swap spit (Kiss) but are willing to be a sperm receptacle (Hetero female married for 70 yrs.)? 

Body fluids are not the problem... 

 

 

 

[Piddy]

So it's no putting your mouth anywhere on a mans body or just the mouth?  Can you perform fellatio with no hangups?  Kissing is pretty important with most people in a sexual relationship. 

Are you afraid of catching something from mouth to mouth contact?  This is a strange one.   You have to put in your profile.  I would expect zero romantic interest though.  

Edited February 27, 2020 by Piddy

[Fletch Lives]

It's a serious issue if you want to pursue a relationship. Most people in love like to kiss. You could look into asexual groups, see what they say - but I think even they like affection and kissing? Talk to a doctor or counselor about it. Or take up golf?!

How old are you?